Dazed

I'm mellow these days. It's happened to me before. It's not so much of why I feel this way, but more of how long it will last this time. I think I'm a fairly happy person. My problem is my damn sensitivity. Naiveness. The fact that something is missing. And I know what it is.

Anyways, this feeling is rare. It's the time when I can smile and laugh and people will stop to ask me what's wrong. Nothing. Nothing is ever really wrong. Things happen...they're sometimes bad, but the best we can do is keep going right? No need to bring anyone else down especially since I know I won't be this way for long. It never lasts. Life experience has taught me that much.

These are also the times when I don't feel anything anymore. Like nothing else could go wrong and make me feel any worse. For the most part, these are the times when I've already been broken. So I can't be broken again...not until I'm fixed at least lol. My head feels like it's in a cloud...everything seems to go by smoothly. My eyes get dry and feel hallow. I talk, but only say what I need to and nothing more. My mind wanders and questions things I already know the answer to. And I don't understand why I do. It's a bizarre feeling really. It's these times when I can take off and leave...go to Italy and Australia and leave everything and everyone behind...without a word. I'll be back someday of course, but I don't need to announce my departure. I just need some time to start over new again. No drama. No hidden stories. No surprises that'll make my heart wrench or put me back in despair.

I think the reason why is because when you go somewhere new...you don't expect anything. Without expectations, you don't get so disappointed. You almost expect something to go wrong or be completely new. It's not as much of a shocking surprise. And many times, it's rather pleasant. New things tend to be so.

Anyways, I got my car window fixed on my lunch break today thanks to Jimmy and Lotus Glass. What a great deal. I also picked up a new IBM badge. While sitting in security, some contractors for IBM walked in talking to the security people like buddies. I sat patiently in the office not really paying any attention. One of them just stood in the crowd and stared at me. I continued to stare at the wall for another minute before shifting my gaze to meet his. It was rather disturbing...someone just blatantly staring at you. He was a middle aged man, and he smiled. I said hello, smiled back, and shifted back to my place at the wall. His buddies and security started up a conversation with me then. I don't think the staring man understood English. Did I really look that zoned out...sad? The conversation between us all in the small room was short. They got my story and gave me some fraud tips...offered me some pastries that they apparently get hooked up with from the back of the office before I finally received my badge and bid them a good day as they opened the door for me. Their kindness did lighten my day, even if only a little. But I will still admit I was intimidated by the staring man. I'm normally intimidated by things I don't understand or can't see myself doing.

I sit here now. Writing every half hour or so some thoughts from the day. Still dazed. Quiet my officemate says about me. I don't feel like a different person. Anyways, I'll be alright in another hour or so. I'm not really mad or anything...more sad, but that'll pass too. I can only be sad for so long since it doesn't take much to make me happy and laugh eh? Okay back to work. Then an evening hike to look forward to...