Iamme

Lethargy

2009-03-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever look back on past messages, or texts, or whatever it is you have that jots down some sort of communication and think...wow they're all over the place...happy, sad, funny, random...and you think, I don't know who I am anymore. And all the sudden I'm defensive and everyone seems to have their opinion and corrects me in this and that and tells me what ideas are good and what aren't. And I've always been more of the listen and take in what other people say as being more true than what I might think (unless I know they're wrong). Even more is when I know what's good and what isn't and I still do the wrong thing. Like having a whole day to work, and staring off into space half the time. I never used to let time waste like that. I was so productive that I couldn't even believe it at the end of the day, and now...it's poop. I don't want to use the word depressed, but something doesn't fit right...or I just don't fit right with life.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, but he's picking me up when I'm down which is great...except the part where I'm down in the first place. Wait a second....I didn't used to be down before...at least not in the past two years. I guess I feel useless and trapped in the area between college and real world. And I can't seem to get out of it. Why is my life never normal...

Lent

2009-02-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

Although the nature of the observance varies, there are three widely accepted "pillars" of Lent: prayer, fasting, and service to the poor.

Note to self. :)

Road Trip to Arkansas

2009-02-24T22:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a while eh?

Last week was an adventure. I drove out with Steffen to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and back to San Luis Obispo, California in one week...Monday to Sunday. We went through Bakersfield, Flagstaff, Albuquerque, Amarillo, Oklahoma City, to Eureka Springs. We pretty much took the same way back detouring from Flagstaff to Pheonix (Surprise and Tempe in particular) and Yorba Linda (my home) before getting back to SLO at about 2am.

It was fun! Though the snow storm through Flagstaff was a bit intimidating...a little scared for my life, but Steffen is a good driver so I wasn't too worried...despite not being able to see through the windshield since the snow was coming directly at it at relatively high speeds...and icy roads. Haha. Anyways, we pulled off and slept in the car under and overpass sharing a sleeping bag across the middle console. Can't say it was too comfy, but we were warm enough.

Eureka Springs is a nice place. Small town in the hills with a funky vibe. The weather temperature was great though and I loved playing with the pups. It was like a mini vacation.

We got to visit and stay with my best friend Ku'uipo on the way back through Arizona. Her parents have a very large house there...housing market isn't as terrible as California lol. We went out with her friends to downtown Tempe that night at the Big Bang Dueling Piano Bar and Margarita Rocks (I think that was it) before heading back up to Surprise to pass out for the night...we were exhausted. 8-12 hours of driving a day will do that to ya lol.

North Carolina

2008-11-21T01:45:00.000-08:00

Ah, just when the title makes one think that I went to visit North Carolina, all I have to say of my sight-seeing experience was the inside of the Embassy Suites hotel in Durhan/Raleigh. Makes me laugh to think about it really.

I flew out of San Luis Obispo at 9:45am PST on a warm Tuesday morning. Flew through San Francisco and Chicago. Landed in Raleigh/Durham and checked into the hotel at 11:00pm EST. That was a long day. I met another Cal Poly student headed to the event from SFO on to O'Hare and to Raleigh. And then I also noticed a student at O'Hare who became friends with me on the shuttle from the airport to the hotel. Not to mention another student who goes to Stanford and knows two of my friends at Cal Poly from working at Agilent this past summer. What a small world. :)

Gorgeous hotel. (Not so gorgeous weather...25 degrees and below isn't ideal for flip flops I've decided). Back to the hotel though...essentially a forest smack in the middle. And the suites were really nice. Living room, bar/fridge area, bathroom, and bedroom. Two beds! Tough decision...which one should I sleep in haha. I got my stuff all laid out for the next day and pulled together some homework and then some studying for the interview. I was asleep by what...3:00am EST. The interview event started at 7:00am EST...ie 4:00am PST. Which essentially meant waking up at 5:30am EST...2:30am PST to start the day. Believe me I was in a haze all morning. As I'm sure all the west coasters were lol.

In the end, I have to say that it was kind of silly to come all the way out for two 30-minute interviews, but at the same time, the friends and connections I made mingling on the side were invaluable. I had bought the text that they were testing us on, and within two days have gone from knowing nothing to something about networks. *pats self on back* This is just such an exciting experience (minus the flying). I had fun and that tells me a lot. The people I met were awesome...really bright, down to earth, friendly, and real. And I hope to see them again soon. :)

Left North Carolina at 5:15pm EST to Pheonix, AZ with its 74 degree weather. Then split off from my new found friends to San Luis Obispo (they were all headed up to San Jose). Of course go figure there'd be something wrong with the plane so we were de-planed into an airport that had shut down all its food courts. Anything going to San Luis Obispo is bound to have problems or delays haha. Though I pretty much had it coming with all my good fly luck thus far (flights were even arriving early!). Twitter pretty much kept me occupied as my iPod had died on me. Got in at 10:45pm PST on Wednesday night. Slept really well that night. Now just anticipating results. And catching up with school like no other.

Sales Engineering

2008-11-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

So here's a random story.

I applied for a position about two years ago with a company's sales engineering program because I was interested in it. Of course they said well you're not graduating yet, so that was a no go. Then I tried again the next year and they turned me down based on minimum requirements. This year I was a bit discouraged from the previous years and with my experience I wasn't too worried about a job anyways (I wouldn't even be too worried graduating without one either...mostly because life is going to move forward no matter what...and something will happen I'm sure). My turn to sound arrogant: I am invaluable and if a company doesn't recognize that it is their loss. At the same time, I say that only because I know that I will do well at something I love. I'm so ready to take on this world and make my impact. I'm not really arrogant (though a certain individual might snicker at that haha).

Anyways, though I did not get a chance to visit them at the career fair, I got a call from one of the recruiters who had my resume from (who knows when), asking to talk later that week. I was thinking well, if they are willing to call me, then sure. I thought it was for development, so I didn't take it too seriously. Anyways, the day comes and I had just gotten back from on-site interviews in San Jose (there and back in one day), and slept right through the early morning interview. Of course, the guy had called me over a half-hour late due to meetings, so we were both on pretty even ground lol. Rescheduling, we talk later and I find out it is not for development, but instead the sales engineering position that I'd had my eye on for years. Okay I am all ears now!

I make it past the first round interview. The second interview came way late because there is someone else with my name applying and they had accidently contacted her instead of me. Don't think it was til I emailed them that they realized their mistake. Unfortunately for me then was a rushed scheduling right after my return from Baltimore, MD (SWE Conference). I was nervous! But I made it through. Some explanations, questions, experiences. Passed on to the final round: On-site. Next week. East coast. And just like that, a position I applied for bout two years ago determined where I might be a year from now. Amazing. I don't know if I got it yet, but it's what I want to do and I hope that it shows.

I refuse to get a motorcycle for myself until I accept a job offer.

Prioritizing

2008-10-20T02:18:00.000-07:00

How on earth do I continue to do this to myself? Of course, no body is surprised that I might be talking about doing too much. Too many commitments. Is it so bad though? I get a lot out of each. I get to learn some great new technology and share new ideas and be a backbone to something that makes a difference.

Either way, I am still behind in school. Dance I am barely keeping up with (even though it's my favorite) because I can dance fine, but haven't studied all the history and diagrams. Capstone is dominating my time. And Programming Languages...don't even get me started.

I need to re-evaluate my priorities. There is always going to be a long list of things to do. Now which ones are really important...which ones will affect me the most?

Priority numbero uno right now: sleep. Okay I'll start with that one.

Week 1 Milestone

2008-09-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well I've managed to get through my first week back at Cal Poly. I am not in my best condition though I must admit. For one, I am most definitely sick, but it's the kind where you can still keep going with that limp. Perhaps I should have just slept all of today. Not that I had a choice since I had to wake up at 7am to get ready for church sermons and such. But gone back to sleep...that would have been nice. Ah well. It was a good day. But I'm definitely not feeling any healthier. My throat is dry and constricted, I can't breathe, and my head kind of throbs. Ugh. But at least nothing hurts.

Anywho, enough about the bad stuff. Week one was great. I'm taking Programming Languages I, Software Requirements Capstone, Artificial Intelligence, and Ballroom Dancing. I'm highly considering dropping AI since I don't need it. Capstone is going to be awesome (we're working with Intuit), and PL is gonna kick my ass. Bring it! A note about Ballroom Dancing...I am the only Asian in the class (with the exception of the instructor herself), and I am by far the tallest girl in class. By at least two inches from the next tallest girl (there are maybe about 3 or 4 in this height range) and at least 6-8 inches from all the rest of the girls in class. It is ridiculous how tiny some of these girls are. Who knew?

I've also discovered something about myself. I always thought that I had a problem with dry lectures (who doesn't), but now I realize that I'm falling asleep in most of my lectures and have to try extremely hard to stay awake or keep my eyes from getting heavy. I'm not even talking about dry lectures. I was very engaged some of the lectures this week, but found myself getting heavy eye lids despite this until I started focusing on something completely different, like taking out my laptop and surfing the web (bad I know), or letting my thoughts wander into solving a problem outside of class or something. I have the hardest time staying focused...and when I am, I get heavy eyelids. I even get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, which is a big difference from previous years. I can't win!

How has your heart been hardened and then broken by God's grace?

2008-09-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

My two minute sermon testimony at Mt. Carmel Church Service...

I was about the age of 15 or 16 when I started to realize that the world was not a bubble so perfectly shaped around me. I had been sheltered most of my life through the storm of divorce and sickness. But that roof had finally blown away. My heart was hardened.

I remember I would pray through tears at night to a God that I didn't really understand for things like...more ice cream after dinner, and A on a test that I didn't study for, for my parents to be happy, and for my dad to get better...a miracle if you will. You see, my dad was sick.

Then I started to realize my dad as himself. He was always smiling, always encouraging, still teaching me new things, playing a heated game of chess and sometimes letting me win, head buried in text books and scientific magazines, laughing at jokes and memories from when I was a child, like paramecia and runny noses. He always told me everything was okay. And I believed him.

Now let me tell you about my father. He had cancer when I was two years old. He went through radiation treatment which left him cancer free, but with terrible side effects. He had minimal eye-sight, loss of hearing, loss of equilibrium, skin disorders, hardened neck muscles (can you imagine not being able to turn your neck?), loss of saliva glands, and a stomach tube...and later on a trach tube. Yet he was one of the most loving people that I know. He spoke of a God and of unconditional love. And God's grace flowed through my father and showed itself to me.

My father passed away on August 17, 2007. But I had no doubt that I was loved and will always be. Something I didn't realize until recently is that I did get that miracle that I prayed so fervently for as a child. I had always expected my miracle to be a full healing of my father, but God works in other ways. The doctors had given him five years to live after he was diagnosed. Instead, he lived for over twenty years and I had him in my life growing up. He was sick since I remember yes, but I can't imagine my life without my dad in it. He's been such a big part of it. Thank you God.

Something About Home

2008-09-18T02:58:00.000-07:00

So I finally made it back to SLO. In my room. Contemplating sleep. It was on a whim you know. I received an email talking about a meeting tomorrow at 9am and I was like oh shewt. I hadn't planned on coming back until tomorrow afternoon. I still had a pile of things to do. And I wasn't at all packed. But what can ya do? So I did what I could, had a home cooked meal with the family (mom doesn't cook often, but it's fabulous when she does), took a shower, and got distracted playing with the pup and watching Myth Busters with Jimmy. Did you know...if you interleave individual pages of two phone books together like shuffling two decks of cards, that the friction in the pages would need over 8000 pounds of force to separate? It's craziness. And true.

It's always a weird state of mind whenever I'm home. I keep thinking it's my family that drives me nuts, but I still love and admire them like nobody else in this world. And yet, I feel like I'm so unproductive when I'm home. I spend my time trying to do all the back log items, like cleaning the house, organizing, ridding the computer of spyware and viruses. And I sit in bed and read or do stuff on the computer quite a lot. And nap. I seem to do a lot of napping when I'm home. All in all, I do a lot, and yet I feel utterly unproductive.

On the other hand, I come up to SLO and get one thing done after another. Emailing this, sending that, meetings, study groups, organizing, reading, programing. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because at home, it's not my space anymore. My room has turned into Jimmy's study room and full of old furniture that I can't do much with. I don't use the drawers, the shelves are full of other books and papers not mine, and the bed frame is taped to hold it together lol. I live out of my bags at the foot of my bed. So perhaps I just need to make it my space. Take back my desk. Get rid of the over heating virus infested computer from my room. And move my college furniture on in. Or just get my own place when I graduate lol.

New York to Los Angeles

2008-09-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

It was hard to wake up this morning I was so tired. I went to bed at around 1:30am last night and woke up at 7:10am this morning to hop in the shower and decide on what I wanted to wear. I decided on a white dress. Comfortable and cool in this hot humid weather. I've only worn a dress twice on this trip and both times have been when meeting up with Ryan. I thought I'd change for the plane, but decided that the dress was perfect fot the plane ride as well. Subtly in the back of my head, I think that when a girl looks nice she gets treated better by those around her as well, such as the shuttle bus driver or people in the airport...I could be wrong but who knows.

Ryan was late by a half hour, but I didn't mind. I had perched myself on a bench outside on the corner and continued to read Eat Pray Love. Turns out he had stayed at work til about 2:30am so I'm just amazed that he was able to wake up to have breakfast with me at 8am. The fate of a potential wall street disaster has kept people in the financial business working through the weekend and the night. It's a big deal. Lehman Brothers, the 4th largest financial firm in the US will likely be filing for bankruptcy, thanks to the investments in dropping housing market, if nobody buys them out. Barclay has backed out, and BofA took up the opportunity to buy Merril Lynch instead. If Lehman goes down, it is likely that it will take down other financial companies with it and greatly contribute to our economy's recession. So Ryan, along with many others, worked late into the night to do analysis on their files at JP Morgan Chase. I watched CNN news last night and saw people leaving with bags and boxes of stuff from the Lehman Brothers building. That must be tough to be so quickly without a job...just like that.

We walked down to the corner of 57th and 11th and shared french toast and a western omlet at a small diner. The food was pretty good and darn cheap compared to a regular meal in the City. We talked about the banking industry, traveling, and just life. I felt very comfortable around him...it's as if we didn't spend 12 years apart as friends lol. We have a lot in common and I hope he makes an effort to keep in contact as well.

I walked with him to the subway station at Columbus Circle and we split up to go our separate ways. I can kick myself for not getting a picture though. Oh well. Perhaps in the next 12 years eh? On a whim, I headed down to Union Square area taking the 1 and getting off at 18th Street. I walked around and bought some pink roses for Aunt Margaret and picked up a few fruits and a coffee at the farmers market. Aunt Margaret liked the flowers and I put them into a hairspray nalgene bottle for her (LOL) as a vase. Then it was time to pack up, spend some time with Aunt Margaret, and head downstairs to wait for the Blue Shuttle. I'm going to miss New York I thought to myself. For a city, I was relaxed most of the time I was here. I walked a lot, and experienced a lot of the City despite also not doing anything a lot of the time as well. I seem to be good at that...looking like I'm doing absolutely nothing all the time, and yet still being busy going out all the time. An odd mix of extremes.

I'm going to miss Aunt Margaret too. I think she's younger at heart than I am even though she's 81. We have a lot in common and I absolutely loved spending my time and evenings with her. She's got a coop in Queens that I'm considering taking off her hands if I like it. It's too bad that she didn't tell me before so I could have gone to check it out yesterday. Oh well, I'll go check it out next time I'm in New York, which hopefully will be soon. As well as see cousin Jimmy who does IT at a law firm in Manhattan and other family members I might've only met once before. Buying a place on the east coast is somewhat feasible now that the LA house is officially rented as well. Next house after that...Italy. Or Monaco lol.

I slept in the front seat of the full shuttle bus on the way to the airport. I wanted to see the scenery around me as we drove from Manhattan to JFK, but I could not stay awake for the life of me. I was awoken when we got there by Erik's phone call asking for technical elective recommendations in Computer Science. I was so groggy that I couldn't really think straight and I said I'd get back to him lol. The plane ride went smooth, and now I'm back in California. Good ole California...but it's just not New York.

Sunday Afternoon

2008-09-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty relaxing day in the fifth story apartment. I got to talk to friends from Sweden, Belgium, and Orange County all at the same time. :) Ah, technology these days.

I spend most of the evening setting up my Aunt's computer and teaching her how to use email with her new GMail account I created for her. She's having a hard time using the mouse and the whole concept of it all is a bit frustrating for her (she keeps saying she's dumb), but I think she's smarter than anyone else I know her age...she's actually trying to use the internet! That's amazing in itself. Besides, using a mouse for the first time ever is difficult for anyone.

I ordered hamburger delivery from a place with high ratings on Yelp called Island Hamburgers. The meat patties were like gigantic balls of meat. It was all quite delicious and my aunt was amazed at the size. She kept their number and I'm sure she'll be calling them again, especially when she has other visitors in town.

We talked about taking trips to Colorado to visit Aunt Patsie and about going to Ireland next April. I am so in...at least I hope I am. I should book my ticket to Europe soon so that there's no more question about whether I'm going or not. I do have to start looking into my financials to see if I can make the trip and for how long doing what. My trip to NYC for two weeks was pretty pricey and I didn't even pay for my plane ticket or half my meals. (Transportation costs will eat you alive if you aren't patient enough to take the subway everywhere...and I'm not that patient).

MoMA

2008-09-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

I came across a street fair on 6th Avenue this morning. The trash cans are overflowing. The food is magnificent. And it was for blocks.

Then I spent the day at MoMA...amazing. The museum was great and the Dali exhibit was fascinating. Especially all the abstract paintings and eye balls. But even more, their store...oh em gee. I am a fan of the MoMA store lol.

Milk Culprit

2008-09-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

I just took the last bit of Nate's milk for a bowl of cereal. He's still sleeping lol. Hopefully...he doesn't mind. ;)

Princeton, New Jersey

2008-09-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day. I've never seen rain look so pretty.

I woke up this morning in a groggy state. I never seem to get enough sleep at night. But it's another exciting day on the east coast. Nate is in the living room having a meeting with one of his RAs and Rachel is still in the next room. I pull myself out of bed and peek my head out to see if I could take a shower, but decide it's best to wait until his meeting is over. Silently I close the door and let my brain start thinking. I look at my cell phone and remember to call United Airlines wondering if I should extend my stay here in the east coast or not.

Why not. I look up the number and decide to leave Monday afternoon on the 3:40pm flight out of JFK. Monday it is! I hang up the phone and think to myself...now what? Lol. As if I had any plans (I don't). A second later I hear a knock on the door. Nate's done with his meeting and it's time to eat breakfast (Captain Crunch yum) and take a shower to get ready for a day trip to Princeton.

Princeton is gorgeous. High class. Historic. Sophisticated. Sophisticated...that's the word I would use if I had to decribe it in one word. We turn onto Washinton Street and it is a paved road lined with trees a mile down. Everything is so green and lush. The sky is overcast just right to give that emotional effect. From this street, we pull into the town itself and I turn into a puppy in the back seat, looking everywhere and amazed by everything. All the buildings on campus are bricks and stone and look like they were just built...how they keep them looking that good is amazing. Students are walking around and they are all dressed up nice and preppy. We pull further into town on the edge of campus and you can tell that this is a posh town. Boutiques everywhere. Older people and parents walking down the street in suits and dresses. You could tell that even people dressed casually were dressed casually in fine brands and quality clothing. And the cars were all expensive and shiny. Lots of old money here.

We took a tour of the Morven Museum which is basically the household of the Stockton family (hence the name Stockton everywhere, both in New Jersey and California). It was a good tour. And the garden was beautiful. We hit up an italian place for lunch and the pizza was scrumptious...Chicago style as I was told.

It was starting to rain, so we headed back to the car to pick up umbrellas (just in time too) before heading back to a bakery to try some goodies. They were alright. The chocolate cake was too rich for my taste and the pastry was too buttery. We walked further into town and then back towards the campus. I asked if we could walk into campus and they said sure so we headed into the stone walls of Princeton University. My goodness. I've never seen anything like it. It's like stepping into Harry Potter or something of the sort. Beautiful architecture. Green trees. The dorms looked like castles. It would be so awesome to go here. We stopped by the Art Museum and University Store before leaving and I picked up a duffle bag, more for the purpose of carrying other items I'd bought in New York. Course, I'd feel a little silly since carrying around the bag in California when I never went to Princeton U so it would be a little tricky. But oh well it's my memorabalia of this beautiful place.

My toes were squishing in my shoes by the time we got back to the car. It took a while to get out of town with the one lone street to head out in and traffic building up. I was tired. When we got back to Rutgers, Rachel proceeded to pass out right away and I repacked my bags using my Princeton duffle. Perfect. :) Now I can take a nap before dinner and a train back to NYC tonight. Oh how I love the east coast.

Elizabeth, New Bruinswick, and Rutgers

2008-09-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

I wake up later than I intended to today because I had forgotten to take my phone off silent after Broadway last night. Shoot. I'm still dead tired too. I think it's the floor. I drag myself to the shower after Josh leaves for work giving me a wake up nudge on his way out. Making sure I have everything (all this moving around is going to make me forget something somewhere I swear), I head out and give the key to the front desk telling them no, I'm not leaving yet, and start walking to Penn Station about 11 blocks away on 34th Street. It's always an interesting adventure when you haven't taken a certain route yet (in this case, NJ Transit), and you wander around looking for where you're supposed to go next. I'm never worried because I know I'll find my way around. But I'm not one of those people who can just walk and look like they know where they're going. When I don't know where I'm going or am not sure what to do next...I definitely look like I have no idea what I'm doing. I look up information and directions beforehand online, but not extensively, so I'm more of a go with the flow kind of person. And I ask lots of questions. If you smile while asking it, people are more than happy to help you. And, as I discovered, if you wear a dress or something nice (a damsel in distress look maybe?), people will come up to ask you if you need help with directions LOL. Or maybe I really just look THAT lost lol. Of course, they tend to come up right when I just figure it out so I ask some stupid question I already know like..."Which way is ___?" when I already know the answer. Perhaps I just like confirmation because sometimes I know I'm wrong.

Anyways, I awkwardly get all my stuff onto the train and take off to Elizabeth, NY. Note to self and rest of the world: DO NOT take the elevator down from the train platform to street level in Elizabeth. It apparently has a second use as a public restroom. There are stains to prove it if the smell doesn't kill you first. I don't care if I have to lug down ten bags...I'm taking the stairs. I see a 9/11 memorial in front of the station...how appropriate considering today is 9/11.

Nate's right on time pulling up to the side of the road within a minute of my arrival with a hoooonk to announce his presence. I load up my stuff and we take off down the street to get hot dogs for lunch. There are apparently two hot dog places competing right next to each other and how they both survive is beyond me. Jerry's is the only place that Nate will eat at...a devoted patron. We take our "the works" hot dogs and sit on a bench to enjoy the outside air and chat. I can't believe I'm here. After all this talk for the past year about the east coast this and that, I'm here. My world just got a little smaller...in a good way. Friend's aren't quite so far anymore. We stop by the house he grew up in and I meet his brother and dogs. Omg I love dogs and the pugs were so cute. Onyx was too of course. :) I'm baffled by how steep the stairs are in the house. You definitely couldn't run down those stairs. I actually had to go down them sideways to make sure I didn't fall.

Anyways it's time to go and we hop onto the breezeway towards New Bruinswick after a Dunkin Donuts pit stop for some Munchkins and Iced Coffee. There are tolls all over these freeways. I thought it must be annoying at first, but it made sense since it meant that only the people who used the freeways actually paid the "tax" on them. Unlike California where everyone pays and a chunck of our tax dollars goes towards maintaining the roads whether you used them or not. So perhaps they're smarter in that sense, but that sucks to have to stop every few miles to pay...time eater...gas guzzler?

We pull off the freeway and arrive on the Rutgers campus. The land opens up and the buildings and trees greet you like "Ta-daaa." The weather is gloomy but in a rather welcoming way. It's almost emotional. Unfortunately, the weather doesn't go to well with the dormitories. I feel like I'm in a gloomy cave walking into the apartment since the light is so dim and the walls are bare. But he's a hall director so he's got a place normally used to fit four people all to himself. It's mostly the lighting though that makes me feel almost isolated. I notice some asian decor on the wall and scent of eucalyptus makes me smile. Not that I'm Asian enough to "feel at home" in this setting lol...but it smells good. Nate puts on some classical music and shows me around the place. Okay, he is officially more Asian than me since he has a rice cooker and...I don't. Lol. I get myself settled and we head out, umbrellas in hand, to take a tour of the campus and town.

There's a football game today and the campus is swarming with students and family in their red shirts and hats. And I mean...everywhere!!! BBQs, tail gate parties, beer pong in parking lots...it's one huge party of a few thousand people all over campus. Bright red every where you look. They rented out charter buses to transfer the students all around and between campuses. We tried to catch an A bus but the swarms of students waiting to get on was quite dense. Nate pushes his way to an upcoming bus with me right behind him and manages to get on, but somehow between him and me another 5 students pushed on through. I was standing halfway up the steps on the bus and it didn't seem like I was going to get up much further than that. The driver was a prick and just sat there not saying anything like pack on back or if we should get off or anything. He just sat there until we looked at him and he said he needed to be able to see and so everyone behind me got off. I should have too, but what would I do without Nate, packed in five people infront of me lol. I squeeze myself into the first row leaning against the front railing practically sitting in the girls lap, but it's enough for the driver to close the doors and head on out. I stand in this awkward position for what seems like forever leaning all my weight on one arm against the railing under me and three people literally (yes literally) standing ON my feet in the aisle. I guess it helped hold me down from falling over the railing when the guy stepped on the brakes. But thank goodness I didn't wear flip flops.

I'm facing the back of the bus and all these students have blank bored looks on their faces. I on the other hand am grinning ear to ear I'm so exicted to be here and looking every which way out all the windows at the scenery passing by. They don't even check for my ID which surprises me really. We get off at the main campus and walk around the streets, through downtown New Bruinswick, and back through campus. It feels small and big at the same time...probably because it's all new to me. Nate reminises on his olden days as an undergraduate. I find it funny how he speaks because it was so "different" back then and yet here he is a student once again. It's the same...just different perspective. A prime example of what time does to us and our maturity. I feel old too talking about the fraternity parties and drinking when here I am a 23 year old who didn't even do any of that stuff until I was almost 22. It's been like a year and already it was old stuff to me lol. Somewhat at least.

We catch a bus back to the stadium and the dorms and start walking back against the crowd. There was a guy in front of us on the bus that was talking on the phone and then passed out within two minutes of hanging up. The poor guy's head kept falling sideways and he'd wake up to sit up again and then nod off. When we reached the end of the line, Nate got up and gave him a nudge. The guy didn't budge. "Is this guy for real" he says and gives him a small punch. Nothing. The guy wakes up when Nate shakes his shoulder and we all head off the bus. You gotta kinda hop skip down the steps and this guy almost ate it coming down. If you haven't figured it out already, this guy was drunk off his ass. How do you enjoy a football game or time with friends if you're that drunk? Sheesh. He proceeded to thank Nate for waking him up and told him he'd had 15 shots. Goodness. That would kill me.

We walk back like salmon swiming up stream against the crowd of people headed to BBQs and the stadium and turn on the game back in the dorms. Haha Nate passes out on the floor cause he's so tired. That's really nice of him to show me around the town and I smile to myself thinking that I have such great friends. Then it's time to hit up a potluck across campus and watch the game. Rutgers played North Carolina, who hadn't won a game on the road in 6 years, and were squashed by them. It was sad. By the third quarter, the stadium had emptied out of spectators. A guy even flicked off the camera and the rest of the world on ESPN (someone out there is in trouble), and they showed a poor boy who was distraught that they were loosing and had the saddest face with wide eyes and a towel covering up his mouth (like an "oh no"). It was hilarious and they kept showing it I almost felt bad for the guy who got this national coverage, but it was just too funny. Anyways, yea, Rutgers lost big time. (they lost to Fresno State in the first game too)

I'm Going Broadway!

2008-09-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

I wandered myself down to Wall Street today to check out the financial district in all of it's glory. For the first time since I came here, I bought a map after getting off the subway near Gold Street. I also bought myself some gelato and a chicken pie. The buildings here are so tall and pretty. At the end of Wall Street, I walked into Trinity Episcople Church and sat down in a pew to observe its silence and magnificance. Outside they have a piece of art made from a root of a tree that was uprooted in the 9/11 attack. Continuing my walk, I recognized in the distance where the twin towers used to be in between two other buildings. It is really odd to see that gap of space and sky there.

I remember when I was a kid looking out of the taxi cab twisting my neck to see the top of the building as we drove past it through the closed window. We went to the top, and shopped at the bottom. And now it cease to exist.

I walked east to see the Brooklyn Bridge and came across Pier 17. Well it's about time. Josh had said I should check it out, and I never really got a chance until I stubbled on it now. I walked around and bought myself a Yankees baseball cap and sat on top of the pier on a bench and lounge chair to eat my chicken pie. What a view! They have lounge chairs lined up all over the end of the pier...like a cruise ship. You can overlook the river and the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges as well as the Brooklyn skyline.

On my way out, I walked into Express and bought myself a pretty dress that I decided I would wear to Broadway that night. And so I went back home (Josh's place)...or so I thought. Nope. I was barely going to make it on time to meet Ryan on Broadway to see Hairspray as it was, but then I took the subway in the wrong direction...for miles. I went deep into Brooklyn almost to the airport. It costed me an hour to go out there and come back. Then run down the street and rush up to the room to change before heading out again. By chance Josh came back in a hurry at the same time to go out for the evening too. We were both in there for all of 5 minutes coming from our separate directions and leaving our separate ways lol. I flagged down a cabbie to take me to the Neil Simon Theater. I was all kinds of frustrated for being late over such a stupid mistake. So I took a second to stand and compose myself before walking up to the crowded front of the theater.

I took a look around for a few seconds to orient myself on where to go (box office), when an elderly usher walked up to me and promptly said "Are you Michelle by any chance, Margaret's neice?" I looked next to me and back at the man. Of all the people in this crowded sidewalk, he was definitely talking to me. I nod and reply that I am, and he says oh great your tickets are waiting for you in the box office and he opens up a door for me. I walk in, wait in line, call Ryan who says he's on the other side of the theater, and and walk up to the window. "Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm here to pick up tickets under Margaret." I take out my ID and ask he wants to see it. He looks at it for a second and says "Only to see where you're from...Yorba Linda huh?" and gives a chuckle. I smile and take the tickets. Everyone here is so nice. Walking through the mass of people, I look for Ryan wondering if I'll recognize him in the crowd. He's leaning against a sign post, dressed up nice with a messenger bag over his shoulder, and engrossed in a novel. Found ya. He definitely resembles the Ryan I remember as a kid lol.

The Broadway show was great. I had forgotten it since the last time I'd seen it ages ago. And instead of fold out chairs on the boucany level, these were first level center isle seats. Prime. At intermission, I went downstairs to the lounge to look for Aunt Margaret. It took a few minutes, but I found her and we all sat down to chat. I totally admire that woman. 81 and choses to work still...she says...they key to staying young is hanging out with young people. I think I get younger hanging out with her! She introduced me to her co-worker who exclaimed that Margaret can really make anything happen (I have no idea what she's refering to), and she gives me a big hug. Consessions are expensive here. $5 for a cheap bottle of water. She opens it up to us and gives us whatever we want for free...popcorn and water. And we head back up to watch the rest of the show. I laughed so much. Goodness I love broadway.

After the show we walked out through Times Square, which was absolutely packed with people at 10:30pm. Of course. We catch a subway from Grand Central Station (I was so excited to see it) to Union Square and grab some dinner at a sit down cafe chatting about life, New York, and catching up on the past decade. We have a lot in common, including being restless in the state we're in (he's stuck in a job and I'm still in school) and wanting to go out and explore the world. We call it a good night and he flags down a cabbie to take me home.

Josh is still awake and he tells me about his Trump Tower experience. I laugh because he decided to stay here instead of there for the night. He says he feels like he's being watched wherever he goes because of all the staff that keep trying to wait on him. Lol.

High Class

2008-09-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

I've gone from big fancy beds, to tiny beds in a confining room with dirty sheets, to clean sheets and a floor. And I'm loving it all. Admittedly, the floor doesn't work too well with my body. I'm more of a firm bed person than a squishy one, but I'm definitely sore waking up on the floor lol. Oh well, it's a roof over my head and I'm not going to complain. The hotel is pretty spooky really with it's high ceilings, large empty room, and tiny bathroom. There is a kitchen, but I hardly notice it since it looks like it's in a walk in closet lol. And get this...

I ask if there's any way I can get in during the day when Josh is gone. Sure he says, just walk up to the front desk and ask for 324. Everyone leaves the key at the front desk when they go out each day. And apparently anyone can then go in and ask for it. They don't know who I am. I just walked in one day and said with confidence "324 please" to which the guy reached behind him and handed over the key. I imagined myself saying "oh yea, and 350 too please" or something of the sort. You can just get a key to any room here. Oh yea, I feel real safe now. There are some residences here as well from what I hear. And others pay their rent with art, which explains all the random artwork and photography lining the walls. The place is really old. And the stairs have indents in them from the wear of people walking up and down it for so long.

Anyways, today is a day of shopping...and getting my nails done. :) I hadn't really shopped all summer, so I felt that I could treat myself out. A waterproof coat, a nice suit coat, a warm fancy coat, four shoes (Asics, Merrel, Adidas, and Timberland), and a dress from Peru. All on sale for about $250. I'm rather impressed with myself lol. It was time to upgrade from all my hoodies back home anyways.

Tonight Josh's dad is visiting NYC and has offerred to take us both out. I felt a little odd, but sure I'd love to come out. I had no idea what to expect really. I dressed up nice because it's what I like to do anyways, and wow it's a good thing I did. An Italian restaurant 8(?) floors up near Times Square where I've never seen service like that in my life...not even eating out with Aunt Judy and her husband (they would love it here btw lol). Everything was so classy and expensive I didn't feel like I deserved more than a glass of water...maybe a piece of bread. The place was small and men were dressed up in fine suites and women in classic dresses of elegance. It was like I was getting a peek into the life of the rich and famous. Okay, perhaps I'm taking it a bit far, but it was actually really exciting to me. A whole new way that people live...a different culture I never noticed right under my nose. He travels all over the world weekly...for fun! Yea I can't wait to be doing that...in my dreams. Anyways, the food was great and we finished up to catch a comedy show in Times Square. This was also great with our front row seating and drinks. Then when I thought it couldn't get any better, we went to the W for drinks at the bar. Oh my goodness. I know that I sound like a puppy that experienced life outside the house for the first time, but really was kind of what I was. Lol. And as always, I loved it all.

At the end of the night, his dad went back to his place in Trump Tower. And I went back that night and happily curled up in my sheets on the floor. :)

Day in Central Park

2008-09-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I stayed with Aunt Margaret in Manhattan and tonight I'll be in Chelsea crashing with Josh. I met up with Josh yesterday and we grabbed a bite to eat and walked around the City (and he showed me Google's NYC office...woooow). Today was wandering around Central Park all day. I was bummed because apparently the Metropolitan Museum of Art isn't open on Mondays. So I had wandered the park going in the general direction until I found it...and it was closed...bummer. Aside from that, Central Park is amazing. Absoluetly gorgeous. Nothing like Golden Gate Park. Sunny. Clean. Classic. I took my time and enjoyed my stroll.

Anyways, I gotta get back soon to grab some dinner with Josh so I jump into a cab and ask to take me down 55th Street to pick up my stuff. The cabbie finds out I'm from California and starts giving me a grand tour of the city pointing out this and that. He goes down 5th Avenue and points out the Rockafeller Center. I wait for him to pause and tell him that I'm interested in seeing it and I'll get out here. Ha! He makes a comment about this is what he gets for pointing things out. I'm like whatever dude and tell him that he passed 55th Street a few blocks back. C'mon, do I look like I'm a stupid traveler wanting to get ripped off by a cabbie. I don't think so. Anyways, my advice...watch out for them cabbies!

Thinking might as well, I walk through the Rockafeller Plaza, into a few buildings, through the outdoor setup viewing of the US Open, down and into Trump Tower, and then walk up to 55th to flag down another cabbie. There's a guy across the street to is whistling (as if to call a cabbie) and after a few of them I turn to look at him...mostly out of annoyance. Turns out he's whislting at me and he tells me to come over to his side of the street so he can call a cab for me. Turns out he's a doorman at this nice hotel I'm standing across the street from. Alright. I walk over and he tells some little man to go get a cab and this tiny man runs off with a real whistle down to the intersection waving his hands wildly. Haha if that's how you catch a cab I sure wasn't going to be getting one any time soon where I was lol. This doorman starts talking to me and he's nice enough. As he opened up the door of the cab, he told me to come back and check out the bar here, describing it to me. It sounded real nice. And it's got a view...very nice. Course then he had to finish his talk off with "Well bring your friends back to come check it out, that way I can see you again" with a little wink on the end. LOL. Okay no go. More of because I don't have time anyways. And who would I bring with me? Lol.

Port Jefferson, NY

2008-09-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

Well to sum up the last few days, I just relaxed on Long Island in Port Jefferson not doing much more than reading books, working on the www.naesc2009.com website, and eating good food for a good four days lol. Boring...yea kinda. Relaxing...yes. I think by the end I was definitely itching to get out and was a bit restless. But what can you do when you're stuck in some random country area not close to anything and with no transportation? And no plan. That was probably what did it for me. If I had more of a plan I'm sure it would have been different, but you know me lol...go with the flow.

I have to admit, I was definitely spoiled staying here. They gave me my own room, full access to anything I wanted, made me breakfast, and took me out to at least one huge meal a day...normally combining lunch and dinner because they were so big and lasted for hours. I considered this quite a bit much, but there's no use fighting it. They'll just order for you anyways, so I sat back and enjoyed it thoroughly. Expensive meals and good wine each night and service that waited on your every need and want. It was a bit much for my tastes as a college student and I'm not the demanding or picky type, but I enjoyed the time with my family. My point is that...I'm not complaining! Lol.

LAX to JFK

2008-09-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Took the red-eye at 10pm Wednesday arriving 6am Thursday morning in New York. I'm here! Now what? Lol.

My Bike Story

2008-06-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm hanging out at work late today. I'm thinking I'll get some other personal work done since I have such a nice spacious desk space, a fast computer, and nice environment. Back at home, my room still feels kinda dirty (I need to vacuum), and the sheets on the bed are still gross and sandy since I never got a chance to change or wash them yet...I just don't even want to use them I think I'll buy new sheets this weekend...jersey. The desk is old and warped and covered with all the stuff I put on there that I didn't use in the room (ie the bed sheets, lamps, an old record player, etc.). So I have to sit on the bed to do stuff and use the computer. I think I'd rather use my workspace at work lol.

Anyways I'm there late, also pumping up the body ball that I had requested to sit at my desk (it's loud and squeaky to pump up LOL), when another intern from Poly comes over and brings up grabbing some dinner. I'm thinking hmm cause dinner sounds good but I don't really want to spend more money. We head out to get dinner near First and Market and I grab my bike from the bike room since I don't like walking back home late from the Ashby station to home in Berkeley. Riding a fast bike seems safer than walking after dark lol. When we get to the general area, it's time to choose a place to eat so I park my bike on the sidewalk chaining it to a bike pole with my expensive fancy bike lock (not a U-lock mind you since my U-lock currently decided to stop working about a month ago). I run in through the frame and front wheel, taking a minute to take out the bike seat and put it in my backpack since I had suspicions that it would be taken. We must've walked around for an hour not finding anything we could agree upon. Finally we end back up at First and Market and he makes a comment about my bike still being there. Well...of course it's still there. It'd better still be there!

So finally I'm thinking I'm hungry and I settle on going lower class to Subway right next to my parked bike. We head in and take about 15 minutes to get my sandwich and eat it. I walk out and it's like a dream...one of those feelings where something is out of place, but you can't put your finger on what it is. I walk over to my bike. Where is my bike? I must've parked it somewhere else. I look down and see my lock. Oh no, did I not even lock my combo lock? I pick it up and see that it had been cut through with some heavy duty cutters. Whoever it is had made more than one attempt before successfully cutting through. No. Way. My bike was stolen. I've been in this city for less than a week. Effing eff. Sigh. My friend tried to talk about other things to take my mind off of it, which I appreciated despite not really showing it. I was pretty bummed. I wasn't mad though...it could have been worse...a bike is just a thing and can be replaced...but it was a nice bike...and it means there are so many bad people in this City...in this World. That's just disheartening. We grab some stuff at 7-11 down the street and head down to BART at Monterey. I get on my train towards Bay Point but in some last minute decision from my bitterness, I get off on Embarcadero. By coincidence, another friend who lives in the City calls me up to say hey and ask what I'm up to. I tell him what happened and that I'm headed up from BART to wander the City hoping to see some bum with my bike. Ha looking back on it, that was probably not one of my brightest ideas. He tells me to stay put and he comes to pick me up to grab dinner with another friend of ours since he didn't want me wandering the streets. I'm glad I have friends to look out for me when I make silly decisions like that. I'm not gonna lie though...I might have been more safe on the streets than inside his car LOL. His driving was nuts but we ended up getting every where very fast and...we got there. So I can't complain too much, but it was a crazy ride around the City. We all went out to Pizza Orgasmica...pretty much an erotically named Pizza place. Very...interesting somewhat disturbing names. "Oh waiter, I'd like a Manage A Trois please...make that half Kinky Cow. Oh yea and while you're at it, some Cream Between Her Thighs. Yes, that's all for now. Thanks."

We had taken seats on the ground table, so getting up afterwards felt good to stretch the legs out. My friend and I left town to drop me back off in Berkeley...that was really nice because getting home on BART this late would have sucked. Especially without a bike. I am still bitter. My roommate's response as I told him..."Wow, you just got here!" Yea, it sucked. Oh well, what can ya do. If you see someone walking around with (or on Craigslist lol) a Giant Mountain Bike, Silver, 21 speed, and no seat, you let me know.

Another Day at CNet Networks

2008-06-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

So yesterday after clocking out, I checked out one of the massage chair rooms and sat down in the Sharper Image chair. I've done a few massage chairs before and they've been...alright. But this one is awesome! I must've sat there for like 15 minutes almost falling asleep. They've got a music library in there too to put in the stereo and listen to. After dragging myself out of there, I stopped on the 3rd floor to try out some of the arcade games...free! I had to jet so I couldn't finish an entire game, but I'll definitely be back.

I just got my ergonomic evaluation and workstation modifications today at work. Not only that, but after looking around and talking to some other people, I requested a body ball to sit on at my desk. Someone delivered it up a few hours later new in the box. AWESOME! Haha I can now exercise in my bull pen lol (that's what we call our cubicle space because each cubicle square has four desks...one in each corner...and our cubicles are HUGE...I keep thinking I want to put a basketball half-court in the middle to fill the space).

I really like it here. :) CNet Networks rocks!

I had made some suggestions for the intern program here and Libby wants to meet with me and another intern tomorrow to talk about ways to improve the program. Sounds fun! Ironically it's almost like what I did last summer at IBM lol.

Exploring SF on Lunchtime

2008-06-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

I love coming to work each day. Still working out the kinks though lol. I got stuck on BART in the terminal and not enough money on the card to get out back to the streets of SF. So I walked tentatively over to an Add Fare machine and it spit out my money since I only had a 20 and it only took 1's and 5's. And no credit cards. Great. So the guy let me go out to get change as I left my bike behind the gates. Once I got back in and put in a 5, it spit me back all my change in quarters...lots of quarters LOL. I could have used all those quarters for meter parking at Poly! Anyways, I get my bike through and chink, the little doors close between me and my bike. Fantastic. I stand there thinking how funny it would be if someone had a camera right now and thanking God that a BART hadn't just unloaded. Some guy grabs onto my bike and I have a moment of panic that he's just going to take it out of my grasp, but he stands there and smiles and nods over to an attendant who looks over and ushers me through the emergency gate. Embarrassed, I say my thanks and walk off to buy another BART pass for my trip home later.

Something to note is the inconsistency of the public transportation. I had paid for a pass with a Visa before. Now they didn't take Visa cards at these kiosks. I walk over to a lady at the window and she says that none of the machines take Visa. I tell her I've paid for it at Ashby with a Visa before. She refines her statement to say that the Embarcadero, Montgomery, and Powell stations don't take Visa. I say oh and walk off. LONG BEHOLD, as I'm walking past another set of kiosks along a wall, one of them has a little Visa card sign that catches my eye. I think it's the only one. But I bust out my Visa and put 20 buck on a new BART pass. I'm convinced that they make it all this confusing on purpose just to mess with all of us...employees included.

Oh yea, and an older man asked me to marry him after I helped him put only a little bit of money onto a BART pass from a larger bill. He was very nice and I thought it was cute haha. To be honest, I hardly knew what I was doing myself since I just moved up here and all.

Steven came over here for lunch today. We gave him some free CNet food because it was Bring Your Kids to Work Day. LOL that statement sounds funny. Steven was our kid I guess haha. I had snuck some food a little bit earlier and found some other interns doing the same thing so I went up to eat with them in the gameroom on the third floor...Allison and Stephanie. Free arcade games yea! Anyways, with the free food that we didn't have to get else where, we spent the rest of our lunch break with Niklas exploring the city blocks at the Moscone center and surrounding parks and gardens. It was fun. I found out that there's a 24 hour fitness literally less than a block away from my work. I'm going to start making use of that for sure...just have to figure out how to plan it in to my weekly schedule with showering and bringing extra clothes and all.

Okay, well I think it's time to go back to the game room and go home. Everyone's been kind of playing today while I worked (feels more like studying) with their kids here and all, so I don't feel bad taking a break to the game room. Hmmm...better make it quick since I'm meeting Kimpers in Berkeley for dinner tonight. Okay, Michelle out! See ya.

Getting Home in Daylight

2008-06-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

So one of today's notables consisted of actually getting home before the skies got dark (I think it gets dark around here by 9pm or so). I got to see my landlord and his wife (she thought I didn't exist since nobody except Scot had seen me yet lol).

I was starved and didn't have any food at home, so I left and drove towards Berkeley just wandering around until I found myself on Shattuck Avenue and passed a Hawaiian BBQ place that made me U-Turn to go back to. I had a sugar low or something so waiting for the food was really a drain on my patients lol. My eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach so ordered too much and only ate like 1/3 of my food before packing it up to go and heading out. I had not idea where I was going...I didn't really feel like doing anything, nor going home, nor...I dunno lol. One of those wandering states of mind. So I just drove toward the direction of Berkeley and found myself back on Telegraph and then on the edge of the UC Berkeley campus. I parked and got out and started to walk, grabbing my backpack out of the back seat so nobody would think of breaking into my car and so I could look more like a student lol. It was getting dark, but there were so many students out and about!...like Cal Poly campus between classes. Okay maybe not that busy, but you get the idea. I call up a few friends whose calls I had missed earlier that day to talk while I walked, but just ended up leaving messages.

As I wandered past the library and alumni center, I got a call from one of my good friends from last summer and I plopped down somewhere in UC Berkeley's University Union to talk, staring at the fountain and clock tower over the treeline. It was fun I love talking and catching up with old friends. He made a comment that is very true...how he's all busy and I'm always busy and it's always nice when busy people can find time to still sit down and chat. It is nice. He'll be heading back to New Jersey for good in a few weeks, which I'll be sad about. While talking I got up again to wander and stumbled towards some music floating across the air to where I could see people dancing through the glass doors of a building. After finishing up my philosophical conversation, I wandered in and sat down next to a random girl named Marie and asked what was going on. There were dozens of people just break dancing in the middle of the building hallways, practicing and showing off. She was just as clueless as I was and had just come with a friend. We chatted a while before she left and I continued to watch. I had a few looks my way...I probably looked out of place there...oh well. Eventually I got up intending to just walk and wander more down the empty building hallways but ended up stopping and talking to a girl named Pernilla who looked like a dancer to ask what was going on. It was basically just an informal place for break dancers in the East Bay to come together and learn and practice together with different crews. I told her I was impressed and intrigued and she said I should come out to a battle sometime. I said I would totally come watch a competition, so she gave me a website, her number and said to call her and she'd be happy to teach me a few moves sometime. How awesome is that?

I headed out. Headed home. Met my other roommate Scott for the first time (yup another Scott spelt differently lol), and we chatted for a while...even talked about camping and he invited me to one of his gigs next Thursday. Sounds fun. His room is sweet...tons of instruments and tech stuff. I got ready for bed, and ended up talking to two more really good friends a good 20 minutes each before hanging up barely able to stay awake. I'm smiling right now. I predict being fast asleep within a minute from ending this sentence.

CNet Projects

2008-06-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

Went to lunch with my team today. Mmm Thai food. There are so many good restaurants around my work...as you can see. Sam sent me a link about CNet's plans for a new upgraded look. How funny because yesterday was the alpha launch of the new site and it was fun to see it being rolled out. I should note that it was fun for me to watch (all of us at CNet did) but my team was definitely more than a little stressed about it and it's high potentials for problems.

Anyways, here's the news article of CNet's New, Improved Look. Check it out.

I finally found out my last potential project that I can work on today too. I get a choice of supposedly one of three. I want to work on two, so we'll see if I can send that idea through (and complete it). One is a useful tool for my own team to gather information, and the other is actually on a different team for CNet TV.

I like this place. The City is still in limbo with my preferences, but this company and the people are great.

First Day on the Job

2008-06-24T01:58:00.000-07:00

What. A. Day!

Ha that could mean anything...the downfall of words on a screen and not being heard aloud. Of course I mean it in a good context. I had butterflies for sure, but admittedly they were kind of muted with all the other happenings of the day. What other happenings do you ask? Well, I'd get ready to laugh a bit (it's okay, I laugh at myself too).

Buzz...buzz...my alarm goes off and after hitting the snooze button a few times I drag myself out of bed. Four hours of sleep does not leave me waking up refreshed. But the early morning light coming in through all four of my tall windows is quite gorgeous so I stretch out my arms, smile and say good morning to Fish, and head off to take a shower. The tub is an old style tub (you know, the ones with four legs) and I reach over to turn on the water, which comes out nice and fresh. Now this is where it gets tricky...there's no pully thingy to activate the shower head. No buttons, knobs, levers...nothing. I am confused out of my mind and step in anyways hoping to find the magic of this shower. Well. I failed. That had to be the most awkward shower ever lol. I won't really go much further than that since I guess it wasn't officially a shower LOL. I figured it out later after getting to work and talking to Scott that you have to kind of reach inside the pipe and flip some plug. Now why didn't I think of that?? Sigh.

Now to get to work. I've got a bike that's in three pieces (frame and two wheels), some money, and some minor sense of direction. No map. No internet (apparently we don't get wireless at the house, it's hard lined and I don't have time to figure out where that is. I grab my backpack with potential things I might like to have for the day (packed a few hours before), and walk outside to my bike taking a few minutes to put it together and get my hands all greasy before hoping on and just picking a general direction with lots of traffic. I was told that there was a BART close by...somewhere. And I had remembered Kim making some side comment of "oh there's a BART" when we were driving around a few days before. I keep riding and stop a nice young man to confirm my suspicions of an existing BART and he says to keep on going. Yay I found the Ashby BART! Okay. Now what?

Lol I've seen these kiosks before when I went to SFO from Pleasonton over spring break to Minnesota. I go to an empty one and kind of quizically push buttons as the thing pings at me. It's too easy. I felt like I did something wrong. I finish and look behind me to find a line of about five people behind me. I swear the place was empty a minute ago lol. I move quickly out of the way and stare at the slots to walk through seeing how people got through and wondering how (and if) I can get my bike through. I'd heard they were allowed on BART, but wasn't sure. Some guy passing with his bike gives me the low down on getting through (there are no formalities), and the bike black out hours. I head on down. For some reason I get the feeling that bikes shouldn't be allowed on escalators, but I don't know how else to get it down...didn't look very hard for an elevator though there must be one lol. Grabbing maps, I stare and keep looking up at the blinking signs before picking a station and hoping on the BART that rolls through. It's not such a bad ride...kinda boring since I'm standing most of the time and with a bike I have to hold up and keep out of people's way. When I get to Montgomery, I hop off and ride up the escalator with my bike. This time, there is no wide exit to go through and I stand there wondering how on earth I'm supposed to go through the skinny stations with a bike until someone else lifts his up vertically on the back wheel and slides on through. Aha! So I do the same...a lot more ungracefully mind you, but it works.

It felt like the movies watching the City scene slowly rise into view as I ride up the escalator to the street surface from the caverns. I take a second to look around. I'm pretty aware that I'm close to my work and what general direction to go (based on somewhat of a memory of looking at a map last week), but I must've looked lost or shocked or something because one person asked me if I was alright, and another asked if I was lost. I smiled and said I was fine. Then headed on my way up 2nd Street. I parked my bike and locked it to a pole (someone had suggested a tree, but I couldn't get myself to lock my bike to a tree) before heading inside. I was 20 minutes late (surprising eh?). I went down to orientation, and found that I had missed nothing...just some mingling and waiting for people to take their ID photos. Libby wasn't even there yet.

Snap my photo, get my badge, get access to the bike room, go through orientation (this is gonna be a fun summer I'm sure) with the one other person starting today Jackie and go on a tour of the place (getting Libby to detour to lock my bike in the bike room she'd never even been to) before getting dropped off at the Ops area to begin my work. Jackie and I are the last interns to start of the summer. She works in corporate marketing. My eyebrows were definitely raised.

Work was fun. I went all over the place. Third floor was awesome with GameSpot taking up the floor. Every console and PC game imaginable down there with a studio, testing rooms, action figures, the works taking up the floor. I'm on the fifth floor and I like it up here...nice view from the side windows. I get introduced to everyone...I mean everyone all over the place, not just my team. It's great. Everyone is so nice. There's also a new hire that started today on my team named Sergey. It's nice to do all the training and learning with someone else. And I love my team...they are fun and dynamic.

After the day is over, Steven calls and comes by the office to check it out. I'd remembered he was in the City and sent him a message to hang out earlier that day. He came up and found me with Niklas to my surprise since I didn't know how he got in (Niklas obviously), and the fact that I'd been looking for Niklas earlier that day and never found him. We all walked over to North Beach area for some good Italian food and wine and a good time before heading back to Market to catch a show. There's nothing really good out right now, so we settled on Forgetting Sara Marshall. Oh my goodness my poor eyes! Lol I got a kick out of the movie, but it could have done without the crying men and full frontal male nudity. I would give it...not a very high rating. But it was fun none-the-less and the company was great. We jumped on a BART and parted ways to head home.

I met a woman on the BART home who smelled of beer and was a project manager for some company. We talked the entire ride back and it was good conversation. She's from Tustin down in the OC so we had a lot in common. She put me on the right connection BART and told me to be careful. I was kinda sketchy to begin with, but her fears of being mugged didn't help my own lol. I got off at the Ashby station and started to walk home. It's a LOT slower without a bike (I'd left it at work to walk around SF that evening) and 1am in the morning. My boss earlier that day had made a comment about how I lived in the hood lol. Well that didn't help either. I was tired and to be honest, yea...I was scared. I put my hood on and walked quickly down the streets and neighborhoods an ran up the steps to my haunted house (I'm just gonna call it that lol). I am tired! Falling asleep is never a problem these days lol.

New Summer, New Beginnings

2008-06-22T19:10:00.001-07:00

Ah the adventures of moving. It's almost like going back in time every time I move because of all the stuff that I uncover that I had stuffed under my bed or back in my closet. I'm bringing one car full of stuff up and hoping that's all that's going to be in Berkeley. Importantly I've got my bike, long board, documents, plenty of ready books, clothing, and computer stuff. I think the only furniture I have is my laundry basket, small book shelf, and a desk light. Next week I'll bring up my guitar and surfboards.

I'm gonna forget something that I use daily lol. Oh well I'll be back in a week. I also spent my time dancing around the house to music by Pandora and keeping myself entertained with YouTube lol. I didn't used to procrastinate on YouTube much until summer started. Here was my laugh of the day...M&M Cru Vs. ACDC. Dustin this reminds me of you!

Aside from this post and looking around my room for some little details (doesn't really look like I made a huge impact except for emptier shelves...and my car is full haha), this is my relaxing time before hitting the road and stressing about getting up to Berkeley at a decent hour...at this point it won't be a decent hour lol. I have yet to figure out how to use the BART or where it is! Nor do I know where to get off, how much it costs, or where my work is relative to BART in the City. Oh my life. Well it keeps things interesting. :) Oh yea and I'll pick up Fish from Will (thanks Will!) as soon as I head out. Notes to self. Call Sabi to see if she really really needs her stuff by this weekend, pick up my pillow that I left in Mountain View (probably not tonight) and get my money from Atherton from Cal Poly ASI!!! Sheesh I could use a few thousand dollars back in my account since banquet.

Okay. My nerves are calmed. Time to hit the road to Berkeley. First day of work is tomorrow. I've got the butterflies, but I'm smiling inside...this is going to be exciting!

I Got Berkeley

2008-06-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Got a call this morning from Scott in Berkeley. I got the place. :) Thank goodness I didn't have to start all over again from scratch. I've got some pretty awesome angels on my shoulder working their magic because even though I get all nervous I won't get the place I like...that's never happened. I've always ended up getting my first pick place to live at. Knock on wood.

Hopefully I won't have to deal with this kind of thing too much longer though. I've got a place for summer, a sweet place for fall, and then perhaps only one more house hunting adventure before the actually finding a permanent home to own a few years down the road. Of course, I hope to own a few places by then to rent out to others and make some kind of side income. I already have one place kinda dropped into my lap. Kinda like someone giving me a bike in a runner's race and not considered cheating lol. I should take advantage of that. Next question then is where.

Housing Discussions

2008-06-21T03:32:00.000-07:00

So here's my story of the day. Moral of the story...I'm not cut out for San Francisco. I'm too nice and I don't really want to harden up for the City life.

I woke up with a dry throat this morning because of the smell of weed wafting through the windows and corridors. It wasn't really strong, but enough to make me gag for some break of fresh air. I moved my car a few spaces to avoid a ticket, took a shower, and then took off to the last place on my list in the City. I got there fine. It was really hot today...they say it's always foggy in the City. Anyways, I get there and Daniel is waiting outside for me and I do my perfect parallel park and get out to say hello. He ushers me inside and shows me the place and his fish tank (a big point of the sublet is for someone to watch and clean his fish tank while he's gone). It's a lot smaller than I expected it to be. And not much room since his stuff will probably stay there. It's nicer than other places I've seen, but perhaps being a spoiled OC girl and then a spoiled SLO-Town gal, I really wasn't gung ho about the place. I tell him my standard "I'm looking at a few other places and will get back to you by tomorrow or the next day latest" routine along with "do you have any questions for me?"

He starts to chat about his life style and things about why his place is a great place and I'm keeping it conversational when all the sudden he cuts in with "I think we should keep in touch while I'm in China" to which my casual conversation pauses, and to make up for the silence I say "yea you should tell me how the teaching English thing on the side of traveling works out cause I'd like to travel someday and make a little income too." The comment had hit me, and then I'd let it slide. He says a few more things and asks me about my hobbies and lifestyle (hypothetically for if his place would be alright in my control), and then looks at his watch, picks up his coffee, and says "It's a nice day and there's that park I had mentioned just a block down. My next appointment to check the place out is at 1pm so we'd have plenty of time. Want to go for a walk around the park? We can walk and talk." Not thinking much of it, I smile and say sure. The park is really nice...for a city park...I guess. I'm still not a fan of San Francisco. Take me to a real park and we'll chat then...I'm talking like the Sequoias, Yosemite, Big Sur. But the dogs in the dog park were cute, and he told me more about San Francisco and his work. He seemed friendly enough and he's half Chinese half Dutch and surfs, but is out of my age range, isn't my ethnic attraction, and I'm just not looking for anything from the City. True I could just be reading into it that he seemed to like me, especially with giving me a hug at the end instead of a typical hand shake, but I'll still say the comment that I just kind of wish the City would keep it's grasps away from me. I am not interested in a San Francisco guy. Ha. Or maybe Russell is right. I just don't give anyone a chance and the guys I do like are somewhat oblivious (or would like to pretend to be so who knows). Story of my life.

Anyways, not necessarily because of the guy, but I'm crossing that place off my list. That only leaves me with one place that I really like. I called up Scott in Berkeley to tell him but I still have yet to hear from him. Hopefully early tomorrow. I don't think I have a second on my list. I'll probably scrap them all and start all over again...what an immense pain.

I grabbed lunch with Gloria in the Haight at Askew Grill. We walked around and got some kewl henna art at a tattoo shop for fun. Then went back to Chris' place, played some games, got some logistics worked out, baked some cookies, and went to Bucca di Beppos for dinner with her friends. It was fun. I'm bummed I missed the Brad Paisley concert though...majorly majorly bummed...totally didn't know it was today until it was too late. I could totally have gone. Oh well. I'm in Mountain View now with Leif. I love my friends...my wonderful friends. :) Thanks Leif and Justin for the roof over my head. And I must say that after all the place hunting I've been doing so far, this little apartment is luxury in comparison. I almost wish I could live here. A lot of my friends are down in this area too. Sigh.

Housing Decisions

2008-06-20T03:15:00.000-07:00

So I just put in and watched Little Miss Sunshine over at Kim's place. Cute movie. I was definitely like oh my goodness at more than a few points, but that's pretty expected lol.

At this point, I've been all over the bay area. I've almost got most of down in my head...from going places multiple times to getting lost to looking at my makeshift drawing of a map...I pick up a sense of direction pretty quickly.

I made six stops today. I think. We'll map them out and see.

[an hour later]

Seven stops today. Yesterday, I did three and didn't like any of them. Today I found one that I liked and two other potential backups. There was also a cool one on Alameda island, but that's just kinda ridiculous because if I missed the ferry (that's right, I'd take a ferry to work every day), then I'd be kinda screwed. But I sure do love that island. It's pretty much a deserted navy base. You can tell it was a happening place once upon a time...wish I could have seen that!

One more tomorrow in San Francisco. The ad makes is seem like a sweet place. But we'll see because it doesn't look to be near other public transportation in SF. My most prime option at the moment is in Berkeley. And it's pretty near BART. So if the SF place doesn't work out, I'm gonna try to nab it really fast.

Which brings me into thoughts of maybe being able to stay at a place for free down in southern east bay or peninsula. Should I even consider it? I'd have to ask too which doesn't mean it'd even be and option. But is it worth asking if I live that far from work? The thing though is that all of my Cal Poly friends are down there...which is really really nice. I'd love to see them more. Sigh...just can't have your cake and eat it too.

House Hunt Update

2008-06-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

The process of finding a new place to live has to be one of the most time consuming, patience testing, snipe hunting games to be played. Either that or it falls out of the sky and is handed to you on a golden platter. The latter of which is not the case lol. But still, I'm optimistic. They all like me fine, but I can't seem to find a place that I like. Maybe it's cause it's the bay area lol...still not a fan.

Checked some places out today and who knew they would take so long to drive to and find? It was pretty much an hour for each place (mostly because of all the driving and getting lost). Funny thing is that some wouldn't give me directions up front and said to call them on the way. Omg never say okay to that since that is just asking to get lost...miserably. They would speak in accents so thick that I had to ask to repeat two or more times. I just told them my reception was bad on my phone though lol.

In the end, I didn't like the three places I saw today, although one of them is at the top of this huge hill that overlooks...everything...in Berkeley. Just as much as the location though, I want some good fun roommates.

As I lie here in this futon bed in San Francisco, my mind keeps wandering to things that really matter in life. Or more like...what things matter more than others. And I find myself missing a lot of things about SLO, including the people...the wonderful people...my friends. As well as a certain friend who might not be there when I get back in the Fall (there's a few people, so I can say that publicly since you'd never guess! Lol). Basically, it would have been great to know em better.

Okay time to turn out the lights, charge the phone for another day, and shut the windows so Mary Jane can't seep in and strangle me by the throat like she seems to be doing. Ugh. Good night!

A 23rd Birthday Story

2008-06-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

I had no idea what to expect of today. As usual, I knew there'd be some chaos, some delays, but I don't think I stopped smiling today. :)

To prep the week my family was here for graduation this weekend and it was a blast! Stressful in a sense yes, and a bagillion pictures, but it made me feel so special that everyone was there. I went downtown to meet some friends that evening (leaving the fam at home) and the guy at Mother's Tavern says "Cover is 10 bucks no discounts tonight" without even looking up at me as I hand him my ID. He stares at it for a few seconds and I'm shuffling my feet and he looks at his watch then at me and says "It's two days til your birthday, you can get in free" and waves me in. How fun! I wasn't out long considering I got there past midnight but I just wanted to see my friends and old roommie.

Today was amazing. I woke up and finished my paper and sent it off while talking to a few people online and making silly jokes. Took a shower. Met Dan and Melissa for lunch at Gus' and had so much fun in the presence of good company. Dan I am so glad we are such great friends...how looking back I can see all the times you guys were there for me and I appreciate it a lot. Melissa I love to see our friendship grow...so you'll be in Chicago...that doesn't have to change anything.

Of course I completely overlooked the time and when we parted ways I raced home to everything I hadn't packed or prepared yet for my road trip to the bay area. I was slightly stressing until I walked up my driveway to see flowers on the doormat. So beautiful! Thanks Mom! I carried them inside, tidied up the house a bit and threw things into bags without really taking time to decide what I'd need and didn't need. I stuck clothes in the dryer before heading out and paused in front of the sink of dirty dishes before deciding I really couldn't take care of them right then.

I do a scan of my room and realize that Fish is just swimming around his bowl and I'm thinking oh no. I can't think of anyone in town off the top of my head until I pick up the phone and call up Will. :) So Fish won't starve now thanks to more good friends. Thank you Will! Although your face when you picked it up questioningly made me laugh. That Fish is special...he knows all my secrets!

Off to pick up things for Sabrina and Amy and I jet out of town to Fremont. The drive up was filled with hellos from Julie, Cameron, Kyle, and Tyler. I had to call Sabi because I realized that I had no idea how to get to Olive Garden myself LOL. It worked out perfectly really. I got there 15 minutes before 7:30 (my rescheduled time lol) and people showed up in a timely manner. A lot of my friends also don't know each other. That's how I role lol...new people, new friends for you. :)

Dinner was amazing! Not necessarily the food though it was good...but I couldn't stop smiling thank you all for such a wonderful evening. The stories kept me laughing and I found out something new about everyone for the most part. I recall sitting there letting all the chatter well up around me drinking my margarita and just lost in my own thoughts about how everyone came together to this one moment. In other words, you are all from such different backgrounds and with different interests and yet you come together at this time and place together. And my life has been touched by each and everyone one of you in different ways...we have a history and a story and an ongoing friendship that...makes me smile.

Thanks to everyone who came out again! It means more than you know. :)

And thanks Sam for the roof over my head, internet access, and jenga. Wish me luck on my summer house hunt this week! :P

College Golf Tourney

2008-06-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been a long day. I had to drag myself out of bed once again this time for an 11am breakfast lol. Mmm apple pancakes homemade. Then it was time to jet off to help out the CENG Golf Tournament at the SLO Country Club. High rollers! Geeze I wish I had dressed up more lol.

So here I am the only student at this function welcoming guests...some who would look at me and smile as I greeted them and others who would never even notice I'd said hello. Everyone was very nice though. Proper...I'd say not lol. A lot of them had played golf that morning, and I was on the shift for the wine tasting function. So that's what I did. :) I had my glasses of wine and fair share of cheese and veggies. I talked to reps from Raytheon and the CENG staff. I made friends with Bill Swanson's personal driver (wall-be) who convinced me to stay for dinner and talked with me the rest of the afternoon. As well as Kurt whom I'd been my Raytheon contact with for the past two years and finally was able to meet in person. People at this event were...whew...the titles were almost overwhelming. It was a small group really. President Baker, Dean Noori, all the rest of the important CENG staff...Joe, Debbie, Donna, Jeff, Zahed...Department Chairs like Dr. Griffin from Biomedical and Dr. Puig-Suari from Aerospace. CEOs from Raytheon like Bill Swanson and from Northrop Grumman and Boeing Integrated Defense Systems.

I like the keynote speaker's line stating that with all the defense system head honchos, this is probably the safest place we could all be right now. Either that or a gigantic target on the map.
I got a very nice Cal Poly polo and hat. Very nice. Perhaps I'll be back someday on the corporate end. Someday. It is fun to be wined and dined!

Meetings Galore

2008-06-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning and race out of the house to my first meeting at 9am with Donna for ESC stuff. Then it was off to the LCM house for Peer Minister meeting which I predicted would take a while, but am worried about how long these meetings will last next year. I just don't have that kind of time! Anyways, it was good and very productive and Cameron and I went over to Tyler's house to have a final lunch with him before he and Cameron left for the summer. Ty had made pesto pizzas (omg it was amazing) from scratch and I stuck around in the Patricia house after lunch divulging into my novel "The Memory Keeper's Daughter". I should have been writing my papers. I should be writing my papers now. But the nice thing...I finished my book yay! Literally one minute before my next meeting at 5:30pm...another LCM Team meeting with the adults. Free Mama's Meatballs mmmm. Then it was home, some time to get things done (not much mind you), and then off to the Grad with Will for a night of dancing.

Now that's a story lol. I got a call from a friend that evening asking for a ride to the Grad that night. When I called him back to confirm, he said he couldn't go, but his friend would like a ride. Anyways, after talking to his friend, I said alright and picked her up from the dorms. It was just so random lol. I stopped by to pick up Will and we headed off! Oh it was fun. Of course. As always. :) I nodded my hello to the bouncer who normally checked IDs on the way in. He knows me now and I should get his name next time for formalities sake. I don't even have to show my ID anymore these days lol. Will picked partner dances up pretty quickly actually and it made me smile to see him try the line dances. There have definitely been times I've taken people who just sit on the side like wallflowers and find it mandatory to have their liquid courage before stepping on the dance floor. That always annoyed me just a bit. But this night...this was fun.

It was also great to see Dustin there. One of the smoothest dancers I know. Another CSC Grad student...goodness he's done with his thesis already! I remember taking undergrad classes with him and working long hours on those class projects...and now he's done! I'll miss him for sure he was a great friend and always made me smile. It was his last night at the Grad and probably the last time we would dance and he makes it so much fun cause I don't mess up much! Lol. Anyways, he finally showed off some of his swing moves after my ongoing requests, and I regretted it as soon as he started because he was really really good and I felt totally incapable. But the blues dancing was fun I'd never done that before...properly lead at least. Hot hot hot lol. I'm pretty convinced that all guys should learn how to dance (or at least be open to it).

After some fun dancing it was off to donuts and Leo, the donut man! As it turns out, Will and I share the same favorite donut. Who knew? Chocolate Rainbow Sprinkles. Highly recommended I tell ya. I like the regular rainbow sprinkles too.

What Now?

2008-06-12T02:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm disjoint from this life. I still have passions and I love everyone and everything...but at the same time, it's like I'm not attached to anything. I want to be with everyone, and yet I don't. And there is nobody here that has enough grip on me to move me...move my heart. Maybe that's why I feel so disjoint.

Not that I'm worried. Perhaps it's the hype of so many friends graduating and moving along while I still remain. And so many more getting engaged before my story has even begun. More people with set plans of adventure while I still don't know where I'll be in a week. And others with opportunities and access that I don't know how to get. Last summer there was someone who was always around for me to call often when I wanted to...at least one good friend that I was close to at each phase of my San Jose summer. Most of those people are tied down now with girlfriends. And others are heading down to Southern California or out of state. How I long for my Southern California roots and familiarity. When I'm there, I never hear anything about this whole Nor Cal vs. So Cal Pride...people really didn't care where I was. But when I'm here in SLO and up in the bay, it becomes a big thing and I don't know why.

Perhaps I'm just not in the mood at the moment. I would not make the effort to introduce myself to someone new nor do I care to scan the crowd for a face or personality that attracts me. Yet I know that when it comes down to it, it's what I do in the adrenaline rush of a new setting. I guess that I am scared of what's to come...and at the same time unsatisfied that it is not more extravagant and mysterious as a trip out of the country or a road trip with friends. But I guess I shouldn't doubt myself too much. That's how I roll...too free for my own good. So much that I'm confident enough to get a place within a week and not having a place during that time..."winging it" if you will.

Oh dear. What am I getting myself into lol.

Dead Week Weekendness

2008-06-08T23:39:00.001-07:00

My Current Location: Computer Science Grad Lab. Feet up on the couch for a stool and facing a blank wall. With Will working (working? he was totally procrastinating a few minutes ago) somewhere facing another blank wall. Oh the life of a computer science student.

Recent realization: I have a lot of grad student friends.
What that really means: I am old and should have graduated by now.

So what happens when someone asks if you blog. And then why don't you have it linked to your Facebook account. I laugh on the inside and debate whether to tell them that my blog IS linked to my Facebook account, or just nod and smile. Mostly because I'm sure that lot of things I write in here are embarrassing! Well, not that the time, but perhaps in hindsight. At the same time I'm not embarrassed enough to delete it...or not write it haha. I'm just telling the story of an ordinary girl with flaws, who's gone through heartbreak, and who likes to think everyone in the world has a big heart...or should have a big heart.

Anyways, I will tell two stories. My story for today. I spilled sour cream all over my pants and sweatshirt. So now I smell of sour cream gone bad. But I'm too lazy to get up and go all the way home. So I continue to sit in the grad lab lol. I'll probably leave after this since I'm not studying and that's what I'm here to do...sigh.

My story for the weekend is kinda nuts. Starts on Thursday bike night being somewhat what I felt was ditched and then stood up for line dancing from a friend. But hey, it happens right? Then on Friday going to a kick-ass CPE Banquet (not as good as CSC though!) and helping them set up. It was fun because I got to hang out with my Vicky and Ebrah...so much fun! Went back to town and picked up my bike from Joel's. And then stopped by a friend's place where everyone was young and I felt old and out of place (ah I'm a predator! lol) and a boy tried his charm on me haha. Nothing to tell I promise. Saturday was Camaroon's surprise orange birthday, blacklight party, and downtown with the underage 18 year old Ausies with fake IDs. They were a hit at the bar but I went to hang out with my own friends...though I love the accents I won't lie. Sunday is church, meetings, and studying all day. Lol despite the sound of it, I did study a lot this weekend. I should be right now. Right. Okay okay I'm going...

2008-05-24T16:59:00.001-07:00

Movie time. :)

2008-05-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Not like in a depressing way or anything. But just kind of like...why is my life not the life like those I see around me? People are interested to see where I'll end up in 5 years. So am I. But why? The normal graduate college. Get a job. Get married. Have kids and raise a family on a foundation of good morals. Ha, as if that's the world these days anyways lol. Well, I do want all that. But that's the thing...I really want it to be that way (maybe with a little flare lol). I'll graduate eventually. Leave behind a legacy. Travel the world and find love...not lovey dovey in-love stuff...but love...the real I choose to stand by your side love (lovey dovey crazy is good too lol). I want a job that makes a difference in the world, or supports me to make a positive difference in the world. I want to have kids...definitely more that one...definitely not more than three or four. And then I want to be a Mom...super mom if you will. Not to strict...there are some things you have to learn on your own to really understand...but definitely set a good example and lay down the rules. And I want to curl up in the protection of my man's arms every chance I get.

Sigh. But who knows what path God will lead us down. Ah the river less traveled. Or create a new river path. Who knows. Patience. I will have patience.

Stories of My Life

2008-05-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

So. When do I have time to just hang out, take advantage of an empty house, and watch movies all night long? Uh...practically never!

Three day weekend. Friday night. Don't feel crazy enough to go out. I got work to do. Why not catch up with the rest of my life?

So what's on my mind...

It's wondrous how the river of life seems to change paths and take side roads...and you don't even know that you're deviating from the main river...nor do you know when or if you'll be coming back. Not that I'm far. But I feel like I've lived three completely different life styles over the past school year...one for each quarter I guess if you want to split it up. I recall in fall spending almost all nights in the library...being homeless for two weeks or so...the friends (just happen to be guys) who had most influences in my life were gone for the quarter (which isn't a good or bad thing). Winter they came back and I spent a lot of my evenings in the SDL studying pretty much every night. Spring quarter brought new people and a new light in my life. Old frustrations left me finally and a new calm set in along with a much better living location. I haven't gone out partying much this year I've noticed...just really haven't cared...although I won't lie there have been some times when I've wanted to go crazy on the dance floor again like before. Ha, I bet that not many people (and definitely not my new friends) can imagine that!

Anywho...

I can't sit and rewrite my entire spring quarter thus far. Although there have been some stories I might tell at random. An interesting one falls on Mother's Day weekend. Let's make this as short as possible since I'm starting to get sleepy (short? yea right). Let's see. I get an email on Monday the week before for an invite to an Anita Borg Banquet for Sun Microsystems for that Thursday the same week. I'm thinking...oh man I can't go to that it's in the middle of the school week all the way up in San Jose. So I don't reply. Wednesday I get an invite confirmation to the banquet and I'm like wha? Then I get an email from Wendy (the university relations manager) saying that she's heading up and if I wanted to hitch a ride there and back same day. I thought well then that's a possiblity...but she wanted to leave at noon, which would make me miss all my classes of the day. I scroll down to some previous conversations and notice that they've still got two spots to fill and it's the day before the event. Gears turn. I call up Wendy and I talk to her about a few people who I thought might be good to come up. Her first response..."Michelle, remember that these are gift seats." In other words..."Michelle, you can't just bring anyone sheesh." C'mon...do I really look like I can't acknowledge good talent? I justify my proposals and her decisions change to..."Yes, definitely invite..." I'm thinking it's not even going to work anyways because it's the day before the event...talk about last minute notice. But...if it did, I figured it'd work out for everyone. I could hitch a ride up with him later in the day and not miss classes. He gets to go to a banquet, meet the company reps personally, and go home early for Mother's Day weekend. Sun gets to meet another one of Cal Poly's finest. I was planning to get a ride back that night with Wendy, and then head down to Orange County after classes on Friday to hang out with my mum.

And so it was. Wednesday midnight after Crusade and Yogurt Creations the verdict with Joel was...this is crazy...let's do it. Thursday morning I find out...what?? Mom you're in San Francisco? from a message she'd left me. So plans changed. I drove up...blindly mind you because I wasn't able to get a hold of my mom, nor did I know where she was staying or when or for how long. But how cool would that be if it worked out...I got to see her in SF and I was going up there anyways. (I mean, I'm dying to go back to So Cal, but this would save the full California road trip). So I do the normal...I wing it. :P Russell and Michelle style lol. We hit the banquet right on time. It was fun, inspirational, and good for networking. I think Joel wants my job lol. Afterwards, I didn't know if his sister was going to pick him up or not, but due to not thinking before hand, I just opted to drive him all the way back to his hometown. Mum was around somewhere with some friends from what I'd heard. And any friend or family that I could have just called randomly at 10pm were in San Jose (only a few miles from where we were actually). But I couldn't leave Joel stranded lol. So it worked out alright. Dance party in the car to his place where I was skeptical to stay the night since he was surprising his parents. In other words, they didn't even know he was coming home. How awkward would it be for there to be a random girl sleeping under their roof without asking permission first...even if it was his sister's room? Luckily! He walked in the door and his mom was still awake. (thank goodness) So I met her and she said of course! And we all hung out for a while before hitting the sack.

The next day I had no plans since mum was in the conference all day. So I opted to help out Joel's family. I didn't do much...just lined things with tape in preparation for painting. Their family is amazing...I guess I just love the interaction they all share with each other. Ha they thanked me for helping, but I was the one who was in great company. It was fun. And they bought me lunch which was nice...mmm Chipotle's. I must admit, that east bay isn't too bad...and Walnut Creek is pretty darn nice. Though you won't hear me just saying that randomly out loud very often lol.

I headed out in the late afternoon to San Francisco to find my mum. I had been given a map which helped, but I impressed myself with my memory from LSM Spring Retreat to find Geary Street and follow it (backwards on side streets) downtown to the Monaco hotel. I always knew where I was and where I was headed, but it took a while to get the 'darn one way, no left turn during certain hours, waiting patiently for pedestrians' right. I put my car in a 24 hour garage, and felt like Paris & Nicole on the Simple Life with not enough cash and a little pout. I offered to get more money from my parent inside the hotel. The guy just smiled and said don't worry about it. I said..okay. :P

And so the family adventure began. I love hanging out with my mom. But my step-dad was there and I honestly don't like spending much time with him. He just complains a lot. Silly things like if we stop to see something, he gets impatient and says let's keep walking so we can get "there"...which I think is dumb because it's not like stopping less and walking more is going to get us anywhere faster...we don't have a destination...we're just exploring. Anyways, I won't get into it.

We had dinner that night at a fancy fish restaurant...fancy 'expensive' seafood restaurant. It was fun. I always make it fun lol. After that we went to a recommended Cobb's Comedy Club where I was pleasantly impressed with the stand up that evening (it tends to be a hit or miss I feel). Mom and I had a few drinks together (now that doesn't happen often lol). I really liked the story from Jim from The Office and the guy's wife's free pass lol. And I totally agree with second hand drinking effects and have similar murse stories. Went back to explore the hotel some and hit the sack. The next day was breakfast, exploring, Embarcadero, Fisherman's Wharf, Ghirradelli, then heading out of the City.

Ah...but to leave the City scotch free? Of course not. The parking garage story. I give them the ticket for my car and a little man runs off to get it two blocks away. And the guy, and older short hispanic guy from Oakland starts up a conversation with my mum and I. It's casual...the norm where you from what are you doing here stuff. Then blurts out 'so what's your number?' The list of things that goes through my head..."omg is this guy asking me for my number ie hitting on me...oh maybe it's for my car or something...oh how silly of me to think that he'd be hitting on me in front of my mom." To which I start laughing and my mom does the same and this guy follows suite waving his arms like oh no no not like that. Then he stops and says it again "so what's you're number?" I'm confused, and so I say "for what?" To which he replies "Oh I think it'd be nice if we could talk maybe once a week?" I politely say no that's okay and he asks again. So I tell him he can give me his, but I don't give out my information. He says that I should. I say I can't. He says yes I can. I've stopped laughing at this point. My mom had already walked away trying to contain her laughter. I'm I'm like oh man! I remember why I don't like San Francisco! The whole ordeal was so funny/awkward too because he was just so blunt with a casual shy hesitant smile on his face as if he was talking to me about innocent questions like my favorite color. My car finally came and he helped me pack it and told me to come back next time as he waved goodbye.

And so we drive off and good riddance. To Atherton we go. There's a party going on there so homemade food is in abundance. Better than any food we could have paid for in San Francisco. Mom wants to see a friend. I have the car and I don't want her driving it alone at night. So I take her to Milpitas to visit her old high school friend and make up some excuse not to stay. What to do in the meantime? Hmmm. Hey Jimmy! Lol he lets me crash his party of old high school friends last second. This was completely unplanned...just winging it Michelle style lol. They drank, talked, an had their high. I took one tequila shot for Jimmy's graduation and cut it off from there. I've decided that it's not good for me to drink unless I'm on the town or on some adventure. Any kick back thing indoors and I'll be going to sleep early that night whether I like it or not. His friends really liked me for the hour that I stayed. I just missed my Jimmy and his IBM comments lol. He won't be here anymore this summer. *tear*

Anyways I take off and pick up the mum and head back to Atherton where I fell asleep promptly and woke up way to early the next day to take mom and pa to the bus station. Waaay to early lol. Indeed I was sad to leave my mum. And so here I was...now what? Kimmers is somewhere in San Jose so I give her a ring and head on over to her friend's house. We wake everyone up and make breakfast (I got to be the assistant chef yay). I love meeting new people lol. You can leave whatever impression on them you want...preferably a good one. A friend calls me back and we decide to hang out later that morning. I take Kimmers to the Cal Train and spend the rest of my morning playing tennis with my Nate-dawg...my Jersey boy. Nate I absolutely adore you! Lol I love my friendsies. He's got plans to go back to Rutgers this fall and the girlfriend is going with him...I don't know her very well but from what I do I like her a lot too. Doesn't make me feel so young anymore since he'll be back in school...but he also won't be here again this summer.

Anyways, after losing track of time, I take a speedy five minute shower, give Nate a big ole hug running out the door with un-brushed hair, and take off to look for my passengers back to SLO. I would have been there on time had I gotten off the freeway and made a right instead of a left! Darn. I was waiting at the wrong gas station the whole time. When I finally do get it right and head back over the freeway, I laugh to myself as I see Joel and Scott just standing on the side of the road with their luggage on the busy busy street. I pick em up and we start our trip down to SLO. Fun ride! I love road trips in good company. Joelle drove part of the way and I just laughed a lot since those two together are hilarious. They said I was quiet, but what was I supposed to say when they talked about things I didn't know and about bachelor days as if a girl wasn't even there? Ah well. We make it back and I head over to play what's left of the soccer game. Then I go home, do homework, and call it a good day.

Minnesota

2008-03-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Whew. It's been quite a past few days. [I'm getting pretty annoyed on my laptop because for some odd reason, my "U" key doesn't quite work normally. I have to press it down really hard for it to type a "U". Ugh...] On Sunday night, I got pretty much no sleep because I was moving to Highland all day and then sending out last minute messages and doing work work all night. I took a shower at 3:30am, proceeded to work some more, and then fell asleep by 5:30am. I was up and about by 8am and scrambling to do some last minute rummaging from my old place and drove over to my new place to pack for my week-long trip to snow-cold Minnesota. My ride up to SFO was to leave at 9am and I hadn't started packing yet...shewt.

I was ready by 9:30am and I headed out with PJ, Marc, and Tyler up to Cameron's new place in Dublin. What a beautiful place they have. I think they only moved in a few months before. We had lunch and headed out to take BART all the way to SFO. It was a fun adventure. I can't believe that I didn't pass out on the way there from lack of sleep. We were able to get to the airport, through all the security and to our gate without any problems. All the other people we were meeting at the gate seemed to get there right on time as well.

Off we flew on our 5:50pm flight out of SFO directly to Minneapolis, MN. I sat next to a wonderful girl around my age named Kayla. We had the most interesting conversation the entire four hours of the flight about backpacking, traveling, Europe, relationships, and medical topics. To my right was an older man (86?) named Dick who loved to talk about his life as a teacher, his current partial ownership of an Irish Pub called Merlin's Rest, and his own medical issues. We all laughed a lot and I'm delighted in a new friend. I feel like I'll see her again someday. :)

After getting off the plane and grabbing our bags, we checked to make sure our buddy was there (Ebrah, you there buddy???) and headed off in our rental vans (oh yea, and after the snowball fight) to Rushford...about a 2.5 hour drive south-east. Got into the church bunkers by 2:30am and proceeded to get settled in and hit the sack. Once I was out...I was ouuuuuut lol.

Woke up by 9am (I should mention this is 7am California time), ate breakfast, and headed out for an orientation and off to work. We worked in someone's basement (I hope we get to meet her!) pulling out nails and screws from bare beams (sheet rock and insulation had already been torn out). By lunchtime, we had ordered new Styrofoam insulation and were cutting and sizing them into pieces to fit between the wooden beams. We got through about halfway before wrapping up to head home for dinner. Shower and bible study on hospitality followed with some hang out time and discussion on random topics afterwards leading up to now.

They're all asleep now and the place is dark and quiet. I've got to finish planning my own devotional for tomorrow night and keep tabs on what goes on during the day so I can write a more formal article on all this later. We've already taken a lot of awesome pictures lol. I guess my last thing is that there is something wrong with my lower left leg (kind of just above my ankle). I don't know what it is, but it hurts a lot to touch, move, walk on, everything. Pretty much it is somewhat uncomfortable at all times unless I'm sitting and have it elevated. Doing things like walking or moving the skin or my foot is pretty painful. I keeps me from being more exciting during the day because I don't want to move much or dance around merrily with my power drill and hammer. It really bothers me, but I don't know what to do about it and I don't want other people to be bothered by it. I'm thinking something along the lines of a hairline fracture, but I really don't think that's what it is. All I did was accidentally walk into something two days ago. There's not even a big bruise or anything. I'm baffled, but hoping it goes away on its own.

Okay, bedtime. I'm the last one awake and also the one who needs sleep the most! G'nite world!

Divided

2008-03-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! Again! Lol get this...so I take a much needed shower this morning and realize that I moved all my clothes to Highland! So I'm wearing some very mismatching winter get-ups right now. I'll have to make a trip over to Highland before church. Better head out like...now!

I can't wait until Tyler is back in SLO-Town! :)

Okay, gotta jet...see ya!

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T02:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! I have to admit...right now I really miss my dad. I'll be picking Easter Lilies for him tomorrow.

Good Friday

2008-03-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

What a good day. And I didn't even get everything done (oops). But it's a good ending to a rather stressful finals week.

I was up pretty early this morning. By 8:15am I was in the shower and at 9am talking on the phone with a Boeing representative to talk about an internship offer. 9:30am I was at Apple Farm a half hour early listening to music in my car and reading a book after making phone calls to the CSC Department and a few ACM officers to track down lost money. At 10am I walked in with my wonderful friends of five years Kendra, Chris G., Dan, David, Matt, and Ryan for our annual end of the quarter breakfast at Apple Farm. Our group is dwindling. We already lost a few last quarter, and this quarter we'll be losing four more. :( But hopefully these breakfasts will continue until at least two are left. I love talking with all of them and laughing comes so easy. I was sitting there eating my scone and thinking about everything that's gone on in each of our lives over the past five years. How each one of us has a different story, and has already been through such highs and lows with other people and friends, and still...history brings us all back together today. It's like a narrative movie...the camera pans on each person and I get to describe them in a still frame.

We take a picture together for old times sake...

Wow I think this is the first time I've ever uploaded a picture into my blog. I should backtrack and add for other entries lol.

After Apple Farm, it's a lot of hugs and goodbyes and then it's off to campus to take care of some departmental stuff with Diane and Cindy. Apparently some hard earned sponsorship money is somewhere out there, cashed, but not by us! Plus doing some new faculty candidate evaluations and working traveling logistics for Chicago are in order.

I send a quick text to a friend who had mentioned a BBQ the night before. I don't have any plans, and I'd love to see him again before everyone leaves town. He replies and after I finish my errands and talk to Nate in the hallway...let's get off topic for a second here...so I see Nate in the hallway and he's off to take his last final. The kid is wearing earth colors, slacks, suspenders, and filled in his shirt so he has a gut. It was hilarious. He's about to walk into the men's bathroom to put on his beard and I say that I've got to see this so he says come help me out and changes direction walking right into the women's bathroom instead. I'm thinking whoa! Haha but it was funny and I like the boldness. The guy at the drinking fountain next to the bathroom just starred lolz. I love the great people in my life.

Anyways...back from the tangent...I swing by to pick up my friend at his apartment and I feel like a jerk because even though I'm trying to get off the phone with another friend, she keeps talking so when he comes out I barely even get to say hi. That was really rude of me and I feel bad. But then, I feel even worse because right after I hang up I get another call from a Disney recruiter. I know that it's crunch time and I've been getting calls all over the place from companies giving me their final pitches to work there..."you are one of our strongest candidates" and "the managers kind of had to fight over you" and "you stood out because you're different from the rest of the people we interviewed." I love to hear that, but who knows how many people they say that to. I know that if I don't pick up, it'll probably end up being a game of phone tag, so I take the call and my poor friend just sits in the car waiting oh so patiently. The recruiter does some kind of psychoanalysis of me and she's actually pretty accurate. Despite how different I am from the other candidates and that she said that I would want to expand out and not stay in their group for long, she still wants to move forward with the offer and bring me down to meet me in person. I thought that was cool. We'll talk again on Monday.

Well...after the conversation, we take off to barely a mile away and stop at a nice corner house on California. I didn't know what to expect. I had kinda thought it would be a household who's roommates had all invited friends. This wasn't the case. It was all guys, and all a very close-knit group of guys. I almost panicked because I didn't know anyone and felt like I was intruding on their space. But hey, March Madness was on to make everything all good. Plus the guys were pretty chill. And after getting to know them better playing some volleyball at the rec center, I think they're a pretty awesome group. What a fun crowd. It was a great ending to my finals week. And thank goodness I didn't suck really bad playing volleyball haha...just a little bit. :P
My friend was really sweet and waited for me to grab my stuff while his friends took off. I don't know why I drove him home afterwards. I keep forgetting that he lives like...right next to campus.

It was then back to the Grad Lab to finish up some work and hang out. We played a few games before I took off for Good Friday service at Grace with Kendra, Linz, and David. They all leave tomorrow morning and I might not see them all again together! :( I'm missing out on Tahoe, which is where that whole group of friends is going since I opted to go to Minnesota instead. It's okay...I don't regret it. But I forgot to take into account that Tahoe would have been one of my last fun experience with my freshman year friends. They're graduating and leaving me...I'm going to miss them dearly...especially Kendra cause she was my best girlfriend in the CSC Department. A girl always needs her best girlfriend in the CSC Department lol.

AJ the Mutt

2008-03-20T00:38:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that my mom plans on giving our dog away?! I'm sooooo sad! I'm so in love with AJ. But apparently the rest of the family at home doesn't do their part in proper training so he pees in the house a lot. Honestly, I don't think it's because he's dumb. It's because of habit, and because the guys in the house are too lazy to open the back door for him to go outside. AJ will wait at the back door when he has to go.

He's very unique. A mutt...a very smart mutt. He's not a dog that goes around just doing his thing and content when people want him to come to them, or to pet him, or put him in his cage. This dog is clever and witty. He'll get out of his cage somehow some way. He knows when you want him to come to pet him and play vs. pick him up and give him a shower. It's weird...this dog actually assesses his decisions. He'll pause and cock his head, then make a decision and stick to it. He's also got an attitude. He's more human than any dog I know. And when I think of human, I think of a teen in his rebellious years. Of course...a very popular and lovable teen in his rebellious years. He's a good dog though and a very good cuddle buddy. I love him so much! I wish I could keep him up here in SLO with me, but alas, my lease says no pets. Sigh.

Jobs and Life

2008-03-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

Goodness it's midnight already. Why can't I just sit down and concentrate for more than 20 minutes at a time. At this rate, I should try that theory that says you work very efficiently if you sleep for 20 minutes and work for 20 minutes, then sleep for 20 minutes and work for 20 minutes. I don't really believe it, but someone out there says it works. I think what would happen is that I'd fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow morning. Ahhh, my final is in less than 9 hours!

I spent most of my day in my room...and it was nice. It's like the world stopped moving for once lol. Well...other than lunch on campus for interviewing a new faculty candidate. I also got to know another student better at lunch named Reed. He's got a lot of potential I think. So hopefully he'll be able to get more involved in ACM. I feel like that's my new job now...talent recruiter...for everything from jobs to clubs to friends haha.

I talked to Mum a little earlier this evening. I'm not sure what to do about this summer. I don't have much to complain about really. I've turned down "next steps" with companies like Agilent, St. Jude, Raytheon, IBM and others. They're great companies, but offered me projects that I'm not gung ho about. I've got four active (or passively active) relations with Boeing, Rockwell Collins, CNet.com, and Disneyland. I kind of want to do them all! But they all have issues it seems like. Boeing is just really slow to respond to anything, but I'd love to go to Seattle for the summer. Rockwell is also really slow, and I'm not even sure about Iowa, but the people out there are amazing. CNet.com is something that really interests me, and they want me to accept or reject their offer by this upcoming Monday latest (oh my!), but it's in San Francisco (not to hot on the big big city), and the pay is significantly lower than the other jobs and has no benefits or housing allowances or anything (grrr). Disneyland wants me to visit them onsite for an interview, and it sounds really cool, but not as cool as CNet.com, despite the fact that it would be great to be back in SoCal for the summer with my family and friends. Of course, the biggest issue with them is that they just interviewed me for the first time today and want to take a few more steps, while CNet.com was quick and want me to accept an offer by Monday. But how cool would that be to get into Disneyland for free? Ha I guess not that cool since I've lived 20 minutes away from it since I can remember...it really is just another big corporation.

So after some major thinking, I'm going to contact all the pending companies one last time and give them a chance to get their act together or speed things up. Otherwise, I'm accepting CNet's offer despite the lower pay and no benefits in a location that I'm not stoked about (don't get me wrong, I like SF, I just wouldn't want to live there)...just because I want to learn more about the job field. I hope I love it because if I don't then everything will seem rather regrettable. But hey, mom says that once I make a decision, there's no looking back. And I say...it's all what you make of it anyways. :) I think a lot of people I know will be in the bay area too...again, so that should be fun...even though meeting new people sometimes is the best part of going somewhere new.

Remember this night Michelle. You'll look back ten years from now and only remember that this summer you worked at CNet.com (probably), and tonight was the night you made that decision. Hey, it's a pretty big decision. I think it would be pretty life changing to go somewhere new like Seattle, Iowa, or even back home since I haven't been home in such a long time. I've already been to the bay area. It's so-so, but always has potential for quite another adventure. :)

Awesome Day Yay

2008-03-19T02:06:00.000-07:00

Sooo excited! Well...more like just happy. I'm happy these days I feel like I've finally got things right. Right with what you ask? Well, not everything is perfect, but looking ahead, that's what I've finally got right. So...I'm gonna let the broken things in the past go (ie bad grades from my mild depression early in the quarter) and look forward to a really productive quarter cause believe it or not I really like to learn!

That and getting my work back on track. As well as digging deeper in my faith...more like a "THANK YOU" for getting me out of my lil ole inwardly looking self. I'm keeping active somewhat, but I'd like to be on a more regular schedule. So I'm gonna make a goal right now to make more specific goals for next quarter. Lol. I'll do it over spring break.

As far as outlook goes, Joel hit it right on the spot tonight. I was for so long looking inwards and at my own issues and into the past. But it's like someone finally plucked me out of the dark room and placed me outdoors on green grass under the sun. Silly analogy...I really can't describe it. I'm still the same, but the person I was only a month or so ago and now is...completely new. I don't cry, I don't dwell, I just am. And am happy again. It's amazing. I don't think anyone thought I'd get here haha...okay, so they probably did, but I'm sure they were giving up hope by now. The nice thing is that I think I got here the right way. For so long I wanted attention, sympathy, and to flat out just run away from the problem. But being right in the midst of it all this time, and going through all the ups and downs and hurt...all the sudden, I'm okay. I don't feel anything (but it's not like the emptiness unfeeling I had before). I'm just happy...whether I'm alone, with friends, doing something productive, taking time out to myself, going to meetings, or hanging out with Erik. It's all good. Enjoy the time and look forward to the next time.

It's been quite a day today. I spent a good portion of it packing up a lot of my loose items in my room and around my house. I stuck it all in boxes and stacked the boxes and bags in my closet. But I don't think my room has ever been this clean! After just sitting in the presence of such a clean and orderly space (how it should be!), I did some reading for Philosophy. What I should be reading for is Autonomous Robotics lol. Anyways, that gave me a later start on the rest of my evening after a shower and a trip to the grocery store to buy food. I had decided tonight on Broiled Salmon and Asparagus Chicken Crepes. The salmon was amazingly easy to make. I should do it more often! The crepes were tricky and I wouldn't have gotten it done without the help of everyone who showed up for dinner tonight! I had Ty washing asparagus, making crepes, and mixing ingredients. Russell washed the strawberry tomatoes and poured the wine. Kendra and Linz set the table. And Joel got his hands dirty shredding chicken. It all turned out good...real good.

Mmm...dinner, talk, and pie. :) What a great evening. And such wonderful people! Most of my favorite people for the most part. I just wish I took pictures. I can't wait to do it again next quarter.

It gets even better though. Desserts with our old Tenaya Bible Study at Applebee's! I was a little bit late at 9:30pm, but it was alright. We ended up staying until 11pm! It was great to see Alyse and Tiffany. I don't get to see them as much these days. Everyone else I'm still in close contact with for the most part. Then it was back home to the guitar and writing about what a sweet day it was.

I'm lying down and typing now. I'm about to pass out once again in front of my computer. Good thing Russell isn't here to dork me.

Silly Me

2008-03-15T16:22:00.001-07:00

Life is good. :)

Russell is going to pay for his dorkings. Grrr.....

I like ice cream.

Joel call me back so I have an excuse to get ice cream!

Autonomous Robotics paper due tonight ugh. Almost. Over.

I almost wish I didn't have any plans this weekend...it's what I say now lol. I'm sure if I didn't have any plans I'd wish I had plans haha.

Content and happy. I think I'm love healthy again. I don't like drama so life's been real good lately.

Randomness is setting in. I think I'm still exhausted from last week. Pi Day went well yesterday. :) Lots of people. I can perhaps post pictures later...

Chocolate Chex

2008-03-09T13:13:00.001-07:00

I am officially a fan of Chocolate Chex. Good stuff mmmm... :)

Ear Lavage

2008-03-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

I can hear! :) Always praise the lord and don't take things for granted...

That includes the Cal Poly Health Center.

Deafness

2008-03-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a different week than usual…not that any week is ever the same for me. I’ve pretty much been walking around with a “hearing disability.” Quite frustrating really, not being able to hear out of my left ear because it is plugged up with wax. And instead of my other senses being heightened (probably because I’m not deaf, but all of the sounds come from one side of my head, and are muted on the other side…plus I hear everything inside my head lol), my sense are all garbled and I just get confused. I’m more tired and antisocial lately too. Probably because I might be getting a bit ill and burnt out. And I don’t talk as much because I can’t gauge how loud my speaking level is. I feel like I’m talking really loud at times and other people look at me confused and go “What?” Grr…I want this to go away! I’m getting to a point when people talk to me and I just nod and smile even though I don’t know exactly what they are saying. I’ll catch some words and spend a few seconds afterwards trying to piece it together and fill in the gaps into something that makes sense.

Still Around

2008-03-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't been doing much these days. I've been keeping my mind on a one track path, and keeping my eyes and thoughts from wandering off. At the same time, it keeps me from being as productive as I once was. I guess that I work as an all or nothing GSD type. When I have a lot of responsibility and stress I get a lot done. When I don't have a ton to do, I get almost nothing done.

But I'm gaining back my sanity...or whatever you want to call it...self? In other words, I guess I'm moving on. I can actually identify potentials now lol, although I don't know what I'd pursue...or even how to sheesh. I guess I'm looking for someone to like me first. Someone who is a leader and has a good heart.

This isn't much of a story. Here I'll tell a story.

I went on a date the past two evenings. I don't know if it was really a date, but depending on how you define it it could be. We went to see the Heidi Chronicals and to the Spring Choir Concert with a larger group of my friends. It was fun. Relaxing. Long lol. He was sweet...very sweet. The only thing that confuses me is that he's shy and quiet, and at the same time not really because he's not afraid to bust a move on the dance floor haha. Anyways, it was fun. I'd hang out with him again.

Respect

2008-02-25T04:00:00.000-08:00

It came to me tonight on the drive home from the school library. 2:30am. I was touched by my study buddy's attempt to make me feel better without bringing anything up. It was good that way. I didn't want to talk about it...I shouldn't talk about it. He walked back over to my car to give me a hug goodnight.

Respect. I mean it in the most humble of ways.

I've been driving with my guard down lately. It's been raining and the streets have been shiny at night from the street light glares. My thoughts seep in and suck me in until something brings me back to the road and real life. I try not to think of how things should be. How despite everyone around me and all the love I get and everything I have "going for me", I feel so alone.

Let me elaborate on my thoughts. I was speaking to someone over dinner one night about how for some reason, I don't seem to like people who give me too much attention right off the bat. I don't know why. I guess it depends on the person? But still, it seemed to be somewhat of a trend I've seen in my life. And I couldn't figure out why...I mean, what girl doesn't like attention? Okay okay, I know some don't, but it is somewhat flattering. But it hasn't been much more than that. And now it makes sense...kinda.

I like people that I can respect and look up to. I trust those people. That's why I like boys with big hearts who put themselves out on a limb to help other people...it's not always easy to give. I like those who fill leadership rolls. They tend to be confident, mature, and relatively selfless. It's a plus if they have the same religious outlook as I do...and can dance. :)

All this time I've been down on my knees pleading that I wouldn't be thrown out into the rain. That I wouldn't be the one standing on the outside of the window in darkness staring into the warm home and family that I could never be part of. I didn't play the game. I said it exactly how it was. I would always love...even if he left. And sadly I put myself on that side...on the outside. I didn't walk out on my own, and I did not walk to find another home I could go into...or better yet, I didn't have him leave my home. I chose to stay outside my own window and look in, slowly getting drenched and wasting my life away. The image of a girl standing while the world moves so quickly around her, ignorant of her existence is what comes into my mind.

But how could he ever like me? My pleading has lowered me down and pulled me under. I thought that it would be a good thing...putting myself out on a limb to declare how much I loved. And like the movies, I had high hopes that he would come back to me...that love conquered everything. But seeing it now, I was losing respect from him. Who wants a beggar? Even though it wasn't my fault, I pleaded like it was.

I'm trying to pull my life back together now. It's time to move on. The new girl's already begun to replace me as a friend. She's asking him what he'd like to drink and bringing it to him. He's meeting her before leaving campus just to say hi. They're talking and laughing together late at night on the phone or at her house. That used to be me.

I think that it's coming close to a time where I need to leave it all behind. I think he's talked to her about me...and told her to talk to me more. I wish she wouldn't. She's nice...but her presence just hurts and humiliates me. It will be nice when I don't feel that anymore.

They all say I have it wrong. That I'm fine without him...better without him. And that it should be the other way around. That I love, share, laugh, and do things that so many other girls don't. I've "got a lot going for me" and have respect from other people. And those are the people I should surround myself with.

They're right. I know it on a common sense level. But I don't feel it yet. It's not quite in my heart...don't even know where that is...a million pieces takes a while to put back together. But yea...time to start the process and keep doing the things I love because I love it...the things that people look up to me for. There's so much he and other people don't know about me. Perhaps one day he'll finally see what he's missing out on. But he can't miss me until I'm gone.

Chalking for NEW

2008-02-17T22:39:00.001-08:00

In an effort to think of other things in my life...my topic tonight will be: chalking. I didn't go to church this morning, but did a bible study instead in my room under the comfort of my covers. Haha well...comforter since I was too lazy last night to put my clean sheets back on my bed. I did to go church after it was over to tell PJ I was going to Minnesota. I'd made up my mind. And praying that I did it for the right reasons. Despite the facts, the hurt, all the fluff, it just seemed right. I am all down for helping a community in dire need of it. The lows of the town are kind of a lose-lose situation for me though. It's funny really...snow vs. mosquitoes. What a great spring break eh? It's okay though. I don't feel like I'm missing out.

I stayed with a group to help them plan a sermon for next week's (or next next?) church Sunday service. After chugging through, I went to campus to chalk. :)

What on earth are you talking about? Aha. ESC wanted to let everyone know whether they were an engineer or english major that it was National Engineers Week. We had a massive budget this year, which means a ton of awesome events, and a lot of really cool free stuff. Like...a lotta lot. I've seen and planned quite a few events. This one is huge. And very good. So we chalked the campus as so. I agreed to meet people in the UU to get started. I knew a few people there...Nicole and Joel. And had met some people the time before...Nikki and Jessica. There were others and we worked our way down from the UU to Dexter to the library to the Bonderson buildings. It was quite a good time actually. I feel like I tagged some really good places, especially around building 14 and Engineering West.

After our tagging spree left us with no more chalk, the group dispersed except for a few who agreed to do some more staking. Joel and I went to pick up a mallot as Matt got the truck (the NEW-mobile) to get us around campus. We staked the CSC/EE area and the CE/Bonderson building areas together. Picked up Jessica and called it a day. I really like Joel and Jessica a lot. I don't know why, but I do. Anyways, it's off to do more studying. Where to now Brain? I'm thinking the Library Pinky. Haha dorky I know, but their voices popped into my head. Don't ask. Luckily I'm not going crazy these days.

New Day

2008-02-17T10:16:00.000-08:00

Here is my new day's epiphany: There are no second chances. Don't hope, it will never come.

When it Hurts

2008-02-17T01:27:00.000-08:00

Ha I seem to be asking a lot of questions these days. I think the winner is how do you make an unhealthy relationship...healthy?

How do I make the emotions go away...turn them off? How do I cope with something that is so devastating to me...a broken heart. Silly I know. Pathetic probably. But it kills me inside. And I can't seem to help it. Why would she do this to me? Why is it because he likes her that my life has to be so messed up. He makes me so happy, yet I can't even be happy around him anymore because her presence just makes me cry. God why did you make me so pathetic? Why did you even give me life if you're going to put me through massive trial after trial after trial? I know You have a plan, but I feel so forgotten.

Michelle, he is never going to like you again. You have to realize that. It's a vicious cycle. You love him so much that it tears you up inside. And because you love him so much and you're like that, he can never love you. Nobody would ever love something so broken. Put yourself back together. Move on. You know how. It's the one thing you haven't tried yet. You are so reluctant because you think you might have a second chance to love him someday. But get over it because you won't. MOVE ON. Go. Go find a new life and leave the old one behind.

I know you'll still think of him even without him there. I know because you did it when he wasn't there before. But this time don't hold on. Set him free. There are more people out there with a heart like his...better than his. Besides, you want someone who will love you. That's all you want remember? Remember saying that? Even if he gave you a second chance, he wouldn't love you. So don't fall back into that. Set yourself free.

My heart feels hollow and it's hard to breathe. God, you've got a pretty big hole to fill. What should I set my sights on now? If I really do want to travel and make the world a better place, it's better not to have anyone to hold me back anyways. So what are you going to do? New dancing. New language. Finish your homework and study on Friday nights. Don't care about what other people are doing. Get you life back together...alone. No more going to his house. I don't know what to do about Tyler and the LCMers, but maybe stop going to that church? Don't go to that church tomorrow? Don't go to the volleyball game? Focus on a good worship and think about whether I should give that up or not. Play more guitar and buy a keyboard to practice piano.

Stop. Stop thinking about him. Don't love him anymore. Push him out of your mind...completely. Stop crying. The keyboard isn't waterproof. Your life is hard. Deal with it. Don't talk about these things anymore to anyone. You'll have to put on a face at first, but the mask will integrate into your life and perhaps acting happy will actually make you feel happy. Give it a try. Don't say another word about these things anymore.

And finally, post this. You're not embarrassed by any of these things and you don't care what others think. But post it so that you actually do it. When you tell someone you're going to do something, you do it.

Consumed

2008-02-01T02:52:00.000-08:00

Why does love do this to people? The romantic love kind. Real love...God's love can be spread to anyone and everyone...but this romantic love...sheesh. It's time for a change that will have me flying through the clouds, or walking my way through hell trying desparately to reach the other side.

"If you're going through hell, just keep going, don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

Iowa

2008-01-29T13:14:00.000-08:00

I heard on the radio this morning on the way to the airport that Cedar Creek is under blizzard warnings and local schools have been closed. They expect up to four inches of snow before 9pm tonight. I was up by 5:30am this morning. But since I haven’t been here long enough to adjust to the time zone difference, I might as well say I was up at 3:30am. I woke up with a parched and sore throat and cloudy state of mind. This can’t be good.

Although I’ve been on time (if not early) to everything this trip entails so far, here is how my morning really went. I couldn’t get up at 5:30am, so briefly passing out, I woke up to my phone alarm at 6:00am. I pulled back the covers and rushed (I expected this) to wash my face and pack my bags. By 6:30am I was downstairs grabbing a quick breakfast from the lounge to go. I rushed out the door, put my stuff in the car, and drove off to Collins Road towards 380 South. It was a good thing I drove around the night before or I would have missed the confusing onramp.

I was in a hurry. It was already 6:50am and my flight leaves at 7:30am. It was hard to see in the dark and the roads were slick. By the time I drove down to exit 13 (from 24A), the air was thick and whitish. There was definitely a storm coming in today. Of course, not being able to see and being unfamiliar with the area, I miss the exit. Getting off on the next exit, I realize it is a rest stop. I get back on the freeway and get off at the next exit. The air is thick now and droplets of something is appearing on my windshield (either rain or snow) and freezing instantly. I get back on 380 North and exit the proper exit towards the Airport. Of course, I don’t know the airport and still can’t see so I miss the turnoff back to the car rental lot. After a U-turn, I drive towards the lot, park the car, and rush into the airport. It was 7:18am.

Turning in my keys, the lady asks what the mileage is. I look at her with despair. I had not checked. She says she cannot print me a receipt and I ask for any other way since my plane was supposed to leave in ten minutes. She agrees to trust me to call her back to get her a fax number and has someone else go look for the car and check the mileage. I race off about a hundred more meters to the check-in desk and the lady prints my boarding pass and directs me to security and the gate. I walk 50 meters (it’s a small airport eh?) to security and wait to go through. I hear them call my name on the PA. After security, I put on my shoes and grab all my other clothing without putting them back on and bustle to the gate. The man smiles at me and says I’m just in time…and the last one. I walk outside towards the airplane and walk onboard. The sky is still slightly dark from the early morning and dark clouds. I proceed to sit down and pass out barely a few seconds after takeoff. I don’t even wake up until after we’re on the ground 40 minutes later in St. Louis. I’m exhausted.

And that’s my story thus far. I’m sitting in the St. Louis airport right now. I’m disappointed that this one also does not have free Wi-Fi (neither does LAX). Denver International Airport does and it’s the greatest thing ever. Obviously, I will be uploading this passage at a later time.

1 Corinthian 13

2008-01-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Patience is tough.
I can be kind, but am working on consistency and quality.
I envy. That's not good.
I don't know if I boast.
Can't say I'm proud of it. I've been called pathetic. That hurts.
I try not to be rude and keep my mouth shut.
Oh indeed I am self-seeking...sorry.
Not angered. More of saddened.
I've already forgotten all the reasons I didn't like him.
I don't delight in evil. I would never sabotage or hurt anyone. I'd almost always rather take the fall.
I trust too much.
I hope too much.
I persevere too much. It doesn't work to my benefit.

When will it go away? How do we keep God's perfect love? Why do I feel like trying to love like Him kills me inside. God lead me.

GSD

2008-01-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Why am I still awake? So...tired. I'm going to be paying for this later today.

Surprise Me

2008-01-22T03:23:00.000-08:00

For those who know me, this is no surprise. And you can roll your eyes and tell me to move on. To those who don't know me, don't let this phase you. I'm at the point where I need to move on for good. Alas, the truth here an now.

If you were going to ask someone out, how would you do it? Is one way more effective than another? What if you love (or loved) someone so much...the real kind...not the obsessive or puppy kind. This confuses me sometimes because to truly love someone...and let's say they don't love you back...that means that you love them enough to...not love them? That doesn't sound right.

Anyways, back to the focus. When someone says no, do you just give up? What's the right thing to do? What do you do when you've truly cared about someone for two years...after breaking up. The feelings never went away. And you can't separate and cut yourself off from him. Even though I'm comfortable around him, my heart still flutters and I really am not as aware of the other people around me. It's different of course...if we were dating then it'd be different. I could focus on those around me and not so much on the light sorrow of not being able to date him or trying to get a trickle of his attention. It's odd to think that I consider myself a pretty strong person...strong willed, confident, happy...and yet one person can make all that come crashing down...the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.

Anyways, looking at the past, I spent a lot of time leaning on him for support in my life. He was giving it to me, but mostly because I was making him. He's not perfect. He's kind of odd actually in some ways. He says some ridiculous things and doesn't understand a lot of things I would expect him to. But that's just the way I like him. I thought I didn't, but now I want all of those things back. And I've turned myself around. Now I want to support him and build him up. I want to be a light in a relationship. I think I'm ready to share that now with...someone.

TGIF

2008-01-19T04:53:00.000-08:00

It's a mystery the way the human social interaction works. Like how it is viewed as weak or not interesting when we say how we really feel or reveal more information about ourselves. And then it turns into a game of mystery and hard to get. I understand it. Like others, I find a somewhat mysterious person intriguing...to an extent. So then we wonder for instance in writing in a blog...which is meant to be a journal except completely public...how much is too much to make the person that less interesting?

It was an interesting night tonight. My day was a story in itself. I woke up and met up with a wonderful new girl in my SWE officer core. We talked about some of her roles and what she could do (run with it I say). I then went off to class, where we went over DFAs and NFAs. I already know about them because I already took Theory (this class is the prerequisite for Theory). After class, I headed over to lab where I intended to go to lab. But then I started getting phone calls. I spoke to a few companies and friends on SWE business. One ended up being from my Sun Microsystems contact who asked me out to lunch. So...I said sure. I packed my things and headed out of lab...so much for that.

Lunch was wonderful. My Sun contact was awesome and way down to earth. She is also very charming and charismatic. Girl style of course. We went to Guiseppes (I can't spell) and sat at a fancy table at the corner Italian restaurant. Appetizers, water, and a pasta dish. We talked about work-related things to life. It was great. At the end she put it on the company card and said I was a cheap date and that we should have gotten drinks and dessert lol.

I was driven back to campus and I headed to the Bonderson buildings for class. I had to make a few calls so I ducked into a room next to the room I was supposed to be in and called a few people up to clarify and fit people into some empty seat at SWE's EWI that evening. In the end I got to class late and our team meeting ended early. So I just hung out and walked around with Dan. He showed me his "lab" and explained his thesis project. I was intrigued. It's awesome that he can do research like that. I took him to his car, then went home myself. I had told myself that I'd wear a dress to EWI that evening. I know that it is business causal (there isn't any set dress code), but that I would wear a dress anyways. Long behold I put a dress, but when I get there and see every one piling out of their cars in business casual clothes or suits, I turn around and go home to change into a nice pair of slacks and layered sweater. So much for that idea.

EWI was alright. It was good, but not fantastic. I sat with Cisco in hope to get a better edge into their Associate Systems Engineering program. The reps that we sat with were nice, but did not know much about it. In fact, it kind of frustrates me that companies just send random people to events like these. You can't build up a relationship quite as well with someone you only see once and who is just down for the heck of it and not for anything else. Not all companies are like that. I recognized quite a few company reps there, but not at my table. So I just leaned back, and talked to them like I would any other person. No company questions, just ideas, life, and school topics. I randomly brought up a philosophical question (considering I'm in a philosophical class) and it turns out that one of the reps had originally majored in philosophy. What a small world.

I was recognized for being an OWE nominee, but didn't win the top five. That's okay. I didn't expect to since my GPA was really low compared to pretty much all the other girls. But it's still an honor to be nominated (yay!).

After EWI, I hung out and took pictures with some friends, and then headed over to campus to hit up the barn dance put on by CLDC. There were less people than last time. It was fun anyways. My friends were there and I had quite a few good two-steps (with fancy twirls lol) and was in good company. A few other people who had also been at EWI came up to congratulate me. I don't know if I looked appreciative, but I was. :)

We all danced until midnight. I took off just a little bit before it ended to meet up supposedly with Amy and Sabrina downtown. I knew Ebrah had been there before, but I figured he'd probably taken off by now. So I sent a message to Sue and she called me back saying to meet her at DTB. Off I went (I had to go home to get my ID) and when I got there, Ebrah was with her too! What a surprise. I knew that they'd gone to get drinks earlier with some other people, but I didn't really think he'd still be there. Much less at DTB. Much less dancing. Lol. Anyways I hadn't seen Sue in forever and it was so great to see her. I love that girl. I don't know why but we get along real good. So we all went downstairs, got a drink, and danced the rest of the evening away. I danced with Sue a lot since I didn't know the boundaries with Ebrah. And I told myself to look away or let it slide when he'd dance with a girl. But he grabbed my hands a few times and took me for a whirl. It was fun. As always. Especially when he wrapped his arms around me. But of course, it would come to an end. There were a few other people who moved in to dance with me, some of them I already knew. But I didn't dance back. When Ebrah is around, I can't seem to see anyone else. Perhaps that'll pass on someday to someone else. Sue left to meet some friends upstairs. I let him show me his moves lol. It was so cute. I love dancing with him.

Around closing time, Ebrah took off and I stayed behind to hang out with Sue. We all went to Woodstocks where I also got to meet up with my other friends (and take care of them in the bathroom lol), ate some good pizza, and played spontaneous DD for the night. I walked some people in to make sure they were alright, and picked up a guitar to play, then after some shocking incidences, decided to take off and I took Sue with me to go somewhere else. I didn't get home until 4am. What a day. What a night.

Perfectly Just

2008-01-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

Can I ever be a perfectly just person? Probably not...although I will try at times throughout my life. A perfectly just person is someone who is portrayed as unjust, but is actually just. Not to be confused with being seen and looked down on as unjust...I mean it more of like...invisible. This is all theoretical. The point is that when we are good people..."just" people...we still reap the benefits of our good works, whether it be status, respect, pride, etc.

But can we do something and let someone else take credit for it and still be content? Or how about donating a million dollars to a charity and never revealing that you were the donor...to anyone. Sometimes it is quite doable. And the internal pleasure is more than enough. But the perfectly just person does this at all times. So we've still got some room to learn.

Again, I'm not saying that we should all be like this at times. It's okay to get that respect and recognition...quite okay. But as long as that is not our main motive for our "good" actions. Ah, to be humbled...

Now and Then

2008-01-15T18:35:00.000-08:00

I've got only a few minutes to write as I sit in the corner of lab 301 before heading out to some good (more like amazing) dinner. My thoughts for today? Hmm.

Well, I've seemed to become a little more anti-social these days. Not that I'm anti-social by any means, but it's more of like...I don't have to go looking for things to do all the time. They fall into my lap. And if anything, I go hide in corners to get work done lol. That's because I have a hard time saying no to fun. :)

It's not anything to brag about. It's just a reflection of how life is now versus how it once was a few years ago where I felt often excluded and would be searching endlessly for something that interested me or for good people to be with. It really makes me appreciate my time in solitude and I am always happy these days...even in darkest times. I love my friends and care about them dearly. All of them.

Busy Weekend

2008-01-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

So it was yet another busy, but pleasantly busy weekend. :)

The SWE retreat went well and it was about as fun as a conference type meeting could be. Great to see the girls again. I'm always afraid of being a bad leader, or someone they don't want to lead them. But they're happy, and so I am too!

After the officer retreat and then exec meeting, I headed up the hill to the CSC labs and found it packed with gamers for the ACM Lan Party. I did my part and played some Wolfenstein. Whenever a friend killed me they yelled out "I killed Meesh!" to the entire room full of people. Eventually, some other people would say it too. And sometimes people would yell across the room "Meesh wait, stop running!" lol. That was the medic trying to give me more health. I have no idea who he is...just a voice...

Anyways, then it was time to go to Ebrah and Tyler's house for some good cookin' with the rest of the gang and after everyone else left, I stayed behind and jammed out for the next three or four hours with the house roommates. We had two guitars, a mandolin, and a viola. And I guess...a voice. It wasn't half bad. :) We need to have those more often. As I headed out, I debated between going out or going to sleep. Sleep got the best of me and I headed home and crashed in the middle of a good read.

Sunday afternoon was spent at Mt. Carmel and at the college BBQ. Julie and I were worried about our dresses flying up because it was so windy! The food was excellent. I stayed to help clean up, then packed Cameron into the car and gave him a ride home. I spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing and doing homework, then had dinner with Ty and John before heading out with them to go play some volleyball at the rec center. We had exactly 12 of us show up for "practice". It was pretty much people from the old team LCM Spikers...but split. Someone from the team has decided to make his own team because he's a lot more competitive. It makes sense, but unfortunately, he also seems to have taken quite a few of our good players from the old team with him! Oh well. It'll be interesting because we're in the same league and are going to be competing against each other. He's still committed to helping everyone though, so we had people from both teams playing with each other that evening. It's going to be fun and I'm excited for the games to begin!

It was then to the library to work, where I didn't work as much as I would have liked so I went home and proceeded to fall asleep on the couch in front of my computer. Sigh. Another busy quarter awaits me!

Web Associates Company Party

2008-01-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

I went on a date last night? Hehe. I did go on a date last night. But I guess that I don't know what kind...

Anyways, I signed onto Gmail Chat one day during class (Autonomous Robotics). I hadn't been signed on in a few days. Within a few seconds...*ping ping ping* Amy, Jimmy, and Van. Aw it feels nice to be thought of. :)

I got asked to go to a company party if I wasn't doing anything and was bored. I said sure...but because he was cool and not cause I was bored. I expected a CDM type of party, but this was something else! I played it safe with a simple but cute black dress, but I should have worn a dress with more oomph lol. The Web Associates company party was a blast. Open bar at a lodge in Cambria. Good looking guys dressed up nice with new haircuts. Ladies in dresses fit for a night at the club. I saw a lot of skin. But I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I hear the monster companies are this way too...why should this one be any different? They're doing just as well. And it made it more fun.

We ate, drank, danced, and wandered. We hit up the company reserved dance floor and went around to rock out to a live rock band close by. The company also reserves hotel rooms which we checked out and it had a fireplace! I was impressed. The evening was so much fun. And I went in not knowing much about my date at all. By the end of it, I was thinking hmm...he's really sweet. :) And he's got better dance moves than me.

My only confusion was why he asked me considering we didn't know much about each other and hadn't talked in about a month. And before that...like half a year. Either way, I'm glad I went.

Skiing in Colorado

2008-01-08T18:04:00.000-08:00

So in the aftermath, I am pleased to say that Colorado has wooed me with it's beauty and splendor. Even the cold wasn't all so bad. I mean...it was really cold, but everything else about it makes you forget about that at times. After the LSM Gathering, we all packed up our bags on New Year's Day and loaded into an over-sized van waiting for us outside the lobby. Everything on this trip was very well planned and executed.

We headed out from the Marriott in Denver to PJ's parent's cabin in Buena Vista...about a three hour drive. It was gorgeous. I sat in between Brian and Tyler in the first row of seats. Then it was Julie, Audrey and Cameron, and finally Phil, Erik, and Amber. Will got the navigator upgrade to the front seat. When we got in, we brought in our stuff to Bonny's cabin, and then walked back to PJ's parent's cabin for some delicious home cooked dinner. Full, we went back to our cabin to pick our sleeping spaces, unpack, and hang out. And boy did we hang out. Julie and I had agreed to room together, and she had chosen the room downstairs so I started to unpack. Turns out that Phil had taken the other room downstairs and Erik and Tyler would be in the living room right outside our doors. So the party was downstairs that evening. We took pictures, did human pyramids, and watched the boys try to show off their strengths. I was kind of annoyed at that...the fact that all the girls were all set on watching the boys while they did their own thing and bonded. I didn't feel like I got to know any of the girls any better. And if I wasn't there, surely nobody noticed or felt my absence.

It was an awkward trip in that sense. And I was different because having Erik around distracts me...makes me mellow. I keep thinking that I'm good, but this just shows me I need to move on more. Nobody else can make my heart feel that heavy. I long for someone else to divert my heart to. I think I'm ready for that now.

Don't get me wrong though, it was still a great trip. And for the most part, having my good friends around me, especially Ebrah makes me so happy I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. So despite everyone going to bed, the boys could still be heard having fart wars somewhere in the darkness. We woke up early the next day to ski Cooper, about 45 minutes away. It was bright and sunny and the snow was perfect. We practiced the bunny slopes to warm up an then hit the lifts. I decided to try goofy foot today. I felt very comfortable heel side, but could not for the life of me turn toe side to the mountain. So I would speed down the mountain one way, then leaf across a little bit before speeding down again. I saw some awesome wipe outs, including Erik doing a complete backwards somersault. Tyler had pretty much gotten down the heel-toe thing by the end of the day. We went home exhausted. Lasagna was awaiting us that evening. After some hanging out, cooking apple crisp, and doing massage trains for everything, Ebrah, Ty and I worked on our devotion for the next evening. We wanted it to be good, and we based it off of the song by Garth Brooks called "Standing Outside the Fire." This song had actually come to us on the radio while hanging out on the 20th floor of the hotel on New Year's Eve...or well...I guess Day.

The next day was sledding...probably the most dangerous day of our week lol. PJ took us to this awesome hill and we brought an inter tube and plastic butt shovels made for sledding. The first run was disastrous as Erik and Phil hit some holes that sent them flying into the ice and left Phil with a gnarly scraped ice burn on his face. So of course, they proceeded to go again. We all did. :) Next was a trip directly to the hot springs. It felt so good to be practically naked, contently warm, and surrounded by snow and mountains. We went home, took our showers, had pizza for dinner, and executed our devotional for the night. What a great day. Then it was back to our cabin for nert wars. Amber and I lost miserably lol.

Waking up early once again, Thursday we got to see snowfall as we headed over to Monarch. Ebrah and I hit the slopes right off the bat since we brought our own boards. We went up the Garfield lift, took the slopes down Sleepy Hollow to Tenderfoot, and ran into another ski lift. I was riding regular foot that day so I had some adjusting and getting used to to do on the way down. He motioned to it and I just nodded and followed. It wasn't until we were on our way up when I asked where we were going and he gave a shrug. Oh. My. Goodness. This lift would take us all the way up to the top of the mountain. I wasn't ready for that yet! So up Panorama we went. It was practically a blizzard up there. Clear skies...you could see all of ten feet in front of you before whiteout. We went along the ridge Sky Walker (which was horrible because it was flat and hilly in a lot of places...horrible for snowboards). We finally made it to KC Cutoff and headed down back to Sleepy Hollow and hit up Glade all the way down. After that, I must say my boarding got much better despite my burning legs. We found Will and went up Pioneer and down more slopes. We also went up the Breeze Way lift and down Little Mo. Some other paths we hit up were Roundabout (I don't recommend this), Romp, Drifter, Lower Tango, Great Divide, Ticaboo, Snowburn, Doc's Run, and Geno's Meadow. Perhaps some more that I do not recall. This trip was sure cooooold though. Wet snow was falling from the sky all day and the winds were strong. They almost closed the lifts. But yea I'd say one of my favorite runs was the Great Divide and Ticaboo.

Old Friendzies

2007-12-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

Got my car fixed today. It'd been wearing down over the past...who knows how long. All $700 worth of whatever needed to be done. Brakes, struts, alignment checks, oil change...

A majority of my day went into setting up a stubborn new printer and writing nice Christmas cards. Then I got to hang out with mum for the rest of the afternoon with a late lunch and running errands.

It was a good day. :) I got to see Matt, Jared and Aric this evening...my three amigos. Megan came out with us too! I hadn't seen most of them in ages. They are high school friends from the "old days" lol. They all have the same attitude and charisma. Matt I talk to often enough, Megan and Jared I hadn't talked to in like two years, and Aric probably three. The boys haven't seen each other in quite a while too. It started off with Matt, Jared and I at Matt's place down the street. We went out to check out Christmas lights and went to a place that had their lights synced up to a radio station playing Christmas music...so awesome! Then we drove through a neighborhood full of lights. Apparently they have a contest every year so everyone goes all out. Next we picked up Megan from her house, and Aric from the Batman cave in downtown Brea. I couldn't think of anything to do in the area since the boys were tight on money so we opted for a Starbucks and sat down to chat and laugh. Then it was back to Matty's place to watch Superbad...it was way long for it's content I thought. It was past 1am by then and Jared has to wake up for work at 7am (that sucks!). Can't say I had it much better though lol...I have an appointment at 8:40am, still have to pack everything because we're leaving for SLO tomorrow at noon, have more cards to write, the garage to clean out, and a report for work to write up. I might as well just not sleep tonight lol.

I drove Megan home thinking it was so great to see her and converse again. She has always been a wonderful friend. Aric seems to have grown up more since the last time I saw him. He's lookin real good. And finally getting married! Jared hasn't changed much. I like to see people change, but it's always good to have a constant foundation to keep one focused. Anyways, Jared is still the good guy that I used to like...they all have been good guys.

2007-12-20T12:29:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to figure out why, but my productivity, no matter how much time I put into getting things done, seems to go down exponentially whenever I am at home. Maybe it's because my to-do list grows with mum asking for last minute favors. Or because everything is ten times as far as in SLO. Or because it's just a lazy time for me. When I'm at home, I normally stay around home. When I'm in SLO I'm all over the place. Who knows. Oh well.

Start of a Beautful Break

2007-12-18T23:41:00.001-08:00

I'm finally back home and on a computer, connected back to the world once again. Or perhaps it's more of being connected back to the ball that is chained to my fingers. My holiday was short, but sweet. I'll write of my week up in northern cali first, then move on to the real relaxing part of my break...hanging out in good company in a deserted desert.

As of right this moment, I'm sitting on my bed in my old room (filled with Christmas decorations lol), listening to my lil brother serenade me on his guitar. I'd love to get him a nice new guitar for Christmas, but sadly I don't have the money. :( He's playing so well these days, and if there's something that I'd want him to get into as he continues through the pressures of high school...it'd be music. Anyways, he's stopped to keep reading his textbook at my desk (he claims it is his now). A biography of Pattie Boyd called Wonderful Tonight lies at my feet and my iPod Nano is charging for my next trip on the road.

I sure do love those road trips. School let out on the 7th of December, but I was still working my ass off after my last final to finish up my senior project. Then I headed up north for a few days to kick it, visit, do some business, study, and have some fun. Relaxing didn't happen as much as I thought it would...that would have been nice if it did. Do I even remember all the things I did?

Tuesday: Drove up in a caravan with Chris. Met up with Russell in Millbrae and had some delicious (and expensive) gelato ice cream at some fancy Italian restaurant that was ironically located right next to a loud train track, intersection, and gas station. Who knew it'd be so classy? Then it was off to drive him back to Mountain View and head over to Atherton for the evening with family.

Wednesday: Woke up, showered, checked email, then drove to REI to pick up a snowboard bag for my trip to Colorado. I ended up getting a rolly one and am sure glad I did. I thought it'd be too big, but hey it holds my board, bindings, boots, and all my other snow gear along with it...barely. Glad I won't have to put all my snow stuff in extra bags! Then I went up to meet Russell in the city for lunch. I should have inquired where exactly he worked beforehand because I was driving around the wrong parts until he asked where I was. So I drove on over and found good parking, but was 20 minutes late to my dismay. Plus as I was getting out of my car, a trolley driver hollered at me and told me to call him. Confused, I looked at him until he said that drivers need some love too...along with how beautiful Asian women and mixes were especially and more along those lines that I didn't really pay attention to as I turned around to lock my car door. How would he know I was a mix anyways? Psh. Men. Particularly San Francisco men. Lunch was good...great really. My time with Russell is always a good dose of good company where I can talk business, fun, life, stories, anything really and he can do the same. And I'm talking to someone on the same level as me. Perhaps I even look up to him. I don't look up to many people my age these days. Not that I look down on them either...it's just that you'd be surprised how many people I have to pick up and put back on their feet. I don't mind that because I like to help when I can, but it's a bit draining sometimes. Anyways, we went to some fast grill and got our food to go so I could put more coins in my meter. We sat and watched people driving by and parking. It's not as fascinating as SLO...people here can actually somewhat drive. They must've started off in LA. ;) After lunch I headed to Panera Break on 4th and King to go and do some work over the internet. It was suggested by Russell (who made the mistake of calling it Pandora so I couldn't find it forever) and when I got there, it was fabulous. It was my place of choice to work for the next few days really.

That evening, I took off for Stanford to go to a presentation and meet up with potential business partners. It was fun and the campus was gorgeous. We had dinner afterwards at P.F. Changs and then I headed on back up to San Francisco to stay with Gloria for the evening. She was still moving so stuff was scattered all over her room. I did some work, answered more emails, chatted with her and went to the store, hung up some curtain rods and curtains, and finally went to sleep at 4am.

Thursday: We woke up at 9am. I was so drowsy as I climbed out of bed and got back on the computer to do yet more work as Gloria got dressed and ready to go. We headed out to get some dim sum, then drove over to the 24 Hour Fitness on 2nd Street to work out and do some pilates. It felt great to work a sweat. I took my shower (with no towel mind you), and we headed over to Panera Bread to study and work. We were there for what felt like forever, but I got a lot done and she...kind of did lol. I think we are too distracting for our own good. Chris came by, then Russell stopped by, and then Kim came by to meet me. Rock climbing had been suggested, but Kim and I ended up driving down to downtown San Jose to watch the Sharks play against Vancouver. I had suggested it before, but didn't really think we'd do it. She said that she wanted to and I said okie dokie. I think we were too exhausted from the day to climb anyways. Sharks won of course with some awesome goals. There was a guy behind us who I could swear only learned three phrases in english: "Mother-Fuckers!"..."Geet it owta there!"...and "Geet it geet it!". The first phrase was repeated regularly. Lol I guess they all were. But aside from that, the experience was thrilling and kept me at the edge of my seat. It was both Kim and my first live hockey game. After it was over, I walked with Kim over to the bathroom and we bumped into none other than Ebrah. I knew he'd be there that night. I knew Russell would be there too. But I sure didn't think I'd run into either of them or anyone else I knew. It was my evening with my cousin and I had her all to myself. :) It was nice running into Ebrah though.

Friday: I woke up, showered, and went over to Panera Bread to eat and once again leach off their internet. I stayed there all day. I kept wanting to get out of there and go do something, but there was never a shortage of things for me to get done, so I just kept cranking things out. That evening I talked to Kim and she invited me out to go on the town with her, her friends, and her friend's coworkers. I was about to accept the invitation, but Ebrah finally called me back and said he'd go dancing with me, so I drove down to Fremont to do that instead. It was a wonderful time. And it's good to have my friend back. He had been gone all quarter and we all missed him dearly. Especially his fantastic dancing. The music and beers were good too.

Saturday: I woke up early to meet Ebrah at the courts in Saratoga. Just as I've been working on (and believe me, it's a hard habit to break), I was on time. On the other hand, he was very late. But considering my history of lateness, there's not really much I can say. It was another grand time. The best morning I'd had all week, although they were all good. It's pretty hard to get me down these days. I daydream about dating him. But that's all it is, a fading dream. And I guess it's alright. Like I said, it's more than wonderful to have my friend. The kid ain't perfect by any means. But he's got one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across. And that is something I can look up to. That's kind of how I am...I get inspired by the people around me. After our session I headed over to the 24 Hour that I was more familiar with off the Cottle Road exit from the 85. I did my run and used their shower (long-term membership these days are paying off lol). Then I headed down to my old place to pick up some mail and packages that had still come to the house even though I had moved out. Brian had gotten a new beautiful dog. Baby was gone and Junior still had reign of the house. He had stopped smoking to get high four months ago. Personally, I never really ever knew he was stoned when I lived there. He was still relatively with it and responsible, clean, respectful. The only times I knew for sure were when he told me so. Or I went with him to the playgrounds. Anyways, his previous habits had jacked up his memory and he thought I'd lived there 2 to 3 years ago...and that there was no way that I was a recent tenant. I had lived there only three months ago and was the most recent tenant to move out. It was an interesting conversation after that. He's a good guy. I've never regretted living there or meeting Brian. Next stop was the San Jose public library downtown. Parking was ridiculous, but well worth it. The place is beautiful. I had to get a library card to use the internet, so now I have a San Jose public library card. When they kicked me out at 6pm, I headed over to see Kimmers at her friend's place somewhere near Saratoga and Payne streets. It was short-lived before I headed back to downtown San Jose to meet up with Nate and his girlfriend Rachel to go out to San Francisco. Burmese dinner was great. I way overpaid since I ordered once dish and some people ordered three plus appetizers which I didn't really touch, and yet the bill was split evenly among all of us. If I'd known, I would've eaten more of their food! Then we went to Ghiradelli Square and ordered fancy ice creams and hot chocolates. Yuma kept leading Brian (different Brian) into wrong places I felt like. I took him to browse around the shop and we both got hot chocolate mixes. There was talk of going out, but I was so tired that I opted to head back home. I was probably out within 10 seconds of hitting the pillow that evening.

Sunday: Waking up is getting tough. Nate and I hung out and chatted in the morning until I had to head out to hit the road. Once I did, I made a detour to get gas, then somehow ended up in a mall, and then as expected, got stuck at the book store. God I love books. Most people don't know that though. If you don't know what to get me, you will always be safe with a gift card to Border or Barnes & Noble. I buy books faster than I can read them. I probably buy like 10-15 books a year...unfortunately I might get through only two that year. My shelves are stacked with good reads. Which reminds me to ask Russell for my book back...he should be finished with it (or given up on it due to lack of time) by now. After buying more books, I headed out, and headed home. SLO here I come! Jenny was home playing with Rocky when I came in the door in SLO. I took a much needed shower, cleaned up some, packed, did laundry, and relaxed for a little while with my roommate. Then I busted out one of my books and began to read. It was so relaxing. I despise the fact that I'm too busy to do something so simple these days. I was also waiting to hear back from someone I was hoping to meet up with that evening. I am wary of meeting new people this way, but he intrigued me...and that's not easy to do these days. I've had the pleasure of getting to know many wonderful, dedicated, motivated and talented people over the past few years. Anyways, I waited for a few hours and didn't hear anything after the time he said he'd be free. So I loaded up my car and headed out once again...this time to Orange County. I was slightly disappointed, but oh well. It's not like I knew him all that well anyways. Guess he missed his chance.

Monday: Well, first I arrive back home in the OC around 3:30am. That's because I took a small nap along the way. I figured I'd just crash into bed as soon as I got home, but all the lights were on when I walked into the door. And there was trash strewn everywhere on the floor and counter tops. Dishes were piled up and the dining table had food crumbs all over it. My brother was fast asleep in his room, Mom was still not home from work, and Papa was sitting on the couch just watching more tv. That bum. So I cleaned everything up and fixed up the house, emptied the fridge of milk and orange juice that had expired back in October, sent my Pa off to bed, and brought my stuff in from the car. Mom came home around 5:30am and I went to bed soon afterwards. I'm glad she didn't have to come home to such as messy house. I know it frustrates her that her husband and son don't attempt to clean the house or keep it tidy.

Anyways, I woke up at 9am, hopped out of bed and got dressed, kissed my sleepy mom goodbye in bed, and headed out to Fallbrook. It took just a little over an hour to get there. When I got to Tyler's house, I hung out playing with Cammie and his new chiweiner Oz until he got back from errands with Taylor. Then we packed up the mobile and headed out to the desert. It was great out there and I loved every minute of it. The boys said that on weekends and holidays the place is packed full with up to ten different parties per campsite. We pretty much had dozens of campsites all to ourselves. Tyler took Taylor and I for rides in the dune buggy which was exhilarating. I've never been in a real one before and the speed was so much fun! Plus it was not on a track which made it that much more thrilling. Taylor let me use his goggles, thank goodness for that. During the times that Tyler and Taylor were out for a run, I sat down and opened up my book. It was so relaxing being out there...desert as far as you can see. Just me and my book. We took out the guitar to play later and while Tyler was making us dinner, Taylor taught me how to drive the buggy. It wasn't hard, but I kept stalling because the loud engine would scare me and I kept thinking I did something wrong. Then it would stall. The boys kept telling me not to be scared of the noise. On the last attempt I was given, I finally got it to go and drove it in circles around our camp. I wish I could be a race car driver. Control behind the wheel is so much fun. We ate spaghetti and then went for a few more night runs. On Tyler and my run, the buggy ran out of juice and died on the road up to the dune. We walked back a little less than a mile and placed bets on how freaked out Taylor might be. I know I'd be way freaked out if I were left at camp and didn't know what happened to my friends. However, Tyler and I followed a light in the distance that did bring us back to camp. The partial moonlight helped us from tripping over rocks and weeds on our trek. We went to pick up the buggy, hung out by the campfire, then headed in to go to sleep.

Tuesday: Well, we woke up to pretty much do it all over again. Except we only got one or two runs out of the thing. There was something wrong with the electrical side, so we had to borrow jump cables the first time to get it up and running. But once it died, it died. We probably could have jumped it again, but we'd already given back the cables. The people we borrowed from were really nice. The man looked big and stern, but he looked so sweet trying to take pictures of his son who kept hiding his face from the camera. "Jordan, just one picture. I've got to have at least one since we came all the way out here." and "Okay Jordan, I've put it away I've put the camera away." as he looks through the lens in front of his face. The boy, Jordan Walker (or Rose) was the cutest thing. He was young, maybe in junior high? But he was a cutie pie and had an attitude like my brother, and kind of an east coast accent...though I don't know where it came from since they don't live too far away. The dad had taken his son out so his son could go riding. From the looks of it, the kid was really good. He did motorcross and rode his dirt bike back and forth across the desert in his nice racer clothes and fancy fixed up bike. When he gets famous someday, I'll say that I met him in the desert once. And I went with Tyler to get him a map of the area. :) The rest of the day with Tyler and Taylor was wonderful. They are quite funny together, and not purposefully so. On the way home we stopped by a little Mexican restaurant and passed a lot of areas where the recent Southern California wildfires reigned out of control. It was sad, but at the same time fascinating. I had been in Malibu a week before the fires there started and spread. And I hadn't come home until Thanksgiving, well after they were over. The devastation here seemed surreal to me. We dropped Taylor off and I got to meet his dog Chevy, then Tyler and I headed back to Fallbrook to pack out and clean up. Well, he did most of the cleaning up lol. I got to play with his dogs and hang out with his parents. I feel bad I should have helped out more. Then it was time to go home. I spent some time with my step-dad for a little bit, took a shower, did some work with my brother after he got home from practice, which bring me updated to right now...writing my story. It doesn't end though. Come Friday I'll be embarking on another journey once again to SLO, back home, and then to Colorado. I can't wait!

Blind

2007-12-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

I went on a date tonight. At least, I think it was a date. Well shoot, anything can be called a date lol...so okay yea, I went on a date tonight. I've been a little out of it lately...to much time staring at code for long periods of time can make anyone a lil out of whack. At least I know what I definitely don't want to do for a living.

So I've never gone out so willingly to meet up with someone I know almost nothing about before. And I'm not sure why I did it, but in the end I'm glad that I did. The mind plays tricks on you when you have an image of something, distort it a little bit, and then either think of it too much or to little. In other words, some time later, your image becomes a little skewed. In the end, I had no idea what to expect. The first time I met him a few days ago was with a drink in hand, little to no sleep, and a line he stated as "All men are pigs." Not sure why on earth that one worked, but I guess I'm always intrigued by something different. I hurled my cookies that night, as Nate would say. Nobody knew that except perhaps Brittany who happened to be walking by since I was able to take care of myself, but I guess the world knows now. That's what you get for being friends with the bartender. Thanks Dustin. Lol.

Anyways, I must say I wasn't expecting much. I thought it'd be fun to meet up so I can do something different than studying and projects...anything different. I don't get intimidated easily because while yea I've got my eye out, I'm content single and where I'm at. Plus I've talked to big honchos before so a student is so much more casual no matter what the occasion. But strangely, sitting there in the coffee shop over peppermint mochas, I was nervous. I lost my train of thought a lot. And I felt awkward. Now for me to feel awkward does not mean that it's a bad thing. Actually, in my case it would technically mean it was a good thing...for the other person...not me lol. Why? Sounds odd I know. It kind of meant that I was conscious of what this guy thought of me. Most of the time I don't really care.

In the end, yea it was awkward first time hanging out, but I think a friendship can stem out of this at least. :) He seems like a good guy with some pretty big goals. Handsome and sweet from what I gathered. Lol but I'll keep in mind that all men are pigs. In the meantime, I've got to get back to finishing my dang projects.

Ideas

2007-11-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

Here are some ideas I had written down back during summer for coop events. By now, they can be ideas applied to a lot of things:

Bowling
Wine Tasting
Rock Climbing
Scavenger Hunt
Potluck
BBQ

Just thought I'd write them somewhere so I can throw the darn post-it note that those things are written on away. :)

Recent Randomeness

2007-11-20T00:50:00.000-08:00

My quick updates...more like comments...

Last weekend I went to the annual A-Town Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner. Wow there were a TON of people there. Our table went last, so all the dinner food was gone by the time we got up to get some food. :( When it came to desert time, we went last again...and the only desert that was completely gone was my apple crisp. :) That was cool, but it also means I didn't get any lol. The other pies still had a good 3/4 still there. So just to toot my own horn, that was kind of note-worthy.

"You can have an egg, or you can have a goose-laying egg" - Kyle

I've decided that MySpace annoys me to no end. I should just cancel my account and am considering it.

Aaaaah! The library has become my new home. I can't find any place with reliable internet these days. :(

I got to see Ebrah this past weekend briefly too. :) Makes me happy.

This morning I woke up and went to Erik K.'s place to watch Hacking Democracy with him and Sam for our ethics class. Then I went home and couldn't get on the internet, so I went to the Nautical Bean and I saw Sam there lol. We worked next to each other for the next like...five hours. Then I left to go home, take a shower, go to an ESC meeting and went to the library. And Guess who I saw? Sam. :) Lol. I left there eventually to go see Tyler and then came back to the library and now Erik K. is here. It's like 1am...why am I still at the library?! But yea, 300 just doesn't leave me alone either.

Nate in SLO

2007-11-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

So a friend came to visit me and the beautiful San Luis Obispo this past weekend (aka yesterday). It was a wonderful time. I went surfing and had meetings and homework time on Friday, cleaned the house and did more homework on Saturday, then the fun started Saturday night when Nate got into town and we drank in public, went to dinner at Mama's Meatballs, barhopped downtown, and grabbed some sunshine donuts before heading home and calling it a night.

Saturday started with a donut breakfast and some news updates from the Onion. Hanging out and catching up, walking downtown eating pizza with extra sauce and extra cheese and checking out the cool stores, going to John's birthday party on campus, hiking bishops, me getting new earrings (without studs finally), and eating dinner at Yanagi's Sushi. It was a productive day. I proceeded to fall asleep early that evening on the couch.

It was fun times. Nate, I'm still getting used to your sarcasm because I always believe it! Haha. Ah well, makes life more interesting anyways. It's no secret that I admire him a lot. He's got another girl anyways...half girl at least. Well I guess that there are a few people that I admire. And since I'm not desperate for anything, I guess I don't have a problem letting them know my thoughts, keeping them as good friends, and waiting for one to come to me. Thus I'm being half-proactive lol. Besides, once you date someone and let's say it doesn't work out...they kind of fall out of your life. But friends stay friends for however long you care about each other. And the process will go on until I'm like...I dunno...26? Then maybe I can panic a little more lol. But until then, there's no rush.

I do have my eye out though. :)

Up/Down Life

2007-11-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

My current location: In the Library

There are so many things I want to do. I kind of wish I didn't have any responsibilities and thus could just pursue...everything. I guess that doing everything I do is part of the things I want to do lol.

Anyways, it's been a great Veteran's Day weekend. It was almost like the perfectly balanced weekend. Long enough to get things done...do homework, catch up on work, run errands, send out email updates...and still have fun...go surfing, go out to eat, have friends come to town, talk on the phone.

So...you want to know the truth about me? How you see me when we meet face to face really is how I am. I try not to be two different people and I'm open enough in the beginning to be someone at first and then someone else later. But I really do a bit much more than I can handle. I need a secretary of some sort lol...seriously though I could use one. My school suffers...dearly. I did alright last year...probably even better than usual with my extracurricular activities keeping me going and going. But this year...oh my. It is not a pretty sight. That's about it though. I've got a lot of stuff outside of SLO going on, but the only thing I haven't been able to handle is my poor grades this quarter. That and putting off getting a plane ticket to Denver, Colorado for this winter meaning that I'm gonna have to pay a buttload of money for waiting til the last minute. Sigh.

I don't get mad easily. I admit to turning the living room into a mess, which I'll clean up because it annoys me too. And I think the only roommate problems I have right now is that he doesn't do any dishes or chores. Message to roommate...do your dishes please. I'll talk to him about it later.

Okay, time to write about something new.

Once Again

2007-09-25T02:32:00.000-07:00

As always it seems that so much has happened since my last post. School started for one. Between the time of my last post and school starting on September 17th (one week), I was in San Jose, drove down to San Luis Obispo to do some errands, pick up my Nano (green!), and watch some good tv shows with some good friends. On that same evening I found myself on the road again to Orange County where I proceeded to fall asleep promptly as soon as my head hit the pillow. I definitely don't seem to have a problem falling asleep these days...it's more of staying awake. I would love to sleep for an entire day...what a luxury. I'll treat myself to that soon enough lol. From there I spent a good 30 hours at my Dad's house cleaning and sorting through things. This was over about...two days...and then I drove back up to SLO to prepare for WoW (in which I find that all our booth stuff is locked in the hangar with a key we can't find). Fantastical isn't it? WoW happened without too much excitement out of the ordinary. It was definitely cool, but I'd done this kind of stuff for years now.

A weekend to hang out, do administrative stuff, look for housing, do some hiking and have a lot of home cooked meals (and going out to eat) with friends passed by at a decent rate...being alert and active every second of the day makes every day long and drawn out. That was just one week. Then school started and shit really hit the fan. Guess I should call it more like...ice cream. It definitely hit the fan, but it wasn't that bad. It's like life got insanely busy, but I almost enjoyed it...somewhat. It was balanced out with lunch and ice cream friend dates and dinners and a lot of just hanging out in good company.

The work I do is a lot of administrative work and management for clubs. School is tough and the classes put me to work on any free time I have...but I work with a good crowd. I found a place to live and it's gonna take some work and getting used to, but it's an improvement over time (fixer upper house...and not even mine lol).

I did go up to San Jose on a Friday afternoon and left at 6am the next day back to San Luis Obispo. SWE better love me...although they probably are shaking their heads that I went up to San Jose at all. I needed my Fish! Ah well I got to see good friends.

But enough of what I've done. My schedule is filled to the brim for the most part. Plus I got the Sun Microsystems internship which I'm way stoked about. Interestingly enough they pay me more per hour than IBM did...shweetness. I'm nervous though cause it will involve public speaking, but that's half the reason that I wanted the job...good practice.

What are my thoughts for the day? I do realize that I cannot seem to empathize with people who feel sorry for themselves and put themselves down. I just don't understand why they do it. I can empathize and feel inspired by someone who had a tough past, but is working to improve and be happy with himself (ie happy with himself and not based on what people say), but I just don't feel much of anything to someone who tells me how depressing their life and their past is. I try to help though...think of the positive things in your life. We have so much to be thankful for even when it seems everything is going wrong. I may not have a bed to sleep on, but I have a roof over my head. I may not have the mattress under me, but I've got a sleeping bag and a nice carpet. It shouldn't have to be something that you have to analyze to think over and go through, but just...there.

Anyways, it's getting late. I think I'm showing sick symptoms, but hopefully it's all just mental. I have a stuffy nose and my head is a little cloudy and my throat has gone dry, but maybe it's because my lifestyle is taking a toll on me right now. I think that once I get settled into my place that I can finally step back and breathe. Then...I'll sleep for an entire day. :)

Homelessness

2007-09-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

Ah to be homeless. I must say it makes time fly by faster than you can imagine. And it makes for minimal down time which can make any person go crazy. To not impose is to not over extend your stay at any one place...which makes living moment to moment a skill of communication, poise, and organization. And it also becomes a game of who you know. And you find out who your real friends are. :)

So that's been me. I've had minimal down time, and have rarely stayed in one place during the day for more than a few hours...with the exception of times of sleeping. Can't say I've got all the skills down, but I manage to get by, get things done, and have a little bit too much fun along the way. I doubt there's been a dull moment yet. A few disappointments yes, but they are expected.

But wow...how my life has taken so many changes this summer. It's definitely dividable into chapters of what I'd like to think would be an interesting book...story of my life lol. This last chapter of my summer has been the most intriguing by far. The people I knew here on internships have for the most part ended and left. Some I won't see again...but most have already gone back to SLO. That is where I need to be, but at the same time I don't want to leave this place yet...not yet.

So the last chapter begins with the beach house. At this point I have made a new group of friends that have helped shape me and learn more about myself...in a sense...the hard way lol. And I have now had my immersion into an official party person label that I need now get myself out of. You know...the kind where weekends start on Thursday and don't end until Monday morning lol. But that's because I am living moment to moment and don't have to worry about work or school. It lasted all of two weeks that I could afford lol. I added more guys to my interest list and had my first dilemma of actually liking more than one guy and not knowing which one I liked better. Hehe it was more of something fun for me. I'm leaving the area so it's not exactly like I could let myself get attached anyways...although I wouldn't let that cancel out future options lol. Anyways...

I've become really really good friends with one of the guys, almost to the extent of dating, but not really. We wouldn't work out. We're not each other's types. We don't share a lot of the same dating ideas or personality traits...although that might have been a recent change for me over the summer. But it's turned this into a unique friendship. Someone I like, but don't at the same time? Haha hmmm. Guess you can say I've very fond of my new friend. I had two friends like that in SLO...they were so close and did everything together you'd think they were dating...but they weren't and I couldn't figure out how that worked. Now I understand lol. And I love it.

As for the others, I think I've finally shifted to one. I mean, it's obvious, but for now I'm just having fun. I'm leaving the area, so I want something that will at least last with my final wave goodbye...and friendships last. So that's all I got for now.

Panda Express last week gave me a fortune that said this..."Prepare yourself for life-altering changes in your personal life". Don't think I'll be taking this little fortune cookie lightly ever...whether it came now (appropriately), or even any time in my future. My life is definitely changing constantly...and definitely never dull. :)

Pyla

2007-08-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

I've got two days of work left. And as I sit here, just relaxing after a work day in my office at work...playing Texas Holdem on facebook (yea I tell other people who do that they have no life lol)...I start to wonder about a lot of things. Boys...I'd just left the last dating pool of guys behind too...and thought I was done for the summer lol, til now...kinda at least.

And at this point, I'd say I matured a lot more over this summer. Learned a lot more about myself, and people in general. Learned to be content with myself and on my own. I learned how to be a better friend.

Like I've mentioned before, it's been a pretty rough summer. One to go down in the books. You can probably make a story off of it, though I have yet to see some final fantasy conclusion to my story...it just goes on, one chapter coming to a close.

How did it start out? Haha how honest do I want to be when my life holds so many other people in it. When does it become okay to come out and tell my life and not affect anyone else in a negative way...just as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow. Tell someday I guess. It's not like this little note is going to be that widespread. I get the feeling the people who read these blogs don't have a clue who I really am. But who knows...it's the internet right? Sheesh.

I was dating someone throughout last year, though I didn't know it at the time. It's not really dating, but looking back on it now, it's just easier to say so. He was cool, respectable, fun, a natural leader, intelligent, good looking...but had a side that I'd never seen before, and that was problematic because I had already trusted the side of him I did see. I won't go into describing him or the story leading up to the end further. Just jump to the end. What he wanted was purely physical...and I couldn't escape him under the circumstances that tied us together. It didn't help that a part of me liked him a bit too...the good side of him was very good. But what he wanted in the end wasn't what I wanted. I'm not that kind of girl. You hear stories of girls doing that all the time...sigh. After a final stand, and miscommunication and loss of trust between us, it was all hell from there until mid summer for me. Emails and hearing him yell...putting me down...with things that weren't always true. He is the only friend I've ever lost. And he was a very good friend at one point too. And by this time, I was more than happy to walk away. I look back on it now and am glad that cannot recall saying anything I regretted out of anger. I put my best effort into not judging others to the test. This was well supported by another good friend of mine.

Sometime after that, I was dating someone else, though I didn't know it either lol. This wasn't really a rough patch. We had a lot of fun, but maybe spent too much time hanging out in the beginning. I dunno. After the last guy, I had a paranoia of guys only wanting to be physical. I held this one at arm's length. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Anyways, that might have been what pushed him away. But it was probably better that way anyways. I don't think we would have been much compatible at this time in our lives. He'd make a good business partner, or good roommate, but that's about all I got for now.

Hehe by this point, I'd let someone get to close, and then kept someone too far.

But other than that, work itself was a pain. I won't deny it. I'm doing the same thing full time workers on my team do. I wish I had my own project. Not only that but the project deadline got pushed up by an entire year, so all formalities were thrown out the window. Nothing was documented. And my my team was too busy to really help me. I lost motivation. It went in a cycle.

I did other things this summer, met a lot of new people, built up more contacts and put on tours at IBM and Google for students and other interns.

Then my Dad passed away. It was expected...yet unexpected. I mourned and now hold him in remembrance. I wonder if I was the daughter he'd always wanted. He taught me patience and showered me with love however he could. I know this. He didn't have to tell me. There's something about having your own blood carry a terminal illness your entire life. You have an empathy that nobody else can fathom...and it spreads on others. I never really had a dad, and yet I did. I keep wondering if I would have wanted a different life. A dad to play in the park with...someone to teach me tennis and take me to the movies and threaten boys who date me lol. Anyways, I would have wanted it to be different for him. I know he would have loved all those things...and that it must've killed him to see my uncles pick me up and play with me as a kid when he couldn't. I grew up learning something more. I find myself different that other people.

Anyways, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of this. More of the administrative stuff. Although I am sad that I cannot even ask him what his favorite flower is to put on his grave, I am glad that he is no longer in pain.

And as always, I met more people this summer. How, I don't know. They just happen...almost randomly lol. A few more dates, which were wonderful by the way. Lots of surfing. Learning to skateboard (just cruise). Planning out goals. Reading.

My phone got stolen. That sucked. Still does since I lost all your phone numbers. :(

And then I make a trip to LA which makes a sub-chapter in itself. I met wonderful people there. Had a small traumatic experience...that I don't remember lol. But the friends I did know...now they're really really great friends. And the ones that I met for the first time...amazing people. I've wondered more than once how we all randomly crossed paths. And I will admit that I am more than intrigued by some. Good hearts. Genuine. Intelligent. And they make me laugh. You know, they're rare lol. Anyways, I'm more than stoked to have new friends of such sorts.

My car got broken into...that was a first in my life. It's one of those things you hear happen to everyone else, but never really think it'll happen to you. Well...it sure does suck lol. But life goes on. No need to dwell on it.

A few more goodbye parties. Being homeless in a week. Interviewing for another job. Looking for a place to live and put my stuff. Closing off with my current job. Should keep me busy for the rest of the week and until school starts lol. Life is what you make of it. Better make it good and worth your while...and enrich the lives of others along the way. :)

Dazed

2007-08-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm mellow these days. It's happened to me before. It's not so much of why I feel this way, but more of how long it will last this time. I think I'm a fairly happy person. My problem is my damn sensitivity. Naiveness. The fact that something is missing. And I know what it is.

Anyways, this feeling is rare. It's the time when I can smile and laugh and people will stop to ask me what's wrong. Nothing. Nothing is ever really wrong. Things happen...they're sometimes bad, but the best we can do is keep going right? No need to bring anyone else down especially since I know I won't be this way for long. It never lasts. Life experience has taught me that much.

These are also the times when I don't feel anything anymore. Like nothing else could go wrong and make me feel any worse. For the most part, these are the times when I've already been broken. So I can't be broken again...not until I'm fixed at least lol. My head feels like it's in a cloud...everything seems to go by smoothly. My eyes get dry and feel hallow. I talk, but only say what I need to and nothing more. My mind wanders and questions things I already know the answer to. And I don't understand why I do. It's a bizarre feeling really. It's these times when I can take off and leave...go to Italy and Australia and leave everything and everyone behind...without a word. I'll be back someday of course, but I don't need to announce my departure. I just need some time to start over new again. No drama. No hidden stories. No surprises that'll make my heart wrench or put me back in despair.

I think the reason why is because when you go somewhere new...you don't expect anything. Without expectations, you don't get so disappointed. You almost expect something to go wrong or be completely new. It's not as much of a shocking surprise. And many times, it's rather pleasant. New things tend to be so.

Anyways, I got my car window fixed on my lunch break today thanks to Jimmy and Lotus Glass. What a great deal. I also picked up a new IBM badge. While sitting in security, some contractors for IBM walked in talking to the security people like buddies. I sat patiently in the office not really paying any attention. One of them just stood in the crowd and stared at me. I continued to stare at the wall for another minute before shifting my gaze to meet his. It was rather disturbing...someone just blatantly staring at you. He was a middle aged man, and he smiled. I said hello, smiled back, and shifted back to my place at the wall. His buddies and security started up a conversation with me then. I don't think the staring man understood English. Did I really look that zoned out...sad? The conversation between us all in the small room was short. They got my story and gave me some fraud tips...offered me some pastries that they apparently get hooked up with from the back of the office before I finally received my badge and bid them a good day as they opened the door for me. Their kindness did lighten my day, even if only a little. But I will still admit I was intimidated by the staring man. I'm normally intimidated by things I don't understand or can't see myself doing.

I sit here now. Writing every half hour or so some thoughts from the day. Still dazed. Quiet my officemate says about me. I don't feel like a different person. Anyways, I'll be alright in another hour or so. I'm not really mad or anything...more sad, but that'll pass too. I can only be sad for so long since it doesn't take much to make me happy and laugh eh? Okay back to work. Then an evening hike to look forward to...

Broken In

2007-08-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

I walked out the door and it took a second to register. Something looked out of place but I took a few more steps before my bag dropped from my hand. My mind went into instant denial...no no no wake up Michelle. I just stared.

You hear of people's cars getting broken into all the time, but it really strikes home when it happens to you. My car sat there...the surfboard still intact...glass sprinkled everywhere, almost decorative. I wouldn't have been so shocked had I been in the bay area...but here in SLO?

"Did they get you too?" says a voice behind me. I turn around to face a neighbor. The police came to the scene. Juveniles he stated as he dusted my car for prints. They broke into and stole from three cars on that street.

Stupid I remember...I was so stupid. While things like iPods were stolen from the neighbors, the kids had hit jackpot with me. Intending to leave for San Jose last night, I left my purse in my car and walked into the house, where I ended up staying instead. I guess I was lucky because they could have taken so much more...but they left the surfboard, skateboard, clothes...they went through my glove compartment and threw everything around the seats. For the most part, they only took my purse...but that had everything. 'Everything' I repeated in my head. No. No not everything. I still had my phone thank God. And my camera. I had just taken those out the night before. But all my membership cards, credit cards, cash, and at least 300 dollars in gift certificates to various places.

Looking back, it's really not that bad. I don't have access to money for about a week I've found. I can't go to the bars it seems. I spent the entire day running around town getting replacement stuff and on the phone canceling this and that. But I guess it's not that bad. It's just been a rough summer. A really rough summer and this thrown into the mix just puts me in a daze. Sigh. Well I've also learned that taping up the window and driving 70 mph for three hours will drive you nuts...you end up tearing it all off in about 30 minutes I find lol. Better to be cold. I get the window replaced int the morning.

For now I'll listen to my music. It's 2am but I have it on loud so I can't hear anything else through the thin walls here in the house. It's my first night back in my own bed since last Wednesday. This place has become my home, and I move out in a week and a half. I don't know whether to be glad or sad...though I am admittedly both.

Brian just got a new puppy...such an adorable thing. I do kind of wish I could take AJ and Baby along with Fish with me when I leave...but ah the life of a student. And I'll be homeless in two weeks lol. Ah the very interesting life...of me haha. Rich and poor at the same time. Loved and yet unnoticed. Dazed and confused (lately at least). So much to be thankful for...and yet not without being humbled which has forced itself upon me. But perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Makes life more appreciative and interesting in the least.

Looking back. Looking forward.

2007-08-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

So. Once and again. Sometimes I think my life should be made into a book. Then I think about it and I guess everyone's life can be made into a book really.

Anyways, my own thoughts tend to wonder about things like why I write in these blogs. Do I really expect anyone to read it? Do I even want anyone to read it? It's a place where we can be honest, but how honest would I really want to be? I guess in a sense it's not a place to lie really, but there's always something untold lol. In my blogs, well...I love to write my thoughts I know that. :)

It'd be cool to write a book someday. A story to get lost in.

I want to travel. I've discovered a life beyond school and work.

Honestly, I look very forward to the day when I settle down and marry someone I love. It's not really just being in love that's going to catch me though. I believe I can love more than one. I can attest that there is one that I will always love (though not in love) even though I believe he won't be mine. And that's okay. But someone who's going somewhere in life. Loves adventure. High standards for himself. Optimistic. Makes me laugh...that's the easy part lol. Sigh...I dream of being a hopeless romantic. But I'm not stupid. I'm learning how people work. Nobody is perfect. And God knows I make mistakes. Sigh. The best I can do is to not judge. My hope is that I will not judge you because it is not my place to do so.

Until then, I am free and will be free-spirited while I can. I'm gonna travel and meet people world-wide. I'm gonna bring people together and help out those I can. Show this world love...perhaps not romantic, but everyone needs genuine kindness. I'll surf Costa Rica and climb Mt. Fuji and backpack across Europe and New Zealand. I'm gonna ride a horse across grassy plains and live. Perhaps I'm running from something...I'm really not sure. But I'm going to have fun doing it.

What I'm scared of most...a full-time job I do not enjoy and heartbreak.

Sigh, why these random thoughts? So much to think about. And I believe I just inherited an estate. Life changed once again. Sigh.

2007-08-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hahaha. Ha. I look back on my life and I wonder why things happen the way they do. It's like a whole life's story happened between the beginning of summer and the end. My priorities changed. My outlook changed. My lifestyle changed. But when? Why? I don't remember the transition.

Anyways I'm home right now and I've got to cater to the Mom. I love her to death but she drives me absolutely nuts with her requests, questions, and nagging. I know she means well though. It just makes me weary. Okay off to do errands...then back to work.

Week of July 4th

2007-07-11T04:41:00.000-07:00

So this is a week of up and downs...highs and lows.

So I won't lie. I like this guy. At this point it just high interest...no attachments. I think previous relationships have taught me that and I don't know if it's really a good or bad thing. I mean, obviously it's good, but it's gonna take the guy a while for me to really trust him. I dunno, everything seems to depend on the situation or the person...so nevermind. Scratch that I'm trying to describe something that can't be described in only one way. Someone said I don't give people a chance. This is true. Why some and not others...that's even a mystery to me. Sometimes I don't give perfectly legit guys a chance. Oh well. That probably goes for everyone really.

Monday 7.2.07 :

Work
Plan out Alana's 21st birthday with Jimmy Du
We plan on Gordon Bierch and then the bars in downtown SJ
Head to dinner and realize I left my license at home!
Tell Russell the plans and invite him to come on out
Go home to get ID
Come back, eat, drink, be merry
Sing happy birthday to Alana :)
Head over to O'Fahrety's <- I totally spelt that wrong, but it's the same bar that Emily and Kim and I hit up a few weeks before...Memorial Weekend.
Sing happy birthday to Alana
Tequila shots!

Tuesday 7.3.07 :

Work
Chill and talk to old friends
Sleep

Wednesday 7.4.07 :

Santa Cruz yay!
Apotos Parade
Seacliff Beach
Fireworks!
Castles, skateboards, peanut butter, and drinks with Joey
Private Beach Party?

Weekly Recap

2007-07-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while and I'll probably do some backdating on some previous posts, but here's a quick recap since school pretty much got out around my birthday...

Thursday, 6/14 :

IBM Coop BBQ - Which was awesome. Nathan and I won the water balloon toss. And I got to meet a lot of the coops for the first time. Became pretty good friends on that day with Alana, Jimmy and Nathan.

Friday, 6/15 :

Work at IBM in the morning
Lunch with Davidson over at the Googleplex. Yay for connections. The food is good. And lunch time at google is like a gigantic party.
Take off after lunch straight to SLO-town to keep working on moving out of the Los Cerros House
Do a lot of moving and cleaning in SLO, go out and meet some friends downtown at night, then go hang out at Russell's apartment with his roommates and drink Pina Colatas <- I can't spell I know.

Saturday, 6/16 :

Sleep in until about 1:30pm <- omg!
Do some moving work to storage
3pm - Lunch with Tyler and Dustin at Nucci's
More moving
8:30pm - Drive up to San Jose - Now the intention was to be up in SF for my birthday...which fell through because even though I could have pulled it off with my good friends, by that time I was beyond pooped after a day of moving and driving, so I decided to just call it a night at my place.

Sunday, 6/17 :

1:30am - Russell comes over and we celebrate over a few beers and stories :)
10:30am - Shopping at Oakridge. Who woulda thought that colors were so important? Bought my new longboard to cruise around on. I sucked at boarding at this point lol. And go figure it's called the NorCal...didn't live that one down so well lol.
Cancel all my birthday plans to just kick back and relax with Kim. We made beef stroganoff for lunch and went for a longboard ride around the neighborhood.
Got ready and met Gloria up in SF for a birthday dinner.
Dinner at Osha's with Gloria, Kim, and Russell.
Got lost in San Francisco and crossed a bridge...oops.
Dropped off Gloria and Kim.
Couldn't find Steve in Downtown San Jose.
12:30am - Ran out of gas looking for Steve. Did some car pushing. Got some random help from some gansta looking kids. Some guy almost hit my car in the lot with his truck to stop and ask us for a light. <- shady!
1:30am - Skateboarded around downtown SJ looking for an open gas station...no luck.
2:30am - AAA saved us.
3:00am - Got home safely. Poor Russ crashing at my place had to get ready before his first day of work in...five hours lol.
4:30am - Finally got to sleep.

Monday, 6/18 :

Work at IBM...late
Dinner with Russ
11pm - Took a joy ride around town to charge a car battery lol.

Tuesday, 6/19 :

Coop dinner after work with Alana, Samuel, Nathan, Jimmy, Huy (from Poly), and another person I didn't know...at BJ's.

Thursday, 6/21 :

IBM Beer & Banter - Hung out with anyone and everyone. One of the last to be lounging around.
Busted out the longboard in the IBM parking lot.
Got tricked into a date by a coworker lol. But the dinner food was good.

Friday, 6/22 :

Staying late for deadlines kept me from going surfing after work.
Went shopping at Valley Faire with Jimmy Du
Got my favorite ice cream mix at Coldstones
Drove to Santa Cruz to hang out and hit up a bar

Saturday, 6/23 :

Surfing with Kim and Russell in Capitola. It sucked because the waves were rather non-existent...think lake water. But I caught a two footer or so. Eh. I still love the ocean anyways.
Dinner in downtown SC at Vallarta's with Kimmers and Russ.
My foot's been hurting all day. Oh, that's why, there's a piece of glass stuck in there!
Movie: Evan Almighty
Drive to SLO

Sunday, 6/24 :

Clean out Russell's apartment.
Clean out my house.
Dinner with random friends in SLO...Darcie and Annie yay!
Drive back to Santa Cruz...late.

Monday, 6/25 :

Work sucks right now.
Take a cruise around town to Starbucks as my destination on my longboard.

Tuesday, 6/26 :

Go through hell day because of work stress and old housing issues going on in SLO. I was called unreasonable for not being able to just take the next day (tomorrow) off on a whim. I work full-time! + a deadline.
Go through more headache and heartache after work over all this housing crap.
Go to Safeway to pick up a ton of food for my Good Belly Food Party on Wednesday. Wow that cost a lot lol. But it'll be worth it. :)
12-2am - Do food preparation for the party...mostly cutting up all the food.

Wednesday, 6/27 :

Good Belly Food Party! Lots of people, good food. :)

Dinner: Sweet n Sour Pork, Rice, Beef Dish, Grilled Potatoes
Dessert: Apple Crisp and Ice Cream!
Drinks: Wines, juices, sodas and beers

Everyone stayed longer than I expected and it was so much fun. Thanks for coming everyone!!! You made my entire week. :D

Thursday, 6/28 :

Take another cruise around town to my Starbucks destination.
In good company. Watched America's Sweethearts (it's eh okay). Did a lot of laundry.

Friday, 6/29 :

Sigh, I got stood up for a movie which I had turned down other plans for, but it's alright. Probably my fault for not finding out sooner.
Went to downtown Mountain View. Cute little street. We watched a pretty violent bar fight. Nobody got hurt though.
I'm dating? I never know how this relations stuff works anymore. I feel like I've made my mistakes and learned from them, been taken advantage of before, had flings (didn't think they were at the time though). I don't want drama...I just want to have fun with the people I care about. And it feels good to have someone you care about. :)

Saturday, 6/30 :

Slept in.
Lunch with Kimmers.
Drive to San Francisco to check out the Golden Gate Park. No archery today cause the place was closed (despite the sign that says open Mon - Sat...that's silly). But we had fun and checked the place out...bison, fields, ducks, polo field, fitness trail, interesting paths that look like they lead somewhere...
Sugar low...I'm asleep so fast in the car ride home.
Eat a lot back at Kim's house.
Meet Russell at Adobe, check out the place (uh, way awesome) office and game room.
Get frustrated with night plans and who's doing what.
Walk around being silly on the streets of Downtown SJ.
Fahrenheit Lounge
Haha sardines!

Sunday, 7/1 :

Homemade pancakes for breakfast on the patio.
Hang out with Gloria at Santana Row and grab some food in downtown San Jose.
Take a five hour nap.
Write this recap.
I'm going to sleep again now. :) See ya!

Ticks

2007-06-07T16:46:00.001-07:00

Whew, I thought I had found a tick in my belly button, but after some examination I discovered it to merely be a case of belly button lint. Hehe.

Food Cravings?

2007-06-07T16:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in bed supposedly doing "work"...but I have this craving for some totally unhealthy junk food. Good thing I'm too lazy to go out of the house to actually get some lol.

Meetings in SLO

2007-06-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

What a fun day. I woke up this morning to start working from home, then took a shower and cut my bangs (yea...smart move to do a cut right before a meeting eh? lol), and headed out to meet up with Donna at 11am. I ran into Dan on the way across campus which was nice as always. I arrived at my destination after getting a little lost and she came out to greet me in a comfy pair of pants and over sized sweater. Hehe I thought it was great that she could come to work in whatever she wanted. We took a walk to campus market to get some drinks and chat, and sat down in the shade on the way back to the office. It was a really pleasant time. I feel like if I had been at the interview (instead of over the phone), I would have totally been in the Ambassador program. But this meeting, which I had no expectations (or ideas on why it was happening really in the first place) turn out to open a few more doors for me. Donna asked me to get involved in different ways and that we'd brainstorm a few ways in the mean time...a position that I wouldn't have to interview for, as she said.

After that I stopped by the CSC office to meet with Cindy and Diane for banquet and coop questions to be taken care of. Then it was on to grabbing a bean and rice burrito and heading up to the SDL to do some work. I ran into a lot of people including Bobby who decided to join me upstairs. I was so tired though, so through all the noise in the room, I was able to take a half hour nap until Kendra called me. We talked for a few minutes and then she came up to join me in the SDL where we talked and laughed at a lot of things. Russell called me and he came up to join us too around the time that Bobby took off for class. Russ was looking a bit gloomy...I hope he's alright. And I was still half asleep, out of words, talking slow, and talking gibberish. Kendra just laughed at me. Then Paul met us upstairs and we all headed out...Kendra downstairs and the rest of us to the IEEE room where I finally got to meet Davidson from Google. We met up with the IEEE guys and went to chat outside on Dexter Lawn. I had thought that Davidson was cool and easy to work with over email...he is way cooler in person. I was very impressed with him and Google.

After the meeting Russell and I grabbed some grub up at the Avenue. I can't wait until everyone starts moving up to the bay for their coops and internships. I hung out in the SWE office for some down time to unwind after such a high energy day, then met up with Tyler for some on campus food with Cameron. We ran into Danielle on the way and detoured to take a look at the architecture projects. Then we met up with Cameron and Steven at Garden Grille and ate some more grub (not me cause I already ate), and told stories before heading out. Oh yea, Danielle also cough/laughed and spilled her water all over herself. That was the highlight of the evening lol.

Then it was off to pick up some apples from the market and go over to Tyler's house to make some apple crisp. I had a small change of plans and met Kendra at my house after the market instead. We talked about life and boys and took a look at dresses to wear for the banquet on Friday. Good thing I was indecisive and brought quite a few of them back with me from San Jose! So after talking to Kendra, and then chatting with Andrew, I headed back over to Tyler's to watch Bend it Like Beckham with Erica and bake apple crisp with Tyler. What a fun evening! What a fun day!

Sunday Church

2007-05-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

I went to the main service of Jubilee today. Wow it's huge. And there were floods of people. I walked in as an usher looked at me wondering how many I was with and I held up my fingers for...one. They passed me one usher to another until someone said here's a seat for you. I looked at it for a second..."Reserved." He smiled at me and walked away.

The service was a lot of announcements for a lot of events, and a gospel-like worship. I wasn't really feeling it since it was so big...too big to really feel intimate with God really. But the message was still good. The pastor instilled the message right into your heart.

Something I learned about love. Three things:

Sacrifice. You sacrifice for the ones you truly love.
Service. You tell them you love them, and show them. Don't assume they "just know."
Courage. You can't love someone out of fear, or it'll turn into something bad.

A lady sitting next to me talked to me and asked me about myself today. It was a nice welcome really, feeling like you exist in such a big mush pot. After church I just randomly drove around town, talking on the phone and getting myself lost on purpose. I had no idea where I was or where I was going, and it was nice. I talked to Mom, Matt, and Tyler...Tyler who keeps my faith and sanity in check lol. Eventually I came across a large parking lot and drove in. Long behold, I was at Santana Row. It was beautiful...european-ish. I walked around the Farmer's Market (only on Sundays what a good coincidence), and bought fresh strawberries and a baked potato for lunch. I found a lawn and sat down on the grass to eat and listen to some live music. Then I left and found a freeway and headed over to Kim's house. I was hoping to go to Santa Cruz for some surfing, but it's been put off for yet another day. It's her dad's birthday today (my lil brother's too!), and she wanted to be back for dinner.

Haha I talked to Sabrina this afternoon cause she's in town. And again I got a "what is there to do around here?" I had to laugh because I don't know why people keep asking me that when they're the ones from around here. Anyways, now I'm just kickin back. I'm thinking of pulling up Invisible Children on my computer, thanks to Megan who sent me a letter saying she's gonna head to Uganda for a few weeks because the movie changed her life. What a great cause...I assume...I still have to see the movie lol.

Pirates!

2007-05-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

So today was the special IBM showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. They had rented out eight movie screens at ACM Saratoga. So with everyone at my house (Kim, Emily, Brian, Erik, and me), we all headed out in Brian's SUV (Emily's sister met us at the theater). It was really fun. Brian is cool, and Erik's adorable. He just turned 19 a few weeks ago lol...quite a young one. Lots of talk and chatter in the car, as if we'd all known each other for a long time (even though everyone else had just met each other, except for me).

Now I thought the movie was really good. It wasn't what I expected, but it was still great in my books. Can't say everyone else says the same. I'm not a very critical person though lol. "Nobody move! I think I dropped my brain!" Jack Sparrow was my favorite character by far. Although I'm wishing that the pirate fashion (on Mr. William turner) should come back into style because it's so...hot. ;)

We grabbed some lunch back near home with Kim, Emily, and Erik, and we took off while Erik was saying hi to a friend (we'd waited, but he was taking too long). But...he called me to say bye after he found us gone, and that said that we would grab food at a nicer place next time. That was nice. What a sweet kid. Then it was back to the house to relax, do some computer work, and shoot some pool.

Week Recap

2007-05-26T00:58:00.000-07:00

So pretty much a week has gone by. And I'm adjusting fine. Days are busy from start to end...from not being able to get off my sleeping spot on the floor in the morning, to falling asleep on the floor at night with my laptop still open and the lights still on haha. This new life keeps me busy...but it's not better than what I had. It doesn't even come close.

I drove back up to San Jose on Tuesday morning straight to work and stayed in the office until 2:30am that day. I got all my stuff set up though...dual monitors, pictures, wires and cables, snacks, etc. I had a meeting with my manager and I asked about getting more training or shadowing on the job. It's been put into action, so this I am glad of. I'm finally starting to understand what on earth I'm doing...a month later. Funny thing is that after my meeting, my manager asked to speak with me, but we kept missing each other...so she finally sent me an email instead. She knew that times were tough for me and she thought she'd noticed a black eye on me during our small meeting. I assured her that I have not been physically harmed. That was odd though. I know I haven't been sleeping well...so maybe it shows?

Wednesday was a relatively normal day at work. Thursday was too. And Friday I worked from home because they told me to (nobody was in the office that day). But after work is when things got fun.

On Wednesday, I stopped by the Starbucks intending to grab a coffee to keep me awake for the evening, and to ask my new friend Erik if he'd like to go to see Pirates with me on Saturday. The funniest thing though. While I was standing around I ran into someone else, Ryan, who worked there and he was nice...older I could tell. A small conversation started and turns out he just moved to the area too from the east coast, so he wanted to hang out sometime and asked to exchange numbers. Wow that was fast from a two minute conversation. I won't lie I was surprised. But it's flattering I guess. I took a seat and Erik started talking to me from behind the counters. I followed the conversation and asked him if he'd like to come with us to the movies and he said sure! Haha that made my day. I already have a diverse group of new friends. It's kind of nice because he's still so young...just turned 19 lol. And don't laugh at me, he's just my new buddy. I'm over boy drama, so I'm not gonna be looking for anyone for a while.

Anyways I left and headed up to Jubilee where I walked in and people on staff still remembered me. I sat in on the service and worship. It was good...a very powerful message put into conversation that youth can understand and follow. Lots of stories and examples, and chances for exciting opportunities. I practically wanted to jump up and volunteer to go. It's interesting to me how the worship band plays like it's a rock concert. Not that it's the music that surprised me, but the center of attention and applause, etc. It's great and they do a wonderful job and wow those kids are talented, but it takes away from the purpose of God being the main spotlight on stage. Though, this is just me so it could be different for everyone else. It's not place to judge anyways. I stayed and talked and played a silly fun game with some of the older kids afterwards before heading out. I picked up my uncle from Cisco on my way out and headed back to his house for dinner with the family. Pho...mmm...homemade. Kim and I hung out but I was pooped so I feel asleep pretty fast that night.

On Thursday, I met up with Megan and we went to go shopping and see Shrek the Third at the Oakridge Mall. We bought a buncho candy over at Target and smuggled it all into the theater. Ahaha it was the best idea and worst idea ever. Candy is great. But on the other hand, candy is not so great! Haha...ah the health nut in me...who'da thought? The movie was pretty good. I actually liked it better than the first two.

Friday was checking out another bible study called GRX over in Saratoga. I left early since Kim and Emily were coming down after work to visit me down in South San Jose. They said it felt foreign to them since they never come around here...even though they live only a half hour away lol. We went to Downtown San Jose to grab dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory and walk around. Some parts of downtown were really pretty (including the area around Adobe, Russell I'm so jealous! Lol). The girls were very indecisive and kept asking me what to do. I had to laugh at this because I'm not the one from the bay area! We checked out some place for dancing which I don't have a problem saying it sucked. And finally ended up at a pub. The girls ordered beers and I got my water (DD) and we took a table. Ah, here's the story element. A guy approached us using his buddy as an excuse to talk to us. It was obvious. He said that he wanted us to go over to his buddy and take pictures with him so there would be proof that his buddy came downtown. Um, it's my camera lol. We said if they were so bold, to come over and sit at our table. So they did. Average looking at first, but they grew on you. The first one, Shawn (Shaun?), was well...wasted. I never really tried to hold a conversation with him. Emily tried though. The second one was not, and so he sat next to me and we talked and played some games of quarters (well, more like pennies and nickels on tall pint glasses lol). When I got them in he'd drink it all though haha. I admit, he was cool. You could tell that this isn't what he normally does...more like just a drink after work. Well, that's the impression I was getting anyways.

Two kickers that night. They wanted to guess my age...not a day over 20 they said. I raised my eyebrows and they said 19? I looked at them and said hello I'm in a pub. Haha. Second kicker...I asked Mike what he did for a living and he responded that he didn't want to bore me. I egged it out of him and he said that he was a computer engineer and was working at...Cisco. Oh. my. gosh. Ahaha that's probably the least boring topic brought up all night. Wow I'm such a nerd. But I did a lot with Cisco this year. Ebrah's gonna work there. My uncle works there. I wanted to work there doing hands on networking. And shoot, a normal everyday computer engineer sitting right next to me. Kim and Emily told me later to stop taking all the normal engineers haha. Anyways yea we talked and it was cool. A while later his buddy was gonna pass out so he called a cab and dragged Mike out the door. I could have asked for his number, but like I said I'm not looking...so I didn't. I think he wanted to ask also, since he kept hesitating when his friend pulled on his arm to catch the taxi sitting outside, but I didn't say anything and his buddy had his arm. So they left. And that's it. Interesting evening.

IBM Remote and Hikes

2007-05-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

So I couldn't get up in the morning because of feeling horrible (which doesn't normally happen much)...whether it was because I was down or coming down with something I couldn't tell. I received permission to work remotely and started my work.

In the afternoon I went to campus to get some stuff done. On a whim I filed to be part of the CSC Fee Committee for next year. Interesting. I turned in a lot of paperwork, worked out some more Banquet stuff, then raced home to grab my bike to bike back to school for a hike that Erik had put on and Tyler called me about. All the usuals for our weekly hikes would be there...except Camron (we missed you!), and we added a few more, including Kara! Yay! I got to see her afterall. We hiked up past the horses and up a mountain then down a non-existent path into Poly Canyon. It was so pretty. This is why I love SLO. It's glorious and so beautiful. God really shines to me in this town. He leaves reminders of his presence...everywhere, I feel.

Sunday Church

2007-05-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

Church was this morning and I was surprised to see Erik there. I thought he'd still be out of town rafting the Kings. I can see how he sees now though, and it's sad if he's feeling how I think he feels..like me. I think he's just tired of it all...weary. I never hurt him, but it's been a burden I'm sure just to put up with such an off beat friendship. Sometimes we were more than friends, like still dating...and others I was like a stranger. I can see it being hard. And if he feels like I do towards this other side, I just don't really care to care anymore. I want to, but it's hard and draining. I tried one last time to make things right between another friend.

The cliff note version...we talked and I asked for the source of the problem. I was told a story hesitantly because he didn't want to get anyone else involved. I was shocked, taken back, and relieved all at the same time. It was a lot of he said she said that had been misinterpreted and I even had a witness at the time of this conflict to say that I did not (and would not) do such a thing. The gossip was not true, although I won't lie I think I made a comment on being uncomfortable at the time (which ended that conversation and prompted a new one), which might have been taken more seriously than intended. But I was not lying. I really was uncomfortable. Anyways, even though I feel kind of more at peace, I still hurt...really bad...from everything...still. That sucked.

But the day went by and I took things as they came. It unfolded into something better. A friend joined me at the LCM BBQ for lunch and to talks some business issues for a club. And then I went home, chatted with the roommates, then went upstairs to get things done. I brought ice cream to a friend and watched some rafting on the discovery channel and then headed over to visit Tyler and meet his friend Taylor who was visiting SLO for the week. We talked, laughed, sang, laughed some more, drank juice and then I went home and went to sleep. I was feeling better, but I was still down. Does this feeling never go away?

Kate's 21st

2007-05-20T02:30:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo for Kate's 21st birthday downtown! I love how happy she gets lol. And she had very good friends taking care of her. I must say I missed my dancing buddy though. But the girls know how to dance it up yaya. Woodstocks for pizza afterwards.

Turns out that Eric and Jordan were downtown too. And Russell, who went to a Pink and Black party that Sabrina and I guess I decided not to go to lol. Missed em all downtown though, but it's okay. Nothing eventful happened directly to me that evening, which although it makes it more interesting, was actually a nice evening break.

Matt and John in SLO

2007-05-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Mateo was in SLO-town today with his new roommate John. This was most of the reason why I came back home to SLO. It was really great to see him and catch up on things from home. We had breakfast at Nautical Bean with Cristy, and walked downtown for a while (where both the boys bought new skate/long boards). Then came back home and hiked up Bishop's Peak with Andrewsky, took showers, and went out to dinner at Mondeo's with Sabrina. It really was a lot of fun. I admit that this weekend wasn't the best weekend though because my emotions are all over the place. I tried to just keep it distant and listen to what the boys wanted to do and make it happen and fun. I was rather mellowed out really. During the showers, I received something that put me over the edge. Not so much in anger, but it hurt...really bad. I couldn't look at anyone. Matt was worried over what was wrong, but I wouldn't speak. I needed to be alone, but I didn't want to be alone at the same time. I wanted to hurt something, but knew I couldn't so I wanted to hurt myself. But it's sad really...I can't hurt myself even because I don't want to hurt other people...and being logical, doing anything to myself is going to hurt and affect those around me as well. So I just sat there doing nothing, inwardly imploding my anger and hurt and letting it all out in just a few tears. And the bible...that helped. Sabrina came up to talk to me and I wouldn't talk much. I couldn't. I'm not here to turn anyone against anyone and here I am holding it all in. She stayed until she was sure I was alright, then we all went out to eat and I apologized for my spontaneous mellowness. And I moved on.

Sigh. It was so nice to have Matt and John in town...Sabrina too. And I couldn't even enjoy it much because of I guess...me. Gosh hurting hurts. But why? Why am I being put through this. Does God really want me to? Does he think I can really survive this? I'm not as strong as Jesus. I feel the breaking point and I'm worried. But I'll be alright. It'll pass right? The beautiful thing about time. Matt was trying to be funny and silly to cheer me up. It really did, but not much on the outside. I hope he knows that I appreciated it. A wonderful friend to do that when he doesn't even know what's going on.

Anyways, after dinner, the boys and I watched Bad Boys II up in my room to kill time before their friend called them cause she was in SLO too. When she did, they left, and then left back for the OC afterwards that same night. I think they got in at about 3am...craziness.

Enchantments

2007-05-18T23:50:00.000-07:00

So what can I be thankful for this time? I came home and hung out and lied back in my bed with my arms spread out and eyes staring at the ceiling. It felt good to be back in SLO. The SWE Spring Fling Dance called Engineering Enchantment was tonight. I just hung out and got ready for the evening rather methodically...more of for something to keep me busy rather than getting really excited for the evening. I was waiting for Sabrina to get home so I could hang and go out with her that evening. I decided to give my style a different look too so I picked up my curling iron and tried the impossible...to give my hair curls...or waves...anything of some sort lol. It worked actually. I found out the key was to do it before my hair dried straight. It's not very style-able after that point. Sabrina would come up and down the stairs with an outfit or something to talk about so when I heard a knock on my door I just yelled "Come in!" above the noise of my air blowing curling iron without even looking at the door. The door opened and it was someone I didn't expect. I didn't say a word as a piece of paper and a certificate was handed to me. I looked at them, then up again, as I put them slowly on the ground. I received a look before the person left and the door closed. I had the curling iron in my hand and I wasn't even aware of it. I was just looking sadly at the paper and certificate. A minute passed and I returned to what I was doing, trying to think of other things instead. I heard another knock on the door and I gave a hesitant "Come in." Sabrina opened the door and came in with a few outfits for me to give opinions on. She looked at me and I tried to smile. This wasn't the best time for me.

I had tried. I had felt like I put myself on the line. And in the end I had just hung myself up to dry. Nothing was coming out good anymore. I'd written a letter in hopes of setting things right, apologizing and explaining situations without receiving any back in return. I was putting myself in a situation that wouldn't be advised because if I was the one to give in...put myself lower, the other person might think that he's all right and did nothing wrong...when really he did too. But I figured I'd do it if it set things right. It'd be worth it. I still cared. But in the end it was nothing...for nothing. I was going to be judged anyways. Things weren't going to get better, and I was still going to hurt. I was still going to have to hurt. I've been told things I hope to never hear again. But maybe I can see why my words were provocative. Maybe it was my mistake to say anything at all...

Anyways, Sabrina and I went to the Madonna Inn. We danced, took silly pictures, ate cake, and talked to a lotta people. I wasn't feeling it much though. I sat and stared at pictures of old friends on my camera. Some girls dragged me from the table onto the dance floor. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't because I was driving. I wanted to drink myself to sleep.

We went home and I've been in a zone. That kind of buzzing zone where things are wrong and you're not alright, but there's nothing you can do about it, so you go to this zone...a temporary nothingness. I took two shots of tequila to put me out and took my normal spot on the couch when I drink and zone, and because I don't have any sheets on my bed in my room. I'll be out soon, very soon.

Ambassador Interview

2007-05-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

I just had a phone interview for the ceng ambassadors...I'm still jittery. I wish that they had called at an earlier time like Wednesday before the sky fell down on me. I had my moments where I didn't know what to say (which is normally alright), but I stuttered or made some hmm and um sounds that weren't necessary. It was easy only talking to Elyse the whole time, but I knew that there were a lot of other people in the room just listening to my voice. I wish they could have met me in person, although I do know of some of them who know me already...how well I don't really know. I'm thinking back now on other interviews I've sat in on or given and I'm trying to think of what I liked and didn't like about them...like what was it that made me go yes! after it was over, or hmm, not too sure about that person.

I really hope that I get it, especially now that ACM pulled one on me and exempted me from the elections so I couldn't even run. I was really hoping to see it grow. But maybe it happened for a reason. I'm actually pretty okay with it for now. I have a good position in SWE, and I can invest my other time elsewhere. There's so much to do! Too much to get involved with! You can't try something new if you don't let the old things go...even if they were your life. Wow, so philosophical. I guess I should take my own words on other parts of my life too eh? Sigh, life...it's so hard.

Hey Dad

2007-05-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

"I stopped by to see Jackson this afternoon. When I walked into his room, Jackson's eyes were open and he appeared to be looking right at me. As I approached him, I noticed his eyes did not focus on me. While his eyes were open, Jackson was not aware of my presence."

Where are you Daddy? Where did you go to? Are you going to come back to me soon?

How to be a better person

2007-05-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

How to be a better person.

1. Know that bad things happen...all the time.
2. Recognize your faults and flaws
3. Be honest with yourself and others...if you messed up, suck up your pride and admit to it
4. Don't be prideful
5. Don't respect anyone less because they hurt you
6. That person who just makes you crumble inside with frustration...love them anyways.
7. Think of all the good things you have to be thankful for.

That's all I got for now. I'll elaborate on them more later and compare them to my own lifestyle.

High highs and Low lows

2007-05-17T01:52:00.000-07:00

Can I trade this life in now for something else? A little piece of heaven maybe? I've decided that I'm over it. That I'm doomed if I do and if I don't.

It was a good day in a sense that I got two more companies officially on board for the ACM Banquet. They called, they paid, we're all happy. I talked to people today and it was good talks. I was keeping busy, in a good mood, and now all the sudden I may have more plans than I want to have lol. There's potential for Hawaii, skydiving, special movie showing, slo trips, visiting my dad, visiting sabrina, ACM Banquet, Google meetings, hanging out with Megan, my new roommate, my cousin, and Gloria, and friends from home coming up to visit me in SLO.

Of course, nothing is ever all good. I really am in one of those states right now where one thing seems to go wrong after another, and I'm getting numb to it really. Just accept it and move on with life. But I won't lie it affects me still and hits me hard at times.

Apparently ACM created new bylaws that I wasn't aware of and it hindered me from running in the officer elections for next year. Yea, it's not that I didn't get elected, I can't even run. I tried to plea my part, but they said no. That's crap, because I was so busy doing...well what do you know...things for ACM. It's been eating into my time and abilities at IBM...and I'm not going to let it do that anymore. In a sense, I just care less.

On another note, I had a friend who I cared for very much, and still do actually. But it was to a point where I'd be happy to see him and I felt like he'd turn something I said against me and accuse me of things...and yea the happy feeling left me. This seemed to happen over and over. I had already genuinely apologized for my mistakes. Yea, I did make mistakes, although they were never intentional, and never meant to hurt. But anyways, all those times he would call me things were bringing me down...way down...give me a gun so I can shoot myself down. I decided that I didn't want to feel so low anymore, and he'd been mentioning in our previous conversations that we shouldn't be friends or that he didn't know why we should be friends, so I went to him and finally told him there's nothing left in our friendship. I couldn't take it anymore. That was probably mistake number two. It is true yes, but considering I'm normally one to see things as how they can be, it wasn't necessarily the right thing to do, even though it seems like it is. I don't like painful situations, but I'd rather sit through them and work them out than walk away. Anyways, he's definitely ignoring me now, and I'm still being called stupid names. Great. The worst thing is that I don't care that we lead separate lives. But I still care that he's being different to me. When I said not friends anymore, I wasn't going to treat him different...we just weren't going to hang out like friends. I'm not going to respect him any less. After all this time I still don't have anything against him. Galatians tells me I shouldn't, and I agree. I made a mistake. He did too. But I can't be the only one to forgive. Or well...I guess I can. But I won't lie, this feeling sucks.

Dad's still in a coma-like state. I wish he'd wake up soon. I want to tell him I love him one more time again before he goes to heaven. I hope he'll be happy there and he'll remember me. For him, anything is better than what he's been though. I don't want him to remember his humanly state though, just his love for me. If he can go through that, then I can go through all this crap right now too...and turn out alright.

My Daddy's Love

2007-05-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that woke me up crying this morning. It was so touching. I was heartbroken. And it felt like I went through an entire night, but I know the dream only lasted 9 minutes because it was after I pressed my snooze button on my phone alarm. Time is so precious. Maybe that's what heaven's like...being in a dream forever.

My brother was there. It was at my dad's house back in Hacienda Heights. I was happy. A little stressed as usual trying to put on an event for a lot of kids. We had fish bowls out like my fish bowl for Fish Lee. We had been following instructions to grow this beautiful plant right before our eyes. It was green and redish with red flowers. The part that wasn't a flower looked more like grass. It was small like one of those underwater plants.

So a kid got everything together, and we all stood around as he added the last thing...water. We watched the plant grow right before our eyes to full bloom. It was like being in a fairy tale. So beautiful...we've witnessed a miracle.

Some time had passed and the event was over. I was still at my dad's house in the master bedroom in which the bed was gone, and there was framed art hanging from the ceiling. I stayed and leaned back on a couple pillows on the floor. There were fish bowls around me to be taken out and cleaned. I watched with my brother as my uncles decided on what to do with my dad. How he was sick, but if they could even keep him conscious for four more months, it would be worth anything. It was like I didn't have any feelings throughout watching this and I just nodded not really caring. I walked out to put the pillows away and saw my dad sitting in the dining area in a chair next to the sliding glass doors. He smiled at me and said hi michelle. I just smiled back and held up the pillows in question to where they were supposed to go. An older man politely directed me out passed the sliding glass doors and into the backyard. Here I saw why my dad was waiting in the dining room for me. It was beautiful. The backyard lights were on, dimly. I could see the remnants of a neighbor's party in a house beyond the fence. But the pool was shimmering. A table was set. Music was playing softly. I even remember the song. It's an old song. I don't remember the words now, and I don't know what it's called. The old man pointed to a chair and I looked at it. I just stared at all the beautiful setting, which wasn't really beautiful with dirty backyard furniture, but it was so beautiful to me. I saw my dad smiling at me through the glass doors and I knew. And I cried.

Lately in real life, all the events with my dad has made me rather numb. I felt bad, but it didn't affect me anymore as much. And rather sadly, this was because I was starting to care a little less. We only get hurt when we care. But even though I was caring about him less, he was still caring about me a lot. In my dream he'd woken up from his coma induced state and even though he only had a little time left he had wanted to do something special for me. Give me a place to relax and give me peace in that back yard. Set up something that wasn't beautiful physically, but was so beautiful mentally because it was so thoughtful. And I had been caring less over the past few months. But that was what he wanted for me the whole time and during the small time he was awake still. The sad thing is that I know that's how he is in real life. I know he would do even more.

People come visit him pretty often, and then they leave. When I visit, he holds me there like he never wants to let me go. I know he's tired but he doesn't want to sleep because he doesn't want me to leave. He holds my hand and we try to talk or communicate as best as we can. And when I finally do leave, I see his face get sad. He holds my hand and says a prayer. And then he lets me go with a little wave and a smile. I normally leave, and then I come back to check on him again...he doesn't know that I'm watching. Sometimes he tries to sleep. But most of the time I see him cry, unable to get up, unable to follow me and go with me. My heart can't take this anymore. I leave.

In my dream, I knew that even though I was in a state where I was caring less. His love never ceased. So much like Christ. And even though it's right in front of our faces, it hits you to realize how much you've been loved this whole time...even if you knew it and didn't realize it at the same time. And this love...it's the real love...God's perfect love. The kind I've been trying to pursue, but it is hard, so hard. It requires letting go some things you love most...for them. It's holding in all the times people have wronged you and said bad things...and then letting it diminish...and caring for them anyways. You have the option to not care, and thus not get hurt, but it's chosing to care. I sat in that chair in the back yard over looking the pool and the fence. I felt my inner peace and relaxation. My dad couldn't sit with me, but I knew he was watching over me through the sliding glass doors.

When I woke up, I wanted him back. I wanted a dad who was never sick. I wanted a father's love, to be felt and held and...gosh everything. Sometimes I feel like God has robbed me of so much, and has robbed my dad of even more. I don't understand. He was a good man. He is a good man. i don't want to see my dad cry anymore. How could I have been so careless over the past few months...

Pass Already

2007-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

I've been told that I don't see things as they are. Unfortunately for me, they are wrong and I see things clearly and they look very bleak at this time. Well, I guess that some of it is through a fog. But either way, I like to think that I can see things as how they can be. Gives me something to look forward to I guess.

And it's not easy all the time. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with my distance from everything I know. Part of the reason I left was to distance myself from it all, but it's not easy from my end. Sleeping on floors, working all day instead of being outside, coming home to emptiness, nobody to make plans with, nothing to look forward to except work the next day...I'm having a hard time seeing the things I should be appreciating. I know there's a lot. I guess I can give it a try...

Going to Starbucks to talk to my new friend that works there. He takes takes time to chat with me every once in a while which is nice because we don't even really know each other lol. Well...even though I sleep on the floor, I have a room, and a house. And even though the cats are attached to me and follow me everywhere...at least the like me and make me laugh. I have a job that maybe I'll like a lot more after I get my paycheck. I have a lot of friends here that I should take the initiative to do things with, but just haven't yet. I have a window office, which some people who have been working here for years don't even have. I have God and my bible which comforts me every night I fall asleep feeling so alone. I have access once again to my gym of choice which isn't too far away. I live near nice neighborhoods, hillsides, and lakes. I have a car that works, pictures of my best friends around me, two arms, two legs, I can see, and I have ears to listen to music when I work. Wonderful friends from home and home home who talk to me when I want someone to talk to. And this bag of chips that is keeping me from starving right now lol. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.

Hopefully the loneliness and missing home and thecomforts and friendships there will pass. Soon.