Got my car fixed today. It'd been wearing down over the past...who knows how long. All $700 worth of whatever needed to be done. Brakes, struts, alignment checks, oil change...
A majority of my day went into setting up a stubborn new printer and writing nice Christmas cards. Then I got to hang out with mum for the rest of the afternoon with a late lunch and running errands.
It was a good day. :) I got to see Matt, Jared and Aric this evening...my three amigos. Megan came out with us too! I hadn't seen most of them in ages. They are high school friends from the "old days" lol. They all have the same attitude and charisma. Matt I talk to often enough, Megan and Jared I hadn't talked to in like two years, and Aric probably three. The boys haven't seen each other in quite a while too. It started off with Matt, Jared and I at Matt's place down the street. We went out to check out Christmas lights and went to a place that had their lights synced up to a radio station playing Christmas music...so awesome! Then we drove through a neighborhood full of lights. Apparently they have a contest every year so everyone goes all out. Next we picked up Megan from her house, and Aric from the Batman cave in downtown Brea. I couldn't think of anything to do in the area since the boys were tight on money so we opted for a Starbucks and sat down to chat and laugh. Then it was back to Matty's place to watch Superbad...it was way long for it's content I thought. It was past 1am by then and Jared has to wake up for work at 7am (that sucks!). Can't say I had it much better though lol...I have an appointment at 8:40am, still have to pack everything because we're leaving for SLO tomorrow at noon, have more cards to write, the garage to clean out, and a report for work to write up. I might as well just not sleep tonight lol.
I drove Megan home thinking it was so great to see her and converse again. She has always been a wonderful friend. Aric seems to have grown up more since the last time I saw him. He's lookin real good. And finally getting married! Jared hasn't changed much. I like to see people change, but it's always good to have a constant foundation to keep one focused. Anyways, Jared is still the good guy that I used to like...they all have been good guys.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I can't seem to figure out why, but my productivity, no matter how much time I put into getting things done, seems to go down exponentially whenever I am at home. Maybe it's because my to-do list grows with mum asking for last minute favors. Or because everything is ten times as far as in SLO. Or because it's just a lazy time for me. When I'm at home, I normally stay around home. When I'm in SLO I'm all over the place. Who knows. Oh well.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Start of a Beautful Break
I'm finally back home and on a computer, connected back to the world once again. Or perhaps it's more of being connected back to the ball that is chained to my fingers. My holiday was short, but sweet. I'll write of my week up in northern cali first, then move on to the real relaxing part of my break...hanging out in good company in a deserted desert.
As of right this moment, I'm sitting on my bed in my old room (filled with Christmas decorations lol), listening to my lil brother serenade me on his guitar. I'd love to get him a nice new guitar for Christmas, but sadly I don't have the money. :( He's playing so well these days, and if there's something that I'd want him to get into as he continues through the pressures of high school...it'd be music. Anyways, he's stopped to keep reading his textbook at my desk (he claims it is his now). A biography of Pattie Boyd called Wonderful Tonight lies at my feet and my iPod Nano is charging for my next trip on the road.
I sure do love those road trips. School let out on the 7th of December, but I was still working my ass off after my last final to finish up my senior project. Then I headed up north for a few days to kick it, visit, do some business, study, and have some fun. Relaxing didn't happen as much as I thought it would...that would have been nice if it did. Do I even remember all the things I did?
Tuesday: Drove up in a caravan with Chris. Met up with Russell in Millbrae and had some delicious (and expensive) gelato ice cream at some fancy Italian restaurant that was ironically located right next to a loud train track, intersection, and gas station. Who knew it'd be so classy? Then it was off to drive him back to Mountain View and head over to Atherton for the evening with family.
Wednesday: Woke up, showered, checked email, then drove to REI to pick up a snowboard bag for my trip to Colorado. I ended up getting a rolly one and am sure glad I did. I thought it'd be too big, but hey it holds my board, bindings, boots, and all my other snow gear along with it...barely. Glad I won't have to put all my snow stuff in extra bags! Then I went up to meet Russell in the city for lunch. I should have inquired where exactly he worked beforehand because I was driving around the wrong parts until he asked where I was. So I drove on over and found good parking, but was 20 minutes late to my dismay. Plus as I was getting out of my car, a trolley driver hollered at me and told me to call him. Confused, I looked at him until he said that drivers need some love too...along with how beautiful Asian women and mixes were especially and more along those lines that I didn't really pay attention to as I turned around to lock my car door. How would he know I was a mix anyways? Psh. Men. Particularly San Francisco men. Lunch was good...great really. My time with Russell is always a good dose of good company where I can talk business, fun, life, stories, anything really and he can do the same. And I'm talking to someone on the same level as me. Perhaps I even look up to him. I don't look up to many people my age these days. Not that I look down on them either...it's just that you'd be surprised how many people I have to pick up and put back on their feet. I don't mind that because I like to help when I can, but it's a bit draining sometimes. Anyways, we went to some fast grill and got our food to go so I could put more coins in my meter. We sat and watched people driving by and parking. It's not as fascinating as SLO...people here can actually somewhat drive. They must've started off in LA. ;) After lunch I headed to Panera Break on 4th and King to go and do some work over the internet. It was suggested by Russell (who made the mistake of calling it Pandora so I couldn't find it forever) and when I got there, it was fabulous. It was my place of choice to work for the next few days really.
That evening, I took off for Stanford to go to a presentation and meet up with potential business partners. It was fun and the campus was gorgeous. We had dinner afterwards at P.F. Changs and then I headed on back up to San Francisco to stay with Gloria for the evening. She was still moving so stuff was scattered all over her room. I did some work, answered more emails, chatted with her and went to the store, hung up some curtain rods and curtains, and finally went to sleep at 4am.
Thursday: We woke up at 9am. I was so drowsy as I climbed out of bed and got back on the computer to do yet more work as Gloria got dressed and ready to go. We headed out to get some dim sum, then drove over to the 24 Hour Fitness on 2nd Street to work out and do some pilates. It felt great to work a sweat. I took my shower (with no towel mind you), and we headed over to Panera Bread to study and work. We were there for what felt like forever, but I got a lot done and she...kind of did lol. I think we are too distracting for our own good. Chris came by, then Russell stopped by, and then Kim came by to meet me. Rock climbing had been suggested, but Kim and I ended up driving down to downtown San Jose to watch the Sharks play against Vancouver. I had suggested it before, but didn't really think we'd do it. She said that she wanted to and I said okie dokie. I think we were too exhausted from the day to climb anyways. Sharks won of course with some awesome goals. There was a guy behind us who I could swear only learned three phrases in english: "Mother-Fuckers!"..."Geet it owta there!"...and "Geet it geet it!". The first phrase was repeated regularly. Lol I guess they all were. But aside from that, the experience was thrilling and kept me at the edge of my seat. It was both Kim and my first live hockey game. After it was over, I walked with Kim over to the bathroom and we bumped into none other than Ebrah. I knew he'd be there that night. I knew Russell would be there too. But I sure didn't think I'd run into either of them or anyone else I knew. It was my evening with my cousin and I had her all to myself. :) It was nice running into Ebrah though.
Friday: I woke up, showered, and went over to Panera Bread to eat and once again leach off their internet. I stayed there all day. I kept wanting to get out of there and go do something, but there was never a shortage of things for me to get done, so I just kept cranking things out. That evening I talked to Kim and she invited me out to go on the town with her, her friends, and her friend's coworkers. I was about to accept the invitation, but Ebrah finally called me back and said he'd go dancing with me, so I drove down to Fremont to do that instead. It was a wonderful time. And it's good to have my friend back. He had been gone all quarter and we all missed him dearly. Especially his fantastic dancing. The music and beers were good too.
Saturday: I woke up early to meet Ebrah at the courts in Saratoga. Just as I've been working on (and believe me, it's a hard habit to break), I was on time. On the other hand, he was very late. But considering my history of lateness, there's not really much I can say. It was another grand time. The best morning I'd had all week, although they were all good. It's pretty hard to get me down these days. I daydream about dating him. But that's all it is, a fading dream. And I guess it's alright. Like I said, it's more than wonderful to have my friend. The kid ain't perfect by any means. But he's got one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across. And that is something I can look up to. That's kind of how I am...I get inspired by the people around me. After our session I headed over to the 24 Hour that I was more familiar with off the Cottle Road exit from the 85. I did my run and used their shower (long-term membership these days are paying off lol). Then I headed down to my old place to pick up some mail and packages that had still come to the house even though I had moved out. Brian had gotten a new beautiful dog. Baby was gone and Junior still had reign of the house. He had stopped smoking to get high four months ago. Personally, I never really ever knew he was stoned when I lived there. He was still relatively with it and responsible, clean, respectful. The only times I knew for sure were when he told me so. Or I went with him to the playgrounds. Anyways, his previous habits had jacked up his memory and he thought I'd lived there 2 to 3 years ago...and that there was no way that I was a recent tenant. I had lived there only three months ago and was the most recent tenant to move out. It was an interesting conversation after that. He's a good guy. I've never regretted living there or meeting Brian. Next stop was the San Jose public library downtown. Parking was ridiculous, but well worth it. The place is beautiful. I had to get a library card to use the internet, so now I have a San Jose public library card. When they kicked me out at 6pm, I headed over to see Kimmers at her friend's place somewhere near Saratoga and Payne streets. It was short-lived before I headed back to downtown San Jose to meet up with Nate and his girlfriend Rachel to go out to San Francisco. Burmese dinner was great. I way overpaid since I ordered once dish and some people ordered three plus appetizers which I didn't really touch, and yet the bill was split evenly among all of us. If I'd known, I would've eaten more of their food! Then we went to Ghiradelli Square and ordered fancy ice creams and hot chocolates. Yuma kept leading Brian (different Brian) into wrong places I felt like. I took him to browse around the shop and we both got hot chocolate mixes. There was talk of going out, but I was so tired that I opted to head back home. I was probably out within 10 seconds of hitting the pillow that evening.
Sunday: Waking up is getting tough. Nate and I hung out and chatted in the morning until I had to head out to hit the road. Once I did, I made a detour to get gas, then somehow ended up in a mall, and then as expected, got stuck at the book store. God I love books. Most people don't know that though. If you don't know what to get me, you will always be safe with a gift card to Border or Barnes & Noble. I buy books faster than I can read them. I probably buy like 10-15 books a year...unfortunately I might get through only two that year. My shelves are stacked with good reads. Which reminds me to ask Russell for my book back...he should be finished with it (or given up on it due to lack of time) by now. After buying more books, I headed out, and headed home. SLO here I come! Jenny was home playing with Rocky when I came in the door in SLO. I took a much needed shower, cleaned up some, packed, did laundry, and relaxed for a little while with my roommate. Then I busted out one of my books and began to read. It was so relaxing. I despise the fact that I'm too busy to do something so simple these days. I was also waiting to hear back from someone I was hoping to meet up with that evening. I am wary of meeting new people this way, but he intrigued me...and that's not easy to do these days. I've had the pleasure of getting to know many wonderful, dedicated, motivated and talented people over the past few years. Anyways, I waited for a few hours and didn't hear anything after the time he said he'd be free. So I loaded up my car and headed out once again...this time to Orange County. I was slightly disappointed, but oh well. It's not like I knew him all that well anyways. Guess he missed his chance.
Monday: Well, first I arrive back home in the OC around 3:30am. That's because I took a small nap along the way. I figured I'd just crash into bed as soon as I got home, but all the lights were on when I walked into the door. And there was trash strewn everywhere on the floor and counter tops. Dishes were piled up and the dining table had food crumbs all over it. My brother was fast asleep in his room, Mom was still not home from work, and Papa was sitting on the couch just watching more tv. That bum. So I cleaned everything up and fixed up the house, emptied the fridge of milk and orange juice that had expired back in October, sent my Pa off to bed, and brought my stuff in from the car. Mom came home around 5:30am and I went to bed soon afterwards. I'm glad she didn't have to come home to such as messy house. I know it frustrates her that her husband and son don't attempt to clean the house or keep it tidy.
Anyways, I woke up at 9am, hopped out of bed and got dressed, kissed my sleepy mom goodbye in bed, and headed out to Fallbrook. It took just a little over an hour to get there. When I got to Tyler's house, I hung out playing with Cammie and his new chiweiner Oz until he got back from errands with Taylor. Then we packed up the mobile and headed out to the desert. It was great out there and I loved every minute of it. The boys said that on weekends and holidays the place is packed full with up to ten different parties per campsite. We pretty much had dozens of campsites all to ourselves. Tyler took Taylor and I for rides in the dune buggy which was exhilarating. I've never been in a real one before and the speed was so much fun! Plus it was not on a track which made it that much more thrilling. Taylor let me use his goggles, thank goodness for that. During the times that Tyler and Taylor were out for a run, I sat down and opened up my book. It was so relaxing being out there...desert as far as you can see. Just me and my book. We took out the guitar to play later and while Tyler was making us dinner, Taylor taught me how to drive the buggy. It wasn't hard, but I kept stalling because the loud engine would scare me and I kept thinking I did something wrong. Then it would stall. The boys kept telling me not to be scared of the noise. On the last attempt I was given, I finally got it to go and drove it in circles around our camp. I wish I could be a race car driver. Control behind the wheel is so much fun. We ate spaghetti and then went for a few more night runs. On Tyler and my run, the buggy ran out of juice and died on the road up to the dune. We walked back a little less than a mile and placed bets on how freaked out Taylor might be. I know I'd be way freaked out if I were left at camp and didn't know what happened to my friends. However, Tyler and I followed a light in the distance that did bring us back to camp. The partial moonlight helped us from tripping over rocks and weeds on our trek. We went to pick up the buggy, hung out by the campfire, then headed in to go to sleep.
Tuesday: Well, we woke up to pretty much do it all over again. Except we only got one or two runs out of the thing. There was something wrong with the electrical side, so we had to borrow jump cables the first time to get it up and running. But once it died, it died. We probably could have jumped it again, but we'd already given back the cables. The people we borrowed from were really nice. The man looked big and stern, but he looked so sweet trying to take pictures of his son who kept hiding his face from the camera. "Jordan, just one picture. I've got to have at least one since we came all the way out here." and "Okay Jordan, I've put it away I've put the camera away." as he looks through the lens in front of his face. The boy, Jordan Walker (or Rose) was the cutest thing. He was young, maybe in junior high? But he was a cutie pie and had an attitude like my brother, and kind of an east coast accent...though I don't know where it came from since they don't live too far away. The dad had taken his son out so his son could go riding. From the looks of it, the kid was really good. He did motorcross and rode his dirt bike back and forth across the desert in his nice racer clothes and fancy fixed up bike. When he gets famous someday, I'll say that I met him in the desert once. And I went with Tyler to get him a map of the area. :) The rest of the day with Tyler and Taylor was wonderful. They are quite funny together, and not purposefully so. On the way home we stopped by a little Mexican restaurant and passed a lot of areas where the recent Southern California wildfires reigned out of control. It was sad, but at the same time fascinating. I had been in Malibu a week before the fires there started and spread. And I hadn't come home until Thanksgiving, well after they were over. The devastation here seemed surreal to me. We dropped Taylor off and I got to meet his dog Chevy, then Tyler and I headed back to Fallbrook to pack out and clean up. Well, he did most of the cleaning up lol. I got to play with his dogs and hang out with his parents. I feel bad I should have helped out more. Then it was time to go home. I spent some time with my step-dad for a little bit, took a shower, did some work with my brother after he got home from practice, which bring me updated to right now...writing my story. It doesn't end though. Come Friday I'll be embarking on another journey once again to SLO, back home, and then to Colorado. I can't wait!
As of right this moment, I'm sitting on my bed in my old room (filled with Christmas decorations lol), listening to my lil brother serenade me on his guitar. I'd love to get him a nice new guitar for Christmas, but sadly I don't have the money. :( He's playing so well these days, and if there's something that I'd want him to get into as he continues through the pressures of high school...it'd be music. Anyways, he's stopped to keep reading his textbook at my desk (he claims it is his now). A biography of Pattie Boyd called Wonderful Tonight lies at my feet and my iPod Nano is charging for my next trip on the road.
I sure do love those road trips. School let out on the 7th of December, but I was still working my ass off after my last final to finish up my senior project. Then I headed up north for a few days to kick it, visit, do some business, study, and have some fun. Relaxing didn't happen as much as I thought it would...that would have been nice if it did. Do I even remember all the things I did?
Tuesday: Drove up in a caravan with Chris. Met up with Russell in Millbrae and had some delicious (and expensive) gelato ice cream at some fancy Italian restaurant that was ironically located right next to a loud train track, intersection, and gas station. Who knew it'd be so classy? Then it was off to drive him back to Mountain View and head over to Atherton for the evening with family.
Wednesday: Woke up, showered, checked email, then drove to REI to pick up a snowboard bag for my trip to Colorado. I ended up getting a rolly one and am sure glad I did. I thought it'd be too big, but hey it holds my board, bindings, boots, and all my other snow gear along with it...barely. Glad I won't have to put all my snow stuff in extra bags! Then I went up to meet Russell in the city for lunch. I should have inquired where exactly he worked beforehand because I was driving around the wrong parts until he asked where I was. So I drove on over and found good parking, but was 20 minutes late to my dismay. Plus as I was getting out of my car, a trolley driver hollered at me and told me to call him. Confused, I looked at him until he said that drivers need some love too...along with how beautiful Asian women and mixes were especially and more along those lines that I didn't really pay attention to as I turned around to lock my car door. How would he know I was a mix anyways? Psh. Men. Particularly San Francisco men. Lunch was good...great really. My time with Russell is always a good dose of good company where I can talk business, fun, life, stories, anything really and he can do the same. And I'm talking to someone on the same level as me. Perhaps I even look up to him. I don't look up to many people my age these days. Not that I look down on them either...it's just that you'd be surprised how many people I have to pick up and put back on their feet. I don't mind that because I like to help when I can, but it's a bit draining sometimes. Anyways, we went to some fast grill and got our food to go so I could put more coins in my meter. We sat and watched people driving by and parking. It's not as fascinating as SLO...people here can actually somewhat drive. They must've started off in LA. ;) After lunch I headed to Panera Break on 4th and King to go and do some work over the internet. It was suggested by Russell (who made the mistake of calling it Pandora so I couldn't find it forever) and when I got there, it was fabulous. It was my place of choice to work for the next few days really.
That evening, I took off for Stanford to go to a presentation and meet up with potential business partners. It was fun and the campus was gorgeous. We had dinner afterwards at P.F. Changs and then I headed on back up to San Francisco to stay with Gloria for the evening. She was still moving so stuff was scattered all over her room. I did some work, answered more emails, chatted with her and went to the store, hung up some curtain rods and curtains, and finally went to sleep at 4am.
Thursday: We woke up at 9am. I was so drowsy as I climbed out of bed and got back on the computer to do yet more work as Gloria got dressed and ready to go. We headed out to get some dim sum, then drove over to the 24 Hour Fitness on 2nd Street to work out and do some pilates. It felt great to work a sweat. I took my shower (with no towel mind you), and we headed over to Panera Bread to study and work. We were there for what felt like forever, but I got a lot done and she...kind of did lol. I think we are too distracting for our own good. Chris came by, then Russell stopped by, and then Kim came by to meet me. Rock climbing had been suggested, but Kim and I ended up driving down to downtown San Jose to watch the Sharks play against Vancouver. I had suggested it before, but didn't really think we'd do it. She said that she wanted to and I said okie dokie. I think we were too exhausted from the day to climb anyways. Sharks won of course with some awesome goals. There was a guy behind us who I could swear only learned three phrases in english: "Mother-Fuckers!"..."Geet it owta there!"...and "Geet it geet it!". The first phrase was repeated regularly. Lol I guess they all were. But aside from that, the experience was thrilling and kept me at the edge of my seat. It was both Kim and my first live hockey game. After it was over, I walked with Kim over to the bathroom and we bumped into none other than Ebrah. I knew he'd be there that night. I knew Russell would be there too. But I sure didn't think I'd run into either of them or anyone else I knew. It was my evening with my cousin and I had her all to myself. :) It was nice running into Ebrah though.
Friday: I woke up, showered, and went over to Panera Bread to eat and once again leach off their internet. I stayed there all day. I kept wanting to get out of there and go do something, but there was never a shortage of things for me to get done, so I just kept cranking things out. That evening I talked to Kim and she invited me out to go on the town with her, her friends, and her friend's coworkers. I was about to accept the invitation, but Ebrah finally called me back and said he'd go dancing with me, so I drove down to Fremont to do that instead. It was a wonderful time. And it's good to have my friend back. He had been gone all quarter and we all missed him dearly. Especially his fantastic dancing. The music and beers were good too.
Saturday: I woke up early to meet Ebrah at the courts in Saratoga. Just as I've been working on (and believe me, it's a hard habit to break), I was on time. On the other hand, he was very late. But considering my history of lateness, there's not really much I can say. It was another grand time. The best morning I'd had all week, although they were all good. It's pretty hard to get me down these days. I daydream about dating him. But that's all it is, a fading dream. And I guess it's alright. Like I said, it's more than wonderful to have my friend. The kid ain't perfect by any means. But he's got one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across. And that is something I can look up to. That's kind of how I am...I get inspired by the people around me. After our session I headed over to the 24 Hour that I was more familiar with off the Cottle Road exit from the 85. I did my run and used their shower (long-term membership these days are paying off lol). Then I headed down to my old place to pick up some mail and packages that had still come to the house even though I had moved out. Brian had gotten a new beautiful dog. Baby was gone and Junior still had reign of the house. He had stopped smoking to get high four months ago. Personally, I never really ever knew he was stoned when I lived there. He was still relatively with it and responsible, clean, respectful. The only times I knew for sure were when he told me so. Or I went with him to the playgrounds. Anyways, his previous habits had jacked up his memory and he thought I'd lived there 2 to 3 years ago...and that there was no way that I was a recent tenant. I had lived there only three months ago and was the most recent tenant to move out. It was an interesting conversation after that. He's a good guy. I've never regretted living there or meeting Brian. Next stop was the San Jose public library downtown. Parking was ridiculous, but well worth it. The place is beautiful. I had to get a library card to use the internet, so now I have a San Jose public library card. When they kicked me out at 6pm, I headed over to see Kimmers at her friend's place somewhere near Saratoga and Payne streets. It was short-lived before I headed back to downtown San Jose to meet up with Nate and his girlfriend Rachel to go out to San Francisco. Burmese dinner was great. I way overpaid since I ordered once dish and some people ordered three plus appetizers which I didn't really touch, and yet the bill was split evenly among all of us. If I'd known, I would've eaten more of their food! Then we went to Ghiradelli Square and ordered fancy ice creams and hot chocolates. Yuma kept leading Brian (different Brian) into wrong places I felt like. I took him to browse around the shop and we both got hot chocolate mixes. There was talk of going out, but I was so tired that I opted to head back home. I was probably out within 10 seconds of hitting the pillow that evening.
Sunday: Waking up is getting tough. Nate and I hung out and chatted in the morning until I had to head out to hit the road. Once I did, I made a detour to get gas, then somehow ended up in a mall, and then as expected, got stuck at the book store. God I love books. Most people don't know that though. If you don't know what to get me, you will always be safe with a gift card to Border or Barnes & Noble. I buy books faster than I can read them. I probably buy like 10-15 books a year...unfortunately I might get through only two that year. My shelves are stacked with good reads. Which reminds me to ask Russell for my book back...he should be finished with it (or given up on it due to lack of time) by now. After buying more books, I headed out, and headed home. SLO here I come! Jenny was home playing with Rocky when I came in the door in SLO. I took a much needed shower, cleaned up some, packed, did laundry, and relaxed for a little while with my roommate. Then I busted out one of my books and began to read. It was so relaxing. I despise the fact that I'm too busy to do something so simple these days. I was also waiting to hear back from someone I was hoping to meet up with that evening. I am wary of meeting new people this way, but he intrigued me...and that's not easy to do these days. I've had the pleasure of getting to know many wonderful, dedicated, motivated and talented people over the past few years. Anyways, I waited for a few hours and didn't hear anything after the time he said he'd be free. So I loaded up my car and headed out once again...this time to Orange County. I was slightly disappointed, but oh well. It's not like I knew him all that well anyways. Guess he missed his chance.
Monday: Well, first I arrive back home in the OC around 3:30am. That's because I took a small nap along the way. I figured I'd just crash into bed as soon as I got home, but all the lights were on when I walked into the door. And there was trash strewn everywhere on the floor and counter tops. Dishes were piled up and the dining table had food crumbs all over it. My brother was fast asleep in his room, Mom was still not home from work, and Papa was sitting on the couch just watching more tv. That bum. So I cleaned everything up and fixed up the house, emptied the fridge of milk and orange juice that had expired back in October, sent my Pa off to bed, and brought my stuff in from the car. Mom came home around 5:30am and I went to bed soon afterwards. I'm glad she didn't have to come home to such as messy house. I know it frustrates her that her husband and son don't attempt to clean the house or keep it tidy.
Anyways, I woke up at 9am, hopped out of bed and got dressed, kissed my sleepy mom goodbye in bed, and headed out to Fallbrook. It took just a little over an hour to get there. When I got to Tyler's house, I hung out playing with Cammie and his new chiweiner Oz until he got back from errands with Taylor. Then we packed up the mobile and headed out to the desert. It was great out there and I loved every minute of it. The boys said that on weekends and holidays the place is packed full with up to ten different parties per campsite. We pretty much had dozens of campsites all to ourselves. Tyler took Taylor and I for rides in the dune buggy which was exhilarating. I've never been in a real one before and the speed was so much fun! Plus it was not on a track which made it that much more thrilling. Taylor let me use his goggles, thank goodness for that. During the times that Tyler and Taylor were out for a run, I sat down and opened up my book. It was so relaxing being out there...desert as far as you can see. Just me and my book. We took out the guitar to play later and while Tyler was making us dinner, Taylor taught me how to drive the buggy. It wasn't hard, but I kept stalling because the loud engine would scare me and I kept thinking I did something wrong. Then it would stall. The boys kept telling me not to be scared of the noise. On the last attempt I was given, I finally got it to go and drove it in circles around our camp. I wish I could be a race car driver. Control behind the wheel is so much fun. We ate spaghetti and then went for a few more night runs. On Tyler and my run, the buggy ran out of juice and died on the road up to the dune. We walked back a little less than a mile and placed bets on how freaked out Taylor might be. I know I'd be way freaked out if I were left at camp and didn't know what happened to my friends. However, Tyler and I followed a light in the distance that did bring us back to camp. The partial moonlight helped us from tripping over rocks and weeds on our trek. We went to pick up the buggy, hung out by the campfire, then headed in to go to sleep.
Tuesday: Well, we woke up to pretty much do it all over again. Except we only got one or two runs out of the thing. There was something wrong with the electrical side, so we had to borrow jump cables the first time to get it up and running. But once it died, it died. We probably could have jumped it again, but we'd already given back the cables. The people we borrowed from were really nice. The man looked big and stern, but he looked so sweet trying to take pictures of his son who kept hiding his face from the camera. "Jordan, just one picture. I've got to have at least one since we came all the way out here." and "Okay Jordan, I've put it away I've put the camera away." as he looks through the lens in front of his face. The boy, Jordan Walker (or Rose) was the cutest thing. He was young, maybe in junior high? But he was a cutie pie and had an attitude like my brother, and kind of an east coast accent...though I don't know where it came from since they don't live too far away. The dad had taken his son out so his son could go riding. From the looks of it, the kid was really good. He did motorcross and rode his dirt bike back and forth across the desert in his nice racer clothes and fancy fixed up bike. When he gets famous someday, I'll say that I met him in the desert once. And I went with Tyler to get him a map of the area. :) The rest of the day with Tyler and Taylor was wonderful. They are quite funny together, and not purposefully so. On the way home we stopped by a little Mexican restaurant and passed a lot of areas where the recent Southern California wildfires reigned out of control. It was sad, but at the same time fascinating. I had been in Malibu a week before the fires there started and spread. And I hadn't come home until Thanksgiving, well after they were over. The devastation here seemed surreal to me. We dropped Taylor off and I got to meet his dog Chevy, then Tyler and I headed back to Fallbrook to pack out and clean up. Well, he did most of the cleaning up lol. I got to play with his dogs and hang out with his parents. I feel bad I should have helped out more. Then it was time to go home. I spent some time with my step-dad for a little bit, took a shower, did some work with my brother after he got home from practice, which bring me updated to right now...writing my story. It doesn't end though. Come Friday I'll be embarking on another journey once again to SLO, back home, and then to Colorado. I can't wait!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Blind
I went on a date tonight. At least, I think it was a date. Well shoot, anything can be called a date lol...so okay yea, I went on a date tonight. I've been a little out of it lately...to much time staring at code for long periods of time can make anyone a lil out of whack. At least I know what I definitely don't want to do for a living.
So I've never gone out so willingly to meet up with someone I know almost nothing about before. And I'm not sure why I did it, but in the end I'm glad that I did. The mind plays tricks on you when you have an image of something, distort it a little bit, and then either think of it too much or to little. In other words, some time later, your image becomes a little skewed. In the end, I had no idea what to expect. The first time I met him a few days ago was with a drink in hand, little to no sleep, and a line he stated as "All men are pigs." Not sure why on earth that one worked, but I guess I'm always intrigued by something different. I hurled my cookies that night, as Nate would say. Nobody knew that except perhaps Brittany who happened to be walking by since I was able to take care of myself, but I guess the world knows now. That's what you get for being friends with the bartender. Thanks Dustin. Lol.
Anyways, I must say I wasn't expecting much. I thought it'd be fun to meet up so I can do something different than studying and projects...anything different. I don't get intimidated easily because while yea I've got my eye out, I'm content single and where I'm at. Plus I've talked to big honchos before so a student is so much more casual no matter what the occasion. But strangely, sitting there in the coffee shop over peppermint mochas, I was nervous. I lost my train of thought a lot. And I felt awkward. Now for me to feel awkward does not mean that it's a bad thing. Actually, in my case it would technically mean it was a good thing...for the other person...not me lol. Why? Sounds odd I know. It kind of meant that I was conscious of what this guy thought of me. Most of the time I don't really care.
In the end, yea it was awkward first time hanging out, but I think a friendship can stem out of this at least. :) He seems like a good guy with some pretty big goals. Handsome and sweet from what I gathered. Lol but I'll keep in mind that all men are pigs. In the meantime, I've got to get back to finishing my dang projects.
So I've never gone out so willingly to meet up with someone I know almost nothing about before. And I'm not sure why I did it, but in the end I'm glad that I did. The mind plays tricks on you when you have an image of something, distort it a little bit, and then either think of it too much or to little. In other words, some time later, your image becomes a little skewed. In the end, I had no idea what to expect. The first time I met him a few days ago was with a drink in hand, little to no sleep, and a line he stated as "All men are pigs." Not sure why on earth that one worked, but I guess I'm always intrigued by something different. I hurled my cookies that night, as Nate would say. Nobody knew that except perhaps Brittany who happened to be walking by since I was able to take care of myself, but I guess the world knows now. That's what you get for being friends with the bartender. Thanks Dustin. Lol.
Anyways, I must say I wasn't expecting much. I thought it'd be fun to meet up so I can do something different than studying and projects...anything different. I don't get intimidated easily because while yea I've got my eye out, I'm content single and where I'm at. Plus I've talked to big honchos before so a student is so much more casual no matter what the occasion. But strangely, sitting there in the coffee shop over peppermint mochas, I was nervous. I lost my train of thought a lot. And I felt awkward. Now for me to feel awkward does not mean that it's a bad thing. Actually, in my case it would technically mean it was a good thing...for the other person...not me lol. Why? Sounds odd I know. It kind of meant that I was conscious of what this guy thought of me. Most of the time I don't really care.
In the end, yea it was awkward first time hanging out, but I think a friendship can stem out of this at least. :) He seems like a good guy with some pretty big goals. Handsome and sweet from what I gathered. Lol but I'll keep in mind that all men are pigs. In the meantime, I've got to get back to finishing my dang projects.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Ideas
Here are some ideas I had written down back during summer for coop events. By now, they can be ideas applied to a lot of things:
- Bowling
- Wine Tasting
- Rock Climbing
- Scavenger Hunt
- Potluck
- BBQ
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Recent Randomeness
My quick updates...more like comments...
Last weekend I went to the annual A-Town Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner. Wow there were a TON of people there. Our table went last, so all the dinner food was gone by the time we got up to get some food. :( When it came to desert time, we went last again...and the only desert that was completely gone was my apple crisp. :) That was cool, but it also means I didn't get any lol. The other pies still had a good 3/4 still there. So just to toot my own horn, that was kind of note-worthy.
"You can have an egg, or you can have a goose-laying egg" - Kyle
I've decided that MySpace annoys me to no end. I should just cancel my account and am considering it.
Aaaaah! The library has become my new home. I can't find any place with reliable internet these days. :(
I got to see Ebrah this past weekend briefly too. :) Makes me happy.
This morning I woke up and went to Erik K.'s place to watch Hacking Democracy with him and Sam for our ethics class. Then I went home and couldn't get on the internet, so I went to the Nautical Bean and I saw Sam there lol. We worked next to each other for the next like...five hours. Then I left to go home, take a shower, go to an ESC meeting and went to the library. And Guess who I saw? Sam. :) Lol. I left there eventually to go see Tyler and then came back to the library and now Erik K. is here. It's like 1am...why am I still at the library?! But yea, 300 just doesn't leave me alone either.
Last weekend I went to the annual A-Town Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner. Wow there were a TON of people there. Our table went last, so all the dinner food was gone by the time we got up to get some food. :( When it came to desert time, we went last again...and the only desert that was completely gone was my apple crisp. :) That was cool, but it also means I didn't get any lol. The other pies still had a good 3/4 still there. So just to toot my own horn, that was kind of note-worthy.
"You can have an egg, or you can have a goose-laying egg" - Kyle
I've decided that MySpace annoys me to no end. I should just cancel my account and am considering it.
Aaaaah! The library has become my new home. I can't find any place with reliable internet these days. :(
I got to see Ebrah this past weekend briefly too. :) Makes me happy.
This morning I woke up and went to Erik K.'s place to watch Hacking Democracy with him and Sam for our ethics class. Then I went home and couldn't get on the internet, so I went to the Nautical Bean and I saw Sam there lol. We worked next to each other for the next like...five hours. Then I left to go home, take a shower, go to an ESC meeting and went to the library. And Guess who I saw? Sam. :) Lol. I left there eventually to go see Tyler and then came back to the library and now Erik K. is here. It's like 1am...why am I still at the library?! But yea, 300 just doesn't leave me alone either.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Nate in SLO
So a friend came to visit me and the beautiful San Luis Obispo this past weekend (aka yesterday). It was a wonderful time. I went surfing and had meetings and homework time on Friday, cleaned the house and did more homework on Saturday, then the fun started Saturday night when Nate got into town and we drank in public, went to dinner at Mama's Meatballs, barhopped downtown, and grabbed some sunshine donuts before heading home and calling it a night.
Saturday started with a donut breakfast and some news updates from the Onion. Hanging out and catching up, walking downtown eating pizza with extra sauce and extra cheese and checking out the cool stores, going to John's birthday party on campus, hiking bishops, me getting new earrings (without studs finally), and eating dinner at Yanagi's Sushi. It was a productive day. I proceeded to fall asleep early that evening on the couch.
It was fun times. Nate, I'm still getting used to your sarcasm because I always believe it! Haha. Ah well, makes life more interesting anyways. It's no secret that I admire him a lot. He's got another girl anyways...half girl at least. Well I guess that there are a few people that I admire. And since I'm not desperate for anything, I guess I don't have a problem letting them know my thoughts, keeping them as good friends, and waiting for one to come to me. Thus I'm being half-proactive lol. Besides, once you date someone and let's say it doesn't work out...they kind of fall out of your life. But friends stay friends for however long you care about each other. And the process will go on until I'm like...I dunno...26? Then maybe I can panic a little more lol. But until then, there's no rush.
I do have my eye out though. :)
Saturday started with a donut breakfast and some news updates from the Onion. Hanging out and catching up, walking downtown eating pizza with extra sauce and extra cheese and checking out the cool stores, going to John's birthday party on campus, hiking bishops, me getting new earrings (without studs finally), and eating dinner at Yanagi's Sushi. It was a productive day. I proceeded to fall asleep early that evening on the couch.
It was fun times. Nate, I'm still getting used to your sarcasm because I always believe it! Haha. Ah well, makes life more interesting anyways. It's no secret that I admire him a lot. He's got another girl anyways...half girl at least. Well I guess that there are a few people that I admire. And since I'm not desperate for anything, I guess I don't have a problem letting them know my thoughts, keeping them as good friends, and waiting for one to come to me. Thus I'm being half-proactive lol. Besides, once you date someone and let's say it doesn't work out...they kind of fall out of your life. But friends stay friends for however long you care about each other. And the process will go on until I'm like...I dunno...26? Then maybe I can panic a little more lol. But until then, there's no rush.
I do have my eye out though. :)
Up/Down Life
My current location: In the Library
There are so many things I want to do. I kind of wish I didn't have any responsibilities and thus could just pursue...everything. I guess that doing everything I do is part of the things I want to do lol.
Anyways, it's been a great Veteran's Day weekend. It was almost like the perfectly balanced weekend. Long enough to get things done...do homework, catch up on work, run errands, send out email updates...and still have fun...go surfing, go out to eat, have friends come to town, talk on the phone.
So...you want to know the truth about me? How you see me when we meet face to face really is how I am. I try not to be two different people and I'm open enough in the beginning to be someone at first and then someone else later. But I really do a bit much more than I can handle. I need a secretary of some sort lol...seriously though I could use one. My school suffers...dearly. I did alright last year...probably even better than usual with my extracurricular activities keeping me going and going. But this year...oh my. It is not a pretty sight. That's about it though. I've got a lot of stuff outside of SLO going on, but the only thing I haven't been able to handle is my poor grades this quarter. That and putting off getting a plane ticket to Denver, Colorado for this winter meaning that I'm gonna have to pay a buttload of money for waiting til the last minute. Sigh.
I don't get mad easily. I admit to turning the living room into a mess, which I'll clean up because it annoys me too. And I think the only roommate problems I have right now is that he doesn't do any dishes or chores. Message to roommate...do your dishes please. I'll talk to him about it later.
Okay, time to write about something new.
There are so many things I want to do. I kind of wish I didn't have any responsibilities and thus could just pursue...everything. I guess that doing everything I do is part of the things I want to do lol.
Anyways, it's been a great Veteran's Day weekend. It was almost like the perfectly balanced weekend. Long enough to get things done...do homework, catch up on work, run errands, send out email updates...and still have fun...go surfing, go out to eat, have friends come to town, talk on the phone.
So...you want to know the truth about me? How you see me when we meet face to face really is how I am. I try not to be two different people and I'm open enough in the beginning to be someone at first and then someone else later. But I really do a bit much more than I can handle. I need a secretary of some sort lol...seriously though I could use one. My school suffers...dearly. I did alright last year...probably even better than usual with my extracurricular activities keeping me going and going. But this year...oh my. It is not a pretty sight. That's about it though. I've got a lot of stuff outside of SLO going on, but the only thing I haven't been able to handle is my poor grades this quarter. That and putting off getting a plane ticket to Denver, Colorado for this winter meaning that I'm gonna have to pay a buttload of money for waiting til the last minute. Sigh.
I don't get mad easily. I admit to turning the living room into a mess, which I'll clean up because it annoys me too. And I think the only roommate problems I have right now is that he doesn't do any dishes or chores. Message to roommate...do your dishes please. I'll talk to him about it later.
Okay, time to write about something new.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Once Again
As always it seems that so much has happened since my last post. School started for one. Between the time of my last post and school starting on September 17th (one week), I was in San Jose, drove down to San Luis Obispo to do some errands, pick up my Nano (green!), and watch some good tv shows with some good friends. On that same evening I found myself on the road again to Orange County where I proceeded to fall asleep promptly as soon as my head hit the pillow. I definitely don't seem to have a problem falling asleep these days...it's more of staying awake. I would love to sleep for an entire day...what a luxury. I'll treat myself to that soon enough lol. From there I spent a good 30 hours at my Dad's house cleaning and sorting through things. This was over about...two days...and then I drove back up to SLO to prepare for WoW (in which I find that all our booth stuff is locked in the hangar with a key we can't find). Fantastical isn't it? WoW happened without too much excitement out of the ordinary. It was definitely cool, but I'd done this kind of stuff for years now.
A weekend to hang out, do administrative stuff, look for housing, do some hiking and have a lot of home cooked meals (and going out to eat) with friends passed by at a decent rate...being alert and active every second of the day makes every day long and drawn out. That was just one week. Then school started and shit really hit the fan. Guess I should call it more like...ice cream. It definitely hit the fan, but it wasn't that bad. It's like life got insanely busy, but I almost enjoyed it...somewhat. It was balanced out with lunch and ice cream friend dates and dinners and a lot of just hanging out in good company.
The work I do is a lot of administrative work and management for clubs. School is tough and the classes put me to work on any free time I have...but I work with a good crowd. I found a place to live and it's gonna take some work and getting used to, but it's an improvement over time (fixer upper house...and not even mine lol).
I did go up to San Jose on a Friday afternoon and left at 6am the next day back to San Luis Obispo. SWE better love me...although they probably are shaking their heads that I went up to San Jose at all. I needed my Fish! Ah well I got to see good friends.
But enough of what I've done. My schedule is filled to the brim for the most part. Plus I got the Sun Microsystems internship which I'm way stoked about. Interestingly enough they pay me more per hour than IBM did...shweetness. I'm nervous though cause it will involve public speaking, but that's half the reason that I wanted the job...good practice.
What are my thoughts for the day? I do realize that I cannot seem to empathize with people who feel sorry for themselves and put themselves down. I just don't understand why they do it. I can empathize and feel inspired by someone who had a tough past, but is working to improve and be happy with himself (ie happy with himself and not based on what people say), but I just don't feel much of anything to someone who tells me how depressing their life and their past is. I try to help though...think of the positive things in your life. We have so much to be thankful for even when it seems everything is going wrong. I may not have a bed to sleep on, but I have a roof over my head. I may not have the mattress under me, but I've got a sleeping bag and a nice carpet. It shouldn't have to be something that you have to analyze to think over and go through, but just...there.
Anyways, it's getting late. I think I'm showing sick symptoms, but hopefully it's all just mental. I have a stuffy nose and my head is a little cloudy and my throat has gone dry, but maybe it's because my lifestyle is taking a toll on me right now. I think that once I get settled into my place that I can finally step back and breathe. Then...I'll sleep for an entire day. :)
A weekend to hang out, do administrative stuff, look for housing, do some hiking and have a lot of home cooked meals (and going out to eat) with friends passed by at a decent rate...being alert and active every second of the day makes every day long and drawn out. That was just one week. Then school started and shit really hit the fan. Guess I should call it more like...ice cream. It definitely hit the fan, but it wasn't that bad. It's like life got insanely busy, but I almost enjoyed it...somewhat. It was balanced out with lunch and ice cream friend dates and dinners and a lot of just hanging out in good company.
The work I do is a lot of administrative work and management for clubs. School is tough and the classes put me to work on any free time I have...but I work with a good crowd. I found a place to live and it's gonna take some work and getting used to, but it's an improvement over time (fixer upper house...and not even mine lol).
I did go up to San Jose on a Friday afternoon and left at 6am the next day back to San Luis Obispo. SWE better love me...although they probably are shaking their heads that I went up to San Jose at all. I needed my Fish! Ah well I got to see good friends.
But enough of what I've done. My schedule is filled to the brim for the most part. Plus I got the Sun Microsystems internship which I'm way stoked about. Interestingly enough they pay me more per hour than IBM did...shweetness. I'm nervous though cause it will involve public speaking, but that's half the reason that I wanted the job...good practice.
What are my thoughts for the day? I do realize that I cannot seem to empathize with people who feel sorry for themselves and put themselves down. I just don't understand why they do it. I can empathize and feel inspired by someone who had a tough past, but is working to improve and be happy with himself (ie happy with himself and not based on what people say), but I just don't feel much of anything to someone who tells me how depressing their life and their past is. I try to help though...think of the positive things in your life. We have so much to be thankful for even when it seems everything is going wrong. I may not have a bed to sleep on, but I have a roof over my head. I may not have the mattress under me, but I've got a sleeping bag and a nice carpet. It shouldn't have to be something that you have to analyze to think over and go through, but just...there.
Anyways, it's getting late. I think I'm showing sick symptoms, but hopefully it's all just mental. I have a stuffy nose and my head is a little cloudy and my throat has gone dry, but maybe it's because my lifestyle is taking a toll on me right now. I think that once I get settled into my place that I can finally step back and breathe. Then...I'll sleep for an entire day. :)
Monday, September 10, 2007
Homelessness
Ah to be homeless. I must say it makes time fly by faster than you can imagine. And it makes for minimal down time which can make any person go crazy. To not impose is to not over extend your stay at any one place...which makes living moment to moment a skill of communication, poise, and organization. And it also becomes a game of who you know. And you find out who your real friends are. :)
So that's been me. I've had minimal down time, and have rarely stayed in one place during the day for more than a few hours...with the exception of times of sleeping. Can't say I've got all the skills down, but I manage to get by, get things done, and have a little bit too much fun along the way. I doubt there's been a dull moment yet. A few disappointments yes, but they are expected.
But wow...how my life has taken so many changes this summer. It's definitely dividable into chapters of what I'd like to think would be an interesting book...story of my life lol. This last chapter of my summer has been the most intriguing by far. The people I knew here on internships have for the most part ended and left. Some I won't see again...but most have already gone back to SLO. That is where I need to be, but at the same time I don't want to leave this place yet...not yet.
So the last chapter begins with the beach house. At this point I have made a new group of friends that have helped shape me and learn more about myself...in a sense...the hard way lol. And I have now had my immersion into an official party person label that I need now get myself out of. You know...the kind where weekends start on Thursday and don't end until Monday morning lol. But that's because I am living moment to moment and don't have to worry about work or school. It lasted all of two weeks that I could afford lol. I added more guys to my interest list and had my first dilemma of actually liking more than one guy and not knowing which one I liked better. Hehe it was more of something fun for me. I'm leaving the area so it's not exactly like I could let myself get attached anyways...although I wouldn't let that cancel out future options lol. Anyways...
I've become really really good friends with one of the guys, almost to the extent of dating, but not really. We wouldn't work out. We're not each other's types. We don't share a lot of the same dating ideas or personality traits...although that might have been a recent change for me over the summer. But it's turned this into a unique friendship. Someone I like, but don't at the same time? Haha hmmm. Guess you can say I've very fond of my new friend. I had two friends like that in SLO...they were so close and did everything together you'd think they were dating...but they weren't and I couldn't figure out how that worked. Now I understand lol. And I love it.
As for the others, I think I've finally shifted to one. I mean, it's obvious, but for now I'm just having fun. I'm leaving the area, so I want something that will at least last with my final wave goodbye...and friendships last. So that's all I got for now.
Panda Express last week gave me a fortune that said this..."Prepare yourself for life-altering changes in your personal life". Don't think I'll be taking this little fortune cookie lightly ever...whether it came now (appropriately), or even any time in my future. My life is definitely changing constantly...and definitely never dull. :)
So that's been me. I've had minimal down time, and have rarely stayed in one place during the day for more than a few hours...with the exception of times of sleeping. Can't say I've got all the skills down, but I manage to get by, get things done, and have a little bit too much fun along the way. I doubt there's been a dull moment yet. A few disappointments yes, but they are expected.
But wow...how my life has taken so many changes this summer. It's definitely dividable into chapters of what I'd like to think would be an interesting book...story of my life lol. This last chapter of my summer has been the most intriguing by far. The people I knew here on internships have for the most part ended and left. Some I won't see again...but most have already gone back to SLO. That is where I need to be, but at the same time I don't want to leave this place yet...not yet.
So the last chapter begins with the beach house. At this point I have made a new group of friends that have helped shape me and learn more about myself...in a sense...the hard way lol. And I have now had my immersion into an official party person label that I need now get myself out of. You know...the kind where weekends start on Thursday and don't end until Monday morning lol. But that's because I am living moment to moment and don't have to worry about work or school. It lasted all of two weeks that I could afford lol. I added more guys to my interest list and had my first dilemma of actually liking more than one guy and not knowing which one I liked better. Hehe it was more of something fun for me. I'm leaving the area so it's not exactly like I could let myself get attached anyways...although I wouldn't let that cancel out future options lol. Anyways...
I've become really really good friends with one of the guys, almost to the extent of dating, but not really. We wouldn't work out. We're not each other's types. We don't share a lot of the same dating ideas or personality traits...although that might have been a recent change for me over the summer. But it's turned this into a unique friendship. Someone I like, but don't at the same time? Haha hmmm. Guess you can say I've very fond of my new friend. I had two friends like that in SLO...they were so close and did everything together you'd think they were dating...but they weren't and I couldn't figure out how that worked. Now I understand lol. And I love it.
As for the others, I think I've finally shifted to one. I mean, it's obvious, but for now I'm just having fun. I'm leaving the area, so I want something that will at least last with my final wave goodbye...and friendships last. So that's all I got for now.
Panda Express last week gave me a fortune that said this..."Prepare yourself for life-altering changes in your personal life". Don't think I'll be taking this little fortune cookie lightly ever...whether it came now (appropriately), or even any time in my future. My life is definitely changing constantly...and definitely never dull. :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Pyla
I've got two days of work left. And as I sit here, just relaxing after a work day in my office at work...playing Texas Holdem on facebook (yea I tell other people who do that they have no life lol)...I start to wonder about a lot of things. Boys...I'd just left the last dating pool of guys behind too...and thought I was done for the summer lol, til now...kinda at least.
And at this point, I'd say I matured a lot more over this summer. Learned a lot more about myself, and people in general. Learned to be content with myself and on my own. I learned how to be a better friend.
Like I've mentioned before, it's been a pretty rough summer. One to go down in the books. You can probably make a story off of it, though I have yet to see some final fantasy conclusion to my story...it just goes on, one chapter coming to a close.
How did it start out? Haha how honest do I want to be when my life holds so many other people in it. When does it become okay to come out and tell my life and not affect anyone else in a negative way...just as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow. Tell someday I guess. It's not like this little note is going to be that widespread. I get the feeling the people who read these blogs don't have a clue who I really am. But who knows...it's the internet right? Sheesh.
I was dating someone throughout last year, though I didn't know it at the time. It's not really dating, but looking back on it now, it's just easier to say so. He was cool, respectable, fun, a natural leader, intelligent, good looking...but had a side that I'd never seen before, and that was problematic because I had already trusted the side of him I did see. I won't go into describing him or the story leading up to the end further. Just jump to the end. What he wanted was purely physical...and I couldn't escape him under the circumstances that tied us together. It didn't help that a part of me liked him a bit too...the good side of him was very good. But what he wanted in the end wasn't what I wanted. I'm not that kind of girl. You hear stories of girls doing that all the time...sigh. After a final stand, and miscommunication and loss of trust between us, it was all hell from there until mid summer for me. Emails and hearing him yell...putting me down...with things that weren't always true. He is the only friend I've ever lost. And he was a very good friend at one point too. And by this time, I was more than happy to walk away. I look back on it now and am glad that cannot recall saying anything I regretted out of anger. I put my best effort into not judging others to the test. This was well supported by another good friend of mine.
Sometime after that, I was dating someone else, though I didn't know it either lol. This wasn't really a rough patch. We had a lot of fun, but maybe spent too much time hanging out in the beginning. I dunno. After the last guy, I had a paranoia of guys only wanting to be physical. I held this one at arm's length. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Anyways, that might have been what pushed him away. But it was probably better that way anyways. I don't think we would have been much compatible at this time in our lives. He'd make a good business partner, or good roommate, but that's about all I got for now.
Hehe by this point, I'd let someone get to close, and then kept someone too far.
But other than that, work itself was a pain. I won't deny it. I'm doing the same thing full time workers on my team do. I wish I had my own project. Not only that but the project deadline got pushed up by an entire year, so all formalities were thrown out the window. Nothing was documented. And my my team was too busy to really help me. I lost motivation. It went in a cycle.
I did other things this summer, met a lot of new people, built up more contacts and put on tours at IBM and Google for students and other interns.
Then my Dad passed away. It was expected...yet unexpected. I mourned and now hold him in remembrance. I wonder if I was the daughter he'd always wanted. He taught me patience and showered me with love however he could. I know this. He didn't have to tell me. There's something about having your own blood carry a terminal illness your entire life. You have an empathy that nobody else can fathom...and it spreads on others. I never really had a dad, and yet I did. I keep wondering if I would have wanted a different life. A dad to play in the park with...someone to teach me tennis and take me to the movies and threaten boys who date me lol. Anyways, I would have wanted it to be different for him. I know he would have loved all those things...and that it must've killed him to see my uncles pick me up and play with me as a kid when he couldn't. I grew up learning something more. I find myself different that other people.
Anyways, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of this. More of the administrative stuff. Although I am sad that I cannot even ask him what his favorite flower is to put on his grave, I am glad that he is no longer in pain.
And as always, I met more people this summer. How, I don't know. They just happen...almost randomly lol. A few more dates, which were wonderful by the way. Lots of surfing. Learning to skateboard (just cruise). Planning out goals. Reading.
My phone got stolen. That sucked. Still does since I lost all your phone numbers. :(
And then I make a trip to LA which makes a sub-chapter in itself. I met wonderful people there. Had a small traumatic experience...that I don't remember lol. But the friends I did know...now they're really really great friends. And the ones that I met for the first time...amazing people. I've wondered more than once how we all randomly crossed paths. And I will admit that I am more than intrigued by some. Good hearts. Genuine. Intelligent. And they make me laugh. You know, they're rare lol. Anyways, I'm more than stoked to have new friends of such sorts.
My car got broken into...that was a first in my life. It's one of those things you hear happen to everyone else, but never really think it'll happen to you. Well...it sure does suck lol. But life goes on. No need to dwell on it.
A few more goodbye parties. Being homeless in a week. Interviewing for another job. Looking for a place to live and put my stuff. Closing off with my current job. Should keep me busy for the rest of the week and until school starts lol. Life is what you make of it. Better make it good and worth your while...and enrich the lives of others along the way. :)
And at this point, I'd say I matured a lot more over this summer. Learned a lot more about myself, and people in general. Learned to be content with myself and on my own. I learned how to be a better friend.
Like I've mentioned before, it's been a pretty rough summer. One to go down in the books. You can probably make a story off of it, though I have yet to see some final fantasy conclusion to my story...it just goes on, one chapter coming to a close.
How did it start out? Haha how honest do I want to be when my life holds so many other people in it. When does it become okay to come out and tell my life and not affect anyone else in a negative way...just as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow. Tell someday I guess. It's not like this little note is going to be that widespread. I get the feeling the people who read these blogs don't have a clue who I really am. But who knows...it's the internet right? Sheesh.
I was dating someone throughout last year, though I didn't know it at the time. It's not really dating, but looking back on it now, it's just easier to say so. He was cool, respectable, fun, a natural leader, intelligent, good looking...but had a side that I'd never seen before, and that was problematic because I had already trusted the side of him I did see. I won't go into describing him or the story leading up to the end further. Just jump to the end. What he wanted was purely physical...and I couldn't escape him under the circumstances that tied us together. It didn't help that a part of me liked him a bit too...the good side of him was very good. But what he wanted in the end wasn't what I wanted. I'm not that kind of girl. You hear stories of girls doing that all the time...sigh. After a final stand, and miscommunication and loss of trust between us, it was all hell from there until mid summer for me. Emails and hearing him yell...putting me down...with things that weren't always true. He is the only friend I've ever lost. And he was a very good friend at one point too. And by this time, I was more than happy to walk away. I look back on it now and am glad that cannot recall saying anything I regretted out of anger. I put my best effort into not judging others to the test. This was well supported by another good friend of mine.
Sometime after that, I was dating someone else, though I didn't know it either lol. This wasn't really a rough patch. We had a lot of fun, but maybe spent too much time hanging out in the beginning. I dunno. After the last guy, I had a paranoia of guys only wanting to be physical. I held this one at arm's length. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Anyways, that might have been what pushed him away. But it was probably better that way anyways. I don't think we would have been much compatible at this time in our lives. He'd make a good business partner, or good roommate, but that's about all I got for now.
Hehe by this point, I'd let someone get to close, and then kept someone too far.
But other than that, work itself was a pain. I won't deny it. I'm doing the same thing full time workers on my team do. I wish I had my own project. Not only that but the project deadline got pushed up by an entire year, so all formalities were thrown out the window. Nothing was documented. And my my team was too busy to really help me. I lost motivation. It went in a cycle.
I did other things this summer, met a lot of new people, built up more contacts and put on tours at IBM and Google for students and other interns.
Then my Dad passed away. It was expected...yet unexpected. I mourned and now hold him in remembrance. I wonder if I was the daughter he'd always wanted. He taught me patience and showered me with love however he could. I know this. He didn't have to tell me. There's something about having your own blood carry a terminal illness your entire life. You have an empathy that nobody else can fathom...and it spreads on others. I never really had a dad, and yet I did. I keep wondering if I would have wanted a different life. A dad to play in the park with...someone to teach me tennis and take me to the movies and threaten boys who date me lol. Anyways, I would have wanted it to be different for him. I know he would have loved all those things...and that it must've killed him to see my uncles pick me up and play with me as a kid when he couldn't. I grew up learning something more. I find myself different that other people.
Anyways, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of this. More of the administrative stuff. Although I am sad that I cannot even ask him what his favorite flower is to put on his grave, I am glad that he is no longer in pain.
And as always, I met more people this summer. How, I don't know. They just happen...almost randomly lol. A few more dates, which were wonderful by the way. Lots of surfing. Learning to skateboard (just cruise). Planning out goals. Reading.
My phone got stolen. That sucked. Still does since I lost all your phone numbers. :(
And then I make a trip to LA which makes a sub-chapter in itself. I met wonderful people there. Had a small traumatic experience...that I don't remember lol. But the friends I did know...now they're really really great friends. And the ones that I met for the first time...amazing people. I've wondered more than once how we all randomly crossed paths. And I will admit that I am more than intrigued by some. Good hearts. Genuine. Intelligent. And they make me laugh. You know, they're rare lol. Anyways, I'm more than stoked to have new friends of such sorts.
My car got broken into...that was a first in my life. It's one of those things you hear happen to everyone else, but never really think it'll happen to you. Well...it sure does suck lol. But life goes on. No need to dwell on it.
A few more goodbye parties. Being homeless in a week. Interviewing for another job. Looking for a place to live and put my stuff. Closing off with my current job. Should keep me busy for the rest of the week and until school starts lol. Life is what you make of it. Better make it good and worth your while...and enrich the lives of others along the way. :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Dazed
I'm mellow these days. It's happened to me before. It's not so much of why I feel this way, but more of how long it will last this time. I think I'm a fairly happy person. My problem is my damn sensitivity. Naiveness. The fact that something is missing. And I know what it is.
Anyways, this feeling is rare. It's the time when I can smile and laugh and people will stop to ask me what's wrong. Nothing. Nothing is ever really wrong. Things happen...they're sometimes bad, but the best we can do is keep going right? No need to bring anyone else down especially since I know I won't be this way for long. It never lasts. Life experience has taught me that much.
These are also the times when I don't feel anything anymore. Like nothing else could go wrong and make me feel any worse. For the most part, these are the times when I've already been broken. So I can't be broken again...not until I'm fixed at least lol. My head feels like it's in a cloud...everything seems to go by smoothly. My eyes get dry and feel hallow. I talk, but only say what I need to and nothing more. My mind wanders and questions things I already know the answer to. And I don't understand why I do. It's a bizarre feeling really. It's these times when I can take off and leave...go to Italy and Australia and leave everything and everyone behind...without a word. I'll be back someday of course, but I don't need to announce my departure. I just need some time to start over new again. No drama. No hidden stories. No surprises that'll make my heart wrench or put me back in despair.
I think the reason why is because when you go somewhere new...you don't expect anything. Without expectations, you don't get so disappointed. You almost expect something to go wrong or be completely new. It's not as much of a shocking surprise. And many times, it's rather pleasant. New things tend to be so.
Anyways, I got my car window fixed on my lunch break today thanks to Jimmy and Lotus Glass. What a great deal. I also picked up a new IBM badge. While sitting in security, some contractors for IBM walked in talking to the security people like buddies. I sat patiently in the office not really paying any attention. One of them just stood in the crowd and stared at me. I continued to stare at the wall for another minute before shifting my gaze to meet his. It was rather disturbing...someone just blatantly staring at you. He was a middle aged man, and he smiled. I said hello, smiled back, and shifted back to my place at the wall. His buddies and security started up a conversation with me then. I don't think the staring man understood English. Did I really look that zoned out...sad? The conversation between us all in the small room was short. They got my story and gave me some fraud tips...offered me some pastries that they apparently get hooked up with from the back of the office before I finally received my badge and bid them a good day as they opened the door for me. Their kindness did lighten my day, even if only a little. But I will still admit I was intimidated by the staring man. I'm normally intimidated by things I don't understand or can't see myself doing.
I sit here now. Writing every half hour or so some thoughts from the day. Still dazed. Quiet my officemate says about me. I don't feel like a different person. Anyways, I'll be alright in another hour or so. I'm not really mad or anything...more sad, but that'll pass too. I can only be sad for so long since it doesn't take much to make me happy and laugh eh? Okay back to work. Then an evening hike to look forward to...
Anyways, this feeling is rare. It's the time when I can smile and laugh and people will stop to ask me what's wrong. Nothing. Nothing is ever really wrong. Things happen...they're sometimes bad, but the best we can do is keep going right? No need to bring anyone else down especially since I know I won't be this way for long. It never lasts. Life experience has taught me that much.
These are also the times when I don't feel anything anymore. Like nothing else could go wrong and make me feel any worse. For the most part, these are the times when I've already been broken. So I can't be broken again...not until I'm fixed at least lol. My head feels like it's in a cloud...everything seems to go by smoothly. My eyes get dry and feel hallow. I talk, but only say what I need to and nothing more. My mind wanders and questions things I already know the answer to. And I don't understand why I do. It's a bizarre feeling really. It's these times when I can take off and leave...go to Italy and Australia and leave everything and everyone behind...without a word. I'll be back someday of course, but I don't need to announce my departure. I just need some time to start over new again. No drama. No hidden stories. No surprises that'll make my heart wrench or put me back in despair.
I think the reason why is because when you go somewhere new...you don't expect anything. Without expectations, you don't get so disappointed. You almost expect something to go wrong or be completely new. It's not as much of a shocking surprise. And many times, it's rather pleasant. New things tend to be so.
Anyways, I got my car window fixed on my lunch break today thanks to Jimmy and Lotus Glass. What a great deal. I also picked up a new IBM badge. While sitting in security, some contractors for IBM walked in talking to the security people like buddies. I sat patiently in the office not really paying any attention. One of them just stood in the crowd and stared at me. I continued to stare at the wall for another minute before shifting my gaze to meet his. It was rather disturbing...someone just blatantly staring at you. He was a middle aged man, and he smiled. I said hello, smiled back, and shifted back to my place at the wall. His buddies and security started up a conversation with me then. I don't think the staring man understood English. Did I really look that zoned out...sad? The conversation between us all in the small room was short. They got my story and gave me some fraud tips...offered me some pastries that they apparently get hooked up with from the back of the office before I finally received my badge and bid them a good day as they opened the door for me. Their kindness did lighten my day, even if only a little. But I will still admit I was intimidated by the staring man. I'm normally intimidated by things I don't understand or can't see myself doing.
I sit here now. Writing every half hour or so some thoughts from the day. Still dazed. Quiet my officemate says about me. I don't feel like a different person. Anyways, I'll be alright in another hour or so. I'm not really mad or anything...more sad, but that'll pass too. I can only be sad for so long since it doesn't take much to make me happy and laugh eh? Okay back to work. Then an evening hike to look forward to...
Broken In
I walked out the door and it took a second to register. Something looked out of place but I took a few more steps before my bag dropped from my hand. My mind went into instant denial...no no no wake up Michelle. I just stared.
You hear of people's cars getting broken into all the time, but it really strikes home when it happens to you. My car sat there...the surfboard still intact...glass sprinkled everywhere, almost decorative. I wouldn't have been so shocked had I been in the bay area...but here in SLO?
"Did they get you too?" says a voice behind me. I turn around to face a neighbor. The police came to the scene. Juveniles he stated as he dusted my car for prints. They broke into and stole from three cars on that street.
Stupid I remember...I was so stupid. While things like iPods were stolen from the neighbors, the kids had hit jackpot with me. Intending to leave for San Jose last night, I left my purse in my car and walked into the house, where I ended up staying instead. I guess I was lucky because they could have taken so much more...but they left the surfboard, skateboard, clothes...they went through my glove compartment and threw everything around the seats. For the most part, they only took my purse...but that had everything. 'Everything' I repeated in my head. No. No not everything. I still had my phone thank God. And my camera. I had just taken those out the night before. But all my membership cards, credit cards, cash, and at least 300 dollars in gift certificates to various places.
Looking back, it's really not that bad. I don't have access to money for about a week I've found. I can't go to the bars it seems. I spent the entire day running around town getting replacement stuff and on the phone canceling this and that. But I guess it's not that bad. It's just been a rough summer. A really rough summer and this thrown into the mix just puts me in a daze. Sigh. Well I've also learned that taping up the window and driving 70 mph for three hours will drive you nuts...you end up tearing it all off in about 30 minutes I find lol. Better to be cold. I get the window replaced int the morning.
For now I'll listen to my music. It's 2am but I have it on loud so I can't hear anything else through the thin walls here in the house. It's my first night back in my own bed since last Wednesday. This place has become my home, and I move out in a week and a half. I don't know whether to be glad or sad...though I am admittedly both.
Brian just got a new puppy...such an adorable thing. I do kind of wish I could take AJ and Baby along with Fish with me when I leave...but ah the life of a student. And I'll be homeless in two weeks lol. Ah the very interesting life...of me haha. Rich and poor at the same time. Loved and yet unnoticed. Dazed and confused (lately at least). So much to be thankful for...and yet not without being humbled which has forced itself upon me. But perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Makes life more appreciative and interesting in the least.
You hear of people's cars getting broken into all the time, but it really strikes home when it happens to you. My car sat there...the surfboard still intact...glass sprinkled everywhere, almost decorative. I wouldn't have been so shocked had I been in the bay area...but here in SLO?
"Did they get you too?" says a voice behind me. I turn around to face a neighbor. The police came to the scene. Juveniles he stated as he dusted my car for prints. They broke into and stole from three cars on that street.
Stupid I remember...I was so stupid. While things like iPods were stolen from the neighbors, the kids had hit jackpot with me. Intending to leave for San Jose last night, I left my purse in my car and walked into the house, where I ended up staying instead. I guess I was lucky because they could have taken so much more...but they left the surfboard, skateboard, clothes...they went through my glove compartment and threw everything around the seats. For the most part, they only took my purse...but that had everything. 'Everything' I repeated in my head. No. No not everything. I still had my phone thank God. And my camera. I had just taken those out the night before. But all my membership cards, credit cards, cash, and at least 300 dollars in gift certificates to various places.
Looking back, it's really not that bad. I don't have access to money for about a week I've found. I can't go to the bars it seems. I spent the entire day running around town getting replacement stuff and on the phone canceling this and that. But I guess it's not that bad. It's just been a rough summer. A really rough summer and this thrown into the mix just puts me in a daze. Sigh. Well I've also learned that taping up the window and driving 70 mph for three hours will drive you nuts...you end up tearing it all off in about 30 minutes I find lol. Better to be cold. I get the window replaced int the morning.
For now I'll listen to my music. It's 2am but I have it on loud so I can't hear anything else through the thin walls here in the house. It's my first night back in my own bed since last Wednesday. This place has become my home, and I move out in a week and a half. I don't know whether to be glad or sad...though I am admittedly both.
Brian just got a new puppy...such an adorable thing. I do kind of wish I could take AJ and Baby along with Fish with me when I leave...but ah the life of a student. And I'll be homeless in two weeks lol. Ah the very interesting life...of me haha. Rich and poor at the same time. Loved and yet unnoticed. Dazed and confused (lately at least). So much to be thankful for...and yet not without being humbled which has forced itself upon me. But perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Makes life more appreciative and interesting in the least.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Looking back. Looking forward.
So. Once and again. Sometimes I think my life should be made into a book. Then I think about it and I guess everyone's life can be made into a book really.
Anyways, my own thoughts tend to wonder about things like why I write in these blogs. Do I really expect anyone to read it? Do I even want anyone to read it? It's a place where we can be honest, but how honest would I really want to be? I guess in a sense it's not a place to lie really, but there's always something untold lol. In my blogs, well...I love to write my thoughts I know that. :)
It'd be cool to write a book someday. A story to get lost in.
I want to travel. I've discovered a life beyond school and work.
Honestly, I look very forward to the day when I settle down and marry someone I love. It's not really just being in love that's going to catch me though. I believe I can love more than one. I can attest that there is one that I will always love (though not in love) even though I believe he won't be mine. And that's okay. But someone who's going somewhere in life. Loves adventure. High standards for himself. Optimistic. Makes me laugh...that's the easy part lol. Sigh...I dream of being a hopeless romantic. But I'm not stupid. I'm learning how people work. Nobody is perfect. And God knows I make mistakes. Sigh. The best I can do is to not judge. My hope is that I will not judge you because it is not my place to do so.
Until then, I am free and will be free-spirited while I can. I'm gonna travel and meet people world-wide. I'm gonna bring people together and help out those I can. Show this world love...perhaps not romantic, but everyone needs genuine kindness. I'll surf Costa Rica and climb Mt. Fuji and backpack across Europe and New Zealand. I'm gonna ride a horse across grassy plains and live. Perhaps I'm running from something...I'm really not sure. But I'm going to have fun doing it.
What I'm scared of most...a full-time job I do not enjoy and heartbreak.
Sigh, why these random thoughts? So much to think about. And I believe I just inherited an estate. Life changed once again. Sigh.
Anyways, my own thoughts tend to wonder about things like why I write in these blogs. Do I really expect anyone to read it? Do I even want anyone to read it? It's a place where we can be honest, but how honest would I really want to be? I guess in a sense it's not a place to lie really, but there's always something untold lol. In my blogs, well...I love to write my thoughts I know that. :)
It'd be cool to write a book someday. A story to get lost in.
I want to travel. I've discovered a life beyond school and work.
Honestly, I look very forward to the day when I settle down and marry someone I love. It's not really just being in love that's going to catch me though. I believe I can love more than one. I can attest that there is one that I will always love (though not in love) even though I believe he won't be mine. And that's okay. But someone who's going somewhere in life. Loves adventure. High standards for himself. Optimistic. Makes me laugh...that's the easy part lol. Sigh...I dream of being a hopeless romantic. But I'm not stupid. I'm learning how people work. Nobody is perfect. And God knows I make mistakes. Sigh. The best I can do is to not judge. My hope is that I will not judge you because it is not my place to do so.
Until then, I am free and will be free-spirited while I can. I'm gonna travel and meet people world-wide. I'm gonna bring people together and help out those I can. Show this world love...perhaps not romantic, but everyone needs genuine kindness. I'll surf Costa Rica and climb Mt. Fuji and backpack across Europe and New Zealand. I'm gonna ride a horse across grassy plains and live. Perhaps I'm running from something...I'm really not sure. But I'm going to have fun doing it.
What I'm scared of most...a full-time job I do not enjoy and heartbreak.
Sigh, why these random thoughts? So much to think about. And I believe I just inherited an estate. Life changed once again. Sigh.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Hahaha. Ha. I look back on my life and I wonder why things happen the way they do. It's like a whole life's story happened between the beginning of summer and the end. My priorities changed. My outlook changed. My lifestyle changed. But when? Why? I don't remember the transition.
Anyways I'm home right now and I've got to cater to the Mom. I love her to death but she drives me absolutely nuts with her requests, questions, and nagging. I know she means well though. It just makes me weary. Okay off to do errands...then back to work.
Anyways I'm home right now and I've got to cater to the Mom. I love her to death but she drives me absolutely nuts with her requests, questions, and nagging. I know she means well though. It just makes me weary. Okay off to do errands...then back to work.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Week of July 4th
So this is a week of up and downs...highs and lows.
So I won't lie. I like this guy. At this point it just high interest...no attachments. I think previous relationships have taught me that and I don't know if it's really a good or bad thing. I mean, obviously it's good, but it's gonna take the guy a while for me to really trust him. I dunno, everything seems to depend on the situation or the person...so nevermind. Scratch that I'm trying to describe something that can't be described in only one way. Someone said I don't give people a chance. This is true. Why some and not others...that's even a mystery to me. Sometimes I don't give perfectly legit guys a chance. Oh well. That probably goes for everyone really.
Monday 7.2.07 :
So I won't lie. I like this guy. At this point it just high interest...no attachments. I think previous relationships have taught me that and I don't know if it's really a good or bad thing. I mean, obviously it's good, but it's gonna take the guy a while for me to really trust him. I dunno, everything seems to depend on the situation or the person...so nevermind. Scratch that I'm trying to describe something that can't be described in only one way. Someone said I don't give people a chance. This is true. Why some and not others...that's even a mystery to me. Sometimes I don't give perfectly legit guys a chance. Oh well. That probably goes for everyone really.
Monday 7.2.07 :
- Work
- Plan out Alana's 21st birthday with Jimmy Du
- We plan on Gordon Bierch and then the bars in downtown SJ
- Head to dinner and realize I left my license at home!
- Tell Russell the plans and invite him to come on out
- Go home to get ID
- Come back, eat, drink, be merry
- Sing happy birthday to Alana :)
- Head over to O'Fahrety's <- I totally spelt that wrong, but it's the same bar that Emily and Kim and I hit up a few weeks before...Memorial Weekend.
- Sing happy birthday to Alana
- Tequila shots!
- Work
- Chill and talk to old friends
- Sleep
- Santa Cruz yay!
- Apotos Parade
- Seacliff Beach
- Fireworks!
- Castles, skateboards, peanut butter, and drinks with Joey
- Private Beach Party?
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Weekly Recap
So it's been a while and I'll probably do some backdating on some previous posts, but here's a quick recap since school pretty much got out around my birthday...
Thursday, 6/14 :
Thursday, 6/14 :
- IBM Coop BBQ - Which was awesome. Nathan and I won the water balloon toss. And I got to meet a lot of the coops for the first time. Became pretty good friends on that day with Alana, Jimmy and Nathan.
- Work at IBM in the morning
- Lunch with Davidson over at the Googleplex. Yay for connections. The food is good. And lunch time at google is like a gigantic party.
- Take off after lunch straight to SLO-town to keep working on moving out of the Los Cerros House
- Do a lot of moving and cleaning in SLO, go out and meet some friends downtown at night, then go hang out at Russell's apartment with his roommates and drink Pina Colatas <- I can't spell I know.
- Sleep in until about 1:30pm <- omg!
- Do some moving work to storage
- 3pm - Lunch with Tyler and Dustin at Nucci's
- More moving
- 8:30pm - Drive up to San Jose - Now the intention was to be up in SF for my birthday...which fell through because even though I could have pulled it off with my good friends, by that time I was beyond pooped after a day of moving and driving, so I decided to just call it a night at my place.
- 1:30am - Russell comes over and we celebrate over a few beers and stories :)
- 10:30am - Shopping at Oakridge. Who woulda thought that colors were so important? Bought my new longboard to cruise around on. I sucked at boarding at this point lol. And go figure it's called the NorCal...didn't live that one down so well lol.
- Cancel all my birthday plans to just kick back and relax with Kim. We made beef stroganoff for lunch and went for a longboard ride around the neighborhood.
- Got ready and met Gloria up in SF for a birthday dinner.
- Dinner at Osha's with Gloria, Kim, and Russell.
- Got lost in San Francisco and crossed a bridge...oops.
- Dropped off Gloria and Kim.
- Couldn't find Steve in Downtown San Jose.
- 12:30am - Ran out of gas looking for Steve. Did some car pushing. Got some random help from some gansta looking kids. Some guy almost hit my car in the lot with his truck to stop and ask us for a light. <- shady!
- 1:30am - Skateboarded around downtown SJ looking for an open gas station...no luck.
- 2:30am - AAA saved us.
- 3:00am - Got home safely. Poor Russ crashing at my place had to get ready before his first day of work in...five hours lol.
- 4:30am - Finally got to sleep.
- Work at IBM...late
- Dinner with Russ
- 11pm - Took a joy ride around town to charge a car battery lol.
- Coop dinner after work with Alana, Samuel, Nathan, Jimmy, Huy (from Poly), and another person I didn't know...at BJ's.
- IBM Beer & Banter - Hung out with anyone and everyone. One of the last to be lounging around.
- Busted out the longboard in the IBM parking lot.
- Got tricked into a date by a coworker lol. But the dinner food was good.
- Staying late for deadlines kept me from going surfing after work.
- Went shopping at Valley Faire with Jimmy Du
- Got my favorite ice cream mix at Coldstones
- Drove to Santa Cruz to hang out and hit up a bar
- Surfing with Kim and Russell in Capitola. It sucked because the waves were rather non-existent...think lake water. But I caught a two footer or so. Eh. I still love the ocean anyways.
- Dinner in downtown SC at Vallarta's with Kimmers and Russ.
- My foot's been hurting all day. Oh, that's why, there's a piece of glass stuck in there!
- Movie: Evan Almighty
- Drive to SLO
- Clean out Russell's apartment.
- Clean out my house.
- Dinner with random friends in SLO...Darcie and Annie yay!
- Drive back to Santa Cruz...late.
- Work sucks right now.
- Take a cruise around town to Starbucks as my destination on my longboard.
- Go through hell day because of work stress and old housing issues going on in SLO. I was called unreasonable for not being able to just take the next day (tomorrow) off on a whim. I work full-time! + a deadline.
- Go through more headache and heartache after work over all this housing crap.
- Go to Safeway to pick up a ton of food for my Good Belly Food Party on Wednesday. Wow that cost a lot lol. But it'll be worth it. :)
- 12-2am - Do food preparation for the party...mostly cutting up all the food.
- Good Belly Food Party! Lots of people, good food. :)
- Dinner: Sweet n Sour Pork, Rice, Beef Dish, Grilled Potatoes
- Dessert: Apple Crisp and Ice Cream!
- Drinks: Wines, juices, sodas and beers
- Everyone stayed longer than I expected and it was so much fun. Thanks for coming everyone!!! You made my entire week. :D
- Take another cruise around town to my Starbucks destination.
- In good company. Watched America's Sweethearts (it's eh okay). Did a lot of laundry.
- Sigh, I got stood up for a movie which I had turned down other plans for, but it's alright. Probably my fault for not finding out sooner.
- Went to downtown Mountain View. Cute little street. We watched a pretty violent bar fight. Nobody got hurt though.
- I'm dating? I never know how this relations stuff works anymore. I feel like I've made my mistakes and learned from them, been taken advantage of before, had flings (didn't think they were at the time though). I don't want drama...I just want to have fun with the people I care about. And it feels good to have someone you care about. :)
- Slept in.
- Lunch with Kimmers.
- Drive to San Francisco to check out the Golden Gate Park. No archery today cause the place was closed (despite the sign that says open Mon - Sat...that's silly). But we had fun and checked the place out...bison, fields, ducks, polo field, fitness trail, interesting paths that look like they lead somewhere...
- Sugar low...I'm asleep so fast in the car ride home.
- Eat a lot back at Kim's house.
- Meet Russell at Adobe, check out the place (uh, way awesome) office and game room.
- Get frustrated with night plans and who's doing what.
- Walk around being silly on the streets of Downtown SJ.
- Fahrenheit Lounge
- Haha sardines!
- Homemade pancakes for breakfast on the patio.
- Hang out with Gloria at Santana Row and grab some food in downtown San Jose.
- Take a five hour nap.
- Write this recap.
- I'm going to sleep again now. :) See ya!
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Ticks
Whew, I thought I had found a tick in my belly button, but after some examination I discovered it to merely be a case of belly button lint. Hehe.
Food Cravings?
I'm sitting in bed supposedly doing "work"...but I have this craving for some totally unhealthy junk food. Good thing I'm too lazy to go out of the house to actually get some lol.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Meetings in SLO
What a fun day. I woke up this morning to start working from home, then took a shower and cut my bangs (yea...smart move to do a cut right before a meeting eh? lol), and headed out to meet up with Donna at 11am. I ran into Dan on the way across campus which was nice as always. I arrived at my destination after getting a little lost and she came out to greet me in a comfy pair of pants and over sized sweater. Hehe I thought it was great that she could come to work in whatever she wanted. We took a walk to campus market to get some drinks and chat, and sat down in the shade on the way back to the office. It was a really pleasant time. I feel like if I had been at the interview (instead of over the phone), I would have totally been in the Ambassador program. But this meeting, which I had no expectations (or ideas on why it was happening really in the first place) turn out to open a few more doors for me. Donna asked me to get involved in different ways and that we'd brainstorm a few ways in the mean time...a position that I wouldn't have to interview for, as she said.
After that I stopped by the CSC office to meet with Cindy and Diane for banquet and coop questions to be taken care of. Then it was on to grabbing a bean and rice burrito and heading up to the SDL to do some work. I ran into a lot of people including Bobby who decided to join me upstairs. I was so tired though, so through all the noise in the room, I was able to take a half hour nap until Kendra called me. We talked for a few minutes and then she came up to join me in the SDL where we talked and laughed at a lot of things. Russell called me and he came up to join us too around the time that Bobby took off for class. Russ was looking a bit gloomy...I hope he's alright. And I was still half asleep, out of words, talking slow, and talking gibberish. Kendra just laughed at me. Then Paul met us upstairs and we all headed out...Kendra downstairs and the rest of us to the IEEE room where I finally got to meet Davidson from Google. We met up with the IEEE guys and went to chat outside on Dexter Lawn. I had thought that Davidson was cool and easy to work with over email...he is way cooler in person. I was very impressed with him and Google.
After the meeting Russell and I grabbed some grub up at the Avenue. I can't wait until everyone starts moving up to the bay for their coops and internships. I hung out in the SWE office for some down time to unwind after such a high energy day, then met up with Tyler for some on campus food with Cameron. We ran into Danielle on the way and detoured to take a look at the architecture projects. Then we met up with Cameron and Steven at Garden Grille and ate some more grub (not me cause I already ate), and told stories before heading out. Oh yea, Danielle also cough/laughed and spilled her water all over herself. That was the highlight of the evening lol.
Then it was off to pick up some apples from the market and go over to Tyler's house to make some apple crisp. I had a small change of plans and met Kendra at my house after the market instead. We talked about life and boys and took a look at dresses to wear for the banquet on Friday. Good thing I was indecisive and brought quite a few of them back with me from San Jose! So after talking to Kendra, and then chatting with Andrew, I headed back over to Tyler's to watch Bend it Like Beckham with Erica and bake apple crisp with Tyler. What a fun evening! What a fun day!
After that I stopped by the CSC office to meet with Cindy and Diane for banquet and coop questions to be taken care of. Then it was on to grabbing a bean and rice burrito and heading up to the SDL to do some work. I ran into a lot of people including Bobby who decided to join me upstairs. I was so tired though, so through all the noise in the room, I was able to take a half hour nap until Kendra called me. We talked for a few minutes and then she came up to join me in the SDL where we talked and laughed at a lot of things. Russell called me and he came up to join us too around the time that Bobby took off for class. Russ was looking a bit gloomy...I hope he's alright. And I was still half asleep, out of words, talking slow, and talking gibberish. Kendra just laughed at me. Then Paul met us upstairs and we all headed out...Kendra downstairs and the rest of us to the IEEE room where I finally got to meet Davidson from Google. We met up with the IEEE guys and went to chat outside on Dexter Lawn. I had thought that Davidson was cool and easy to work with over email...he is way cooler in person. I was very impressed with him and Google.
After the meeting Russell and I grabbed some grub up at the Avenue. I can't wait until everyone starts moving up to the bay for their coops and internships. I hung out in the SWE office for some down time to unwind after such a high energy day, then met up with Tyler for some on campus food with Cameron. We ran into Danielle on the way and detoured to take a look at the architecture projects. Then we met up with Cameron and Steven at Garden Grille and ate some more grub (not me cause I already ate), and told stories before heading out. Oh yea, Danielle also cough/laughed and spilled her water all over herself. That was the highlight of the evening lol.
Then it was off to pick up some apples from the market and go over to Tyler's house to make some apple crisp. I had a small change of plans and met Kendra at my house after the market instead. We talked about life and boys and took a look at dresses to wear for the banquet on Friday. Good thing I was indecisive and brought quite a few of them back with me from San Jose! So after talking to Kendra, and then chatting with Andrew, I headed back over to Tyler's to watch Bend it Like Beckham with Erica and bake apple crisp with Tyler. What a fun evening! What a fun day!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Sunday Church
I went to the main service of Jubilee today. Wow it's huge. And there were floods of people. I walked in as an usher looked at me wondering how many I was with and I held up my fingers for...one. They passed me one usher to another until someone said here's a seat for you. I looked at it for a second..."Reserved." He smiled at me and walked away.
The service was a lot of announcements for a lot of events, and a gospel-like worship. I wasn't really feeling it since it was so big...too big to really feel intimate with God really. But the message was still good. The pastor instilled the message right into your heart.
Something I learned about love. Three things:
Haha I talked to Sabrina this afternoon cause she's in town. And again I got a "what is there to do around here?" I had to laugh because I don't know why people keep asking me that when they're the ones from around here. Anyways, now I'm just kickin back. I'm thinking of pulling up Invisible Children on my computer, thanks to Megan who sent me a letter saying she's gonna head to Uganda for a few weeks because the movie changed her life. What a great cause...I assume...I still have to see the movie lol.
The service was a lot of announcements for a lot of events, and a gospel-like worship. I wasn't really feeling it since it was so big...too big to really feel intimate with God really. But the message was still good. The pastor instilled the message right into your heart.
Something I learned about love. Three things:
- Sacrifice. You sacrifice for the ones you truly love.
- Service. You tell them you love them, and show them. Don't assume they "just know."
- Courage. You can't love someone out of fear, or it'll turn into something bad.
Haha I talked to Sabrina this afternoon cause she's in town. And again I got a "what is there to do around here?" I had to laugh because I don't know why people keep asking me that when they're the ones from around here. Anyways, now I'm just kickin back. I'm thinking of pulling up Invisible Children on my computer, thanks to Megan who sent me a letter saying she's gonna head to Uganda for a few weeks because the movie changed her life. What a great cause...I assume...I still have to see the movie lol.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Pirates!
So today was the special IBM showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. They had rented out eight movie screens at ACM Saratoga. So with everyone at my house (Kim, Emily, Brian, Erik, and me), we all headed out in Brian's SUV (Emily's sister met us at the theater). It was really fun. Brian is cool, and Erik's adorable. He just turned 19 a few weeks ago lol...quite a young one. Lots of talk and chatter in the car, as if we'd all known each other for a long time (even though everyone else had just met each other, except for me).
Now I thought the movie was really good. It wasn't what I expected, but it was still great in my books. Can't say everyone else says the same. I'm not a very critical person though lol. "Nobody move! I think I dropped my brain!" Jack Sparrow was my favorite character by far. Although I'm wishing that the pirate fashion (on Mr. William turner) should come back into style because it's so...hot. ;)
We grabbed some lunch back near home with Kim, Emily, and Erik, and we took off while Erik was saying hi to a friend (we'd waited, but he was taking too long). But...he called me to say bye after he found us gone, and that said that we would grab food at a nicer place next time. That was nice. What a sweet kid. Then it was back to the house to relax, do some computer work, and shoot some pool.
Now I thought the movie was really good. It wasn't what I expected, but it was still great in my books. Can't say everyone else says the same. I'm not a very critical person though lol. "Nobody move! I think I dropped my brain!" Jack Sparrow was my favorite character by far. Although I'm wishing that the pirate fashion (on Mr. William turner) should come back into style because it's so...hot. ;)
We grabbed some lunch back near home with Kim, Emily, and Erik, and we took off while Erik was saying hi to a friend (we'd waited, but he was taking too long). But...he called me to say bye after he found us gone, and that said that we would grab food at a nicer place next time. That was nice. What a sweet kid. Then it was back to the house to relax, do some computer work, and shoot some pool.
Week Recap
So pretty much a week has gone by. And I'm adjusting fine. Days are busy from start to end...from not being able to get off my sleeping spot on the floor in the morning, to falling asleep on the floor at night with my laptop still open and the lights still on haha. This new life keeps me busy...but it's not better than what I had. It doesn't even come close.
I drove back up to San Jose on Tuesday morning straight to work and stayed in the office until 2:30am that day. I got all my stuff set up though...dual monitors, pictures, wires and cables, snacks, etc. I had a meeting with my manager and I asked about getting more training or shadowing on the job. It's been put into action, so this I am glad of. I'm finally starting to understand what on earth I'm doing...a month later. Funny thing is that after my meeting, my manager asked to speak with me, but we kept missing each other...so she finally sent me an email instead. She knew that times were tough for me and she thought she'd noticed a black eye on me during our small meeting. I assured her that I have not been physically harmed. That was odd though. I know I haven't been sleeping well...so maybe it shows?
Wednesday was a relatively normal day at work. Thursday was too. And Friday I worked from home because they told me to (nobody was in the office that day). But after work is when things got fun.
On Wednesday, I stopped by the Starbucks intending to grab a coffee to keep me awake for the evening, and to ask my new friend Erik if he'd like to go to see Pirates with me on Saturday. The funniest thing though. While I was standing around I ran into someone else, Ryan, who worked there and he was nice...older I could tell. A small conversation started and turns out he just moved to the area too from the east coast, so he wanted to hang out sometime and asked to exchange numbers. Wow that was fast from a two minute conversation. I won't lie I was surprised. But it's flattering I guess. I took a seat and Erik started talking to me from behind the counters. I followed the conversation and asked him if he'd like to come with us to the movies and he said sure! Haha that made my day. I already have a diverse group of new friends. It's kind of nice because he's still so young...just turned 19 lol. And don't laugh at me, he's just my new buddy. I'm over boy drama, so I'm not gonna be looking for anyone for a while.
Anyways I left and headed up to Jubilee where I walked in and people on staff still remembered me. I sat in on the service and worship. It was good...a very powerful message put into conversation that youth can understand and follow. Lots of stories and examples, and chances for exciting opportunities. I practically wanted to jump up and volunteer to go. It's interesting to me how the worship band plays like it's a rock concert. Not that it's the music that surprised me, but the center of attention and applause, etc. It's great and they do a wonderful job and wow those kids are talented, but it takes away from the purpose of God being the main spotlight on stage. Though, this is just me so it could be different for everyone else. It's not place to judge anyways. I stayed and talked and played a silly fun game with some of the older kids afterwards before heading out. I picked up my uncle from Cisco on my way out and headed back to his house for dinner with the family. Pho...mmm...homemade. Kim and I hung out but I was pooped so I feel asleep pretty fast that night.
On Thursday, I met up with Megan and we went to go shopping and see Shrek the Third at the Oakridge Mall. We bought a buncho candy over at Target and smuggled it all into the theater. Ahaha it was the best idea and worst idea ever. Candy is great. But on the other hand, candy is not so great! Haha...ah the health nut in me...who'da thought? The movie was pretty good. I actually liked it better than the first two.
Friday was checking out another bible study called GRX over in Saratoga. I left early since Kim and Emily were coming down after work to visit me down in South San Jose. They said it felt foreign to them since they never come around here...even though they live only a half hour away lol. We went to Downtown San Jose to grab dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory and walk around. Some parts of downtown were really pretty (including the area around Adobe, Russell I'm so jealous! Lol). The girls were very indecisive and kept asking me what to do. I had to laugh at this because I'm not the one from the bay area! We checked out some place for dancing which I don't have a problem saying it sucked. And finally ended up at a pub. The girls ordered beers and I got my water (DD) and we took a table. Ah, here's the story element. A guy approached us using his buddy as an excuse to talk to us. It was obvious. He said that he wanted us to go over to his buddy and take pictures with him so there would be proof that his buddy came downtown. Um, it's my camera lol. We said if they were so bold, to come over and sit at our table. So they did. Average looking at first, but they grew on you. The first one, Shawn (Shaun?), was well...wasted. I never really tried to hold a conversation with him. Emily tried though. The second one was not, and so he sat next to me and we talked and played some games of quarters (well, more like pennies and nickels on tall pint glasses lol). When I got them in he'd drink it all though haha. I admit, he was cool. You could tell that this isn't what he normally does...more like just a drink after work. Well, that's the impression I was getting anyways.
Two kickers that night. They wanted to guess my age...not a day over 20 they said. I raised my eyebrows and they said 19? I looked at them and said hello I'm in a pub. Haha. Second kicker...I asked Mike what he did for a living and he responded that he didn't want to bore me. I egged it out of him and he said that he was a computer engineer and was working at...Cisco. Oh. my. gosh. Ahaha that's probably the least boring topic brought up all night. Wow I'm such a nerd. But I did a lot with Cisco this year. Ebrah's gonna work there. My uncle works there. I wanted to work there doing hands on networking. And shoot, a normal everyday computer engineer sitting right next to me. Kim and Emily told me later to stop taking all the normal engineers haha. Anyways yea we talked and it was cool. A while later his buddy was gonna pass out so he called a cab and dragged Mike out the door. I could have asked for his number, but like I said I'm not looking...so I didn't. I think he wanted to ask also, since he kept hesitating when his friend pulled on his arm to catch the taxi sitting outside, but I didn't say anything and his buddy had his arm. So they left. And that's it. Interesting evening.
I drove back up to San Jose on Tuesday morning straight to work and stayed in the office until 2:30am that day. I got all my stuff set up though...dual monitors, pictures, wires and cables, snacks, etc. I had a meeting with my manager and I asked about getting more training or shadowing on the job. It's been put into action, so this I am glad of. I'm finally starting to understand what on earth I'm doing...a month later. Funny thing is that after my meeting, my manager asked to speak with me, but we kept missing each other...so she finally sent me an email instead. She knew that times were tough for me and she thought she'd noticed a black eye on me during our small meeting. I assured her that I have not been physically harmed. That was odd though. I know I haven't been sleeping well...so maybe it shows?
Wednesday was a relatively normal day at work. Thursday was too. And Friday I worked from home because they told me to (nobody was in the office that day). But after work is when things got fun.
On Wednesday, I stopped by the Starbucks intending to grab a coffee to keep me awake for the evening, and to ask my new friend Erik if he'd like to go to see Pirates with me on Saturday. The funniest thing though. While I was standing around I ran into someone else, Ryan, who worked there and he was nice...older I could tell. A small conversation started and turns out he just moved to the area too from the east coast, so he wanted to hang out sometime and asked to exchange numbers. Wow that was fast from a two minute conversation. I won't lie I was surprised. But it's flattering I guess. I took a seat and Erik started talking to me from behind the counters. I followed the conversation and asked him if he'd like to come with us to the movies and he said sure! Haha that made my day. I already have a diverse group of new friends. It's kind of nice because he's still so young...just turned 19 lol. And don't laugh at me, he's just my new buddy. I'm over boy drama, so I'm not gonna be looking for anyone for a while.
Anyways I left and headed up to Jubilee where I walked in and people on staff still remembered me. I sat in on the service and worship. It was good...a very powerful message put into conversation that youth can understand and follow. Lots of stories and examples, and chances for exciting opportunities. I practically wanted to jump up and volunteer to go. It's interesting to me how the worship band plays like it's a rock concert. Not that it's the music that surprised me, but the center of attention and applause, etc. It's great and they do a wonderful job and wow those kids are talented, but it takes away from the purpose of God being the main spotlight on stage. Though, this is just me so it could be different for everyone else. It's not place to judge anyways. I stayed and talked and played a silly fun game with some of the older kids afterwards before heading out. I picked up my uncle from Cisco on my way out and headed back to his house for dinner with the family. Pho...mmm...homemade. Kim and I hung out but I was pooped so I feel asleep pretty fast that night.
On Thursday, I met up with Megan and we went to go shopping and see Shrek the Third at the Oakridge Mall. We bought a buncho candy over at Target and smuggled it all into the theater. Ahaha it was the best idea and worst idea ever. Candy is great. But on the other hand, candy is not so great! Haha...ah the health nut in me...who'da thought? The movie was pretty good. I actually liked it better than the first two.
Friday was checking out another bible study called GRX over in Saratoga. I left early since Kim and Emily were coming down after work to visit me down in South San Jose. They said it felt foreign to them since they never come around here...even though they live only a half hour away lol. We went to Downtown San Jose to grab dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory and walk around. Some parts of downtown were really pretty (including the area around Adobe, Russell I'm so jealous! Lol). The girls were very indecisive and kept asking me what to do. I had to laugh at this because I'm not the one from the bay area! We checked out some place for dancing which I don't have a problem saying it sucked. And finally ended up at a pub. The girls ordered beers and I got my water (DD) and we took a table. Ah, here's the story element. A guy approached us using his buddy as an excuse to talk to us. It was obvious. He said that he wanted us to go over to his buddy and take pictures with him so there would be proof that his buddy came downtown. Um, it's my camera lol. We said if they were so bold, to come over and sit at our table. So they did. Average looking at first, but they grew on you. The first one, Shawn (Shaun?), was well...wasted. I never really tried to hold a conversation with him. Emily tried though. The second one was not, and so he sat next to me and we talked and played some games of quarters (well, more like pennies and nickels on tall pint glasses lol). When I got them in he'd drink it all though haha. I admit, he was cool. You could tell that this isn't what he normally does...more like just a drink after work. Well, that's the impression I was getting anyways.
Two kickers that night. They wanted to guess my age...not a day over 20 they said. I raised my eyebrows and they said 19? I looked at them and said hello I'm in a pub. Haha. Second kicker...I asked Mike what he did for a living and he responded that he didn't want to bore me. I egged it out of him and he said that he was a computer engineer and was working at...Cisco. Oh. my. gosh. Ahaha that's probably the least boring topic brought up all night. Wow I'm such a nerd. But I did a lot with Cisco this year. Ebrah's gonna work there. My uncle works there. I wanted to work there doing hands on networking. And shoot, a normal everyday computer engineer sitting right next to me. Kim and Emily told me later to stop taking all the normal engineers haha. Anyways yea we talked and it was cool. A while later his buddy was gonna pass out so he called a cab and dragged Mike out the door. I could have asked for his number, but like I said I'm not looking...so I didn't. I think he wanted to ask also, since he kept hesitating when his friend pulled on his arm to catch the taxi sitting outside, but I didn't say anything and his buddy had his arm. So they left. And that's it. Interesting evening.
Monday, May 21, 2007
IBM Remote and Hikes
So I couldn't get up in the morning because of feeling horrible (which doesn't normally happen much)...whether it was because I was down or coming down with something I couldn't tell. I received permission to work remotely and started my work.
In the afternoon I went to campus to get some stuff done. On a whim I filed to be part of the CSC Fee Committee for next year. Interesting. I turned in a lot of paperwork, worked out some more Banquet stuff, then raced home to grab my bike to bike back to school for a hike that Erik had put on and Tyler called me about. All the usuals for our weekly hikes would be there...except Camron (we missed you!), and we added a few more, including Kara! Yay! I got to see her afterall. We hiked up past the horses and up a mountain then down a non-existent path into Poly Canyon. It was so pretty. This is why I love SLO. It's glorious and so beautiful. God really shines to me in this town. He leaves reminders of his presence...everywhere, I feel.
In the afternoon I went to campus to get some stuff done. On a whim I filed to be part of the CSC Fee Committee for next year. Interesting. I turned in a lot of paperwork, worked out some more Banquet stuff, then raced home to grab my bike to bike back to school for a hike that Erik had put on and Tyler called me about. All the usuals for our weekly hikes would be there...except Camron (we missed you!), and we added a few more, including Kara! Yay! I got to see her afterall. We hiked up past the horses and up a mountain then down a non-existent path into Poly Canyon. It was so pretty. This is why I love SLO. It's glorious and so beautiful. God really shines to me in this town. He leaves reminders of his presence...everywhere, I feel.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Sunday Church
Church was this morning and I was surprised to see Erik there. I thought he'd still be out of town rafting the Kings. I can see how he sees now though, and it's sad if he's feeling how I think he feels..like me. I think he's just tired of it all...weary. I never hurt him, but it's been a burden I'm sure just to put up with such an off beat friendship. Sometimes we were more than friends, like still dating...and others I was like a stranger. I can see it being hard. And if he feels like I do towards this other side, I just don't really care to care anymore. I want to, but it's hard and draining. I tried one last time to make things right between another friend.
The cliff note version...we talked and I asked for the source of the problem. I was told a story hesitantly because he didn't want to get anyone else involved. I was shocked, taken back, and relieved all at the same time. It was a lot of he said she said that had been misinterpreted and I even had a witness at the time of this conflict to say that I did not (and would not) do such a thing. The gossip was not true, although I won't lie I think I made a comment on being uncomfortable at the time (which ended that conversation and prompted a new one), which might have been taken more seriously than intended. But I was not lying. I really was uncomfortable. Anyways, even though I feel kind of more at peace, I still hurt...really bad...from everything...still. That sucked.
But the day went by and I took things as they came. It unfolded into something better. A friend joined me at the LCM BBQ for lunch and to talks some business issues for a club. And then I went home, chatted with the roommates, then went upstairs to get things done. I brought ice cream to a friend and watched some rafting on the discovery channel and then headed over to visit Tyler and meet his friend Taylor who was visiting SLO for the week. We talked, laughed, sang, laughed some more, drank juice and then I went home and went to sleep. I was feeling better, but I was still down. Does this feeling never go away?
The cliff note version...we talked and I asked for the source of the problem. I was told a story hesitantly because he didn't want to get anyone else involved. I was shocked, taken back, and relieved all at the same time. It was a lot of he said she said that had been misinterpreted and I even had a witness at the time of this conflict to say that I did not (and would not) do such a thing. The gossip was not true, although I won't lie I think I made a comment on being uncomfortable at the time (which ended that conversation and prompted a new one), which might have been taken more seriously than intended. But I was not lying. I really was uncomfortable. Anyways, even though I feel kind of more at peace, I still hurt...really bad...from everything...still. That sucked.
But the day went by and I took things as they came. It unfolded into something better. A friend joined me at the LCM BBQ for lunch and to talks some business issues for a club. And then I went home, chatted with the roommates, then went upstairs to get things done. I brought ice cream to a friend and watched some rafting on the discovery channel and then headed over to visit Tyler and meet his friend Taylor who was visiting SLO for the week. We talked, laughed, sang, laughed some more, drank juice and then I went home and went to sleep. I was feeling better, but I was still down. Does this feeling never go away?
Kate's 21st
Woo hoo for Kate's 21st birthday downtown! I love how happy she gets lol. And she had very good friends taking care of her. I must say I missed my dancing buddy though. But the girls know how to dance it up yaya. Woodstocks for pizza afterwards.
Turns out that Eric and Jordan were downtown too. And Russell, who went to a Pink and Black party that Sabrina and I guess I decided not to go to lol. Missed em all downtown though, but it's okay. Nothing eventful happened directly to me that evening, which although it makes it more interesting, was actually a nice evening break.
Turns out that Eric and Jordan were downtown too. And Russell, who went to a Pink and Black party that Sabrina and I guess I decided not to go to lol. Missed em all downtown though, but it's okay. Nothing eventful happened directly to me that evening, which although it makes it more interesting, was actually a nice evening break.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Matt and John in SLO
Mateo was in SLO-town today with his new roommate John. This was most of the reason why I came back home to SLO. It was really great to see him and catch up on things from home. We had breakfast at Nautical Bean with Cristy, and walked downtown for a while (where both the boys bought new skate/long boards). Then came back home and hiked up Bishop's Peak with Andrewsky, took showers, and went out to dinner at Mondeo's with Sabrina. It really was a lot of fun. I admit that this weekend wasn't the best weekend though because my emotions are all over the place. I tried to just keep it distant and listen to what the boys wanted to do and make it happen and fun. I was rather mellowed out really. During the showers, I received something that put me over the edge. Not so much in anger, but it hurt...really bad. I couldn't look at anyone. Matt was worried over what was wrong, but I wouldn't speak. I needed to be alone, but I didn't want to be alone at the same time. I wanted to hurt something, but knew I couldn't so I wanted to hurt myself. But it's sad really...I can't hurt myself even because I don't want to hurt other people...and being logical, doing anything to myself is going to hurt and affect those around me as well. So I just sat there doing nothing, inwardly imploding my anger and hurt and letting it all out in just a few tears. And the bible...that helped. Sabrina came up to talk to me and I wouldn't talk much. I couldn't. I'm not here to turn anyone against anyone and here I am holding it all in. She stayed until she was sure I was alright, then we all went out to eat and I apologized for my spontaneous mellowness. And I moved on.
Sigh. It was so nice to have Matt and John in town...Sabrina too. And I couldn't even enjoy it much because of I guess...me. Gosh hurting hurts. But why? Why am I being put through this. Does God really want me to? Does he think I can really survive this? I'm not as strong as Jesus. I feel the breaking point and I'm worried. But I'll be alright. It'll pass right? The beautiful thing about time. Matt was trying to be funny and silly to cheer me up. It really did, but not much on the outside. I hope he knows that I appreciated it. A wonderful friend to do that when he doesn't even know what's going on.
Anyways, after dinner, the boys and I watched Bad Boys II up in my room to kill time before their friend called them cause she was in SLO too. When she did, they left, and then left back for the OC afterwards that same night. I think they got in at about 3am...craziness.
Sigh. It was so nice to have Matt and John in town...Sabrina too. And I couldn't even enjoy it much because of I guess...me. Gosh hurting hurts. But why? Why am I being put through this. Does God really want me to? Does he think I can really survive this? I'm not as strong as Jesus. I feel the breaking point and I'm worried. But I'll be alright. It'll pass right? The beautiful thing about time. Matt was trying to be funny and silly to cheer me up. It really did, but not much on the outside. I hope he knows that I appreciated it. A wonderful friend to do that when he doesn't even know what's going on.
Anyways, after dinner, the boys and I watched Bad Boys II up in my room to kill time before their friend called them cause she was in SLO too. When she did, they left, and then left back for the OC afterwards that same night. I think they got in at about 3am...craziness.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Enchantments
So what can I be thankful for this time? I came home and hung out and lied back in my bed with my arms spread out and eyes staring at the ceiling. It felt good to be back in SLO. The SWE Spring Fling Dance called Engineering Enchantment was tonight. I just hung out and got ready for the evening rather methodically...more of for something to keep me busy rather than getting really excited for the evening. I was waiting for Sabrina to get home so I could hang and go out with her that evening. I decided to give my style a different look too so I picked up my curling iron and tried the impossible...to give my hair curls...or waves...anything of some sort lol. It worked actually. I found out the key was to do it before my hair dried straight. It's not very style-able after that point. Sabrina would come up and down the stairs with an outfit or something to talk about so when I heard a knock on my door I just yelled "Come in!" above the noise of my air blowing curling iron without even looking at the door. The door opened and it was someone I didn't expect. I didn't say a word as a piece of paper and a certificate was handed to me. I looked at them, then up again, as I put them slowly on the ground. I received a look before the person left and the door closed. I had the curling iron in my hand and I wasn't even aware of it. I was just looking sadly at the paper and certificate. A minute passed and I returned to what I was doing, trying to think of other things instead. I heard another knock on the door and I gave a hesitant "Come in." Sabrina opened the door and came in with a few outfits for me to give opinions on. She looked at me and I tried to smile. This wasn't the best time for me.
I had tried. I had felt like I put myself on the line. And in the end I had just hung myself up to dry. Nothing was coming out good anymore. I'd written a letter in hopes of setting things right, apologizing and explaining situations without receiving any back in return. I was putting myself in a situation that wouldn't be advised because if I was the one to give in...put myself lower, the other person might think that he's all right and did nothing wrong...when really he did too. But I figured I'd do it if it set things right. It'd be worth it. I still cared. But in the end it was nothing...for nothing. I was going to be judged anyways. Things weren't going to get better, and I was still going to hurt. I was still going to have to hurt. I've been told things I hope to never hear again. But maybe I can see why my words were provocative. Maybe it was my mistake to say anything at all...
Anyways, Sabrina and I went to the Madonna Inn. We danced, took silly pictures, ate cake, and talked to a lotta people. I wasn't feeling it much though. I sat and stared at pictures of old friends on my camera. Some girls dragged me from the table onto the dance floor. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't because I was driving. I wanted to drink myself to sleep.
We went home and I've been in a zone. That kind of buzzing zone where things are wrong and you're not alright, but there's nothing you can do about it, so you go to this zone...a temporary nothingness. I took two shots of tequila to put me out and took my normal spot on the couch when I drink and zone, and because I don't have any sheets on my bed in my room. I'll be out soon, very soon.
I had tried. I had felt like I put myself on the line. And in the end I had just hung myself up to dry. Nothing was coming out good anymore. I'd written a letter in hopes of setting things right, apologizing and explaining situations without receiving any back in return. I was putting myself in a situation that wouldn't be advised because if I was the one to give in...put myself lower, the other person might think that he's all right and did nothing wrong...when really he did too. But I figured I'd do it if it set things right. It'd be worth it. I still cared. But in the end it was nothing...for nothing. I was going to be judged anyways. Things weren't going to get better, and I was still going to hurt. I was still going to have to hurt. I've been told things I hope to never hear again. But maybe I can see why my words were provocative. Maybe it was my mistake to say anything at all...
Anyways, Sabrina and I went to the Madonna Inn. We danced, took silly pictures, ate cake, and talked to a lotta people. I wasn't feeling it much though. I sat and stared at pictures of old friends on my camera. Some girls dragged me from the table onto the dance floor. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't because I was driving. I wanted to drink myself to sleep.
We went home and I've been in a zone. That kind of buzzing zone where things are wrong and you're not alright, but there's nothing you can do about it, so you go to this zone...a temporary nothingness. I took two shots of tequila to put me out and took my normal spot on the couch when I drink and zone, and because I don't have any sheets on my bed in my room. I'll be out soon, very soon.
Ambassador Interview
I just had a phone interview for the ceng ambassadors...I'm still jittery. I wish that they had called at an earlier time like Wednesday before the sky fell down on me. I had my moments where I didn't know what to say (which is normally alright), but I stuttered or made some hmm and um sounds that weren't necessary. It was easy only talking to Elyse the whole time, but I knew that there were a lot of other people in the room just listening to my voice. I wish they could have met me in person, although I do know of some of them who know me already...how well I don't really know. I'm thinking back now on other interviews I've sat in on or given and I'm trying to think of what I liked and didn't like about them...like what was it that made me go yes! after it was over, or hmm, not too sure about that person.
I really hope that I get it, especially now that ACM pulled one on me and exempted me from the elections so I couldn't even run. I was really hoping to see it grow. But maybe it happened for a reason. I'm actually pretty okay with it for now. I have a good position in SWE, and I can invest my other time elsewhere. There's so much to do! Too much to get involved with! You can't try something new if you don't let the old things go...even if they were your life. Wow, so philosophical. I guess I should take my own words on other parts of my life too eh? Sigh, life...it's so hard.
I really hope that I get it, especially now that ACM pulled one on me and exempted me from the elections so I couldn't even run. I was really hoping to see it grow. But maybe it happened for a reason. I'm actually pretty okay with it for now. I have a good position in SWE, and I can invest my other time elsewhere. There's so much to do! Too much to get involved with! You can't try something new if you don't let the old things go...even if they were your life. Wow, so philosophical. I guess I should take my own words on other parts of my life too eh? Sigh, life...it's so hard.
Hey Dad
"I stopped by to see Jackson this afternoon. When I walked into his room, Jackson's eyes were open and he appeared to be looking right at me. As I approached him, I noticed his eyes did not focus on me. While his eyes were open, Jackson was not aware of my presence."
Where are you Daddy? Where did you go to? Are you going to come back to me soon?
Where are you Daddy? Where did you go to? Are you going to come back to me soon?
Thursday, May 17, 2007
How to be a better person
How to be a better person.
1. Know that bad things happen...all the time.
2. Recognize your faults and flaws
3. Be honest with yourself and others...if you messed up, suck up your pride and admit to it
4. Don't be prideful
5. Don't respect anyone less because they hurt you
6. That person who just makes you crumble inside with frustration...love them anyways.
7. Think of all the good things you have to be thankful for.
That's all I got for now. I'll elaborate on them more later and compare them to my own lifestyle.
1. Know that bad things happen...all the time.
2. Recognize your faults and flaws
3. Be honest with yourself and others...if you messed up, suck up your pride and admit to it
4. Don't be prideful
5. Don't respect anyone less because they hurt you
6. That person who just makes you crumble inside with frustration...love them anyways.
7. Think of all the good things you have to be thankful for.
That's all I got for now. I'll elaborate on them more later and compare them to my own lifestyle.
High highs and Low lows
Can I trade this life in now for something else? A little piece of heaven maybe? I've decided that I'm over it. That I'm doomed if I do and if I don't.
It was a good day in a sense that I got two more companies officially on board for the ACM Banquet. They called, they paid, we're all happy. I talked to people today and it was good talks. I was keeping busy, in a good mood, and now all the sudden I may have more plans than I want to have lol. There's potential for Hawaii, skydiving, special movie showing, slo trips, visiting my dad, visiting sabrina, ACM Banquet, Google meetings, hanging out with Megan, my new roommate, my cousin, and Gloria, and friends from home coming up to visit me in SLO.
Of course, nothing is ever all good. I really am in one of those states right now where one thing seems to go wrong after another, and I'm getting numb to it really. Just accept it and move on with life. But I won't lie it affects me still and hits me hard at times.
Apparently ACM created new bylaws that I wasn't aware of and it hindered me from running in the officer elections for next year. Yea, it's not that I didn't get elected, I can't even run. I tried to plea my part, but they said no. That's crap, because I was so busy doing...well what do you know...things for ACM. It's been eating into my time and abilities at IBM...and I'm not going to let it do that anymore. In a sense, I just care less.
On another note, I had a friend who I cared for very much, and still do actually. But it was to a point where I'd be happy to see him and I felt like he'd turn something I said against me and accuse me of things...and yea the happy feeling left me. This seemed to happen over and over. I had already genuinely apologized for my mistakes. Yea, I did make mistakes, although they were never intentional, and never meant to hurt. But anyways, all those times he would call me things were bringing me down...way down...give me a gun so I can shoot myself down. I decided that I didn't want to feel so low anymore, and he'd been mentioning in our previous conversations that we shouldn't be friends or that he didn't know why we should be friends, so I went to him and finally told him there's nothing left in our friendship. I couldn't take it anymore. That was probably mistake number two. It is true yes, but considering I'm normally one to see things as how they can be, it wasn't necessarily the right thing to do, even though it seems like it is. I don't like painful situations, but I'd rather sit through them and work them out than walk away. Anyways, he's definitely ignoring me now, and I'm still being called stupid names. Great. The worst thing is that I don't care that we lead separate lives. But I still care that he's being different to me. When I said not friends anymore, I wasn't going to treat him different...we just weren't going to hang out like friends. I'm not going to respect him any less. After all this time I still don't have anything against him. Galatians tells me I shouldn't, and I agree. I made a mistake. He did too. But I can't be the only one to forgive. Or well...I guess I can. But I won't lie, this feeling sucks.
Dad's still in a coma-like state. I wish he'd wake up soon. I want to tell him I love him one more time again before he goes to heaven. I hope he'll be happy there and he'll remember me. For him, anything is better than what he's been though. I don't want him to remember his humanly state though, just his love for me. If he can go through that, then I can go through all this crap right now too...and turn out alright.
It was a good day in a sense that I got two more companies officially on board for the ACM Banquet. They called, they paid, we're all happy. I talked to people today and it was good talks. I was keeping busy, in a good mood, and now all the sudden I may have more plans than I want to have lol. There's potential for Hawaii, skydiving, special movie showing, slo trips, visiting my dad, visiting sabrina, ACM Banquet, Google meetings, hanging out with Megan, my new roommate, my cousin, and Gloria, and friends from home coming up to visit me in SLO.
Of course, nothing is ever all good. I really am in one of those states right now where one thing seems to go wrong after another, and I'm getting numb to it really. Just accept it and move on with life. But I won't lie it affects me still and hits me hard at times.
Apparently ACM created new bylaws that I wasn't aware of and it hindered me from running in the officer elections for next year. Yea, it's not that I didn't get elected, I can't even run. I tried to plea my part, but they said no. That's crap, because I was so busy doing...well what do you know...things for ACM. It's been eating into my time and abilities at IBM...and I'm not going to let it do that anymore. In a sense, I just care less.
On another note, I had a friend who I cared for very much, and still do actually. But it was to a point where I'd be happy to see him and I felt like he'd turn something I said against me and accuse me of things...and yea the happy feeling left me. This seemed to happen over and over. I had already genuinely apologized for my mistakes. Yea, I did make mistakes, although they were never intentional, and never meant to hurt. But anyways, all those times he would call me things were bringing me down...way down...give me a gun so I can shoot myself down. I decided that I didn't want to feel so low anymore, and he'd been mentioning in our previous conversations that we shouldn't be friends or that he didn't know why we should be friends, so I went to him and finally told him there's nothing left in our friendship. I couldn't take it anymore. That was probably mistake number two. It is true yes, but considering I'm normally one to see things as how they can be, it wasn't necessarily the right thing to do, even though it seems like it is. I don't like painful situations, but I'd rather sit through them and work them out than walk away. Anyways, he's definitely ignoring me now, and I'm still being called stupid names. Great. The worst thing is that I don't care that we lead separate lives. But I still care that he's being different to me. When I said not friends anymore, I wasn't going to treat him different...we just weren't going to hang out like friends. I'm not going to respect him any less. After all this time I still don't have anything against him. Galatians tells me I shouldn't, and I agree. I made a mistake. He did too. But I can't be the only one to forgive. Or well...I guess I can. But I won't lie, this feeling sucks.
Dad's still in a coma-like state. I wish he'd wake up soon. I want to tell him I love him one more time again before he goes to heaven. I hope he'll be happy there and he'll remember me. For him, anything is better than what he's been though. I don't want him to remember his humanly state though, just his love for me. If he can go through that, then I can go through all this crap right now too...and turn out alright.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My Daddy's Love
I had a dream that woke me up crying this morning. It was so touching. I was heartbroken. And it felt like I went through an entire night, but I know the dream only lasted 9 minutes because it was after I pressed my snooze button on my phone alarm. Time is so precious. Maybe that's what heaven's like...being in a dream forever.
My brother was there. It was at my dad's house back in Hacienda Heights. I was happy. A little stressed as usual trying to put on an event for a lot of kids. We had fish bowls out like my fish bowl for Fish Lee. We had been following instructions to grow this beautiful plant right before our eyes. It was green and redish with red flowers. The part that wasn't a flower looked more like grass. It was small like one of those underwater plants.
So a kid got everything together, and we all stood around as he added the last thing...water. We watched the plant grow right before our eyes to full bloom. It was like being in a fairy tale. So beautiful...we've witnessed a miracle.
Some time had passed and the event was over. I was still at my dad's house in the master bedroom in which the bed was gone, and there was framed art hanging from the ceiling. I stayed and leaned back on a couple pillows on the floor. There were fish bowls around me to be taken out and cleaned. I watched with my brother as my uncles decided on what to do with my dad. How he was sick, but if they could even keep him conscious for four more months, it would be worth anything. It was like I didn't have any feelings throughout watching this and I just nodded not really caring. I walked out to put the pillows away and saw my dad sitting in the dining area in a chair next to the sliding glass doors. He smiled at me and said hi michelle. I just smiled back and held up the pillows in question to where they were supposed to go. An older man politely directed me out passed the sliding glass doors and into the backyard. Here I saw why my dad was waiting in the dining room for me. It was beautiful. The backyard lights were on, dimly. I could see the remnants of a neighbor's party in a house beyond the fence. But the pool was shimmering. A table was set. Music was playing softly. I even remember the song. It's an old song. I don't remember the words now, and I don't know what it's called. The old man pointed to a chair and I looked at it. I just stared at all the beautiful setting, which wasn't really beautiful with dirty backyard furniture, but it was so beautiful to me. I saw my dad smiling at me through the glass doors and I knew. And I cried.
Lately in real life, all the events with my dad has made me rather numb. I felt bad, but it didn't affect me anymore as much. And rather sadly, this was because I was starting to care a little less. We only get hurt when we care. But even though I was caring about him less, he was still caring about me a lot. In my dream he'd woken up from his coma induced state and even though he only had a little time left he had wanted to do something special for me. Give me a place to relax and give me peace in that back yard. Set up something that wasn't beautiful physically, but was so beautiful mentally because it was so thoughtful. And I had been caring less over the past few months. But that was what he wanted for me the whole time and during the small time he was awake still. The sad thing is that I know that's how he is in real life. I know he would do even more.
People come visit him pretty often, and then they leave. When I visit, he holds me there like he never wants to let me go. I know he's tired but he doesn't want to sleep because he doesn't want me to leave. He holds my hand and we try to talk or communicate as best as we can. And when I finally do leave, I see his face get sad. He holds my hand and says a prayer. And then he lets me go with a little wave and a smile. I normally leave, and then I come back to check on him again...he doesn't know that I'm watching. Sometimes he tries to sleep. But most of the time I see him cry, unable to get up, unable to follow me and go with me. My heart can't take this anymore. I leave.
In my dream, I knew that even though I was in a state where I was caring less. His love never ceased. So much like Christ. And even though it's right in front of our faces, it hits you to realize how much you've been loved this whole time...even if you knew it and didn't realize it at the same time. And this love...it's the real love...God's perfect love. The kind I've been trying to pursue, but it is hard, so hard. It requires letting go some things you love most...for them. It's holding in all the times people have wronged you and said bad things...and then letting it diminish...and caring for them anyways. You have the option to not care, and thus not get hurt, but it's chosing to care. I sat in that chair in the back yard over looking the pool and the fence. I felt my inner peace and relaxation. My dad couldn't sit with me, but I knew he was watching over me through the sliding glass doors.
When I woke up, I wanted him back. I wanted a dad who was never sick. I wanted a father's love, to be felt and held and...gosh everything. Sometimes I feel like God has robbed me of so much, and has robbed my dad of even more. I don't understand. He was a good man. He is a good man. i don't want to see my dad cry anymore. How could I have been so careless over the past few months...
My brother was there. It was at my dad's house back in Hacienda Heights. I was happy. A little stressed as usual trying to put on an event for a lot of kids. We had fish bowls out like my fish bowl for Fish Lee. We had been following instructions to grow this beautiful plant right before our eyes. It was green and redish with red flowers. The part that wasn't a flower looked more like grass. It was small like one of those underwater plants.
So a kid got everything together, and we all stood around as he added the last thing...water. We watched the plant grow right before our eyes to full bloom. It was like being in a fairy tale. So beautiful...we've witnessed a miracle.
Some time had passed and the event was over. I was still at my dad's house in the master bedroom in which the bed was gone, and there was framed art hanging from the ceiling. I stayed and leaned back on a couple pillows on the floor. There were fish bowls around me to be taken out and cleaned. I watched with my brother as my uncles decided on what to do with my dad. How he was sick, but if they could even keep him conscious for four more months, it would be worth anything. It was like I didn't have any feelings throughout watching this and I just nodded not really caring. I walked out to put the pillows away and saw my dad sitting in the dining area in a chair next to the sliding glass doors. He smiled at me and said hi michelle. I just smiled back and held up the pillows in question to where they were supposed to go. An older man politely directed me out passed the sliding glass doors and into the backyard. Here I saw why my dad was waiting in the dining room for me. It was beautiful. The backyard lights were on, dimly. I could see the remnants of a neighbor's party in a house beyond the fence. But the pool was shimmering. A table was set. Music was playing softly. I even remember the song. It's an old song. I don't remember the words now, and I don't know what it's called. The old man pointed to a chair and I looked at it. I just stared at all the beautiful setting, which wasn't really beautiful with dirty backyard furniture, but it was so beautiful to me. I saw my dad smiling at me through the glass doors and I knew. And I cried.
Lately in real life, all the events with my dad has made me rather numb. I felt bad, but it didn't affect me anymore as much. And rather sadly, this was because I was starting to care a little less. We only get hurt when we care. But even though I was caring about him less, he was still caring about me a lot. In my dream he'd woken up from his coma induced state and even though he only had a little time left he had wanted to do something special for me. Give me a place to relax and give me peace in that back yard. Set up something that wasn't beautiful physically, but was so beautiful mentally because it was so thoughtful. And I had been caring less over the past few months. But that was what he wanted for me the whole time and during the small time he was awake still. The sad thing is that I know that's how he is in real life. I know he would do even more.
People come visit him pretty often, and then they leave. When I visit, he holds me there like he never wants to let me go. I know he's tired but he doesn't want to sleep because he doesn't want me to leave. He holds my hand and we try to talk or communicate as best as we can. And when I finally do leave, I see his face get sad. He holds my hand and says a prayer. And then he lets me go with a little wave and a smile. I normally leave, and then I come back to check on him again...he doesn't know that I'm watching. Sometimes he tries to sleep. But most of the time I see him cry, unable to get up, unable to follow me and go with me. My heart can't take this anymore. I leave.
In my dream, I knew that even though I was in a state where I was caring less. His love never ceased. So much like Christ. And even though it's right in front of our faces, it hits you to realize how much you've been loved this whole time...even if you knew it and didn't realize it at the same time. And this love...it's the real love...God's perfect love. The kind I've been trying to pursue, but it is hard, so hard. It requires letting go some things you love most...for them. It's holding in all the times people have wronged you and said bad things...and then letting it diminish...and caring for them anyways. You have the option to not care, and thus not get hurt, but it's chosing to care. I sat in that chair in the back yard over looking the pool and the fence. I felt my inner peace and relaxation. My dad couldn't sit with me, but I knew he was watching over me through the sliding glass doors.
When I woke up, I wanted him back. I wanted a dad who was never sick. I wanted a father's love, to be felt and held and...gosh everything. Sometimes I feel like God has robbed me of so much, and has robbed my dad of even more. I don't understand. He was a good man. He is a good man. i don't want to see my dad cry anymore. How could I have been so careless over the past few months...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Pass Already
I've been told that I don't see things as they are. Unfortunately for me, they are wrong and I see things clearly and they look very bleak at this time. Well, I guess that some of it is through a fog. But either way, I like to think that I can see things as how they can be. Gives me something to look forward to I guess.
And it's not easy all the time. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with my distance from everything I know. Part of the reason I left was to distance myself from it all, but it's not easy from my end. Sleeping on floors, working all day instead of being outside, coming home to emptiness, nobody to make plans with, nothing to look forward to except work the next day...I'm having a hard time seeing the things I should be appreciating. I know there's a lot. I guess I can give it a try...
Going to Starbucks to talk to my new friend that works there. He takes takes time to chat with me every once in a while which is nice because we don't even really know each other lol. Well...even though I sleep on the floor, I have a room, and a house. And even though the cats are attached to me and follow me everywhere...at least the like me and make me laugh. I have a job that maybe I'll like a lot more after I get my paycheck. I have a lot of friends here that I should take the initiative to do things with, but just haven't yet. I have a window office, which some people who have been working here for years don't even have. I have God and my bible which comforts me every night I fall asleep feeling so alone. I have access once again to my gym of choice which isn't too far away. I live near nice neighborhoods, hillsides, and lakes. I have a car that works, pictures of my best friends around me, two arms, two legs, I can see, and I have ears to listen to music when I work. Wonderful friends from home and home home who talk to me when I want someone to talk to. And this bag of chips that is keeping me from starving right now lol. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.
Hopefully the loneliness and missing home and thecomforts and friendships there will pass. Soon.
And it's not easy all the time. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with my distance from everything I know. Part of the reason I left was to distance myself from it all, but it's not easy from my end. Sleeping on floors, working all day instead of being outside, coming home to emptiness, nobody to make plans with, nothing to look forward to except work the next day...I'm having a hard time seeing the things I should be appreciating. I know there's a lot. I guess I can give it a try...
Going to Starbucks to talk to my new friend that works there. He takes takes time to chat with me every once in a while which is nice because we don't even really know each other lol. Well...even though I sleep on the floor, I have a room, and a house. And even though the cats are attached to me and follow me everywhere...at least the like me and make me laugh. I have a job that maybe I'll like a lot more after I get my paycheck. I have a lot of friends here that I should take the initiative to do things with, but just haven't yet. I have a window office, which some people who have been working here for years don't even have. I have God and my bible which comforts me every night I fall asleep feeling so alone. I have access once again to my gym of choice which isn't too far away. I live near nice neighborhoods, hillsides, and lakes. I have a car that works, pictures of my best friends around me, two arms, two legs, I can see, and I have ears to listen to music when I work. Wonderful friends from home and home home who talk to me when I want someone to talk to. And this bag of chips that is keeping me from starving right now lol. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.
Hopefully the loneliness and missing home and thecomforts and friendships there will pass. Soon.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Insights on Relationships
Here's something on relationships. Some of it is love, others are infatuation. I'm sure that we can distinguish between the two.
1. The relationship happens suddenly, after meeting once or twice.
No, I'm not normally attracted to someone until I know them somewhat well (ie they're pretty much my friends). I might like someone, but that's about it. This falls under infatuation.
2. You think of the other person as well as yourself.
A healthy relationship definitely needs this. You don't want to think of your partner as less than you. Unfortunately for me, I normally think of the other person as higher than me...I should work on that.
3. You continue to grow as independent human beings, while the relationship becomes stronger and deeper.
This is key to a good relationship. I'll be happy when this happens...mostly in a sense that this is something I can definitely work on, and am working towards. Of course, it's hard to put it in practice without a relationship to practice it in lol.
4. You depend on your partner to feel good about yourself.
I know I need to work on this because I sometimes do this even with people I'm not in an actual relationship with. It's like PJ said, you need to love yourself before you can really love other people.
5. The relationship develops slowly, naturally and sincerely.
Yea, that was my mistake (although I didn't think I wanted more than to just be growing...somewhere...I'm a quality time type of person). We're young. Don't rush things.
6. One of you may have more to get from the relationship than to give to it.
Don't think I'll ever have this problem. It's my nature to give no matter if I get anything or not.
7. There is honesty and trust between you.
This is obviously necessary. There needs to be honest communication and you need to trust that the other person isn't cheating on you when he hangs out with other people (that'll just make you paranoid...but it's hard with all that stuff going on these days).
8. One of you may become jealous of the other's activities or friends.
Definitely infatuation. I struggle with this sometimes, whether I'm in a relationship with another person, or not. This ties into not loving my own self enough.
9. The relationship is usually based on physical attraction.
Haha yea well that helps. I like to think that I like the personality and soul of a person a lot better. It is that, that affects me.
10. Both of you can accept the fact that neither is perfect.
Already done. We go into it knowing that we're not perfect. No, I don't like to put myself in painful situations like someone might think. But they're inevitable because...we're not perfect. Everyone gets thrown into them. You can either run away, or stand your ground and work it out.
11. Each of you continues in other parts of your life: family, work, ideas, and other friends...
Yes, this is part of growing as individuals, as well as growing. When both of you are growing, then it is easier to grow somewhere together. All this stuff becomes intertwined after a while...same friends, work style, etc.
12. The relationship remains as strong in painful, difficult times as in happy times.
I would say that in some cases, it actually has. Unfortunately, I have some attachment issues that I was not aware of in my first relationship, so yea the painful times were rather many. Now I've realized that mistake, and am waiting for a second chance that...unfortunately I may never get. So that part is painful in itself. I never really got to put anything into practice, and I'm still sitting in this old mushpot of old bad feelings because...there's nothing I can do. I don't have a chance to move forward. I only have a chance to run away instead...which sadly it seems I might have to do.
1. The relationship happens suddenly, after meeting once or twice.
No, I'm not normally attracted to someone until I know them somewhat well (ie they're pretty much my friends). I might like someone, but that's about it. This falls under infatuation.
2. You think of the other person as well as yourself.
A healthy relationship definitely needs this. You don't want to think of your partner as less than you. Unfortunately for me, I normally think of the other person as higher than me...I should work on that.
3. You continue to grow as independent human beings, while the relationship becomes stronger and deeper.
This is key to a good relationship. I'll be happy when this happens...mostly in a sense that this is something I can definitely work on, and am working towards. Of course, it's hard to put it in practice without a relationship to practice it in lol.
4. You depend on your partner to feel good about yourself.
I know I need to work on this because I sometimes do this even with people I'm not in an actual relationship with. It's like PJ said, you need to love yourself before you can really love other people.
5. The relationship develops slowly, naturally and sincerely.
Yea, that was my mistake (although I didn't think I wanted more than to just be growing...somewhere...I'm a quality time type of person). We're young. Don't rush things.
6. One of you may have more to get from the relationship than to give to it.
Don't think I'll ever have this problem. It's my nature to give no matter if I get anything or not.
7. There is honesty and trust between you.
This is obviously necessary. There needs to be honest communication and you need to trust that the other person isn't cheating on you when he hangs out with other people (that'll just make you paranoid...but it's hard with all that stuff going on these days).
8. One of you may become jealous of the other's activities or friends.
Definitely infatuation. I struggle with this sometimes, whether I'm in a relationship with another person, or not. This ties into not loving my own self enough.
9. The relationship is usually based on physical attraction.
Haha yea well that helps. I like to think that I like the personality and soul of a person a lot better. It is that, that affects me.
10. Both of you can accept the fact that neither is perfect.
Already done. We go into it knowing that we're not perfect. No, I don't like to put myself in painful situations like someone might think. But they're inevitable because...we're not perfect. Everyone gets thrown into them. You can either run away, or stand your ground and work it out.
11. Each of you continues in other parts of your life: family, work, ideas, and other friends...
Yes, this is part of growing as individuals, as well as growing. When both of you are growing, then it is easier to grow somewhere together. All this stuff becomes intertwined after a while...same friends, work style, etc.
12. The relationship remains as strong in painful, difficult times as in happy times.
I would say that in some cases, it actually has. Unfortunately, I have some attachment issues that I was not aware of in my first relationship, so yea the painful times were rather many. Now I've realized that mistake, and am waiting for a second chance that...unfortunately I may never get. So that part is painful in itself. I never really got to put anything into practice, and I'm still sitting in this old mushpot of old bad feelings because...there's nothing I can do. I don't have a chance to move forward. I only have a chance to run away instead...which sadly it seems I might have to do.
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