Bible Study

It was the best evening I've felt in a long time. Until a few hours ago. But up until then, everything was great...more than great. Haha to most of the students at LCM, it almost like I never left. They've still been seeing me on weekends and Tuesday nights. I'm sure that's how PJ feels too. We always do a big goodbye...and then I'm back. It was unexpected, but I'm here. I considered letting the "miss you" sink in...but why would I want to be missed if I can be there? I miss them too lol. It won't last anyways. I've got to plant my feet in the ground up in San Jose, and it's not going to happen if I keep coming down here...but for now I have my reasons.

People were surprised to see me when I walked in the house for dinner. Patti and Marc make such great food...I should learn from them lol. We ate, talked, and played some frisbee outside. I had asked for suggestions, but nobody knew how to make the cats stop following me around the house up in San Jose. Bible study was good. I wonder if it's an example right then and there that "sex sells". I didn't know what the topic was going to be for this quarter until I had already made a commitment to come every week (I had no excuse not to since I didn't have classes this quarter lol). But just looking around, I'm sure there are other people like me, but also it could be that the topic is intriguing enough for more people to come. It's kind of a voodoo topic, so I can see why it's intriguing. Whether being in a small group with Ebrah is a good thing or not I don't know lol. I am glad though.

Worship was great. I felt Him ya know? I was deliriously happy for no reason at all. I know Peter loves me and Tyler does too and I was loving everyone in that room, separately, individually thinking and praying for them, looking at their faces as they close their eyes and look to God. Peter's homily was a very good reminder. And Tyler said an open prayer for me that made me feel more blessed than I deserve (if that can even be!). I wasn't hurt by anyone or anything. I was just...happy.

I stayed afterwards to talk random things to other people. Erik and Tyler left, and I didn't go out with them. I just said bye, and was surprised a few minutes later that I didn't say anything more to Ebrah then just okay see ya bye. No conversations or nothing. And I was glad. I'm taking that step forward...sometimes take a half step back, but at least I'm going somewhere. After a while I decided to leave, and then decided to wait for Jeff so that I could say hi. He was talking to PJ. I wanted to run up and give him a big ole hug around his neck. But I thought better otherwise and said "Hey!" instead. I gave him a ride home and we put his bike in the back seat of my car. It was nice being with him again.

As of now, a few hours later, I'm in more of a state of confusion. I wanted to run and go to my safe house...but I have to learn that that's not it anymore, so I plopped myself down on my bed and sang songs to make the hurt go away. It worked while I sang, but I couldn't sing to myself all night. So I unpacked some clothing and went out to run. I just ran...faster than I normally do...harder than I normally would until my body hurt and couldn't breathe and then turned around and ran back home. I don't understand what's going on. I was so happy, and in ten minutes I was brought back down from the clouds and flung into the ground. I'm tired of this. I'm ready to move on and not look back anymore.

I was thinking of something someone once told me...that I liked to put myself in situations where I get hurt. Now I don't really believe that. The situations tend to happen in areas that used to be healing. I could run away. I don't have a problem walking away most of the time. But I guess that growing up, I'm used to being in situations that I can't run away from. Drastically life changing situations that will tear me apart...and there's nothing I can do except deal with it...immerse myself in it and try to make it better. There are some situations that I just can't run away from. So I don't, and I hurt, and I deal. I've carried this with me all my life. So when a problem arises, it's not my first thought to just jump out of the dirty water. I make it clean, then move on if I need to. That's what I kind of did in high school. I was stuck between drama and had friends that talked crap about my other friends. I was tired of it. But I tried to do what I could, made more solid bonds between people and myself, and when I left for college, I never really looked back. Seems like I have that opportunity again. Anyways, I've done a lot of growing this half-quarter. The water is cleaner, but not yet clean. I'm thinking I'm gonna jump out anyways. I've tried. It's not working. I'm going to have to leave some things behind unhealed and not taken care of. I remember PJ mentioning once that you can't tie up all your loose ends. But this is the pond of important loose ends. I'm getting to abstract now lol. It's okay if you don't understand.