Sunday Church

I went to the main service of Jubilee today. Wow it's huge. And there were floods of people. I walked in as an usher looked at me wondering how many I was with and I held up my fingers for...one. They passed me one usher to another until someone said here's a seat for you. I looked at it for a second..."Reserved." He smiled at me and walked away.

The service was a lot of announcements for a lot of events, and a gospel-like worship. I wasn't really feeling it since it was so big...too big to really feel intimate with God really. But the message was still good. The pastor instilled the message right into your heart.

Something I learned about love. Three things:

1. Sacrifice. You sacrifice for the ones you truly love.
2. Service. You tell them you love them, and show them. Don't assume they "just know."
3. Courage. You can't love someone out of fear, or it'll turn into something bad.

A lady sitting next to me talked to me and asked me about myself today. It was a nice welcome really, feeling like you exist in such a big mush pot. After church I just randomly drove around town, talking on the phone and getting myself lost on purpose. I had no idea where I was or where I was going, and it was nice. I talked to Mom, Matt, and Tyler...Tyler who keeps my faith and sanity in check lol. Eventually I came across a large parking lot and drove in. Long behold, I was at Santana Row. It was beautiful...european-ish. I walked around the Farmer's Market (only on Sundays what a good coincidence), and bought fresh strawberries and a baked potato for lunch. I found a lawn and sat down on the grass to eat and listen to some live music. Then I left and found a freeway and headed over to Kim's house. I was hoping to go to Santa Cruz for some surfing, but it's been put off for yet another day. It's her dad's birthday today (my lil brother's too!), and she wanted to be back for dinner.

Haha I talked to Sabrina this afternoon cause she's in town. And again I got a "what is there to do around here?" I had to laugh because I don't know why people keep asking me that when they're the ones from around here. Anyways, now I'm just kickin back. I'm thinking of pulling up Invisible Children on my computer, thanks to Megan who sent me a letter saying she's gonna head to Uganda for a few weeks because the movie changed her life. What a great cause...I assume...I still have to see the movie lol.

Pirates!

So today was the special IBM showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. They had rented out eight movie screens at ACM Saratoga. So with everyone at my house (Kim, Emily, Brian, Erik, and me), we all headed out in Brian's SUV (Emily's sister met us at the theater). It was really fun. Brian is cool, and Erik's adorable. He just turned 19 a few weeks ago lol...quite a young one. Lots of talk and chatter in the car, as if we'd all known each other for a long time (even though everyone else had just met each other, except for me).

Now I thought the movie was really good. It wasn't what I expected, but it was still great in my books. Can't say everyone else says the same. I'm not a very critical person though lol. "Nobody move! I think I dropped my brain!" Jack Sparrow was my favorite character by far. Although I'm wishing that the pirate fashion (on Mr. William turner) should come back into style because it's so...hot. ;)

We grabbed some lunch back near home with Kim, Emily, and Erik, and we took off while Erik was saying hi to a friend (we'd waited, but he was taking too long). But...he called me to say bye after he found us gone, and that said that we would grab food at a nicer place next time. That was nice. What a sweet kid. Then it was back to the house to relax, do some computer work, and shoot some pool.

Week Recap

So pretty much a week has gone by. And I'm adjusting fine. Days are busy from start to end...from not being able to get off my sleeping spot on the floor in the morning, to falling asleep on the floor at night with my laptop still open and the lights still on haha. This new life keeps me busy...but it's not better than what I had. It doesn't even come close.

I drove back up to San Jose on Tuesday morning straight to work and stayed in the office until 2:30am that day. I got all my stuff set up though...dual monitors, pictures, wires and cables, snacks, etc. I had a meeting with my manager and I asked about getting more training or shadowing on the job. It's been put into action, so this I am glad of. I'm finally starting to understand what on earth I'm doing...a month later. Funny thing is that after my meeting, my manager asked to speak with me, but we kept missing each other...so she finally sent me an email instead. She knew that times were tough for me and she thought she'd noticed a black eye on me during our small meeting. I assured her that I have not been physically harmed. That was odd though. I know I haven't been sleeping well...so maybe it shows?

Wednesday was a relatively normal day at work. Thursday was too. And Friday I worked from home because they told me to (nobody was in the office that day). But after work is when things got fun.

On Wednesday, I stopped by the Starbucks intending to grab a coffee to keep me awake for the evening, and to ask my new friend Erik if he'd like to go to see Pirates with me on Saturday. The funniest thing though. While I was standing around I ran into someone else, Ryan, who worked there and he was nice...older I could tell. A small conversation started and turns out he just moved to the area too from the east coast, so he wanted to hang out sometime and asked to exchange numbers. Wow that was fast from a two minute conversation. I won't lie I was surprised. But it's flattering I guess. I took a seat and Erik started talking to me from behind the counters. I followed the conversation and asked him if he'd like to come with us to the movies and he said sure! Haha that made my day. I already have a diverse group of new friends. It's kind of nice because he's still so young...just turned 19 lol. And don't laugh at me, he's just my new buddy. I'm over boy drama, so I'm not gonna be looking for anyone for a while.

Anyways I left and headed up to Jubilee where I walked in and people on staff still remembered me. I sat in on the service and worship. It was good...a very powerful message put into conversation that youth can understand and follow. Lots of stories and examples, and chances for exciting opportunities. I practically wanted to jump up and volunteer to go. It's interesting to me how the worship band plays like it's a rock concert. Not that it's the music that surprised me, but the center of attention and applause, etc. It's great and they do a wonderful job and wow those kids are talented, but it takes away from the purpose of God being the main spotlight on stage. Though, this is just me so it could be different for everyone else. It's not place to judge anyways. I stayed and talked and played a silly fun game with some of the older kids afterwards before heading out. I picked up my uncle from Cisco on my way out and headed back to his house for dinner with the family. Pho...mmm...homemade. Kim and I hung out but I was pooped so I feel asleep pretty fast that night.

On Thursday, I met up with Megan and we went to go shopping and see Shrek the Third at the Oakridge Mall. We bought a buncho candy over at Target and smuggled it all into the theater. Ahaha it was the best idea and worst idea ever. Candy is great. But on the other hand, candy is not so great! Haha...ah the health nut in me...who'da thought? The movie was pretty good. I actually liked it better than the first two.

Friday was checking out another bible study called GRX over in Saratoga. I left early since Kim and Emily were coming down after work to visit me down in South San Jose. They said it felt foreign to them since they never come around here...even though they live only a half hour away lol. We went to Downtown San Jose to grab dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory and walk around. Some parts of downtown were really pretty (including the area around Adobe, Russell I'm so jealous! Lol). The girls were very indecisive and kept asking me what to do. I had to laugh at this because I'm not the one from the bay area! We checked out some place for dancing which I don't have a problem saying it sucked. And finally ended up at a pub. The girls ordered beers and I got my water (DD) and we took a table. Ah, here's the story element. A guy approached us using his buddy as an excuse to talk to us. It was obvious. He said that he wanted us to go over to his buddy and take pictures with him so there would be proof that his buddy came downtown. Um, it's my camera lol. We said if they were so bold, to come over and sit at our table. So they did. Average looking at first, but they grew on you. The first one, Shawn (Shaun?), was well...wasted. I never really tried to hold a conversation with him. Emily tried though. The second one was not, and so he sat next to me and we talked and played some games of quarters (well, more like pennies and nickels on tall pint glasses lol). When I got them in he'd drink it all though haha. I admit, he was cool. You could tell that this isn't what he normally does...more like just a drink after work. Well, that's the impression I was getting anyways.

Two kickers that night. They wanted to guess my age...not a day over 20 they said. I raised my eyebrows and they said 19? I looked at them and said hello I'm in a pub. Haha. Second kicker...I asked Mike what he did for a living and he responded that he didn't want to bore me. I egged it out of him and he said that he was a computer engineer and was working at...Cisco. Oh. my. gosh. Ahaha that's probably the least boring topic brought up all night. Wow I'm such a nerd. But I did a lot with Cisco this year. Ebrah's gonna work there. My uncle works there. I wanted to work there doing hands on networking. And shoot, a normal everyday computer engineer sitting right next to me. Kim and Emily told me later to stop taking all the normal engineers haha. Anyways yea we talked and it was cool. A while later his buddy was gonna pass out so he called a cab and dragged Mike out the door. I could have asked for his number, but like I said I'm not looking...so I didn't. I think he wanted to ask also, since he kept hesitating when his friend pulled on his arm to catch the taxi sitting outside, but I didn't say anything and his buddy had his arm. So they left. And that's it. Interesting evening.

IBM Remote and Hikes

So I couldn't get up in the morning because of feeling horrible (which doesn't normally happen much)...whether it was because I was down or coming down with something I couldn't tell. I received permission to work remotely and started my work.

In the afternoon I went to campus to get some stuff done. On a whim I filed to be part of the CSC Fee Committee for next year. Interesting. I turned in a lot of paperwork, worked out some more Banquet stuff, then raced home to grab my bike to bike back to school for a hike that Erik had put on and Tyler called me about. All the usuals for our weekly hikes would be there...except Camron (we missed you!), and we added a few more, including Kara! Yay! I got to see her afterall. We hiked up past the horses and up a mountain then down a non-existent path into Poly Canyon. It was so pretty. This is why I love SLO. It's glorious and so beautiful. God really shines to me in this town. He leaves reminders of his presence...everywhere, I feel.

Sunday Church

Church was this morning and I was surprised to see Erik there. I thought he'd still be out of town rafting the Kings. I can see how he sees now though, and it's sad if he's feeling how I think he feels..like me. I think he's just tired of it all...weary. I never hurt him, but it's been a burden I'm sure just to put up with such an off beat friendship. Sometimes we were more than friends, like still dating...and others I was like a stranger. I can see it being hard. And if he feels like I do towards this other side, I just don't really care to care anymore. I want to, but it's hard and draining. I tried one last time to make things right between another friend.

The cliff note version...we talked and I asked for the source of the problem. I was told a story hesitantly because he didn't want to get anyone else involved. I was shocked, taken back, and relieved all at the same time. It was a lot of he said she said that had been misinterpreted and I even had a witness at the time of this conflict to say that I did not (and would not) do such a thing. The gossip was not true, although I won't lie I think I made a comment on being uncomfortable at the time (which ended that conversation and prompted a new one), which might have been taken more seriously than intended. But I was not lying. I really was uncomfortable. Anyways, even though I feel kind of more at peace, I still hurt...really bad...from everything...still. That sucked.

But the day went by and I took things as they came. It unfolded into something better. A friend joined me at the LCM BBQ for lunch and to talks some business issues for a club. And then I went home, chatted with the roommates, then went upstairs to get things done. I brought ice cream to a friend and watched some rafting on the discovery channel and then headed over to visit Tyler and meet his friend Taylor who was visiting SLO for the week. We talked, laughed, sang, laughed some more, drank juice and then I went home and went to sleep. I was feeling better, but I was still down. Does this feeling never go away?

Kate's 21st

Woo hoo for Kate's 21st birthday downtown! I love how happy she gets lol. And she had very good friends taking care of her. I must say I missed my dancing buddy though. But the girls know how to dance it up yaya. Woodstocks for pizza afterwards.

Turns out that Eric and Jordan were downtown too. And Russell, who went to a Pink and Black party that Sabrina and I guess I decided not to go to lol. Missed em all downtown though, but it's okay. Nothing eventful happened directly to me that evening, which although it makes it more interesting, was actually a nice evening break.

Matt and John in SLO

Mateo was in SLO-town today with his new roommate John. This was most of the reason why I came back home to SLO. It was really great to see him and catch up on things from home. We had breakfast at Nautical Bean with Cristy, and walked downtown for a while (where both the boys bought new skate/long boards). Then came back home and hiked up Bishop's Peak with Andrewsky, took showers, and went out to dinner at Mondeo's with Sabrina. It really was a lot of fun. I admit that this weekend wasn't the best weekend though because my emotions are all over the place. I tried to just keep it distant and listen to what the boys wanted to do and make it happen and fun. I was rather mellowed out really. During the showers, I received something that put me over the edge. Not so much in anger, but it hurt...really bad. I couldn't look at anyone. Matt was worried over what was wrong, but I wouldn't speak. I needed to be alone, but I didn't want to be alone at the same time. I wanted to hurt something, but knew I couldn't so I wanted to hurt myself. But it's sad really...I can't hurt myself even because I don't want to hurt other people...and being logical, doing anything to myself is going to hurt and affect those around me as well. So I just sat there doing nothing, inwardly imploding my anger and hurt and letting it all out in just a few tears. And the bible...that helped. Sabrina came up to talk to me and I wouldn't talk much. I couldn't. I'm not here to turn anyone against anyone and here I am holding it all in. She stayed until she was sure I was alright, then we all went out to eat and I apologized for my spontaneous mellowness. And I moved on.

Sigh. It was so nice to have Matt and John in town...Sabrina too. And I couldn't even enjoy it much because of I guess...me. Gosh hurting hurts. But why? Why am I being put through this. Does God really want me to? Does he think I can really survive this? I'm not as strong as Jesus. I feel the breaking point and I'm worried. But I'll be alright. It'll pass right? The beautiful thing about time. Matt was trying to be funny and silly to cheer me up. It really did, but not much on the outside. I hope he knows that I appreciated it. A wonderful friend to do that when he doesn't even know what's going on.

Anyways, after dinner, the boys and I watched Bad Boys II up in my room to kill time before their friend called them cause she was in SLO too. When she did, they left, and then left back for the OC afterwards that same night. I think they got in at about 3am...craziness.

Enchantments

So what can I be thankful for this time? I came home and hung out and lied back in my bed with my arms spread out and eyes staring at the ceiling. It felt good to be back in SLO. The SWE Spring Fling Dance called Engineering Enchantment was tonight. I just hung out and got ready for the evening rather methodically...more of for something to keep me busy rather than getting really excited for the evening. I was waiting for Sabrina to get home so I could hang and go out with her that evening. I decided to give my style a different look too so I picked up my curling iron and tried the impossible...to give my hair curls...or waves...anything of some sort lol. It worked actually. I found out the key was to do it before my hair dried straight. It's not very style-able after that point. Sabrina would come up and down the stairs with an outfit or something to talk about so when I heard a knock on my door I just yelled "Come in!" above the noise of my air blowing curling iron without even looking at the door. The door opened and it was someone I didn't expect. I didn't say a word as a piece of paper and a certificate was handed to me. I looked at them, then up again, as I put them slowly on the ground. I received a look before the person left and the door closed. I had the curling iron in my hand and I wasn't even aware of it. I was just looking sadly at the paper and certificate. A minute passed and I returned to what I was doing, trying to think of other things instead. I heard another knock on the door and I gave a hesitant "Come in." Sabrina opened the door and came in with a few outfits for me to give opinions on. She looked at me and I tried to smile. This wasn't the best time for me.

I had tried. I had felt like I put myself on the line. And in the end I had just hung myself up to dry. Nothing was coming out good anymore. I'd written a letter in hopes of setting things right, apologizing and explaining situations without receiving any back in return. I was putting myself in a situation that wouldn't be advised because if I was the one to give in...put myself lower, the other person might think that he's all right and did nothing wrong...when really he did too. But I figured I'd do it if it set things right. It'd be worth it. I still cared. But in the end it was nothing...for nothing. I was going to be judged anyways. Things weren't going to get better, and I was still going to hurt. I was still going to have to hurt. I've been told things I hope to never hear again. But maybe I can see why my words were provocative. Maybe it was my mistake to say anything at all...

Anyways, Sabrina and I went to the Madonna Inn. We danced, took silly pictures, ate cake, and talked to a lotta people. I wasn't feeling it much though. I sat and stared at pictures of old friends on my camera. Some girls dragged me from the table onto the dance floor. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't because I was driving. I wanted to drink myself to sleep.

We went home and I've been in a zone. That kind of buzzing zone where things are wrong and you're not alright, but there's nothing you can do about it, so you go to this zone...a temporary nothingness. I took two shots of tequila to put me out and took my normal spot on the couch when I drink and zone, and because I don't have any sheets on my bed in my room. I'll be out soon, very soon.

Ambassador Interview

I just had a phone interview for the ceng ambassadors...I'm still jittery. I wish that they had called at an earlier time like Wednesday before the sky fell down on me. I had my moments where I didn't know what to say (which is normally alright), but I stuttered or made some hmm and um sounds that weren't necessary. It was easy only talking to Elyse the whole time, but I knew that there were a lot of other people in the room just listening to my voice. I wish they could have met me in person, although I do know of some of them who know me already...how well I don't really know. I'm thinking back now on other interviews I've sat in on or given and I'm trying to think of what I liked and didn't like about them...like what was it that made me go yes! after it was over, or hmm, not too sure about that person.

I really hope that I get it, especially now that ACM pulled one on me and exempted me from the elections so I couldn't even run. I was really hoping to see it grow. But maybe it happened for a reason. I'm actually pretty okay with it for now. I have a good position in SWE, and I can invest my other time elsewhere. There's so much to do! Too much to get involved with! You can't try something new if you don't let the old things go...even if they were your life. Wow, so philosophical. I guess I should take my own words on other parts of my life too eh? Sigh, life...it's so hard.

Hey Dad

"I stopped by to see Jackson this afternoon. When I walked into his room, Jackson's eyes were open and he appeared to be looking right at me. As I approached him, I noticed his eyes did not focus on me. While his eyes were open, Jackson was not aware of my presence."

Where are you Daddy? Where did you go to? Are you going to come back to me soon?

How to be a better person

How to be a better person.

1. Know that bad things happen...all the time.
2. Recognize your faults and flaws
3. Be honest with yourself and others...if you messed up, suck up your pride and admit to it
4. Don't be prideful
5. Don't respect anyone less because they hurt you
6. That person who just makes you crumble inside with frustration...love them anyways.
7. Think of all the good things you have to be thankful for.

That's all I got for now. I'll elaborate on them more later and compare them to my own lifestyle.

High highs and Low lows

Can I trade this life in now for something else? A little piece of heaven maybe? I've decided that I'm over it. That I'm doomed if I do and if I don't.

It was a good day in a sense that I got two more companies officially on board for the ACM Banquet. They called, they paid, we're all happy. I talked to people today and it was good talks. I was keeping busy, in a good mood, and now all the sudden I may have more plans than I want to have lol. There's potential for Hawaii, skydiving, special movie showing, slo trips, visiting my dad, visiting sabrina, ACM Banquet, Google meetings, hanging out with Megan, my new roommate, my cousin, and Gloria, and friends from home coming up to visit me in SLO.

Of course, nothing is ever all good. I really am in one of those states right now where one thing seems to go wrong after another, and I'm getting numb to it really. Just accept it and move on with life. But I won't lie it affects me still and hits me hard at times.

Apparently ACM created new bylaws that I wasn't aware of and it hindered me from running in the officer elections for next year. Yea, it's not that I didn't get elected, I can't even run. I tried to plea my part, but they said no. That's crap, because I was so busy doing...well what do you know...things for ACM. It's been eating into my time and abilities at IBM...and I'm not going to let it do that anymore. In a sense, I just care less.

On another note, I had a friend who I cared for very much, and still do actually. But it was to a point where I'd be happy to see him and I felt like he'd turn something I said against me and accuse me of things...and yea the happy feeling left me. This seemed to happen over and over. I had already genuinely apologized for my mistakes. Yea, I did make mistakes, although they were never intentional, and never meant to hurt. But anyways, all those times he would call me things were bringing me down...way down...give me a gun so I can shoot myself down. I decided that I didn't want to feel so low anymore, and he'd been mentioning in our previous conversations that we shouldn't be friends or that he didn't know why we should be friends, so I went to him and finally told him there's nothing left in our friendship. I couldn't take it anymore. That was probably mistake number two. It is true yes, but considering I'm normally one to see things as how they can be, it wasn't necessarily the right thing to do, even though it seems like it is. I don't like painful situations, but I'd rather sit through them and work them out than walk away. Anyways, he's definitely ignoring me now, and I'm still being called stupid names. Great. The worst thing is that I don't care that we lead separate lives. But I still care that he's being different to me. When I said not friends anymore, I wasn't going to treat him different...we just weren't going to hang out like friends. I'm not going to respect him any less. After all this time I still don't have anything against him. Galatians tells me I shouldn't, and I agree. I made a mistake. He did too. But I can't be the only one to forgive. Or well...I guess I can. But I won't lie, this feeling sucks.

Dad's still in a coma-like state. I wish he'd wake up soon. I want to tell him I love him one more time again before he goes to heaven. I hope he'll be happy there and he'll remember me. For him, anything is better than what he's been though. I don't want him to remember his humanly state though, just his love for me. If he can go through that, then I can go through all this crap right now too...and turn out alright.

My Daddy's Love

I had a dream that woke me up crying this morning. It was so touching. I was heartbroken. And it felt like I went through an entire night, but I know the dream only lasted 9 minutes because it was after I pressed my snooze button on my phone alarm. Time is so precious. Maybe that's what heaven's like...being in a dream forever.

My brother was there. It was at my dad's house back in Hacienda Heights. I was happy. A little stressed as usual trying to put on an event for a lot of kids. We had fish bowls out like my fish bowl for Fish Lee. We had been following instructions to grow this beautiful plant right before our eyes. It was green and redish with red flowers. The part that wasn't a flower looked more like grass. It was small like one of those underwater plants.

So a kid got everything together, and we all stood around as he added the last thing...water. We watched the plant grow right before our eyes to full bloom. It was like being in a fairy tale. So beautiful...we've witnessed a miracle.

Some time had passed and the event was over. I was still at my dad's house in the master bedroom in which the bed was gone, and there was framed art hanging from the ceiling. I stayed and leaned back on a couple pillows on the floor. There were fish bowls around me to be taken out and cleaned. I watched with my brother as my uncles decided on what to do with my dad. How he was sick, but if they could even keep him conscious for four more months, it would be worth anything. It was like I didn't have any feelings throughout watching this and I just nodded not really caring. I walked out to put the pillows away and saw my dad sitting in the dining area in a chair next to the sliding glass doors. He smiled at me and said hi michelle. I just smiled back and held up the pillows in question to where they were supposed to go. An older man politely directed me out passed the sliding glass doors and into the backyard. Here I saw why my dad was waiting in the dining room for me. It was beautiful. The backyard lights were on, dimly. I could see the remnants of a neighbor's party in a house beyond the fence. But the pool was shimmering. A table was set. Music was playing softly. I even remember the song. It's an old song. I don't remember the words now, and I don't know what it's called. The old man pointed to a chair and I looked at it. I just stared at all the beautiful setting, which wasn't really beautiful with dirty backyard furniture, but it was so beautiful to me. I saw my dad smiling at me through the glass doors and I knew. And I cried.

Lately in real life, all the events with my dad has made me rather numb. I felt bad, but it didn't affect me anymore as much. And rather sadly, this was because I was starting to care a little less. We only get hurt when we care. But even though I was caring about him less, he was still caring about me a lot. In my dream he'd woken up from his coma induced state and even though he only had a little time left he had wanted to do something special for me. Give me a place to relax and give me peace in that back yard. Set up something that wasn't beautiful physically, but was so beautiful mentally because it was so thoughtful. And I had been caring less over the past few months. But that was what he wanted for me the whole time and during the small time he was awake still. The sad thing is that I know that's how he is in real life. I know he would do even more.

People come visit him pretty often, and then they leave. When I visit, he holds me there like he never wants to let me go. I know he's tired but he doesn't want to sleep because he doesn't want me to leave. He holds my hand and we try to talk or communicate as best as we can. And when I finally do leave, I see his face get sad. He holds my hand and says a prayer. And then he lets me go with a little wave and a smile. I normally leave, and then I come back to check on him again...he doesn't know that I'm watching. Sometimes he tries to sleep. But most of the time I see him cry, unable to get up, unable to follow me and go with me. My heart can't take this anymore. I leave.

In my dream, I knew that even though I was in a state where I was caring less. His love never ceased. So much like Christ. And even though it's right in front of our faces, it hits you to realize how much you've been loved this whole time...even if you knew it and didn't realize it at the same time. And this love...it's the real love...God's perfect love. The kind I've been trying to pursue, but it is hard, so hard. It requires letting go some things you love most...for them. It's holding in all the times people have wronged you and said bad things...and then letting it diminish...and caring for them anyways. You have the option to not care, and thus not get hurt, but it's chosing to care. I sat in that chair in the back yard over looking the pool and the fence. I felt my inner peace and relaxation. My dad couldn't sit with me, but I knew he was watching over me through the sliding glass doors.

When I woke up, I wanted him back. I wanted a dad who was never sick. I wanted a father's love, to be felt and held and...gosh everything. Sometimes I feel like God has robbed me of so much, and has robbed my dad of even more. I don't understand. He was a good man. He is a good man. i don't want to see my dad cry anymore. How could I have been so careless over the past few months...

Pass Already

I've been told that I don't see things as they are. Unfortunately for me, they are wrong and I see things clearly and they look very bleak at this time. Well, I guess that some of it is through a fog. But either way, I like to think that I can see things as how they can be. Gives me something to look forward to I guess.

And it's not easy all the time. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with my distance from everything I know. Part of the reason I left was to distance myself from it all, but it's not easy from my end. Sleeping on floors, working all day instead of being outside, coming home to emptiness, nobody to make plans with, nothing to look forward to except work the next day...I'm having a hard time seeing the things I should be appreciating. I know there's a lot. I guess I can give it a try...

Going to Starbucks to talk to my new friend that works there. He takes takes time to chat with me every once in a while which is nice because we don't even really know each other lol. Well...even though I sleep on the floor, I have a room, and a house. And even though the cats are attached to me and follow me everywhere...at least the like me and make me laugh. I have a job that maybe I'll like a lot more after I get my paycheck. I have a lot of friends here that I should take the initiative to do things with, but just haven't yet. I have a window office, which some people who have been working here for years don't even have. I have God and my bible which comforts me every night I fall asleep feeling so alone. I have access once again to my gym of choice which isn't too far away. I live near nice neighborhoods, hillsides, and lakes. I have a car that works, pictures of my best friends around me, two arms, two legs, I can see, and I have ears to listen to music when I work. Wonderful friends from home and home home who talk to me when I want someone to talk to. And this bag of chips that is keeping me from starving right now lol. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.

Hopefully the loneliness and missing home and thecomforts and friendships there will pass. Soon.

Insights on Relationships

Here's something on relationships. Some of it is love, others are infatuation. I'm sure that we can distinguish between the two.

1. The relationship happens suddenly, after meeting once or twice.
No, I'm not normally attracted to someone until I know them somewhat well (ie they're pretty much my friends). I might like someone, but that's about it. This falls under infatuation.

2. You think of the other person as well as yourself.
A healthy relationship definitely needs this. You don't want to think of your partner as less than you. Unfortunately for me, I normally think of the other person as higher than me...I should work on that.

3. You continue to grow as independent human beings, while the relationship becomes stronger and deeper.
This is key to a good relationship. I'll be happy when this happens...mostly in a sense that this is something I can definitely work on, and am working towards. Of course, it's hard to put it in practice without a relationship to practice it in lol.

4. You depend on your partner to feel good about yourself.
I know I need to work on this because I sometimes do this even with people I'm not in an actual relationship with. It's like PJ said, you need to love yourself before you can really love other people.

5. The relationship develops slowly, naturally and sincerely.
Yea, that was my mistake (although I didn't think I wanted more than to just be growing...somewhere...I'm a quality time type of person). We're young. Don't rush things.

6. One of you may have more to get from the relationship than to give to it.
Don't think I'll ever have this problem. It's my nature to give no matter if I get anything or not.

7. There is honesty and trust between you.
This is obviously necessary. There needs to be honest communication and you need to trust that the other person isn't cheating on you when he hangs out with other people (that'll just make you paranoid...but it's hard with all that stuff going on these days).

8. One of you may become jealous of the other's activities or friends.
Definitely infatuation. I struggle with this sometimes, whether I'm in a relationship with another person, or not. This ties into not loving my own self enough.

9. The relationship is usually based on physical attraction.
Haha yea well that helps. I like to think that I like the personality and soul of a person a lot better. It is that, that affects me.

10. Both of you can accept the fact that neither is perfect.
Already done. We go into it knowing that we're not perfect. No, I don't like to put myself in painful situations like someone might think. But they're inevitable because...we're not perfect. Everyone gets thrown into them. You can either run away, or stand your ground and work it out.

11. Each of you continues in other parts of your life: family, work, ideas, and other friends...
Yes, this is part of growing as individuals, as well as growing. When both of you are growing, then it is easier to grow somewhere together. All this stuff becomes intertwined after a while...same friends, work style, etc.

12. The relationship remains as strong in painful, difficult times as in happy times.
I would say that in some cases, it actually has. Unfortunately, I have some attachment issues that I was not aware of in my first relationship, so yea the painful times were rather many. Now I've realized that mistake, and am waiting for a second chance that...unfortunately I may never get. So that part is painful in itself. I never really got to put anything into practice, and I'm still sitting in this old mushpot of old bad feelings because...there's nothing I can do. I don't have a chance to move forward. I only have a chance to run away instead...which sadly it seems I might have to do.

Cats and Sleep

I don't really think it was much better sleeping on the floor. Maybe the mattress just sucks. I slept on my floor back in slo for almost two months before I got a bed, and it was pretty alright. I think I'll just stick with my sleeping pad, sleeping bag, and bedding until I find a twin bed around here.

I had a dream that I was friends with someone again. It was nice...really nice.

Ate my breakfast of cinnamon raisin swirl bread as the cats followed me all over the house this morning. They're getting aggressive now, jumping in my lap at random times, and meowing at me as soon as I step out of my room. That's my welcome every morning...cats sitting outside of my door haha. It's cute, but I'm sure I'll get fed up with it soon. They don't leave me alone. I'm gonna try ignoring them for a while, keeping my door closed, and kicking them outta here early at night. We'll see if that works.

Chinese Dinner

I had dinner with Brian tonight at a Chinese place not too far from home. I must admit that yea I learned a lot about him in one night lol. He's quite the story teller. And he's got some problems...with girls that is hehe. He just likes too many of them at one time. Problem is that they all seem to like him back lol. What a situation.

My fortune cookie told me that I'd have a visitor in the near future to come delight me. Not too sure if I'm happy or scared of that lol.

I've decided to boot the futon. It's the most annoying thing to sleep on. But of course I didn't know where to put it lol, so I took the mattress off and put the frame sideways against the wall. I'm gonna try sleeping on the mattress and my bedding on the floor tonight.

Report to Chain

Work is done for the day!

So here's a conversation I had with my manager. She's really cool. My lead is really cool too...it's almost bad for me lol. There is no format to anything, so in a sense...anything goes. I make it up along the way and informally document it and keep up the communication between the developers.

Anyways, back to the conversation. We were kind of just talking and going on about work and life and how far you want to go up the ladder etc. I have a theory about that. I think that it goes in a roller coaster pattern. What on earth am I talking about?!

Well...take a relatively well off family. The parents are ambitious and keep moving up the corporate ladder. The kids at home live a lavish life, but they have to deal with the consequences of their parent's success...no parents. I mean, obviously the parents exist, and I'm sure that they love their children, but the kids don't have a really bonded family growing up. So even though money is not an issue, they grow up and don't care so much about the advancement in the report to chain. They want to do something better with their time than spend it at work all day long (and more) and do a different activity, stay home more with the kids and loved ones, and have a lasting effect on their kids. The kids feel loved and more secure growing up, and they become leaders again. I can see this as an ongoing cycle. Some kids take after their parents instead of following the up and down trend, but we know that studies show that most kids who do well or become leaders grew up secure with themselves. They become leaders and managers, and many times, these jobs are very time consuming.

So that's my theory anyways. I've seen it differ of course. And I base it a lot on my own life. My mom has always loved me, and I knew it...but she wasn't ever there because she worked so much...as a lab supervisor, and then as a business owner. She had grown up the favorite child and well cared and looked after (from what I hear anyways). I on the other hand have everything I need. I was well provided for, but I never had "parents" around really. I didn't hang out with them much. It wasn't often that the entire family was in the house at one time just enjoying each other's company. Mom didn't come home til past midnight most nights of the week. Dad was living away or in the hospital all my life, and my step-dad...well...I never really did know him the 13 years I lived with him. But I knew they loved me. It's funny really. Anyways, my point is that I don't want to be the CEO of some company someday or an IBM Band 10 or IBM Fellow. I'll move up to a certain point where the balance is right, or I'd take something else up that would give me more options, but I would not let work take over my life, and I definitely wouldn't let it come before my family. Ah, a family...someday. What an odd thing to think about. Anyways, I know I want to move forward, but I'm not that ambitious in terms of work...I'm ambitious in other ways. Everyone has their own goals. What are yours?

Daddy Update

Hello everyone,

I visited Jackson late Wednesday morning. He generally appeared to be resting, except his right hand and forearm were moving about fairly continuously during my 45 minute stay. This looked like an involuntary tremor. His hand was in a restraining mitten. The nurse Annie indicated the movement had gone on for a day or so, and the mitten was used to keep him from scratching himself or pulling on his various tubes and lines. His skin had worsened somewhat, with more areas of discoloration, soreness, and/or peeling about his arms and torso. Dr. Milch was aware of these conditions, and had ordered some adjustment of Jackson's medications.

Jackson still appeared unresponsive. His left eye was open slightly most of the time, but showed no signs of consciousness. When I held his left hand and squeezed it a few times, it felt like he was squeezing back a little, but this may have been an involuntary reaction on his part.

It's been about 3 weeks since Jackson had his initial seizures and became semi-comatose. I have a call into Dr. Milch to discuss where we might go from here.

Louie

VP Me Please!

So I guess I didn't explain it quite as clearly to everyone who was wondering why on earth I'd drive all the way back to San Luis Obispo in the middle of a work week. I was trying to be brief, but at the same time, it might have been a waste to come all the way back down if it didn't go through as planned.

I came back down here to run in the officer elections for SWE. Based on previous observations, you have a very low percentage of winning in a relatively high position if...you're not present. Having someone represent you isn't always a good solution either because It's just not as effective. I'd had a rough morning and didn't get to do what I'd intended to in preparation for the elections. What I wanted was to be the VP of Corporate Relations. I do corporate work on a daily bases and I love it. Too bad my speech was kind of a flop...I just wasn't quite with it. Why I'm running? Because SWE has given me so much experience and networking with students, campus, and companies, and I want to give something back. I feel I'm ready to manage a group and I want to bring companies that SWE hasn't previously worked with into the networking circle. Why I feel qualified? I'm an officer this year and know how the club organizational structure works. I do extensive (pretty much overly extensive) networking and communications with a very broad range of companies on a daily basis, such as IBM, Intuit, Amgen, Lockheed Martin, Lawrence Livermore Labs, Google...the list goes on. And when I say networking, I mean personal contacts that I know and who know who I am. I bring them to campus for recruiting sessions and technical info sessions. I'm planning a department banquet that is similar to EWI during the winter. And I am involved with a broad range activities.

Anyways, my speech forgot a lot of that stuff. I probably wouldn't have said it all anyways. It's hard to talk about one self without sounding...conceited I guess is the word. Anyways, fair enough I didn't get it...which is actually okay. Amber was just as qualified plus her industry involvement had been directly connected to SWE. Plus she brought her team tech crew to vote lol...smart move. I got a different VP position instead. I am now the VP of Campus Relations...which is the current core that I am in. I had been considering it, as well as VP of College Relations (but I didn't want to run against Sabrina on that one!). Unfortunately, I do feel really bad for the other person who was running for my VP position. She wasn't present, so it wasn't as fair to her that I was there and stood to run against her. I know she would have been qualified as well and I hope that it will not hinder anything between us.

I really don't like conflicts between people. I am excited though...and it gives me something to look forward to next year. :)

Other than that, I have rather mixed feelings about my visit home. Bible study was great...awesome. I helped make strawberry shortcakes and had dinner with friends. I got my alone time and enjoyed my room once again. I did a lot of things that needed to get done on campus that I hadn't been able to do for the past few weeks because I haven't been there on a normal school/work day/hours, I got to ride my bike everywhere (ah I miss that up here in San Jose), went hiking and surprised Kyle, and I got to work remotely from home. The weather was...perfect. But in this same time frame, I lost a friend. I don't think it's quite hit me yet, but maybe it'll be better this way. It's hard to see someone you care about walk away, but perhaps the hurt and the low feelings I feel will walk away with it. To my friend, I hope you know I don't have or hold anything against you...I find no reason to. It's just a matter of moving forward.

Some people say I'm too nice. It's true, I am, but that's the whole thing...I am and it's genuine. I don't do it just to be nice...I actually dislike that label...she's "nice". But my feelings against people don't last. If anything I may just feel bad about myself. It's not the best way I know. It's just the way I am. It makes me strong in some ways, but weak in so many others.

FYI

Sigh, don't get me wrong though. I'm fine...always am. Who doesn't have their ups and downs...friends and enemies?

Remote

I'm working remotely from home. I'm starting to hate this town now...san luis obispo. There's nothing left in it for me anymore. The people I cared about most have passed judgments on me...that may have sparked up from a truth...but they aren't true. People are making assumptions on my other relationships with other people...they have no idea what they're talking about. I wanted to shatter the glass in my hand against a wall, but I knew I was stronger than that. So I let myself stare at the glass for another minute to imagine it in a million pieces, pulled myself together, and went on with my day.

I can't care about people anymore. They don't know what they do to me. I can't tell if I'm getting stronger through all this, or weaker every time. God wants me to love them anyways...and the funny thing is, that's not the hard part. Is that my weakness, that I still love them anyways (not love love, but care about them love)? It seems like my downfall. How ironic.

Window Office

"Sorry for the delay, but we had ***no*** space on B1 or B3 until this week."

:(

"Now that Peter has moved out of B324, we can move Michelle into that office. I have the keys in my office. I checked out the office; it is a bit dusty so you'll want to have it cleaned."

:|

"This is really a 'fish bowl' office."

:)

Woo hoo I get a window office! Worth the wait and sitting next to that darn copy machine eight hours a day. Although...fishbowl...I'm thinking it's one of the internal window offices, but it's much better than a non-window office.

Bible Study

It was the best evening I've felt in a long time. Until a few hours ago. But up until then, everything was great...more than great. Haha to most of the students at LCM, it almost like I never left. They've still been seeing me on weekends and Tuesday nights. I'm sure that's how PJ feels too. We always do a big goodbye...and then I'm back. It was unexpected, but I'm here. I considered letting the "miss you" sink in...but why would I want to be missed if I can be there? I miss them too lol. It won't last anyways. I've got to plant my feet in the ground up in San Jose, and it's not going to happen if I keep coming down here...but for now I have my reasons.

People were surprised to see me when I walked in the house for dinner. Patti and Marc make such great food...I should learn from them lol. We ate, talked, and played some frisbee outside. I had asked for suggestions, but nobody knew how to make the cats stop following me around the house up in San Jose. Bible study was good. I wonder if it's an example right then and there that "sex sells". I didn't know what the topic was going to be for this quarter until I had already made a commitment to come every week (I had no excuse not to since I didn't have classes this quarter lol). But just looking around, I'm sure there are other people like me, but also it could be that the topic is intriguing enough for more people to come. It's kind of a voodoo topic, so I can see why it's intriguing. Whether being in a small group with Ebrah is a good thing or not I don't know lol. I am glad though.

Worship was great. I felt Him ya know? I was deliriously happy for no reason at all. I know Peter loves me and Tyler does too and I was loving everyone in that room, separately, individually thinking and praying for them, looking at their faces as they close their eyes and look to God. Peter's homily was a very good reminder. And Tyler said an open prayer for me that made me feel more blessed than I deserve (if that can even be!). I wasn't hurt by anyone or anything. I was just...happy.

I stayed afterwards to talk random things to other people. Erik and Tyler left, and I didn't go out with them. I just said bye, and was surprised a few minutes later that I didn't say anything more to Ebrah then just okay see ya bye. No conversations or nothing. And I was glad. I'm taking that step forward...sometimes take a half step back, but at least I'm going somewhere. After a while I decided to leave, and then decided to wait for Jeff so that I could say hi. He was talking to PJ. I wanted to run up and give him a big ole hug around his neck. But I thought better otherwise and said "Hey!" instead. I gave him a ride home and we put his bike in the back seat of my car. It was nice being with him again.

As of now, a few hours later, I'm in more of a state of confusion. I wanted to run and go to my safe house...but I have to learn that that's not it anymore, so I plopped myself down on my bed and sang songs to make the hurt go away. It worked while I sang, but I couldn't sing to myself all night. So I unpacked some clothing and went out to run. I just ran...faster than I normally do...harder than I normally would until my body hurt and couldn't breathe and then turned around and ran back home. I don't understand what's going on. I was so happy, and in ten minutes I was brought back down from the clouds and flung into the ground. I'm tired of this. I'm ready to move on and not look back anymore.

I was thinking of something someone once told me...that I liked to put myself in situations where I get hurt. Now I don't really believe that. The situations tend to happen in areas that used to be healing. I could run away. I don't have a problem walking away most of the time. But I guess that growing up, I'm used to being in situations that I can't run away from. Drastically life changing situations that will tear me apart...and there's nothing I can do except deal with it...immerse myself in it and try to make it better. There are some situations that I just can't run away from. So I don't, and I hurt, and I deal. I've carried this with me all my life. So when a problem arises, it's not my first thought to just jump out of the dirty water. I make it clean, then move on if I need to. That's what I kind of did in high school. I was stuck between drama and had friends that talked crap about my other friends. I was tired of it. But I tried to do what I could, made more solid bonds between people and myself, and when I left for college, I never really looked back. Seems like I have that opportunity again. Anyways, I've done a lot of growing this half-quarter. The water is cleaner, but not yet clean. I'm thinking I'm gonna jump out anyways. I've tried. It's not working. I'm going to have to leave some things behind unhealed and not taken care of. I remember PJ mentioning once that you can't tie up all your loose ends. But this is the pond of important loose ends. I'm getting to abstract now lol. It's okay if you don't understand.

Reflections

Goodness the heat today was intense. I'll be sleeping the rest of the summer in my underwear and no sheets at this rate lol.

Work was low key today. I attended a meeting, which was interesting because the presenter was one of the developer guys, and he reminded me of my step dad...the way he looks and talks. I see him as professional right now, but I can see him being awkward too. He was sporting a belly, khaki shorts, socks, and clogs. Anyways, after the meeting I figured I should crack down and finish the rest of my administrative stuff by early this week. So I looked up procedures and sent out requests and gave myself a 5 minute internet break every other hour or so. I got asked to grab lunch three times before I figured it was a sign and agreed to meet some people from the blue buildings down at the cafeteria. I notice that during lunch time in big groups of people, the conversation tends to be about the company (whether it's gossip, jokes, or ideas), sports and movies, and the weather. I'd pretty much had coffee and gummy worms for breakfast, so I made it up with bananas, apricots, pears, and oranges for the rest of the day. I gotta eat all those fruits I bought before they go bad!...and I have a TON. All for about eleven bucks.

Went back to work and did a lot of reading and research while waiting forever for more software to install (takes forever if you couldn't tell so far), then completed some configurations. I've been getting calls all week from company representatives. Too bad it wasn't two weeks ago since it would have been more convenient for me to be in SLO. Agilent called last Friday (the lady had called me a few weeks ago to recruit me and she was wondering if it was the same me lol), and Intuit called me today. I thought they'd contact you Russell lol. I got their information and payment over the phone, at my desk at IBM...she was mentioning that she was right over in Mountain View. Odd to think I'm in the same town as most of these companies now. Lockheed and Amgen just confirmed their attendance (yay!). And what else...oh yea 24 hour fitness gave me my lifetime membership back after terminating it without my knowledge (sweetness).

In other news, Mom's in New York. Pa's in New Jersey. Great Aunt Margaret's son just passed away on a train from a heart attack. That's so scary. She's the aunt that works as an usher on Broadway in case I'd mentioned it before. Pray for her, that's gotta be hard, losing a son so unexpectedly and randomly. No goodbyes. It'd be like you're perfectly healthy best friend or closest relative dying tomorrow...or I guess right now. Don't forget to tell them how much you care...every day.

I found a potential place to live next year on Highland. Not sure how that'll turn out because I may be competing with other people that the residents already know. I'm gonna go check it out and meet them on Wednesday. Oh yea, and I'm coming back to SLO on Wednesday for a meeting.

I hunted around town today looking for whatever and stopped at an REI. That place is so much fun to look around. Got my bike lights and backpack, then searched around for somewhere to eat and came across a Trader Joe's. I was close to one of the houses I had checked out before and considered calling them to go eat or watch a movie or something, but I decided to stick to my low key day and just get some more stuff done.

So now I'm home, chillaxin and waiting for Kim to call me at 10:30pm. The cats like me too much. They're always hanging out in here until I kick them out, but they're so cute...never lived with cats before.

Sigh, I got a few calls from people today asking how I've been. It's so nice to hear from all of you. :) I want to say great, but honestly, I'm not great. I'm not bad, but it's just that feeling that you don't mean anything, and the life you left just went on without you, not even knowing you're gone. And the life ahead...I don't know...I fit in fine, make new friends left and right, but it's like...I'm not as interested I guess? I miss my best friends. I still feel misplaced...out of place. And the only comforting thing is knowing that it won't last for long. It's only been a week, but feelings like these make time go by really slow. Writing comforts me, keeps me distracted, and helps me reflect on my day.

Missing You

I'm missing someone from home right now. I'm not sure why I kept thinking about it today. And surprisingly, it's not a someone that I expected.

Me

The more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps I really was being taken for granted by my good friends from home. Not all, not even most, but yea they're out there. Being in this new place where everyone is really cool and exciting...

Sigh, I hardly ever got a thank you (much less any response) from some...especially a few I cared about most. And being rather dumb, I'd do more...not just because I enjoyed it (I did), but probably because I thought I'd be appreciated more. Course, that tends to get me even more taken for granted. I know my initial intentions are never to expect anything in return...but the human me. I want to feel worth while too...even just a thanks. Even better if it was an excited thanks. I shouldn't care, I know. Sometimes it seems it would be better not to do anything for anyone again.

Alas, another struggle with who I am, and who I want to be.

Fish Lee

Haha I forgot Fish at home. I'm actually not to sure about bringing him up anymore since there's two cats here that dip their paws into EVERYTHING! Lol. Jeff's offered to feed him again. Thanks Jeff!

Heading to Work

I'd say that I probably have one of the most relaxing drives to work every morning. :) Two minutes of pretty houses, and then it's all hills and country side and looks so...beautiful. Eight minutes later, I'm at work. It's a wonderful thing.

Moved In

I think I'm going to leave this laptop on this side of the bed tonight. It'll keep me from rolling to that side when I wake up in the morning and tipping it. Lol yea, it's true there's a ghetto part of my room...two really...a shelf that you can't put anything on lol. But oh well, I can't live in luxury forever haha. I'll look for a twin bed on craig's list. Or just bring up my matress from slo or something. This futon is the lumpiest thing I've ever slept on, other than a rock under a tent.

The good news is I finally moved into my place and have most of my stuff set up. Course I find out I'm missing a bunch of stuff that I can definitely use...like a room lamp (thank goodness I brought my desk lamp otherwise I'd be doing everything in the dark right now). But it's all good. I'm not used to a smaller room, but I'd say this is a good size 10 x 12...I've just been spoiled all this time. I spent some time to put together my little ikea desk. I'd bought it on a whim almost a year ago and it was just sitting in a box in my room in slo, and I was scratching my head as to why on earth I bought it even though it was so cheap...haha well I'm glad I did.

Next is looking for different bed options...maybe a twin? And then looking up housing for next year in San Luis Obispo. I really want to live off of Highland. And as long as the place is clean, I don't mind living with new people.

Anyways, this entry is all over the place. I've been talking about this evening so far, but perhaps I should un-confuse my future self and start from the beginning...yesterday.

I went over to Russell's house to play some nintendo wii and drink some margaritas. Got a call from Chris and Alex who's house I had checked out up in San Jose saying come on over to their Cinco de Mayo party...haha I really didn't think they'd remember me. Ebrah called me to say him and Tyler were back in town safely from the river. And I drank margaritas and looked like a silly goof playing nintendo wii haha. Fun times. I went back home, ate some tacos with Andrew and his friends Nathan and Jim, played some Jenga, and talked to Adrienne who'd come over to pick up Jeff to watch Spiderman 3. I wanted to go, but I'd already seen it lol...but yea that's how good it is, I wanted to go again! I went over to Ebrah's house for about a half hour instead to just hear the stories from the river and say hi. They were tired...so was I. I went home and decided to take a nap. I had expected Jeff to call later that night after the movie, but he never did. :( I guess he just came home and crashed too. It was like...1am by that time lol.

I woke up for church on Sunday to go to the early service. It was a good reminder. Love your friend, love your neighbor, love your enemies, and the people you can't stand, and the ones who make you hurt, and the ones who...well you get the idea. I get mad with people sometime, but I couldn't really think of anyone that I couldn't, or didn't love. That's a good thing. I guess I can work on those times when I may not love someone for even a short period of time. It's not easy. To be a good Christian and follow his footsteps...it might be the hardest thing. Bugs me sometimes when I hear someone say that oh, you're Christian, life's easy for you.

Tyler made me lunch today...ravioli and smoothies mmm. We talked and hung out and then Ebrah came home and sadly to say in my hindsight vision that I got distracted by him and didn't give Tyler the attention I should have. Tyler did just make me lunch and I had come over to hang out with him before I left. I didn't expect Erik to come home. That's one effect of Ebrah I have to work on lol. Bah. Friendships are hard. He reminds me of everything I want and...can't have. But yea...let's not talk about that. I'm moving on remember? New city, new town, new people.

I met up with Joey in Watsonville and we drove up to Aptos to meet with people from the Chamber. They were really cool and had this dog, that played fetch for almost an hour straight. How she never got tired of it, I have no idea. I've learned next time...don't throw anything for her! Lol. Our Senior Project is on it's way, though there's going to be a lot of meetings and collaborations in the near future. I might join them every once in a while and volunteer my time to help them plan and host events around the city. That would be cool. Also, I have to mention this amazing find that I came across...a farmer's market selling produce and goodies. So cheap! And yet so good! Those strawberries, oh my. Haha I remember when I used to hate strawberries. I changed my mind in 2003. I used to hate pineapples too. I changed my mind about that a few weeks ago lol...right before I left for this coop actually. Anyways, the market is at the intersection of the 152 and College Drive in Watsonville. I've put it on my map. Go check it out.

And that brings me right back to the beginning. I moved in, and the cats just hung out with me and wandered around all my stuff, made themselves comfortable in my bed, and jumped into my lap to be pet. They're probably the friendliest cats who want the most attention I'd ever seen. I love em already.

Lunch at CPK

Ah I like posting to my blog...journal...whatever you want to call it. Not sure if anybody reads it, but it's comforting to me...a journal. I keep other ones for those deep and secret thoughts lol. Dan had mentioned making it my creative writing project...like talking about San Jose like it was a new planet. That would have been cool if I had remembered haha.

Anyways, between napping all day, I had lunch with my slo roommates at CPK. Good times indeed, I really do enjoy their company. The boys kind of had their own thing as far as jokes and impressions, and talking about music from the old days. There wasn't a whole lot I could pitch into the conversation since I forgot a lot about the old songs (or hadn't really heard them), or didn't keep track of the music industry during those times. But I got a kick out of watching them rap together. ;) And they make me laugh.

I hear talk about a graduation party on the 16th of June. Double graduations, and a pitch out there for throwing my birthday in the mix too. I'll have to make sure and see if I'm in town. I don't want to take their spotlight either...not that it would really matter I guess. I know that Tim and Tom have graduation from UCSD on June 18th. I don't know how I'm going to really work all this into my work schedule since it's not exactly easy take off work.

We stopped by Home Depot after hearing that there was some festival-like thing going on in the parking lot, but it was over by the time we got there...so Andrew got a venus fly trap instead. Haha he's so excited about it. I can hear him downstairs talking about the bug he'd caught and is waiting for the plant to eat it.

There's nothing like home. I had gotten tired of this place, but after being gone for only a week, it felt so nice to come back. I do miss it...the people, lifestyle, personal space lol. While I know I'm adaptable, and I'll probably be settled down in a few weeks, I've discovered that I'm just not a big city fan anymore. Visiting is fine...exciting. But city living...it just doesn't feel right anymore. And while I'm liking the thought of my paycheck every week, and it's so easy to meet new people in the city (there's so many of them), I'll be happy when my job is over and I can come back here...home. I can call some people up, probably should. But I'm enjoying just lazying my day away, taking naps, writing, reading, and not doing any work...which now that I just mentioned it, I should probably do some of.

I do miss the days back in Orange County and the type of relationship I had with my friends back then. I used to think that everyone was like us since it's how I grew up, but of course, growing up you find more and more how different everyone is. We used to just show up to each other's houses, unannounced...not to be entertained, but just for company...or to suggest something to do on the town. I'd sit on the phone with Gloria for hours, talking about nothing relevant really and a lot about boys. We had play fights a lot, whether it was tag, wrestling with boys, or throwing pillows at each other. We'd surprise and scare the crap out of one another every once in a while too (Gloria can vouch for the plastic knife incident haha). I am the type to enjoy random company and giving real hugs (like anyone else I'd presume). I don't get pissed of if I'm woken up from a nap or the middle of the night by people I know and instead enjoy the fact that someone was thinking of me lol.

Sigh, me, me, all about me. Sounds silly to write about one's self...but I guess this is my blog. And my journal. And my thoughts. Ah my thoughts...all over the place at times. Boys, food, family, all the things I have to do, things I want to do, the past, the future, how incredibly comfortable my bed is right now...haha at this rate I'll be taking my 4th nap of the day. Maybe you'll discover something new about me. I know that in writing things out...I find out something new about myself all the time. Guess that helps me to grow into who I want to be. I know that I'm oblivious to a lot of things I do and mistakes I make sometime. Writing really does help to sort things out, for me at least.

Road Trips and Spiderman 3

Ha so I wrapped up my work yesterday (I won't be seeing the British guys anymore :( cause they've finished their project contract), grabbed some coffee and hit the road...to Fresno. It was kind of on a whim. I had asked some friends from home but didn't hear of anything really going on in SLO-town anyways, so why not? Traffic was a bitch for part of the way since it was a one or two lane highway during some parts. But other than that, the drive was gorgeous, the weather was good, and I could be one of those people singing to music in the car because nobody else could hear me (although I'm sure I looked silly but who cares). I made a stop along the way and was rather challenged by a...peacock. Yea, that's right...a peacock. He thought it would be cool to run in front of my car on this street, and when I hit the breaks, he'd saunter off to the side, only to run in front of my car again when I pressed the gas pedal. He probably thinks he's being bold stopping a car like that, but for the most part, I'm thinking that this bird has no brains and is about to be roadkill haha. Also, I can't really remember where I stopped exactly, but this Chevron gas station had the most fancy and elaborate restrooms I've ever seen. It's nicer than most restaurants. Random fact in case you're ever driving on the 152.

I got to Fresno and met up with Erik and Tyler to watch Spiderman 3 in IMAX. They're my best friends so I wanted to see them, and it was Ebrah's birthday afterall. :) They were around the area because of rafting at the river this weekend. Anyways, as it turns out, the 10:15 showing was sold out, so I had a ticket for the 1am showing and was hoping that the line would be hectic enough that the ticket-taker wouldn't notice. Haha get this, she even looked at my ticket separately than Erik and Tylers, and I got in no problem. Sweet deal. Not sure what would have happened if they'd kicked me out and told me to come back at 1am. I probably would have just headed home lol.

We grabbed our seats, hung out, and watched the movie, which I give like 10 thumbs up. I'd make a horrible movie critic because I like most movies I see lol. I tend to like them, or like them better. Maybe it's just me, but Peter Parker reminds me of Ebrah a lot of times lol. And as for MJ, I can relate to most of the problems she had with her boys haha. Anyways, the movie was intense, hilarious, and well worth watching again.

After the movie, we drove around Fresno looking for places open at 1am. We found an open store and picked up some beer cases and apple pie...mmm. Then kicked it back in the move theater parking lot waiting for Nato to get there. Thinking of the long drives ahead of us, a nap was decided on so we all grabbed our stuff and piled into Sue's truck bed telling stories and making jokes, singing songs and being all snuggled in our gear. It must have looked real funny to some people who might have walked or drove by. All you can really see are the top of moving blankets in the back of a truck bed lol.

When Nato arrived, we all talked for a bit, did some transferring of more gear, and took off our separate ways. They went back to the river, and I headed for SLO-town. Around 4:30am I was starting to nod off so I pulled over and slept until 6:30am, headed home and arrived at 8:30am. I took a shower and hit the sheets I was so dead lol.

Since then, I've said hi to the roommates, who were asking me questions and telling jokes that strangely...I had no feelings about. I didn't think the jokes were funny, and I was getting tired of talking, and it's like my brain couldn't think of what to say. My head is buzzing right now, and I'm sure that it's because I didn't sleep last night lol. I probably couldn't feel any emotion right now if I wanted to lol. We're thinking CPK at 1:30pm, but Jeff might not go and it won't be as fun without you buddy. But for now, another nap. :)

This first week...never a single dull moment.

Lunch Breaks

I did a lot of Cal Poly coop administrative stuff this morning. And tried to connect myself to CMVC in my rational application developer...still working on that lol. Slight rain today, but I'm enjoying the overcast weather. Randomly thinking to myself, I wonder if the colors in each building affects the workers in different ways. My building is all red...some of the walls, the doors, the bathrooms, etc. Keeps me alert some some extent I guess. I've seen people brushing their teeth or doing something in the morning every day so far. It's like a dorm lol.

Just got back from lunch with Sam and Jack. We went off campus to um...Norton's Empire? I forget the name exactly, but it's an Italian place named after a crazy guy we were reading about on the back of the menu. Apparently he declared himself emperor of a lot of things (such as Emperor of the United States...or San Francisco) and the Protector of Mexico. The waitress told us he was pretty much crazy. Food was good. Now it's back to work. I thought I'd stick this in here while I am recovering from my food coma.

San Jose Places of Interest

Want to see my google map of San Jose Places of Interest? It's unlisted, but you can still see it here.

My San Jose Address

Oh yea, and here's the location of my new pad. I'm excited. Turns out I also live really close to Megan. :)

6908 Maiden Ln
San Jose, CA 95120

The Saddle Rack

I'm not getting accustomed to this routine. And I think I'm starting to know why. I don't have my own space for anything really. No time for down time.

At work, I sit next to the printer most of the day listening to the English guys talk, every once in a while talking too. But I normally end up leaving the room to work somewhere else, anywhere new and random...outside if I can (that's one nice thing...wireless EVERYWHERE). Nobody else here does that. Most people stay in their offices with the doors closed. Perhaps if I actually had an office I may be more inclined to stay too.

Either way, I have to clean up all my stuff at the end of the day and lug it back to the car with me. I come over to my cousins house and take in a bag of stuff in the evening, and pack out my bag of stuff every morning. Most of my things of interest just stay in the car untouched.

Ah well I've been alright so far. I think that things are catching up with me though. I found out today that my fitness account had been terminated over at 24 Hour Fitness. I pretty much had the lifetime membership deal. They said they won't reactivate it. I'm calling the headquarters tomorrow, but I don't know how to deal with them. They'll probably just tell me to talk to someone in person on site. Bah.

But yea work was laid back today. I got a lot more administrative stuff done, talked to a few more people and made more friends, found out some more ways to get involved in the IBM culture, and...ran into someone I knew lol. I was on my way out of the cafeteria when I heard my name and turned around to see Samuel Park, from my 309 class last quarter. Sweetness someone else from Cal Poly. He's on a coop too and started two weeks ago. The majority of his team is younger than mine and I sat down and talked with them for the rest of lunch. They asked me to go to dim sum for lunch tomorrow...Mmm. I made friends with some girls in the food lounge too and we talked about playing soccer on Saturdays and I suggested coordinating an ultimate frisbee game or two. They said they'd totally come.

It was nice not having to check out houses after work today. I went up with Kim to check out the Saddle Rack in Fremont. I turned down a street and totally thought I had made a wrong turn since it was in the back of a deserted street in a business area. Kind of reminded me of the Grad tucked way back there too. The place is huge. They teach dances, but I must admit, they're more accomodating to the older folk...which there were quite a few of. I take it the younger crowd comes more on Fridays and Saturdays from what I hear. Either way, the place is pretty neat with multiple dance floors, pool tables, mechanical bull, bars, and a live band. If I came with more people I knew, it would be a blast no matter who the other crowd was. The place is nice and the band is good and I'm with people I care about, so what else would matter? We played pool, danced a few dances, and had a drink before taking off. It was pretty low key tonight, but exciting all the same. And of course...two of the only asians there lol.

Fun times. Took the bridge back to Atherton. Ready to take a shower, do some senior project, hit the sack, and start another day of work tomorrow. Perhaps head to Fresno afterwards, or maybe go straight to SLO-town...haven't really decided yet.

Daddy Update

Here's the current update on my Dad for those of you who have asked...

I spoke with Annie by phone this (Wednesday) afternoon also. She thought there was slight improvement in terms of Jackson moving and unconsciously reacting to touch or other stimuli. Since the seizures had diminished, the dilantin was discontinued for the time being, leaving just one anti-seizure medication, keppra. The hope is that this might help him regain some level of consciousness.

Louie

It's official!

Ah those words...

It is official that I've found a place to live in San Jose and will no longer be a wandering nomad commuting everywhere and anywhere. The place is actually near IBM and I can take the back country roads to get there...shoot, I could probably take a nice 20-30 minute bike ride to work (I'm pretty slow for those who don't know lol). I've paid a deposit and have a key as of 9pm tonight...although I won't be moving in until this Sunday. Anyways, the area is growing on me. I went back to the Starbucks I'd gone to after visiting the place the first time a few days back, and the guy I had talked to was there. He remembered me. :) "Michelle, right?" Reminds me of my friend Jessica from home. She was an awesome barista at Starbucks too. But yea there's a B of A close by and it's a nice area. Being more into the hills, it has a smaller town feel even though it's right next to the big city.

Work today was alright. Not too eventful. I got to meet Paul, who was in today after being gone for a while. He's Brandon's office-mate. And he just got engaged so he bought everyone fancy bagels lol. I hear that's what they do, any thing good happens, you spend a bunch of money on everyone else to celebrate hehe. Plus from the plaque on his wall, I see this guy has an IBM patent...impressive.

I offered Brandon a ride home since he missed his bus to the light rail showing me stuff. He took me up on it and asked if I wanted to go to Jubilee with him. I said sure. Jubilee...wow. What is it you ask? Well, it's a church...non denominational...and huge...like...HUGE. Their youth program is big and they have a lot of sponsors, so they bought out a whole business building next door and turned it into pretty much a youth gathering center. The place is huge, with techy stuff you'd find in a discovery museum. Seven nice pool tables, two indoor basketball courts, six or so huge plasma tvs, and at least twenty large flat screen tvs. Pretty much each tv was hooked up to it's own game console with all the games you could imagine. There's a computer lab, study lounge, i-pod stations, cafe, and of course a large room for evening services. I've just never seen anything like it...or even imagined it. All the youth are welcome and it keeps them out of trouble and the streets. I was watching some kids doing some sweet dance moves...oh yea...they have a youth dance team too lol.

I met the sweetest boys there...Chris, Andrew, and Peter. I played some Super Smash with Chris and Andrew, and held up pretty well until the end. They're in high school, maybe junior high. Hopefully I'll get to see them again. If I come often enough, I can probably become a regular volunteer for the youth group here every Wednesday night like Brandon does. I got to meet most of the staff already. Though, I'm still looking around for different churches.

I took some time there to call back the other people I was turning down. They were all sad, but understood. One of them asked if I liked hiking. I said of course, so she asked me to go hiking with her on Sundays every once in a while. Sweetness.

I didn't get to stay for the service though. I left to visit a place in east San Jose, which was nice, but not in a nice neighborhood, so it was that time that I decided on the place near work. The guy in east SJ, Will, is 25 and owns 5 houses on his own. He bought his first property when he was 20. Craziness.

Anyways, I signed the lease and drove back up to Atherton, ate a lovely dinner with my cousin and her family, and now I'm totally ready to crash. What I need to get working on though is my senior project. Sorry Joey, it's been a little hectic lately. Tomorrow, I plan on doing some real fun on the town. Kim and I are gonna go check out the Saddle Rack. I'll tell you how it is Cameron. :)

Lunch Break

I guess you can say this is my lunch break right now. I got hungry so I went to the cafeteria and got a grilled chicken quesedilla with mixed green salad. It's odd when you come to a place and you're new because you're so...aware. Aware of what people are talking about even when you try not to be. You see everyone and everything in the room and not just your destination. Some people sit in gorups and talk, and some people (like me) sit by themselves. That's kind of a good thing for me now though. I'm too tired to talk to someone right now and do the small talk thing. Although I did chat with the chefs at the grill. They were really upbeat and were really nice to me.

I kind of wonder if I fit in here. I look around and see people standing in line and staring off into space, with dark circles under their eyes. Not all of them, but I can tell that some people overwork themselves here. I'm liking it right now when I still feel new and fresh and immersed in all the new things going on, but I'm afraid of becoming like some of these people I see around me...so familiar with everything they don't notice anymore...just do the same thing, walk the same routes, eat the same foods, sit with the same people, and stare off into space instead of taking a look around. I might start getting to that point in a month or so, but that's when a few hundred more coops will be coming in and Ray has ask me to help with some of the large scale events and planning. I'm pretty excited about that.

The setup here at the SVL is kind of neat. I think it could be better, but oh well. They got a bunch of buildings in square blocks (all connected underground) which surround a middle plaza, which is actually very nice and I can see them having large events out there every once in a while. Some buildings above ground are connected, but there are large gates where they aren't connected so we can leave the premises, and get in using our card ids.

I am very sleepy right now for some reason, and am glad that the two hour meeting scheduled for today was canceled and moved to tomorrow. I got a ton of meeting "invitations" today, which would add up to about 17 hours of meetings next week. Sigh. If I don't fall asleep, it'll really catch me up to date on the project I'm going to be working on lol.

It was raining today, so traffic was a little bit slower. I took me an hour to get to work today, leaving at 7:50am and arriving around 8:45am. There was traffic on the other side from about 5 miles after I got on the 101 freeway all the way down to the 85. I would not want to be going north bound in the morning. On the way down I was thinking of what it would be like commuting like this every day. I didn't like the idea. Unless something else pops up and someone calls me to go see a place, I think I'm gonna give Brian a call and take up his offer. $650 a month, including utilities and cleaning services lol...he says he takes care of the house and all I have to do is take care of my room. The rent is about the same as my place in SLO...actually less since the monthly bills there are so high. But paying double rent is still a pain. Yet, even with that, I'll still be making more for my savings account than I ever had before, so I'm not really going to complain.

I laughed to myself as I was listening to the English guys again today. It's funny because I really am the cat put into the same rooms as a litter of puppies and so their conversations stop and they stare at me and smile or wave whenever I come or leave the room. I still have to pack everything up whenever I go out and take everything out again whenever I come back, since the room isn't secure. I walk around IBM everywhere in my business clothes and my Northface backpack on my shoulders...sometimes my laptop in my arm if I got to lazy to stick it in my pack again.

Ah, the sun just came out. A little breezy around here, but I was actually enjoying the overcast weather. Although it did dash my plans today of exploring IBM outside the main campus. I see people taking walks around the facilities all the time and I've spotted some outdoor basketball and volleyball courts. I want to find the trails around here too.

My second day of work at IBM...definitely slower than the first. I worked 9 hours today because the places I wanted to take a look at weren't available for viewing until 6:30pm.

My work environment...

I'm still in a mobility office with my desk right next to the door and printer...probably the worst combination possible really. I see a new face race in and out of here every few minutes through the door to pick up papers from the really loud printer. Lol oh well who am I to complain really. It's a little unorganized here, but this is temporary. It's a good way to meet a gazillion new people, and I'm entertained by my music and the British technical writing team that I share this office with. I listen to them talk about the most random things...from stories to a silly IBM joke. I talked to them for the first time today. They're in this temporary office since they're contractors and working for IBM for only about 6 weeks.

I don't have a checklist of tasks to do or much direction really. They helped to get me set up, and then that's it really. I knew the goal of my job was to test software. I don't really even know which software project lol. But I'm starting off simple...get my basic technology set up, get familiar with everything from the facility to my new fancy laptop, install all the software, immerse in the culture, and then hopefully by next week I'll be doing some real programming. Though I've got to learn about JUnit first. So I've made a task list for myself and sent it to my manager and my lead and they responded with a looks good! Sigh, leading myself into the unknown is always makes me excited and anxious at the same time. Who knows what'll pop up around the corner. And my problem is that I don't even know if I'm leading myself in the right direction! Am I doing this right?

The facilities here are very squarish. And super easy to get lost in, because where there would logically be a hallway that led somewhere...there wasn't or it lead somewhere completely random. The maze is on the first foor really. It's not too hard to figure out once you get above ground because there are tons of windows you can see out of to find out where you are. I found the fitness room, game room, video conference rooms, exits, cafeteria, security office, lounges, giant data centers and network control centers, and walked passed a lot of old "classic" (and I don't find attractive at all really) art.

The general age range here is much older than me, but that's because I hear the coops aren't really in season yet lol. They're all nice though and say hi and smile. There is no strict dress code here (unless you're on the customer front line), but while many of the older people wear nice work clothes, or perhaps jeans and a nice shirt, my team lead wears jean shorts and sneakers. I've been coming dressed up business casual every day, but I'm itchin for the right time to start wearing my jeans lol. I'll wait until half way through next week.

Anyways, walking around I randomly found things out one by one and signed myself up for the fitness center and randomly got an eco pass, where I met and befriended Mario, our security guard.

I spent three hours today installing some software, which made me leave later than I expected, but like I said it worked out good since I didn't have to be anywhere until 6:30pm. I spent four hours driving around and visiting places again today. Still haven't been rejected by any, but I still don't know which place I want to live! They all have their pros and cons...

Place #4:
Near the 85 off the Almaden Exit.

Pros:

• Carmencita really liked me a lot
• After meeting me she sent me an email willing to accomodate whatever really...friends, tv, air conditioning, lower rent/bills
• She was nice and her daughter is cute
• The decor is really nice and beautiful...feels like a home

Cons:

• Parking is crap
• She has a 13 year old daughter, which is fine, but not what I had in mind is all
• The place is major cluttered, which she said she's clearing out, but it'll take time of course, including clearing out the room that I'd occupy
• The place is a townhouse, and I'm looking for a house

Place #5:
East San Jose close to Capitol Expressway.

Pros:

• Beautiful, spacious, clean, fancy house
• Room comes furnished and has a nice big closet
• Room isn't too small or too big, perfect size
• Rent is good, around $500
• Backyard...wow
• Nice quiet neighborhood

Cons:

• The place is too clean...almost like nothing is touched
• The living situation is that everyone keeps to themselves and don't hang out
• It's in east San Jose, further than most places I've looked at
• It really is...TOO quiet

Place #6:
College students inhabited house on Saratoga/Campbell border off the 85

Pros:

• Super nice in terms of location, and relatively close to 85
• Really big corner house
• Kids my age...and they're all really cool and laid back...they go to school and/or work
• Whether I live there or not, I think I just made some new friends
• Room is good size
• For all the guys living there, it's relatively pretty clean (note relatively lol)

Cons:

• Well, it's a party house
• Smells like weed...I smelled like weed leaving the place
• Three boy roommates
• Not very home style decorated because...it's a party house...lots of open space and scratched up floors for the party-goers lol
• Backyard is all dirt...but big
• The room is in the middle of the house and has thin walls

For the most part, it was fun meeting all the new people and checking out the places (I got some ideas for how I want my house to look someday), but I'm gonna turn them all down. The party house was fun to visit, and I hung out with them for a while playing darts and meeting them and their friends that were there. Chris, Alex, and another guy who's name starts with an M...Matt? Chris was kind of on top of everything and showing me around, and Alex came and followed us around after a few minutes and he was the one I hung out with afterwards. He seems like a nice kid. By the way, I rocked the dart board...shoot, suprised myself lol. ;)

The Inbetween

It's an odd thing being in that in-between phase that inevitably happens and comes hand in hand with change...any kind of change really. I haven't even been here for a full 48 hours yet but I feel like I've been here for a while...weeks. It was kind of a blessing that I didn't have a place yet since looking for one has been such an adventure and has kept my mind off missing home....slo. Keeps me on my toes too. And really from the get-go, it hasn't been that bad. You call, they respond, you visit, they tell you they really want you to live there, you decide.

It's starting to get really hard to decide lol. I checked out 3 more places today. Out of all six, two of them offered to lower the rent for me, and give me 'extra' accomodations. That's pretty kewl. Makes me wonder how the normal renter in San Jose (or I guess anywhere really) is. I think I'd make a good roommate since I'm so adaptable, but I'm still a 21 year old college student with a myspace profile with some happy-time pictures on it lol (not big on myspace btw). Haha well why doubt myself. I think I'd be awesome to live with too. :)

So Kim woke me up this morning and I groggily got up and got ready at 7am. I left the house with my three small totes by 7:45am, and was at work sitting at my desk by 8:30am. As I got onto the freeway from Atherton, I was going maybe 20 mph for about 10 minutes, then I was hittin 70 the rest of the way down. Amazing, not much traffic at all. It was all going the other way. That made me consider staying at my cousins house for at least another month until I could find more coops/interns to move in with (I came at an in-between time where the coops are already here, or haven't started yet lol). But it still took 40 minutes to drive to work...which to a lot of working people may not seem so bad, but to me, a slo-spoiled small-town converted girl...it felt like more than forever.

The place that I am considering would take me 10 minutes or less to drive to work, never even having to hit a freeway. I could take the back country roads, beautiful really. Which means I'd get at least a whole extra hour of sleep every night. :)