Enchantments

So what can I be thankful for this time? I came home and hung out and lied back in my bed with my arms spread out and eyes staring at the ceiling. It felt good to be back in SLO. The SWE Spring Fling Dance called Engineering Enchantment was tonight. I just hung out and got ready for the evening rather methodically...more of for something to keep me busy rather than getting really excited for the evening. I was waiting for Sabrina to get home so I could hang and go out with her that evening. I decided to give my style a different look too so I picked up my curling iron and tried the impossible...to give my hair curls...or waves...anything of some sort lol. It worked actually. I found out the key was to do it before my hair dried straight. It's not very style-able after that point. Sabrina would come up and down the stairs with an outfit or something to talk about so when I heard a knock on my door I just yelled "Come in!" above the noise of my air blowing curling iron without even looking at the door. The door opened and it was someone I didn't expect. I didn't say a word as a piece of paper and a certificate was handed to me. I looked at them, then up again, as I put them slowly on the ground. I received a look before the person left and the door closed. I had the curling iron in my hand and I wasn't even aware of it. I was just looking sadly at the paper and certificate. A minute passed and I returned to what I was doing, trying to think of other things instead. I heard another knock on the door and I gave a hesitant "Come in." Sabrina opened the door and came in with a few outfits for me to give opinions on. She looked at me and I tried to smile. This wasn't the best time for me.

I had tried. I had felt like I put myself on the line. And in the end I had just hung myself up to dry. Nothing was coming out good anymore. I'd written a letter in hopes of setting things right, apologizing and explaining situations without receiving any back in return. I was putting myself in a situation that wouldn't be advised because if I was the one to give in...put myself lower, the other person might think that he's all right and did nothing wrong...when really he did too. But I figured I'd do it if it set things right. It'd be worth it. I still cared. But in the end it was nothing...for nothing. I was going to be judged anyways. Things weren't going to get better, and I was still going to hurt. I was still going to have to hurt. I've been told things I hope to never hear again. But maybe I can see why my words were provocative. Maybe it was my mistake to say anything at all...

Anyways, Sabrina and I went to the Madonna Inn. We danced, took silly pictures, ate cake, and talked to a lotta people. I wasn't feeling it much though. I sat and stared at pictures of old friends on my camera. Some girls dragged me from the table onto the dance floor. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't because I was driving. I wanted to drink myself to sleep.

We went home and I've been in a zone. That kind of buzzing zone where things are wrong and you're not alright, but there's nothing you can do about it, so you go to this zone...a temporary nothingness. I took two shots of tequila to put me out and took my normal spot on the couch when I drink and zone, and because I don't have any sheets on my bed in my room. I'll be out soon, very soon.