Matt and John in SLO

Mateo was in SLO-town today with his new roommate John. This was most of the reason why I came back home to SLO. It was really great to see him and catch up on things from home. We had breakfast at Nautical Bean with Cristy, and walked downtown for a while (where both the boys bought new skate/long boards). Then came back home and hiked up Bishop's Peak with Andrewsky, took showers, and went out to dinner at Mondeo's with Sabrina. It really was a lot of fun. I admit that this weekend wasn't the best weekend though because my emotions are all over the place. I tried to just keep it distant and listen to what the boys wanted to do and make it happen and fun. I was rather mellowed out really. During the showers, I received something that put me over the edge. Not so much in anger, but it hurt...really bad. I couldn't look at anyone. Matt was worried over what was wrong, but I wouldn't speak. I needed to be alone, but I didn't want to be alone at the same time. I wanted to hurt something, but knew I couldn't so I wanted to hurt myself. But it's sad really...I can't hurt myself even because I don't want to hurt other people...and being logical, doing anything to myself is going to hurt and affect those around me as well. So I just sat there doing nothing, inwardly imploding my anger and hurt and letting it all out in just a few tears. And the bible...that helped. Sabrina came up to talk to me and I wouldn't talk much. I couldn't. I'm not here to turn anyone against anyone and here I am holding it all in. She stayed until she was sure I was alright, then we all went out to eat and I apologized for my spontaneous mellowness. And I moved on.

Sigh. It was so nice to have Matt and John in town...Sabrina too. And I couldn't even enjoy it much because of I guess...me. Gosh hurting hurts. But why? Why am I being put through this. Does God really want me to? Does he think I can really survive this? I'm not as strong as Jesus. I feel the breaking point and I'm worried. But I'll be alright. It'll pass right? The beautiful thing about time. Matt was trying to be funny and silly to cheer me up. It really did, but not much on the outside. I hope he knows that I appreciated it. A wonderful friend to do that when he doesn't even know what's going on.

Anyways, after dinner, the boys and I watched Bad Boys II up in my room to kill time before their friend called them cause she was in SLO too. When she did, they left, and then left back for the OC afterwards that same night. I think they got in at about 3am...craziness.