Respect

It came to me tonight on the drive home from the school library. 2:30am. I was touched by my study buddy's attempt to make me feel better without bringing anything up. It was good that way. I didn't want to talk about it...I shouldn't talk about it. He walked back over to my car to give me a hug goodnight.

Respect. I mean it in the most humble of ways.

I've been driving with my guard down lately. It's been raining and the streets have been shiny at night from the street light glares. My thoughts seep in and suck me in until something brings me back to the road and real life. I try not to think of how things should be. How despite everyone around me and all the love I get and everything I have "going for me", I feel so alone.

Let me elaborate on my thoughts. I was speaking to someone over dinner one night about how for some reason, I don't seem to like people who give me too much attention right off the bat. I don't know why. I guess it depends on the person? But still, it seemed to be somewhat of a trend I've seen in my life. And I couldn't figure out why...I mean, what girl doesn't like attention? Okay okay, I know some don't, but it is somewhat flattering. But it hasn't been much more than that. And now it makes sense...kinda.

I like people that I can respect and look up to. I trust those people. That's why I like boys with big hearts who put themselves out on a limb to help other people...it's not always easy to give. I like those who fill leadership rolls. They tend to be confident, mature, and relatively selfless. It's a plus if they have the same religious outlook as I do...and can dance. :)

All this time I've been down on my knees pleading that I wouldn't be thrown out into the rain. That I wouldn't be the one standing on the outside of the window in darkness staring into the warm home and family that I could never be part of. I didn't play the game. I said it exactly how it was. I would always love...even if he left. And sadly I put myself on that side...on the outside. I didn't walk out on my own, and I did not walk to find another home I could go into...or better yet, I didn't have him leave my home. I chose to stay outside my own window and look in, slowly getting drenched and wasting my life away. The image of a girl standing while the world moves so quickly around her, ignorant of her existence is what comes into my mind.

But how could he ever like me? My pleading has lowered me down and pulled me under. I thought that it would be a good thing...putting myself out on a limb to declare how much I loved. And like the movies, I had high hopes that he would come back to me...that love conquered everything. But seeing it now, I was losing respect from him. Who wants a beggar? Even though it wasn't my fault, I pleaded like it was.

I'm trying to pull my life back together now. It's time to move on. The new girl's already begun to replace me as a friend. She's asking him what he'd like to drink and bringing it to him. He's meeting her before leaving campus just to say hi. They're talking and laughing together late at night on the phone or at her house. That used to be me.

I think that it's coming close to a time where I need to leave it all behind. I think he's talked to her about me...and told her to talk to me more. I wish she wouldn't. She's nice...but her presence just hurts and humiliates me. It will be nice when I don't feel that anymore.

They all say I have it wrong. That I'm fine without him...better without him. And that it should be the other way around. That I love, share, laugh, and do things that so many other girls don't. I've "got a lot going for me" and have respect from other people. And those are the people I should surround myself with.

They're right. I know it on a common sense level. But I don't feel it yet. It's not quite in my heart...don't even know where that is...a million pieces takes a while to put back together. But yea...time to start the process and keep doing the things I love because I love it...the things that people look up to me for. There's so much he and other people don't know about me. Perhaps one day he'll finally see what he's missing out on. But he can't miss me until I'm gone.