When it Hurts

Ha I seem to be asking a lot of questions these days. I think the winner is how do you make an unhealthy relationship...healthy?

How do I make the emotions go away...turn them off? How do I cope with something that is so devastating to me...a broken heart. Silly I know. Pathetic probably. But it kills me inside. And I can't seem to help it. Why would she do this to me? Why is it because he likes her that my life has to be so messed up. He makes me so happy, yet I can't even be happy around him anymore because her presence just makes me cry. God why did you make me so pathetic? Why did you even give me life if you're going to put me through massive trial after trial after trial? I know You have a plan, but I feel so forgotten.

Michelle, he is never going to like you again. You have to realize that. It's a vicious cycle. You love him so much that it tears you up inside. And because you love him so much and you're like that, he can never love you. Nobody would ever love something so broken. Put yourself back together. Move on. You know how. It's the one thing you haven't tried yet. You are so reluctant because you think you might have a second chance to love him someday. But get over it because you won't. MOVE ON. Go. Go find a new life and leave the old one behind.

I know you'll still think of him even without him there. I know because you did it when he wasn't there before. But this time don't hold on. Set him free. There are more people out there with a heart like his...better than his. Besides, you want someone who will love you. That's all you want remember? Remember saying that? Even if he gave you a second chance, he wouldn't love you. So don't fall back into that. Set yourself free.

My heart feels hollow and it's hard to breathe. God, you've got a pretty big hole to fill. What should I set my sights on now? If I really do want to travel and make the world a better place, it's better not to have anyone to hold me back anyways. So what are you going to do? New dancing. New language. Finish your homework and study on Friday nights. Don't care about what other people are doing. Get you life back together...alone. No more going to his house. I don't know what to do about Tyler and the LCMers, but maybe stop going to that church? Don't go to that church tomorrow? Don't go to the volleyball game? Focus on a good worship and think about whether I should give that up or not. Play more guitar and buy a keyboard to practice piano.

Stop. Stop thinking about him. Don't love him anymore. Push him out of your mind...completely. Stop crying. The keyboard isn't waterproof. Your life is hard. Deal with it. Don't talk about these things anymore to anyone. You'll have to put on a face at first, but the mask will integrate into your life and perhaps acting happy will actually make you feel happy. Give it a try. Don't say another word about these things anymore.

And finally, post this. You're not embarrassed by any of these things and you don't care what others think. But post it so that you actually do it. When you tell someone you're going to do something, you do it.