What Now?

I feel like I'm disjoint from this life. I still have passions and I love everyone and everything...but at the same time, it's like I'm not attached to anything. I want to be with everyone, and yet I don't. And there is nobody here that has enough grip on me to move me...move my heart. Maybe that's why I feel so disjoint.

Not that I'm worried. Perhaps it's the hype of so many friends graduating and moving along while I still remain. And so many more getting engaged before my story has even begun. More people with set plans of adventure while I still don't know where I'll be in a week. And others with opportunities and access that I don't know how to get. Last summer there was someone who was always around for me to call often when I wanted to...at least one good friend that I was close to at each phase of my San Jose summer. Most of those people are tied down now with girlfriends. And others are heading down to Southern California or out of state. How I long for my Southern California roots and familiarity. When I'm there, I never hear anything about this whole Nor Cal vs. So Cal Pride...people really didn't care where I was. But when I'm here in SLO and up in the bay, it becomes a big thing and I don't know why.

Perhaps I'm just not in the mood at the moment. I would not make the effort to introduce myself to someone new nor do I care to scan the crowd for a face or personality that attracts me. Yet I know that when it comes down to it, it's what I do in the adrenaline rush of a new setting. I guess that I am scared of what's to come...and at the same time unsatisfied that it is not more extravagant and mysterious as a trip out of the country or a road trip with friends. But I guess I shouldn't doubt myself too much. That's how I roll...too free for my own good. So much that I'm confident enough to get a place within a week and not having a place during that time..."winging it" if you will.

Oh dear. What am I getting myself into lol.