My Daddy's Love

I had a dream that woke me up crying this morning. It was so touching. I was heartbroken. And it felt like I went through an entire night, but I know the dream only lasted 9 minutes because it was after I pressed my snooze button on my phone alarm. Time is so precious. Maybe that's what heaven's like...being in a dream forever.

My brother was there. It was at my dad's house back in Hacienda Heights. I was happy. A little stressed as usual trying to put on an event for a lot of kids. We had fish bowls out like my fish bowl for Fish Lee. We had been following instructions to grow this beautiful plant right before our eyes. It was green and redish with red flowers. The part that wasn't a flower looked more like grass. It was small like one of those underwater plants.

So a kid got everything together, and we all stood around as he added the last thing...water. We watched the plant grow right before our eyes to full bloom. It was like being in a fairy tale. So beautiful...we've witnessed a miracle.

Some time had passed and the event was over. I was still at my dad's house in the master bedroom in which the bed was gone, and there was framed art hanging from the ceiling. I stayed and leaned back on a couple pillows on the floor. There were fish bowls around me to be taken out and cleaned. I watched with my brother as my uncles decided on what to do with my dad. How he was sick, but if they could even keep him conscious for four more months, it would be worth anything. It was like I didn't have any feelings throughout watching this and I just nodded not really caring. I walked out to put the pillows away and saw my dad sitting in the dining area in a chair next to the sliding glass doors. He smiled at me and said hi michelle. I just smiled back and held up the pillows in question to where they were supposed to go. An older man politely directed me out passed the sliding glass doors and into the backyard. Here I saw why my dad was waiting in the dining room for me. It was beautiful. The backyard lights were on, dimly. I could see the remnants of a neighbor's party in a house beyond the fence. But the pool was shimmering. A table was set. Music was playing softly. I even remember the song. It's an old song. I don't remember the words now, and I don't know what it's called. The old man pointed to a chair and I looked at it. I just stared at all the beautiful setting, which wasn't really beautiful with dirty backyard furniture, but it was so beautiful to me. I saw my dad smiling at me through the glass doors and I knew. And I cried.

Lately in real life, all the events with my dad has made me rather numb. I felt bad, but it didn't affect me anymore as much. And rather sadly, this was because I was starting to care a little less. We only get hurt when we care. But even though I was caring about him less, he was still caring about me a lot. In my dream he'd woken up from his coma induced state and even though he only had a little time left he had wanted to do something special for me. Give me a place to relax and give me peace in that back yard. Set up something that wasn't beautiful physically, but was so beautiful mentally because it was so thoughtful. And I had been caring less over the past few months. But that was what he wanted for me the whole time and during the small time he was awake still. The sad thing is that I know that's how he is in real life. I know he would do even more.

People come visit him pretty often, and then they leave. When I visit, he holds me there like he never wants to let me go. I know he's tired but he doesn't want to sleep because he doesn't want me to leave. He holds my hand and we try to talk or communicate as best as we can. And when I finally do leave, I see his face get sad. He holds my hand and says a prayer. And then he lets me go with a little wave and a smile. I normally leave, and then I come back to check on him again...he doesn't know that I'm watching. Sometimes he tries to sleep. But most of the time I see him cry, unable to get up, unable to follow me and go with me. My heart can't take this anymore. I leave.

In my dream, I knew that even though I was in a state where I was caring less. His love never ceased. So much like Christ. And even though it's right in front of our faces, it hits you to realize how much you've been loved this whole time...even if you knew it and didn't realize it at the same time. And this love...it's the real love...God's perfect love. The kind I've been trying to pursue, but it is hard, so hard. It requires letting go some things you love most...for them. It's holding in all the times people have wronged you and said bad things...and then letting it diminish...and caring for them anyways. You have the option to not care, and thus not get hurt, but it's chosing to care. I sat in that chair in the back yard over looking the pool and the fence. I felt my inner peace and relaxation. My dad couldn't sit with me, but I knew he was watching over me through the sliding glass doors.

When I woke up, I wanted him back. I wanted a dad who was never sick. I wanted a father's love, to be felt and held and...gosh everything. Sometimes I feel like God has robbed me of so much, and has robbed my dad of even more. I don't understand. He was a good man. He is a good man. i don't want to see my dad cry anymore. How could I have been so careless over the past few months...