Pyla

I've got two days of work left. And as I sit here, just relaxing after a work day in my office at work...playing Texas Holdem on facebook (yea I tell other people who do that they have no life lol)...I start to wonder about a lot of things. Boys...I'd just left the last dating pool of guys behind too...and thought I was done for the summer lol, til now...kinda at least.

And at this point, I'd say I matured a lot more over this summer. Learned a lot more about myself, and people in general. Learned to be content with myself and on my own. I learned how to be a better friend.

Like I've mentioned before, it's been a pretty rough summer. One to go down in the books. You can probably make a story off of it, though I have yet to see some final fantasy conclusion to my story...it just goes on, one chapter coming to a close.

How did it start out? Haha how honest do I want to be when my life holds so many other people in it. When does it become okay to come out and tell my life and not affect anyone else in a negative way...just as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow. Tell someday I guess. It's not like this little note is going to be that widespread. I get the feeling the people who read these blogs don't have a clue who I really am. But who knows...it's the internet right? Sheesh.

I was dating someone throughout last year, though I didn't know it at the time. It's not really dating, but looking back on it now, it's just easier to say so. He was cool, respectable, fun, a natural leader, intelligent, good looking...but had a side that I'd never seen before, and that was problematic because I had already trusted the side of him I did see. I won't go into describing him or the story leading up to the end further. Just jump to the end. What he wanted was purely physical...and I couldn't escape him under the circumstances that tied us together. It didn't help that a part of me liked him a bit too...the good side of him was very good. But what he wanted in the end wasn't what I wanted. I'm not that kind of girl. You hear stories of girls doing that all the time...sigh. After a final stand, and miscommunication and loss of trust between us, it was all hell from there until mid summer for me. Emails and hearing him yell...putting me down...with things that weren't always true. He is the only friend I've ever lost. And he was a very good friend at one point too. And by this time, I was more than happy to walk away. I look back on it now and am glad that cannot recall saying anything I regretted out of anger. I put my best effort into not judging others to the test. This was well supported by another good friend of mine.

Sometime after that, I was dating someone else, though I didn't know it either lol. This wasn't really a rough patch. We had a lot of fun, but maybe spent too much time hanging out in the beginning. I dunno. After the last guy, I had a paranoia of guys only wanting to be physical. I held this one at arm's length. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Anyways, that might have been what pushed him away. But it was probably better that way anyways. I don't think we would have been much compatible at this time in our lives. He'd make a good business partner, or good roommate, but that's about all I got for now.

Hehe by this point, I'd let someone get to close, and then kept someone too far.

But other than that, work itself was a pain. I won't deny it. I'm doing the same thing full time workers on my team do. I wish I had my own project. Not only that but the project deadline got pushed up by an entire year, so all formalities were thrown out the window. Nothing was documented. And my my team was too busy to really help me. I lost motivation. It went in a cycle.

I did other things this summer, met a lot of new people, built up more contacts and put on tours at IBM and Google for students and other interns.

Then my Dad passed away. It was expected...yet unexpected. I mourned and now hold him in remembrance. I wonder if I was the daughter he'd always wanted. He taught me patience and showered me with love however he could. I know this. He didn't have to tell me. There's something about having your own blood carry a terminal illness your entire life. You have an empathy that nobody else can fathom...and it spreads on others. I never really had a dad, and yet I did. I keep wondering if I would have wanted a different life. A dad to play in the park with...someone to teach me tennis and take me to the movies and threaten boys who date me lol. Anyways, I would have wanted it to be different for him. I know he would have loved all those things...and that it must've killed him to see my uncles pick me up and play with me as a kid when he couldn't. I grew up learning something more. I find myself different that other people.

Anyways, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of this. More of the administrative stuff. Although I am sad that I cannot even ask him what his favorite flower is to put on his grave, I am glad that he is no longer in pain.

And as always, I met more people this summer. How, I don't know. They just happen...almost randomly lol. A few more dates, which were wonderful by the way. Lots of surfing. Learning to skateboard (just cruise). Planning out goals. Reading.

My phone got stolen. That sucked. Still does since I lost all your phone numbers. :(

And then I make a trip to LA which makes a sub-chapter in itself. I met wonderful people there. Had a small traumatic experience...that I don't remember lol. But the friends I did know...now they're really really great friends. And the ones that I met for the first time...amazing people. I've wondered more than once how we all randomly crossed paths. And I will admit that I am more than intrigued by some. Good hearts. Genuine. Intelligent. And they make me laugh. You know, they're rare lol. Anyways, I'm more than stoked to have new friends of such sorts.

My car got broken into...that was a first in my life. It's one of those things you hear happen to everyone else, but never really think it'll happen to you. Well...it sure does suck lol. But life goes on. No need to dwell on it.

A few more goodbye parties. Being homeless in a week. Interviewing for another job. Looking for a place to live and put my stuff. Closing off with my current job. Should keep me busy for the rest of the week and until school starts lol. Life is what you make of it. Better make it good and worth your while...and enrich the lives of others along the way. :)

Dazed

I'm mellow these days. It's happened to me before. It's not so much of why I feel this way, but more of how long it will last this time. I think I'm a fairly happy person. My problem is my damn sensitivity. Naiveness. The fact that something is missing. And I know what it is.

Anyways, this feeling is rare. It's the time when I can smile and laugh and people will stop to ask me what's wrong. Nothing. Nothing is ever really wrong. Things happen...they're sometimes bad, but the best we can do is keep going right? No need to bring anyone else down especially since I know I won't be this way for long. It never lasts. Life experience has taught me that much.

These are also the times when I don't feel anything anymore. Like nothing else could go wrong and make me feel any worse. For the most part, these are the times when I've already been broken. So I can't be broken again...not until I'm fixed at least lol. My head feels like it's in a cloud...everything seems to go by smoothly. My eyes get dry and feel hallow. I talk, but only say what I need to and nothing more. My mind wanders and questions things I already know the answer to. And I don't understand why I do. It's a bizarre feeling really. It's these times when I can take off and leave...go to Italy and Australia and leave everything and everyone behind...without a word. I'll be back someday of course, but I don't need to announce my departure. I just need some time to start over new again. No drama. No hidden stories. No surprises that'll make my heart wrench or put me back in despair.

I think the reason why is because when you go somewhere new...you don't expect anything. Without expectations, you don't get so disappointed. You almost expect something to go wrong or be completely new. It's not as much of a shocking surprise. And many times, it's rather pleasant. New things tend to be so.

Anyways, I got my car window fixed on my lunch break today thanks to Jimmy and Lotus Glass. What a great deal. I also picked up a new IBM badge. While sitting in security, some contractors for IBM walked in talking to the security people like buddies. I sat patiently in the office not really paying any attention. One of them just stood in the crowd and stared at me. I continued to stare at the wall for another minute before shifting my gaze to meet his. It was rather disturbing...someone just blatantly staring at you. He was a middle aged man, and he smiled. I said hello, smiled back, and shifted back to my place at the wall. His buddies and security started up a conversation with me then. I don't think the staring man understood English. Did I really look that zoned out...sad? The conversation between us all in the small room was short. They got my story and gave me some fraud tips...offered me some pastries that they apparently get hooked up with from the back of the office before I finally received my badge and bid them a good day as they opened the door for me. Their kindness did lighten my day, even if only a little. But I will still admit I was intimidated by the staring man. I'm normally intimidated by things I don't understand or can't see myself doing.

I sit here now. Writing every half hour or so some thoughts from the day. Still dazed. Quiet my officemate says about me. I don't feel like a different person. Anyways, I'll be alright in another hour or so. I'm not really mad or anything...more sad, but that'll pass too. I can only be sad for so long since it doesn't take much to make me happy and laugh eh? Okay back to work. Then an evening hike to look forward to...

Broken In

I walked out the door and it took a second to register. Something looked out of place but I took a few more steps before my bag dropped from my hand. My mind went into instant denial...no no no wake up Michelle. I just stared.

You hear of people's cars getting broken into all the time, but it really strikes home when it happens to you. My car sat there...the surfboard still intact...glass sprinkled everywhere, almost decorative. I wouldn't have been so shocked had I been in the bay area...but here in SLO?

"Did they get you too?" says a voice behind me. I turn around to face a neighbor. The police came to the scene. Juveniles he stated as he dusted my car for prints. They broke into and stole from three cars on that street.

Stupid I remember...I was so stupid. While things like iPods were stolen from the neighbors, the kids had hit jackpot with me. Intending to leave for San Jose last night, I left my purse in my car and walked into the house, where I ended up staying instead. I guess I was lucky because they could have taken so much more...but they left the surfboard, skateboard, clothes...they went through my glove compartment and threw everything around the seats. For the most part, they only took my purse...but that had everything. 'Everything' I repeated in my head. No. No not everything. I still had my phone thank God. And my camera. I had just taken those out the night before. But all my membership cards, credit cards, cash, and at least 300 dollars in gift certificates to various places.

Looking back, it's really not that bad. I don't have access to money for about a week I've found. I can't go to the bars it seems. I spent the entire day running around town getting replacement stuff and on the phone canceling this and that. But I guess it's not that bad. It's just been a rough summer. A really rough summer and this thrown into the mix just puts me in a daze. Sigh. Well I've also learned that taping up the window and driving 70 mph for three hours will drive you nuts...you end up tearing it all off in about 30 minutes I find lol. Better to be cold. I get the window replaced int the morning.

For now I'll listen to my music. It's 2am but I have it on loud so I can't hear anything else through the thin walls here in the house. It's my first night back in my own bed since last Wednesday. This place has become my home, and I move out in a week and a half. I don't know whether to be glad or sad...though I am admittedly both.

Brian just got a new puppy...such an adorable thing. I do kind of wish I could take AJ and Baby along with Fish with me when I leave...but ah the life of a student. And I'll be homeless in two weeks lol. Ah the very interesting life...of me haha. Rich and poor at the same time. Loved and yet unnoticed. Dazed and confused (lately at least). So much to be thankful for...and yet not without being humbled which has forced itself upon me. But perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Makes life more appreciative and interesting in the least.

Looking back. Looking forward.

So. Once and again. Sometimes I think my life should be made into a book. Then I think about it and I guess everyone's life can be made into a book really.

Anyways, my own thoughts tend to wonder about things like why I write in these blogs. Do I really expect anyone to read it? Do I even want anyone to read it? It's a place where we can be honest, but how honest would I really want to be? I guess in a sense it's not a place to lie really, but there's always something untold lol. In my blogs, well...I love to write my thoughts I know that. :)

It'd be cool to write a book someday. A story to get lost in.

I want to travel. I've discovered a life beyond school and work.

Honestly, I look very forward to the day when I settle down and marry someone I love. It's not really just being in love that's going to catch me though. I believe I can love more than one. I can attest that there is one that I will always love (though not in love) even though I believe he won't be mine. And that's okay. But someone who's going somewhere in life. Loves adventure. High standards for himself. Optimistic. Makes me laugh...that's the easy part lol. Sigh...I dream of being a hopeless romantic. But I'm not stupid. I'm learning how people work. Nobody is perfect. And God knows I make mistakes. Sigh. The best I can do is to not judge. My hope is that I will not judge you because it is not my place to do so.

Until then, I am free and will be free-spirited while I can. I'm gonna travel and meet people world-wide. I'm gonna bring people together and help out those I can. Show this world love...perhaps not romantic, but everyone needs genuine kindness. I'll surf Costa Rica and climb Mt. Fuji and backpack across Europe and New Zealand. I'm gonna ride a horse across grassy plains and live. Perhaps I'm running from something...I'm really not sure. But I'm going to have fun doing it.

What I'm scared of most...a full-time job I do not enjoy and heartbreak.

Sigh, why these random thoughts? So much to think about. And I believe I just inherited an estate. Life changed once again. Sigh.

Hahaha. Ha. I look back on my life and I wonder why things happen the way they do. It's like a whole life's story happened between the beginning of summer and the end. My priorities changed. My outlook changed. My lifestyle changed. But when? Why? I don't remember the transition.

Anyways I'm home right now and I've got to cater to the Mom. I love her to death but she drives me absolutely nuts with her requests, questions, and nagging. I know she means well though. It just makes me weary. Okay off to do errands...then back to work.