Respect

It came to me tonight on the drive home from the school library. 2:30am. I was touched by my study buddy's attempt to make me feel better without bringing anything up. It was good that way. I didn't want to talk about it...I shouldn't talk about it. He walked back over to my car to give me a hug goodnight.

Respect. I mean it in the most humble of ways.

I've been driving with my guard down lately. It's been raining and the streets have been shiny at night from the street light glares. My thoughts seep in and suck me in until something brings me back to the road and real life. I try not to think of how things should be. How despite everyone around me and all the love I get and everything I have "going for me", I feel so alone.

Let me elaborate on my thoughts. I was speaking to someone over dinner one night about how for some reason, I don't seem to like people who give me too much attention right off the bat. I don't know why. I guess it depends on the person? But still, it seemed to be somewhat of a trend I've seen in my life. And I couldn't figure out why...I mean, what girl doesn't like attention? Okay okay, I know some don't, but it is somewhat flattering. But it hasn't been much more than that. And now it makes sense...kinda.

I like people that I can respect and look up to. I trust those people. That's why I like boys with big hearts who put themselves out on a limb to help other people...it's not always easy to give. I like those who fill leadership rolls. They tend to be confident, mature, and relatively selfless. It's a plus if they have the same religious outlook as I do...and can dance. :)

All this time I've been down on my knees pleading that I wouldn't be thrown out into the rain. That I wouldn't be the one standing on the outside of the window in darkness staring into the warm home and family that I could never be part of. I didn't play the game. I said it exactly how it was. I would always love...even if he left. And sadly I put myself on that side...on the outside. I didn't walk out on my own, and I did not walk to find another home I could go into...or better yet, I didn't have him leave my home. I chose to stay outside my own window and look in, slowly getting drenched and wasting my life away. The image of a girl standing while the world moves so quickly around her, ignorant of her existence is what comes into my mind.

But how could he ever like me? My pleading has lowered me down and pulled me under. I thought that it would be a good thing...putting myself out on a limb to declare how much I loved. And like the movies, I had high hopes that he would come back to me...that love conquered everything. But seeing it now, I was losing respect from him. Who wants a beggar? Even though it wasn't my fault, I pleaded like it was.

I'm trying to pull my life back together now. It's time to move on. The new girl's already begun to replace me as a friend. She's asking him what he'd like to drink and bringing it to him. He's meeting her before leaving campus just to say hi. They're talking and laughing together late at night on the phone or at her house. That used to be me.

I think that it's coming close to a time where I need to leave it all behind. I think he's talked to her about me...and told her to talk to me more. I wish she wouldn't. She's nice...but her presence just hurts and humiliates me. It will be nice when I don't feel that anymore.

They all say I have it wrong. That I'm fine without him...better without him. And that it should be the other way around. That I love, share, laugh, and do things that so many other girls don't. I've "got a lot going for me" and have respect from other people. And those are the people I should surround myself with.

They're right. I know it on a common sense level. But I don't feel it yet. It's not quite in my heart...don't even know where that is...a million pieces takes a while to put back together. But yea...time to start the process and keep doing the things I love because I love it...the things that people look up to me for. There's so much he and other people don't know about me. Perhaps one day he'll finally see what he's missing out on. But he can't miss me until I'm gone.

Chalking for NEW

In an effort to think of other things in my life...my topic tonight will be: chalking. I didn't go to church this morning, but did a bible study instead in my room under the comfort of my covers. Haha well...comforter since I was too lazy last night to put my clean sheets back on my bed. I did to go church after it was over to tell PJ I was going to Minnesota. I'd made up my mind. And praying that I did it for the right reasons. Despite the facts, the hurt, all the fluff, it just seemed right. I am all down for helping a community in dire need of it. The lows of the town are kind of a lose-lose situation for me though. It's funny really...snow vs. mosquitoes. What a great spring break eh? It's okay though. I don't feel like I'm missing out.

I stayed with a group to help them plan a sermon for next week's (or next next?) church Sunday service. After chugging through, I went to campus to chalk. :)

What on earth are you talking about? Aha. ESC wanted to let everyone know whether they were an engineer or english major that it was National Engineers Week. We had a massive budget this year, which means a ton of awesome events, and a lot of really cool free stuff. Like...a lotta lot. I've seen and planned quite a few events. This one is huge. And very good. So we chalked the campus as so. I agreed to meet people in the UU to get started. I knew a few people there...Nicole and Joel. And had met some people the time before...Nikki and Jessica. There were others and we worked our way down from the UU to Dexter to the library to the Bonderson buildings. It was quite a good time actually. I feel like I tagged some really good places, especially around building 14 and Engineering West.

After our tagging spree left us with no more chalk, the group dispersed except for a few who agreed to do some more staking. Joel and I went to pick up a mallot as Matt got the truck (the NEW-mobile) to get us around campus. We staked the CSC/EE area and the CE/Bonderson building areas together. Picked up Jessica and called it a day. I really like Joel and Jessica a lot. I don't know why, but I do. Anyways, it's off to do more studying. Where to now Brain? I'm thinking the Library Pinky. Haha dorky I know, but their voices popped into my head. Don't ask. Luckily I'm not going crazy these days.

New Day

Here is my new day's epiphany: There are no second chances. Don't hope, it will never come.

When it Hurts

Ha I seem to be asking a lot of questions these days. I think the winner is how do you make an unhealthy relationship...healthy?

How do I make the emotions go away...turn them off? How do I cope with something that is so devastating to me...a broken heart. Silly I know. Pathetic probably. But it kills me inside. And I can't seem to help it. Why would she do this to me? Why is it because he likes her that my life has to be so messed up. He makes me so happy, yet I can't even be happy around him anymore because her presence just makes me cry. God why did you make me so pathetic? Why did you even give me life if you're going to put me through massive trial after trial after trial? I know You have a plan, but I feel so forgotten.

Michelle, he is never going to like you again. You have to realize that. It's a vicious cycle. You love him so much that it tears you up inside. And because you love him so much and you're like that, he can never love you. Nobody would ever love something so broken. Put yourself back together. Move on. You know how. It's the one thing you haven't tried yet. You are so reluctant because you think you might have a second chance to love him someday. But get over it because you won't. MOVE ON. Go. Go find a new life and leave the old one behind.

I know you'll still think of him even without him there. I know because you did it when he wasn't there before. But this time don't hold on. Set him free. There are more people out there with a heart like his...better than his. Besides, you want someone who will love you. That's all you want remember? Remember saying that? Even if he gave you a second chance, he wouldn't love you. So don't fall back into that. Set yourself free.

My heart feels hollow and it's hard to breathe. God, you've got a pretty big hole to fill. What should I set my sights on now? If I really do want to travel and make the world a better place, it's better not to have anyone to hold me back anyways. So what are you going to do? New dancing. New language. Finish your homework and study on Friday nights. Don't care about what other people are doing. Get you life back together...alone. No more going to his house. I don't know what to do about Tyler and the LCMers, but maybe stop going to that church? Don't go to that church tomorrow? Don't go to the volleyball game? Focus on a good worship and think about whether I should give that up or not. Play more guitar and buy a keyboard to practice piano.

Stop. Stop thinking about him. Don't love him anymore. Push him out of your mind...completely. Stop crying. The keyboard isn't waterproof. Your life is hard. Deal with it. Don't talk about these things anymore to anyone. You'll have to put on a face at first, but the mask will integrate into your life and perhaps acting happy will actually make you feel happy. Give it a try. Don't say another word about these things anymore.

And finally, post this. You're not embarrassed by any of these things and you don't care what others think. But post it so that you actually do it. When you tell someone you're going to do something, you do it.

Consumed

Why does love do this to people? The romantic love kind. Real love...God's love can be spread to anyone and everyone...but this romantic love...sheesh. It's time for a change that will have me flying through the clouds, or walking my way through hell trying desparately to reach the other side.

"If you're going through hell, just keep going, don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there."